Not sure how I feel about a stupid row over soup!

[Bigmouthstrikesagain]

Last night I was considering the dining options for the family and decided on soup as we have root veg to use up and my insanely fussy children usually (but certainly not always) slurp it up with minimal fuss (which helps my blood pressure and general stress levels no end).

I tell dh - soup for dinner - and he makes a meh face and says I don't fancy soup. I stamp off muttering about what I will make instead for him - then I come back (he is in his study) and say 'you do realise you sound like [no.1 son]?' he takes offence at that and says well don't make any dinner for me I'll sort myself out. I strop off to the kitchen get all teary at the notion of spending every bloody evening making dinner for a bunch of ingrates and decide I cannot make dinner for anyone and say that to dh as I stomp upstairs for a pity party in the loo.

So far so what... but dh then gets up after me he tells me I am punishinhg the children and I say they can have sarnies (you can make em) - I just could not stomach sitting at the table making the kids eat nutricious veg soup while dh was off making beans on toast cos he didn't 'fancy it'! Ridiculous, probably, petty? yes, but it was how I felt.

All I wanted was dh to say - I think you are a fab cook, big mouth, I understand how draining it is cooking for fussy ungrateful children everyday. I will take the strain tonight... etc.' But no he has to have a bigger strop than me, and storm off out to find a take away, then come back 10 mins later with nothing - saying I am not bloody making dinner for the children either!

Sigh - so the upshot is I end up making the sandwiches - forcing the children to eat a respectable amount and everything that I absolutely did not want to do. He has the beans on toast in his room - and I feel like a mad beyatch for ever losing my rag.

I can never win as dh is the master at losing his temper and getting his own way and I am a born peacemaker - we rub along quite well most of the time as a fire/ ice kind of relationship. But sometimes I would like to be able to throw my toys out of the pram and not have to meekly put them back again after ten minutes!

Do you oh wise mn'ers think I can say this to dh and have any hope of him understanding? I sounds bloody silly....

As someone said earlier, it's the culmination of things that got to you, and the soup was a catalyst.

My DH and I are always frequently have silly arguments about nothing - it releases the tension. I remember one occasion shrieking like a demented harpy that ''It's not about the chicken!'' Can't even remember what that was about - but that time, it was about something else. So the fact that your DH was asking what's really going on does show some level of inisght that it may not be an entirely soup-based issue

You're right though, you can't complain about something you are not prepared to do something about. DH does about 95% of the cooking in our house, so I really don't feel like I can insist on what gets served - except when asked what I want. Otherwise, I do just eat what I'm given - and would generally be too lazy to go and get something else!

Just have a sneaky smile to yourself when serving soup tonight.

I'm with bibbity. Not with her with her, we're not having any kind of relationship. She's way out of my league.

Food is not a battle ground, it's a pleasure. I expect that most of the time when I cook DH and DD will eat it, similarly I will eat whatever dh cooks but I afford dh and dd the right to have tastes and whims. If either of them genuinely said they didn't want the planned meal before it was cooked and there was an easy and acceptable alternative (especially if dh was going to do it himself) then I don't see the problem. I think it important that dd understands that while I expect her to be thankful for the food provided for her and to eat it, she does have a right to an opinion and choice. I always discuss food with her in advance and we decide as a family what we will eat.

This post comes with the disclaimer that I'm an arty, farty, wishy washy old hippy who practices ap and up, is made entirely of patchwork and reeks of patchouli 87% of the time.

I try to serve them things they hate and watch with folded arms and a grim expression.

Oh Hully, I understand that.

I intend to dress dd in full Victoriana when she's of school age. Character building.

I haven't read the whole thread, but just wanted to say that the majority of the time in this house, I don't ask what he fancies, I just cook something.

I'm fed up of trying to please people by cooking things I was planning on doing later in the week while fresh food goes off, and I'm fed up of the "ugh" face when I suggest a meal that isn't something full of meat and takes two hours to cook.

I do all the shopping, all the planning and all the cooking, I don't cook anything he actively dislikes, so he gets what he's given.

Get tough, woman!

Both as bad as each other imho. He said he'd sort himself out and you should have left him to do just that. But then you threw a strop and said you weren't making dinner for the kids and then he did exactly the same. I don't see how he's done any worse than the op or how she's done any better, both equally childish and as the first post responded "selfish twits".
him for not just getting the kids dinner ready when you had gone upstairs upset and you for not just accepting another adult didn't want soup and was prepared to get his own without making too much fuss instead of thurning it into a pity party of "I just could not stomach sitting at the table making the kids eat nutricious veg soup while dh was off making beans on toast cos he didn't 'fancy it'!" why? he's a grown man, it's not the sign of a broken family that he's eating something different.

Have been on a baking mission bread, soup and cake and now see there has been some more opinions.

Mayorq - I agree the row was stupid and petty, I don't think I was selfish as after 5 years last night was the first time I recall stropping off and refusing to cook For the family (obv I have the odd night off cooking but not many). So I reserve the right to strop for once and I did end up doing the food for the kids anyway.

No my complaint was that dh failed to see the point I was making so in a way I agree and disagree with you as i am feeling a tad bruised and don't feel up to harsh assessments of my behaviour yet. Being as I am such a delicate flower and everything.

Should read the other responses now. Surrised there have been so many!

Soup is a rubbish dinner

Your marriage sounds dreadful

Chin up

i disagree with those who say he can do what he likes - dinner is a family event and parents have to set an example.

if dad can bugger off and eat beans in his own room then how can you expect the kids to sit at the table and eat the family meal?

Theusefulsuspect - it is a veg and lentil stew really but thanks muchly for your supportive message!

Btw we have all had the slow cooked stew for dinner and all ate everything up and apparently fnjoyed it (even dh) ...

I do nearly all the cooking in the beachhut.

Mostly we have fairly harmonious meals in this house but sometimes DH does something that gets RIGHT up my nose.

I'll ask him if there is anything he fancies for dinner that night or in the next few days and his reply will be "but you always just cook whatever you want anyway".

At this point I try to refrain from stabbing him and sweetly say through gritted teeth "well just now I'm asking you what you want which is not just 'cooking what I want' is it? Is there something you fancy?".

He repeats that I just always cook whatever I want and I loose all sense of reason and bang pans and cupboard doors loudly and tell him he is a wanker.

Always makes for a pleasant evening!