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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why is this happening to me?

39 replies

mamabebe · 25/01/2010 16:27

Hi, all I'm new to Mums net & I'm having awful marriage problems. Basically DH told me 3 wks before Xmas he's no longer in love with me. DD was born July 09. He spends all his time at work, staying in hotels if it's late as his commute is 1hr30mins. He doesn't know why he's feeling like this and promises there's no one else. I'm nearly 40 and feel devestated. I dearly wanted another baby but doubt that'll happen now. He tried to walk at the weekend but I begged him to stay, he had to go into the office but was 'ok-ish' whilst at home, he had to go into the office on Sunday and stay in a hotel (again). We're still sleeping together so I'm confused. Feel totally worthless.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/01/2010 20:35

everylittlebeat, with respect, because these cheating men follow a well-worn script that is obvious to anyone who has experienced this...or has read enough threads on Mumsnet

these blokes think they are unique, but they are not, not by a long way

blinks · 25/01/2010 20:35

affair.

and what an utter shit to be sleeping with you while all this is going on.

let the fucker go. and work on faking an 'am i bovvered' face.

kettlechip · 25/01/2010 20:36

Sorry, but I'm betting on an affair too. It's because the behaviour is so very classic - exactly as HappyWoman and whenwillI describe. Read the thread on how to tell if he's having an affair and see if it rings any bells for you.

So sorry you are going through this, especially with a new baby. I really feel for you.

AnyFucker · 25/01/2010 20:39

sorry OP, my last comment was not meant to make you feel bad

I meant obvious to anyone on the outside

much harder when you are in the middle of it...

everylittlebeat · 25/01/2010 20:49

As you rightly guessed, I don't have experience of this. I'm hoping you're all wrong of course

AnyFucker · 25/01/2010 20:51

I know everylittlebeat, and it may be the case, would love to be proved wrong

but this OP needs to know she is not going mad and has valid reasons for her concern

I would say the same to a RL friend

SolidGoldBrass · 25/01/2010 20:59

Firstly, don't cry and beg, at least not to him (rant and weep all over MN or a trusted friend if you need to by all means). This makes someone who is already behaving badly behave worse, because it makes him feel that he has all the power.
Get as much factual information as you can about what your position would be WRT your house and your finances if you split up with him. Then tell him that you have looked into it, and if he wants to leave then this is what will happen re the house, this is how much maintenance he will have to pay and this is how much access he will have to DD. And tell him he has a time limit to make his mind up, stay or go. But letting someone dither around being all anguished and self-absorbed expecting you to run around desperately trying to 'make' him stay is terrible for your self esteem and won't work anyway.
Best of luck with getting it sorted one way of the other.

AnyFucker · 25/01/2010 21:12

good advice from sgb

these dickheads have to do an aboutface when they see you are quite prepared to not roll over and take this kind of treatment

HappyWoman · 26/01/2010 07:12

yes get as much legal and finacial advice as you can - it will be scary and not what you want to do - but it will also help you to see you dont have to dance to his tune.

Hope you are feeling ok today.

delie · 26/01/2010 10:06

Hiya
Im afraid it sounds exactly like my husband at the moment. When our baby was 3 months old, he was like that, working alot, not staying out unless he was working far away but not talking to me much, not showing much affection, still wanting sex but not being his loving self. One day he announced it wasnt working and he wanted to move out for a bit. He went away for a weekend, i was devastated but held out for him coming home and was hoping he would tell me what was up. He basically blamed the way i was, how I had changed, dont have time for him anymore, he feels pushed out, dont have sex like we used to etc, which made me mad, a 3 month old, id had a very bad labour and endless amounts of stitching!!!! Anyway, we sorted things out and moved along, things seemed to be going fine, had the odd niggles and he started to annoy the hell out of me, simple things like his laptop or xbox! 6 months on I have found out he has a secret mobile phone, to which he says he texts people he has met online, and again, my fault of course because i have changed! When I found the phone he was just on his way to work for 3 days, so he just stormed out and drove off like an idiot. He came home after those days at work and acted almost as if nothing had happened. He wouldnt talk about it, was like he was mad at me for finding the phone! A week on, after snooping I found out he tells a girl he loves her, confronted him about her when he had been out drinking, he went crazy, never seen him like that, I said who's gemma, he said i dont know a gemma, i said tell me the truth, and he insisted there was no one else and didnt know what I was on about. Then he just got up n got mad, tried to get his car keys, wouldnt let him as he was drunk! Now gone away with work again and im none the wiser, apart from he says he doesnt know what his intentions are with her until we are sorted! Do you know what, now I have written this to you its become so much clearer! I cant stay with him!
I hope your husband isnt cheating, but I would look around like the other ladies say on here. And if he is doing anything he shouldnt, it will come out in the end, but perhaps sooner rather than later for your sake. I feel the same as you do I expect, struggling with the thought of bringing a baby up as a single parent when your plans were a happy family life xxx

nannynobnobs · 26/01/2010 11:00

Being a single parent is a cinch compared to the mental anguish of being strung along by the man who you planned your happy family life with. get the legal advice you need re the house and tell him he will not be staying. Do it for your sanity- while he is behaving like this you'll only be half a person, nervous, feeling sick, not sleeping properly, worrying where he is and who he's with.

AnyFucker · 26/01/2010 14:21

Delie, don't you dare leave a decision in his hands.

Marshall your bravery and tell him to fuck off out of it, if you and dc are not enough for him. Your self-esteem will thank you for it !

AandO · 26/01/2010 14:33

What are your thoughts, feelings Mamabebe having read the posts? What are you planning to do?

chippychippybangbang · 26/01/2010 21:30

how are you op?

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