Am i crazy?

[curvychick]

My dp started a new job last April in a managerial position. Last summer i started to feel a bit funny regarding one of his younger female employees, nothing concrete at all just a gut feeling.....Since then there have been several incidents that have rung big alarm bells but i have had no hard evidence and i guess in isolation they could be innocent but all togeher i am now really worried....I am not sure how best to put it all down so i guess i shall just do bulllet points

1.I arrived at his work unannounced heavily pregnant with dc4, he was very reluctant to give me a hug (hadnt seen him since the day before), we were outside at this point so not infront of staff, and he looked over his shoulder towards where she was standing

2.He picked me up from hospital after birth of dc4 and called work on the way home, he spoke to this girl and was pretty over familiar, and refered to her as 'darlin'

3.I knew he was giving one of the lads from work a lift home but he didnt mention that he was also giving this girl a lift too-he let slip something and when i questioned him he said about it.

$.After incident 3 i asked him why he didnt tell me he was giving her a lift home (admittedly i was rather post pregnancy hormonal) and implied that there was something inappropriate goin on-he went MENTAL .Oh and a few days after this incident he came home and said that she wasnt right for the company and he was keeping an eye on things with a view to 'managing her out'

4.Soemtimes he gets in up to 2 hrs after finishing work with vague reasons as to why (not always on the night he gives her a lift but frequently)

5.Whenever i go into work this girl blatantly ignores us but when i took dc4, in at his request, she gushed over her, and TOTALLY ignored me, like i wasnt even there.

6.He has pics of the work crimbo do on his phone which she just happens to be in all of them. theya are not of her but she is in them all IYKWIM

7.He has been stroppy and withdrawn, parcticualr unkind to ds1 (who has special needs) and blames in on work

I got a suggestive picture message of his bum cheeks this morning which he hasnt done since we first got together with some text underneather about how he was missing me today. The wording on it didnt sound right and something meade me check the rota to see if this girl was in today....she isnt

They dont look good do they? Or have i just totally lost it? I'm sat here feeling sick and shaking.........things have been really iffy since christmas when he proposed and i dont know whether i am just looking for trouble because i am paranoid and insecure or if he is doing what i think he is.

Have been checking his phone now and then but nothing dodgy-although i know he would delete.....
Dont know what to do

Curvy - sorry, I don't think this solves the problem. I understand how the emotions of yesterday made you feel drained - and perhaps the more relevant conversation will happen in the next few days. It really needs to.

Removing the temptation never addresses the problem - there will be others further down the line, for both of you.

If you want to affair-proof your marriage, take this opportunity to increase trust, enhance communication and give each other permission to be honest about temptation.

Also to answer wwifn question about the calm conversation about temptation, i am embarrassed to say we didnt have it.....We did talk about the bloody phone incident/text message thing but as usual, i got totally overwhelmed, and when that happens, its like my body just thinks 'cant deal with anymore-i need to go to sleep' I fell into the trap the following days of not wanting to bring up the agrument and accusations because we were having such a nice time.............silly woman i am....

You are right, absolutely spot on about our shockingly bad communication.....I have done alot of thinking about that lately and hasve been making massive efforts to air my problems the moment that i am bothered by something, instead of letting it fester-hence the saturday morning dash to his work to get it off of my chest. That would have been unheard of eve a month ago, so i am making baby steps. Its just hard because in times of stress i seem to return to my default setting, which is clam up, keep it in and dont show that i am bothered. A very warped coping strategy that i developed when with my Ex which is proving particularly tricky to shake off.

We do need to have a proper talk again though, i think i need to make a bullet pointed list, that way i wont forget anything, wont go off on a tangent and will get the answers to the questions about the things that i need to know.

WWIFN, I totally understand what you mean about removal of the temptation not addressing the problem. We have some very serious conversations to have over the coming days and i will be taking your wise advice this time. Thank you for taking the time to reply and be so straight talking Thats why i love mumsnet!

Hi curvychick, I love your 'no bullshit' attitude. A lot of the time people need boundaries and maybe once your OH realised you won't just take whatever he throws at you, he'll think twice about cheating.

I think you already know that you both need to break the unhelpful communication patterns and try to grow closer together, which you both seem to want to do. If there's will, there is a way. Stuff you find out about one another through being honest can show up all kinds of issues, but at least you will know where you are and you can decide how you want to progress from there on. Writing things down before you talk is an excellent idea. Also, be prepared for being upset and try to work through your emotions instead of just sweeping them under the carpet (that's what my therapist keeps telling me :-)).

I wish you all the very best!

Support from me too, curvy, you are doing exactly the right thing in confronting it now, I wish I'd had your bottle!

Do get the book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, if it's not already been mentioned on here somewhere (bet it has!). It's spot on at helping you understand how these situations arise and how you can affair-proof your marriage in future. I think everyone should read it, baggage or not!