Not sure how I feel about a stupid row over soup!

[Bigmouthstrikesagain]

Last night I was considering the dining options for the family and decided on soup as we have root veg to use up and my insanely fussy children usually (but certainly not always) slurp it up with minimal fuss (which helps my blood pressure and general stress levels no end).

I tell dh - soup for dinner - and he makes a meh face and says I don't fancy soup. I stamp off muttering about what I will make instead for him - then I come back (he is in his study) and say 'you do realise you sound like [no.1 son]?' he takes offence at that and says well don't make any dinner for me I'll sort myself out. I strop off to the kitchen get all teary at the notion of spending every bloody evening making dinner for a bunch of ingrates and decide I cannot make dinner for anyone and say that to dh as I stomp upstairs for a pity party in the loo.

So far so what... but dh then gets up after me he tells me I am punishinhg the children and I say they can have sarnies (you can make em) - I just could not stomach sitting at the table making the kids eat nutricious veg soup while dh was off making beans on toast cos he didn't 'fancy it'! Ridiculous, probably, petty? yes, but it was how I felt.

All I wanted was dh to say - I think you are a fab cook, big mouth, I understand how draining it is cooking for fussy ungrateful children everyday. I will take the strain tonight... etc.' But no he has to have a bigger strop than me, and storm off out to find a take away, then come back 10 mins later with nothing - saying I am not bloody making dinner for the children either!

Sigh - so the upshot is I end up making the sandwiches - forcing the children to eat a respectable amount and everything that I absolutely did not want to do. He has the beans on toast in his room - and I feel like a mad beyatch for ever losing my rag.

I can never win as dh is the master at losing his temper and getting his own way and I am a born peacemaker - we rub along quite well most of the time as a fire/ ice kind of relationship. But sometimes I would like to be able to throw my toys out of the pram and not have to meekly put them back again after ten minutes!

Do you oh wise mn'ers think I can say this to dh and have any hope of him understanding? I sounds bloody silly....

Thank you for reading all that btw - and please do not think dh is a bully or whatever - we have a very equal and balnaced relationship - but it is based on our personalities and I think a few years of parenting very young children has nibbled away at my tolerance levels. So I am a cantankerous old bat at times and he is a stressed civil servant with an evil long commute which can make for disharmony. Purely environmental - as over christmas we had a lovely peaceful time.

I think it best to keep the food thing very simple. We have the rule in our house that whoever has prepared it, the others sit down, eat it, and say thank you very much. Otherwise it is unfair and leads to murder.

You sound like me when I let it all build up and get on top of me. It's not unreasonable or silly, it's just that the "final straw" is something which sounds like nothing on its own, but hits a huge dam holding in all the rest of the frustration and the crack lets out a flood of everything else.

Sit him down and explain that making meals for ungrateful people every night is horrible, and that his lack of understanding of that makes the situation worse. If he doesn't fancy what you're going to make, he could go make something else for all of you, not just "opt out" of a family meal, leaving you as chief skivvy.

One of those days eh?

We all have em. Don't take it to heart. You said yourself .. you both rub along well most times. That's good.

Really, it's just one of those days. Bit I hear you, and I can relate to what you're saying.

If your dh didn't fancy soup and was prepared to make his own dinner separately then I can't see the problem tbh. Was it worth crying over?

although I think the argument got out of control, i would have told him that you are making the soup for everyone, including him, and if he doesn't want to eat what the rest of the family is eating, then he can make himself something.
i would not make him something else just to stop him going off in a tantrum.

imagine one of your dcs had done that: you would tell them to like it or make their own (obviously when they're old enough to)

then let him have his tantrum. but don't make him make you cook something else because he "doesn't fancy it".

" and he makes a meh face and says I don't fancy soup"

That's grounds for divorce, right there! . I get really wound up by fussy adults. Bad enough dealing with children who won't eat this and that.

Could you perhaps explain to him what you said in the 4th paragraph?

BTW I didn't meant the divorce bit

FFS. He is a grown man. If you are kind enough to cook for the family then he should bloody well smile and be grateful. And what sort of eg is it for the dc if he gets to have something else because he doesn't fancy it. Do they?

Thank you - it helps to know I am not being unreasonable. Dh is lovely and everthing but he is a spoilt adored pfb/only child. While I am one of many in a household where you got what you were given and were bloody grateful! He admits to being spoilt but he doesn't always understand how it manifests! I think last night gave him a clue though.

Just wish he was able to suck it up and get on with it occasionally... still he is going to have soup tonight that is for bloody sure

I think it's normal to have occasional irrational arguments over silly things and from what you have descibed that is exactly what it was.

I do all the cooking in our house. We rarely eat out or have takeaways mainly due to DHs gluten free diet and sometimes I get really pissed off if the family are ungrateful for the food I prepare. I have been known to throw a tantrum over similar and DH can retaliate with an equally childish tantrum, but if things are normally fine, then just put it down to experience.

I disagree. I think if you are an adult and can cook and you really don't want to eat what someone else has decided you are having then you can choose something else. So long as you are prepared to cook it (and offer it as an alternative to anyone else who fancies it).

I think it does sound like things got out of control.

How old are your DCs? Is there any way that you could get them to make dinner every now and then, so they can see what amount of work it takes? (obviously not if they're say, 3 years old. That could just be dangerous).

I also agree that you need to talk to your DH. "All I wanted was dh to say - I think you are a fab cook, big mouth, I understand how draining it is cooking for fussy ungrateful children everyday." Thing is, he may not be aware how draining this is for you, or even that it's a major issue. People are not always aware what's going on in someone else's head.

Hullygully - that is my point exactly I am very hot on dh being a good example - and that is what I can't stand about the situation it is the principle of the thing.

Bibitty - well that was dh point of view - but we sit down as a family to eat together - I make different meals every night so it is not always going to be what everyone fancies - and that is life - he doesn't cook for the family - ever so he has forfeited his right to opt out - imo. If he wanted to make beans on toast for everyone then that would have ok. but that option was never on the table!

My kids are 1, 3 and 5 btw. They often help ds is very good at making artistic pizzas.

I pick my battles and try not to get stressed about food, and also try and have some respect for everyone's likes and dislikes.

It all stems from spending some time with Susie Orbach when I was younger. Fighting over food is very damaging to all concerned.

Oh I told dh exactly what was going on in my head using exactly the form of words in my op - right from the start of my huff - but he was completely unable to relate - at least until he was out of his own red mist!

He kept saying 'tell me what is really going on' - as if what I had told him simply wasn't sufficient grounds - hence the feeling that I was going mad!

I don't think the fight was over food though - it was over control and over respect for each other and the way we want to raise our children. I make all the meals - dh buys take away (a couple of times amonth) - so he has to cede control over his dietary choices or start cooking as well.

You cannot have your metaphorical cake and eat it!

I had a strop on Friday night as I am fed up cooking dinner then getting a chorus of 'I don't like it!'.

I went to bed at 5.30 and told them Daddy was buying takeaway for dinner. I got up when little ones went to bed and cooked something just for me

I have threatened them that I will cooking nothing but cous cous and chickpeas (two foods only I like!) if they carry on rejecting food.

bigmouth you are normal, but much funnier than average in your writing style.
I am very impressed you can get your kids to eat home made vegetable soup without complaining.

I am less impressed at your husband, but, heck, everyone is allowed to be a bit arsey from time to time

bibitty did you really know the blessed Susie? Tell us more!

In our house, I cook, they eat. There are certain dishes I know will result in the 'meh' face, in particular my minestrone soup - which is fab - but which DH always says he doesn't fancy, and eats very reluctantly. A few weeks ago I was away on business until mid evening so got a frozen chicken stew out of the freezer, and left him instructions to make mashed potatoes to go with it. When I got home he informed me there was some left and that they had both enjoyed it. When I checked the dish I had to tell him that it was in fact a minestrone soup, not chicken stew (they are both a similar colour and I never label anything. Which just goes to show, what the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over!

Becky -- I too have been heard to threaten chickpeas whenever the little horrors complain about my cooking. One day, a braver child is going to try them and find they aren't that bad, and my threat will be found to be empty...

Ok, I have a 1,3 and 5yo too and what strikes me is that your dh was on his own in the study (doing what?) and you are getting dinner ready alone, probably surrounded by hungryish-for-nice-things-only children.
Are you feeling frazzled by the amount of work?Are you getting enough help at home generally?
If you are feeling resentful because of lack of support (you might not have even realised this is how you are feeling), then that resentment will spill over into little rows.
I hate that face too btw.

it was a really nice Morrocan style dish, from memory it had chickpeas with peppers, courgettes, spinach, lots of cumin all served on bed of couscous - yum

well I thought so anyway, but they all rejected it, even DH struggled and he'll eat anything!

I must buy some more cous cous and a can of chickpeas this week. Then I've got threats in the cupboard of needed!