I would like to become a more sympathetic/empathetic person and be less hard and snappish.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Has anyone got any ideas for me? Am thinking mostly along the lines of getting a couple of books out of the library, not embarking on years of therapy.

I find I am a bit short-tempered with needy people, which is not great with little children, who have lots of needs, and it is an aspect of my parenting I feel could be improved.

It also doesn't help with DH, who has always been the needier one in our relationship.

I'd like to soften up a little and find a way to be more generous and caring.

Any suggestions?

Good on you

Needy people are hard work though, so don't beat yourself up too much

Aim for empathy rather than sympathy (often not as helpful for the person)

If I feel my heckles rising (which happens frequently, and I am a nurse, FFS) I try and mentally STOP and 'step into the shoes' of the person who is irritating me, just to try and get a sense of what they are experiencing at that moment

I try and do this with the DC, too (must confess that that is not always successful, by any means )

It is not just you - is it the weather perhaps? for about a fortnight I have felt downright crabby with everyone I have met and have absoloutely no patience with family, colleagues or my mother ( well, nothing new in that last one). Today at work I have greated every email that has arived with a mental "what a wanker" and I'm feeling pretty put out that tomorrow I'm going to a meeting miles away and not spending the day curled up on the sofa with a blanket (all I want to do at the moment) Think I need some sunshine

Yes, I'm terrible with needy adults. But children are programmed to be needy aren't they? I find I enjoy them more and more the older and less needy they become.

I am a bit brusque and impatient sometimes, a little bit hard. And rather unforgiving of people's failings. Not proud of it.

Of course, children are meant to be needy, and I think most of the time as their parent who loves them unconditionally, we are able to respond in the right way to that (tbh I get more snappy about their mess and their NOT LISTENING - whole other thread)

But with adults it's different. What sort of thing winds you up?

bibbity - best tip is to stop and count to ten (or 100 with some people). Often once the initial response is stifled you can respond more kindly.

I don't like needy people either. I find it difficult to deal with those who overreact to things and take offence and sulk etc. Fortunately most people i know and care about are straight-forward enough not to be like this. But it is important to be able not to snarl at those who aren't So take a breath, think about how you'd feel and smile.

People who are always looking for reassurance.

People who mither and dither and can't make a decision.

People who cry a lot (one of my best friends is like this and I have to pretend to be sympathetic when I really want to tell her to grow a pair )

People who need a lot of help with things.

People who are not self contained and strong, really.

Makes me sound very nasty.

I think everybody has times when they are needy and I do understand this. Its just the ones who take take take and never give, people who always need to be propped up and supported. I lose patience ...

It sounds like a little studying in Buddhist philosophy would help Thich Naht Hahn is a very good author. There's a book called The Buddha Within that is also quite good.

BBH: Actually, I think that with needy whiny inadequates, the equivalent of a swift kick up the twinkle is actually better than indulging them constantly and allowing them to drain you (and eveyrone else around them).
Yes everyone has their bad times, and traumatic events can make anyone demanding and sensitive for a while, but some people really are just self-obsessed, self-pitying tosspots who will carry on as long as they can get other people to indulge them.

I find with the reassurance-seekers that reassurance doesn't actually work. It simply makes them more anxious, which in turn makes them seek out more reassurance. Pointing this out is sometimes helpful (obviously, EVERYONE needs a bit of reassurance from time to time, but generally one lot is enough )

I am usually quite kind and sympathetic and often get comments about how easy I am to talk to in RL.

I wouldn't say I was tactful exactly because like most people I can put my foot in it sometimess but this has got a lot less as I have got older.

I tend to look for the reasons why someone mught behave as they do and I just often feel sorry for people who are having trouble coping and sort of want to help.

The OP's description of needy describes me quite well when I am at home or with dh but with friends and other family I know they would say I am vey self-contained and not at all needy

I would say then that I empathise with needy people because I know just how they feel but I tend to hide it pretty well with friends.

Poor dh tends to bear the brunt of it actually.

Thanks all! I'm afraid I'm being particularly abrupt today on another thread.

Buddhist philosophy sounds good .

Bibbity - you need more laughter in your life. I prescribe a course of going out and enjoying yourself and watching/reading things that make you laugh. Then you won't be so tightly wound and experience things as intensive irritants. Fun and laughter create space and perspective and happy hormones.

Dr Hully.

ps What other thread?

You are quite right Hully. Thank goodness I've got you, eh?

Just incase you were wondering its not the soup thread that I am being spectacularly grumpy on. I thought I was quite nice on that .

lol @p.s. what other thread!

Just do lots of things you find satisfying, be as patient as you can without being a martyr and tell dh and the kids you think they are fab but get short tempered sometimes. They probably love you just as you are, you know.

p.s. What other thread?

Come on, Bibs. We want to see you in full on grump mode...

Where's the thread? Wah wail bawl sob

Yes, and then we could have a laugh and be nicer to our dc. It's your responsibility to stop us shouting at them nastily.

Know what you mean, Bibbity, I get so peed off with people sometimes, including DP. How you actually respond to needy people depends on the circumstances obviously, in terms of your judgement as to whether it's a genuine need (e.g. kids) or an over-the-top attention-seeking type.

But [cue eastern music and smoke machines] long ago when I lived in a buddhist community - and i wasn't there for "spiritual" purposes - I did pick up some ideas that really help me from time to time with this. It's sounds to me like neediness really winds you up, makes you angry etc. What I found really helpful was retaining the idea of compassion in the back of your mind. It kind of makes the anger part melt away, which is good for you at least! I'm no buddhist teacher , but the general gist is that all people (and animals for that matter) are just seeking happiness and contentment, just like you are. No matter how annoying someone's behaviour seems, to them it feels like something they need to say or do.

I'm phrasing this really badly, but there's a link HERE to some thoughts from the Dalai Lama, who is supposed to be the incarnation of compassion. E.g. "As long as they are human beings experiencing pleasure and pain just as you do, there is no logical basis to discriminate between them or to alter your concern for them if they behave negatively."

So basically, they are just like you, and they are just doing their best, so don't be angry with them. Feel sorry for them if necessary, that they feel the need to be such a PITA . Worth a go at least, and perhaps check out books by the DL.

Try and think everytime you bite, how much upset you will cause other people, I have been on the receiving end of someone like you and it makes life very miserable.

Eventually you will just isolate people.

It must be exhausting for you too.

I'm wondering if your more generous/caring side will have room to grow if you can reduce your short-temperedness when dealing with people who have needs. I used to be a bit like that with my DCs and I found that a lot of it for me was a lack of communication and a tendency for me to be a passive-aggressive martyr. So they'd ask for something, I'd respond in a not entirely sympathetic or open way, they'd get whiney, I'd get annoyed and fulfill their request but with bad grace, and so it all snowballed.

One book that might be useful are "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" as that is all about communication skills, and the suggestions aren't just appropriate for dealing with children. Read it in a "these are some things that you can try" rather than a "these are rules you must follow" kind of way.

"Games People Play" by Eric Berne was also very interesting. Again, it looks at the interpersonal relationship side, and particularly how people subconsciously take on particular roles in certain scenarios.

Of the two I'd more strongly recommend "How to talk..." as the stuff I've learned from that has made a huge difference.

Accept that your way isn't the right way.

Not to say that you are being controlling, but that you perhaps find others irritating because you feel like they are not coping in a way you respect.

Learn to let go.

Visualise a rope that is knotted in your mind, and the knot just slides off. Then take a big deep yogic breath (I am not kidding) and let it go.

Thank you all very much for replying.

I am working on being more generous in spirit from now on.

I think I am pretty good with the children, tbh. But then, I understand why they are needy, they are just little and still very attached to me (as it should be) but its like I have a quota of compassion which doesn't stretch to grown adults who seem rather helpless.

But will definitely now check out books by the Dalai Lama, its something I've been meaning to do for years.

I am sure most of the irritation you feel doesn't come across to others - it sounds like it's harming you more than anyone else. You are obviously a nice person or you wouldn't be on here worrying about it.

Another thing I try to keep in mind is that we all find different things easy and hard. For example one friend is very shy and has told me in the past that she finds social occasions agonising, and has literally cried with frustration at not having the courage to join in conversations etc. Sometimes I used to get annoyed (secretly) as she seems "helpless" but I just think of how hard something like ringing up a stranger is for her, and feel for her. I'm sure there are things that you find difficult that other people find easy. Hopefully they would extend understanding to you, and you can do the same to them.

Human frailty, I suppose, is what it comes down to. We're all in this mess together and the more we behave kindly and generously towards each other, the better a time we all have of it.

Still working on it myself.

You have illustrated your point beautifully with your very nice post on that other thread Elephants.

I am horribly nosey but am curious as to why you were living in a Buddhist community but not for spiritual purposes.

Ha, exactly bibbity! Trying to let it out on here rather in real life [evil]

I was a TEFL teacher in Asia for a brief and hilarious period before I realised it was better for everyone if I gave up. Learnt more from them than they did from me, you see

I can be nice though, honest!