Am i crazy?

[curvychick]

My dp started a new job last April in a managerial position. Last summer i started to feel a bit funny regarding one of his younger female employees, nothing concrete at all just a gut feeling.....Since then there have been several incidents that have rung big alarm bells but i have had no hard evidence and i guess in isolation they could be innocent but all togeher i am now really worried....I am not sure how best to put it all down so i guess i shall just do bulllet points

1.I arrived at his work unannounced heavily pregnant with dc4, he was very reluctant to give me a hug (hadnt seen him since the day before), we were outside at this point so not infront of staff, and he looked over his shoulder towards where she was standing

2.He picked me up from hospital after birth of dc4 and called work on the way home, he spoke to this girl and was pretty over familiar, and refered to her as 'darlin'

3.I knew he was giving one of the lads from work a lift home but he didnt mention that he was also giving this girl a lift too-he let slip something and when i questioned him he said about it.

$.After incident 3 i asked him why he didnt tell me he was giving her a lift home (admittedly i was rather post pregnancy hormonal) and implied that there was something inappropriate goin on-he went MENTAL .Oh and a few days after this incident he came home and said that she wasnt right for the company and he was keeping an eye on things with a view to 'managing her out'

4.Soemtimes he gets in up to 2 hrs after finishing work with vague reasons as to why (not always on the night he gives her a lift but frequently)

5.Whenever i go into work this girl blatantly ignores us but when i took dc4, in at his request, she gushed over her, and TOTALLY ignored me, like i wasnt even there.

6.He has pics of the work crimbo do on his phone which she just happens to be in all of them. theya are not of her but she is in them all IYKWIM

7.He has been stroppy and withdrawn, parcticualr unkind to ds1 (who has special needs) and blames in on work

I got a suggestive picture message of his bum cheeks this morning which he hasnt done since we first got together with some text underneather about how he was missing me today. The wording on it didnt sound right and something meade me check the rota to see if this girl was in today....she isnt

They dont look good do they? Or have i just totally lost it? I'm sat here feeling sick and shaking.........things have been really iffy since christmas when he proposed and i dont know whether i am just looking for trouble because i am paranoid and insecure or if he is doing what i think he is.

Have been checking his phone now and then but nothing dodgy-although i know he would delete.....
Dont know what to do

Curvychik, I do feel for you, but generally your gut instincts are right - mine were.

I also got blanked but what I now know was "The other woman" not at work, but in my own bloody kitchen (She had come over to collect her car after a party - WTF!). I felt very uncomfortable in her presence, and she totally ignored me and just concentrated on my H.

I found proof 3 months after that event, through finding a picture of her wearing my wetsuit in Cornwall, on a beach that my H and I had spent the last 10 years holidaying. It was then that I realised who the "Other woman" was.

I, like you had a gut instinct that something wasn't right, but unlike your DP, my H wouldn't reassure me, just told me I was mental and controlling, and would lose his temper whenever I challenged him on anything - he even turned his "Sent messages" off on his phone, so that I couldn't check.

It's tough finding eveidence, but you are unhpappy, and wether some of it is in your head (Which I doubt) if he cared, he would put YOU first and not do things that upset you.

Does he have a facebook account? or a seperate email ? could you hack in and find out anything there ? My H had set up a facebook account, after claiming that he didn't have one, befriended the OW, and it was on her site that I found the cornwall photo's..... nice !

Take care, and keep telling yourself, this is not you, it's him and he is making you unhappy, and it is up to him to make YOU happy again, by whatever means he can.

He is acting very oddly, and it would make anyone feel suspicious and insecure.

A man with nothing to hide, hides nothing.

When you do 'detective work', you are finding evidence. Not good.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

He commented that he had stopped giving her lifts a while ago as her boyfriend was not happy about it apparently, he started to come and get her after work. So he must have had his doubts too.....

He just txt me trying to turn it back onto me, saying now i know how he felt when i used to go out with my mates.....he always used to think i was up to no good...i wasnt, but i guess he tarred me with the same brush as himself.....

ohhh Classic behviour -turning it all onto you now.

Guilty as charged

Lots of alarm bell, but maybe it is just all of us been there ones who are suspicious??
Its very hard, I had suspicions for ages, because of the way he was behaving, but he just lied and lied and lied, know idea why he must have known it would come out in the end!
I even went to his shop once and she was say there bold as day, she blanked me too, and when I asked later who she was, he just acted all who?? and made out I was paranoid

How did I finally find out, phone bills am afraid (lots and lots and lots to one number...hers), there was more, he was seen in a local pub with her around the same time, but he still lied and even when I took him back, he carried on lying and made me even more mad
I was a raving banshee too, went to were he was staying once and ranted and raved outside (I suspected she was there when he said not), he really turned it on me, said I was loony and manhandled me into the car
She later told me she was say upstairs listening to it all So I was right, there were many more times but each one when i was so suspicious, I later found out to be true

He should be reassuring you, or laughing it off or being kind and gentle, not making out like you are mad, or you are cheating (or were), thats a classic that one, mine did it too, in fact that was the first time he actually hit me

"saying now i know how he felt when i used to go out with my mates"

So you aren't allowed to have any friends, but he can arrange exclusive working sessions with a woman who is rude to you and about whom you have real cause to be worried (even if nothing is going on)?

He sounds like a cock.

Well, we have just had a massive row over the phone......I told him to come home, get some stuff and go to his mums. He begged me to stay, said he hadnt done anything, didnt know what to do to prove to me etc etc

He has now worked the rota so that no night shifts are involved and they can get it done in the day.....why couldnt they before though?

He says all of these things are in my head....he said she hasnt been rude, its just the way she is.....the way she is...she wworks in a shop ffs, so she blanks all the customers ay?

he kept saying, please dont write me off, i havent done anything.....

I dont know what to think anymore. There are just too many co-incidences for me to write them all off.....

Curvychick, I am sorry you are going through this. It does not sound very good at all.

I just wanted to add a few words to the discussion because macdoodle mentioned how maybe everybody on this thread is suspicious because they have been cheated on. Well, as far as I know I have not and I am really not the jealous/checking type. My DF goes on holiday on his own and goes out with his mates and I never mind, because he does not give me reasons to doubt him. So I am really quite unlikely to be paranoid.

But the stuff your other half gets up to is just dodgy. The whole story does not add up and you know it. Naturally, the stress you are under and looking after 4 kids cannot make things easier, but it does not mean that you cannot tell if somebody is being dishonest.

As for him denying everything, a serial cheater with two kids and a lovely wife once told me how you should never admit to anything. Even if evidence was staring his wife in the face, as it often was, he would deny everything and make her go absolutely crazy with suspicion and doubt. In his eyes, he was saving his marriage, because he wanted to sleep around and have a family and 'what she did not know could not hurt her'. I don't know what it looked like from her perspective, but she must have thought she was a paranoid loony, when, in fact, all her suspicious were right. Also, she really wanted to believe him.

Be strong, curvychick, I am keeping my fingers crossed for you!

suspicious? Should have been suspicions, sorry!

I feel so tired dc are wandering around semi dressed (after a shower) like a bunch of ferral kids and i am sat here just numb. Ds1 heard us argueing, not what we were saying though, and i feel like a shite mum feeling very sorry for myself.

Blowfish, that comment about about serial cheaters denying all, despite evidence, upset wife,etc rings very true to me. I think he really does love me, loves the kids....just thinks i'll never find out, he's too clever to get caught with cold hard evidence.

i know its very unmumsnetty to slag off the OW, but christ i HATE that woman....

I haven't been cheated on either (as far as I know) but this really doesn't add up. You're not going crazy. Stay strong.

It could still turn out to be all fine, but your oh needs to try much harder to prove himself to you. Turning it around onto you really isn't helping.

If he really isn't lying and wants to save your relationship I think he needs to explain exactly the nature of his relationship with this woman (they are obviously more than mere colleagues) and possibly even get her to speak to you. If these measures don't satisfy you, and he still wants to spend the rest of his life with you, he will apply for a new job or transfer.

If he isn't prepared to take these measures to save your relationship, he isn't worth it.

So sorry you're going through this

You are not a shite mum! Give yourself a break.

Like youngblowfish l have -to the best of my kowledge-never cheated (well that bit l DO know)or been cheated on by my DH. He works in an all female environment as the sole male and l work in a mixed group. We both go on nights out and trust each other. I often receive texts and e-mails from one guy but DH doesn't mind--we are just good friends.

Your DF's behaviour does not ring true of someone who has nothing to hide. I am not paranoid just extremly suspicious.

Trust your instinct over this-- he won't admit anywrong doings and will turn it onto you and "your imagination"

He has a hell of a lot of talking to do, weither you believe it or not is uo to you.

Wishing you all the best

I also have no baggage of my own that makes me more likely to think this man is lying.

< sorry to the baggage-owners, you know what I mean

I have a fantastic bullshit radar though, and it is going off like crazy

He is lying to you

If he makes you feel this insecure and unhappy, however, do you actually need any evidence to send him away to cool his heels while you have a good, hard think about how badly you are prepared to be treated by this man ?

Give him a mighty shock and send him away. You should be trying to reassure you, not making you feel like crap and accusing you of being CSI...

he sounds horrible

sorry, he should be trying to reassure you...

No baggage here either. But have seen it all before from friends and family.This is classic 'deny all' behaviour.
Well you cant expect him to come clean just yet anyway can you? So all you have to go on are your instincts and the results of your information gathering-both of which have come up trumps.
He is lying and you need a break from him.
Are his bags packed yet?

Curvychick, the way you feel about the OW is completely natural, no matter how un-mnetty. Besides, whether or not she has something going on with your OH, she has been rude to you. I would probably want to bite her head off. But she is the least of your worries, since you do not have to have anything to do with her, but the OH happens to live under your roof.

You are not the one failing your children, he is. Give yourself a break, you are doing very well under the circumstances. I actually think you are thinking very clearly ATM, saying how he is too clever to be found with any hard evidence and he loves you and the family. But I do think it is extremely likely that he has some sort of arrangement with the OW whatever they get up to. Clearly, her bf is not delighted about it either.

It seems that you have a very tough choice ahead of you. Whatever you decide to do, don't settle for lies if it's not what you want to do. It seems that you have a very good idea of what is going on so don't allow him to mess with your sense of reality and self-worth only because he wants to eat his cake and have it. AnyF is right, think long and hard about how badly you are prepared to be treated by this man.

< joins blow in a hug coming your way >

quick hijack...blow, are you new or a namechanger, love ?

I am new. Hello! Always very inventive when it comes to devising new strategies of avoiding writing my PhD. I like MN and spend hours stalking different threads.

Particular interests: self-esteem, happiness and haircare.

welcome!

I have seen a couple of your posts and you seem very switched-on (maybe that is because you have been agreeing with me...)

self-esteem, happiness and haircare...

a good philosophy to have

Curvychick - You are not a shite mum. I haven't been cheated on afaik but alarm bells are ringing for me too.

Amazing how that marathon stock-take can now suddenly be done in the day time, isn't it?

Don't let him try to turn this all back on to you. It's not your fault. You've done nothing wrong.

Curvy - when you left this thread last time, you were going to have a calm conversation with him about tempation and vulnerability to an affair. Did that ever happen?

You see, far beyond the suspicion of an affair (and FWIW I think your suspicions are right), what screams out to me from your posts is that your interactions and communication with one another are awful. Even today, you are communicating by text and he is shouting at you on the phone.

The plain facts are that you don't trust him, his earlier secrecy about giving lifts to this woman shows you are right not to trust him - and knowing all of this, he chooses to be in a situation with this woman that he knows will cause you turmoil.

Her reaction to you is rude and dismissive. That speaks volumes too. Any friend of his should be a friend of your marriage. It is not unMumnsnetty in my view to hate an OW who is rude to the innocent party in the triangle. Your feelings about her are understandable, but of course make sure you are not falling into the trap of blaming her for doing the running - your DP always had a choice.

Hi, I also agree with the other comments, it would appear that he is lying to you about something.

I was in a similar position to you last summer. In fact I accused him of having an affair with 2 different women, it turns out I was a little off the mark as nothing untoward was happening with either of those women but he was shagging one of my best mates

Have you looked to see if his phone has a call logs function on it? You can set it to make a log of all calls and texts for a specified number of days, so even if he deletes his calls and texts they still show in the log. You won't be able to see the content of any texts but he will have to explain why he doesn't want you to see them.

Thank you all so much for your words and the hugs

I didnt get back online yesterday as just after my last post he came home from work early.

I was absolutely fuming when we spoke on the phone, and i think he realised that i meant it when i said i wanted him to go and stay with family for a while and absolutely shit himself.

Well we talked, and the long and the short of it is that he swears that there is nothing going on, says he will do whatever i need him to do make this alright. I dont really now what that is though tbh. He said he will ensure he is not working the same shifts as her if i wanted him to-to which i replied YES(duh), i also stipulated that there are to be no more lifts-there are other drivers there who can drop her home if need be or else she can get a fucking bus-her transportation or lack of, is not his problem.

I kind of ran out of steam then, and felt very drained tbh. He asked me to contact our babysitter so we could get out one evening this week and spend some quality child free time together, so have arranged that. And beyond that i was pretty quiet for the rest of the evening really.......

He hasnt gone to his mums-this time. But if i find myself with any more of these 'co-incidences' he will be gone. If he is/was cheating with her, i hope that he will have been suitably shaken by my fury (it is very unlike me-i never lose my temper!)and keep the hell away from her, and if per chance i am barking up the wrong tree, he'll certainly be thinking twice before telling any fibs in the future.

I still dont trust that their 'relationship' is just manager/employee like he maintains and i will be pushing for him to transfer to another store at the earliest opportunity, in the meantime, i shall continue to be vigilant....CSI have nothing on me

Hope it all works out well curvychick you sound like a 'take no bullshit' kinda woman so I'm sure it will, one way or another. Take care x