how honest (even brutal) can you be with your DH?

[scruffymomma]

DH and I are having a few issues and I would love to tell him a few thing really straight.

Probs are mainly due to the fact that he has a very stressful job which he hates. Add a (very good) 2 yr old in the mix and he isn't really coping.

the only thing that hasn't changed is his sex drive - he can never get enough (it's his way of coping) and although he tries to keep it in check, it's a (growing) source of tension between us.

My energetic, youthful, fit and positive DH has, over the last 2 years become stressed, old, overweight, EXTREMELY negative and generally grumpy / rude. He thinks I don't appreciate how hard he has it, I don't think he realises how difficult he is to live with.

I still love him dearly, I want to be there for him, but tbh, find it hard to fancy him in the same way and I REALLY wish i did. he would feel a whole lot happier if I were more into him and I would find that easier if he were more like the man I married.

I just don't think i could be that brutal by telling him this. BUT I need to say something as the wedge is growing....

I should add that he's really into honesty and doesn't have a problem with giving home truths, just not sure that he could take them at the moment.

how much straight talking can you direct towards your OH?

Haven't been in your situation but I would say that you should say all of the above to him except that you don't fancy him. Leave that unsaid...

Can you encourage him to look for another job?

all depends on how you couch it. i can tell dh most things in pretty brutal terms. becuase thats how i am anyway

I've said all of it except the not fancying part as I just don't want to hurt him.

I do realise it's the most important part though

I've given up on getting him to look for another job as he says he's too stressed to do it but he's also been safely in the same department for years. He's well known, respected and consistently promoted and I just don't think he wants to step into the unknown.

he also gets good benefits where is his

custy, how does your DH react when you are brutal and can you take it from him?

You have to be very careful with telling brutal truths, and think carefully about whether it would benefit him by hearing it or just hurt him without benefitting. Someties you have to be cruel to be kind but you have to offer constructive critisism and he has to be ready to absorb it and implement chances as a result.

If you feel your DH would take on board what you say without being (too) hurt, and that telling him would help him grow and develop as a person, then tell him.

But don't just tell him to hurt his feelings or for your own personal gain.

Would telling him you don't fancy him make him change though? Because unless you are sure it would there doesn't seem much point in telling him, as presumably it is a temporary thing?

I would tell him what you said in your OP about it being 'harder' to fancy him the way he is, which does not mean you don't fancy him anymore. To get things back to how they were he needs to make some changes and the biggest problem seems to be the effect his job is having on him. Tell him this. It is extremely hard though to find a new job when you are 'comfortable' with your current one, however much you hate it.

Fwiw, I am brutally honest with my DH (and most other people) as he is with me. I like it that way and ime most blokes do too.

Well, the think is that you are not required to have sex with him if you don't feel like it, you are not required to fancy him if he's difficult to live with. You are not required to pressent a happy lovely wife image to him when he is acting in that way.

Why do you have to do all the work just because he is unhappy at work? If he wants sex and happy welcoming wife he better sort his behaviour first. It is not about him, him, him, all the time.

I would suggest to be honest, and say what is going on, go to Relate if necessary but don't continue having sex with him if you are stopping to fancy him, because if you continue you will end up hating any physical contact with him. You shouldn't feel "required' to do as he wishes. It works both ways.

Mongolia I know exactly what you are saying, and in my more angry moments I do feel like this, however....

I also want to have a happy sex life, I always enjoy it once I get going as DH makes a big effort, I just feel that his need to have regular sex to let of steam kind of pushes my space for need aside. He fancies me like crazy and has often said he wishes he didn't have such strong... urges

It's also very much in my interests for him to be happy, it makes my life much easier. I also just genuinely want him to be happy.

he's just so bloody touchy about me not "getting" how hard his work is, he's the main breadwinner etc.

I also think he sometimes resents agreeing to have DS and that pisses me off as he's such a brilliant kid and very easy but we're getting onto another subject now!

Overmy I'd never say anything just to hurt him, not my style and not worth it

castles I like your suggestion thanks

Yes, he is the bread winner, and it is easier for you when he is happy, but but but... the more you do "sex" when you don't feel like it, the more resentful you are going to get.

There is something to keep in mind, you can sort these things up, but there's a time limit. The moment you stop fancying him completely, that's the point of no return. You may still have sex but for some reason it becomes incredibly difficult to kiss.

So better doing something sooner than later. I'm just telling you that because that was a substantial part of my very slow and long road down to... well... yes... divorce.

I have nothing to add to mongolias wisdom.

vaishes genie-like back into lamp

so mongolia if you could turn back time, what do you wish you had done?

it feels like you're suggesting I stop having (so much?) sex for valid reasons but what do I do instead.

I would really value the voice of experience here

at what point did your marriage reach the point of no return and what are the warning signs?

No, I'm not suggesting to stop sex altogether, but to have a good conversation with your husband, to get him to agree to be nicer to you and to know that men having marital rights over the woman is an outdated concept in this country. If he doesn't agree, suggest Relate. If it doesn't work... don't let your self esteem get so down you think him unreplaceable.

If I could turn back time... well I guess I wouldn't allow h to blame the problem on me, or minimise my contibution to the family (he is where he is thanks to my support and me taking care of all the logistics so he could go out and follow his dreams). But perhaps, what I should have done, was to walk off long before I did, as soon as I realised that he didn't consider my needs as important as his.

The big warning was that sex become increasely something to endure rather than something I was looking forard to.

Then, I found it increasily difficult to kiss him (I think that was the point of no return), he become like a brother from that point.

... and the last thig, when I realised there was no way back was when a friend, hearing me complain of the marriage all the time, asked me how would I feel if I found out he was having an affair.

The first thing to come to my mind was... good! at least he would leave me alone!

I knew there and then we were beyond help.

appreciate your honesty mongolia, that's given me plenty to think about.

I should add that my DH doesn't think he has marital rights, i just think he's very sad about our sex life as he knows I don't fancy him as much. I've just never been able to be very explicit as to why.

I was wary of being so honest with him as I'm not sure how much he can do to change the situation. It might just put more pressure on him.

He's a fair bit older than me, I can't match his earnings (though I do go out and get myself another job if I'm not happy) at this stage in my career. I just feel scared for our future as he seems to have accepted the level of unhappiness that his job causes. That could be though because he sees it as his problem and nothing to do with anyone else.

Perhaps then the thing is to work on him getting another job (which he is not inclined to do) or helping him to find a way to shut the office door and leave the job issues there.

Relate? You are going to think I'm getting a commission from them

Well I'm pretty straight talking in general so I would be very straight, I can't really help it, if I try to keep something in it just escapes in another way and I'd rather it came out in words rather than it leaking out through behaviour or emotions.

I think 2 years is a long time to watch your husband on a general decline. I would certainly recommend some straight talking but it doesn't have to involve anything personal in respect of his body size or fancying etc, chances are these are fairly irrelevant.

You say you have a 2 year old and that there seems to be some resentment. His decline is tied up not only with the job but with the birth of your son. Do you think perhaps there is some jealousy towards your son and that maybe your husband is trying to get your attention through the moaning about his job, getting your sympathy and then the constant reinforcement that you still love him or at least love him as much as your son etc etc through the sex life.

How is your husband's relationship with your son?

If his job is stressful and a lot of his issues are being blamed on the job then I would want to know what he is doing proactively to combat the stress. If there is no option of him leaving his job and the job isn't going to become less stressful then he has to find some coping mechanisms, otherwise you are looking at further decline and as Magnolia says, the long slow linger to divorce.

Unless your going for sainthood or martyrdom I think it is definitely worth addressing this in fairly straight terms sooner rather than later.

Here's the issue with our DS

My DH has an older DD from a previous relationship and was very adamant that he did not want more kids, they are very difficult, ruin your relationship etc. He told me that very early on.

I said OK, but don't want to marry you, not in a blackmailing way, just wasn't going to settle down with someone who wanted different things.

So gradually my DH says, I really want to get married, I've thought about it loads and I do want another go at being a dad, let's go for it before I get too old BUT I only want one kid and i warn you it's going to be HARD. So we did and i got preg as soon as we married.

I had a pretty hairy preg and birth which terrified DH but we got over it and we have a brilliant DS nearly 2. DH is a great dad, very interested in being a dad and loving the change of having a son this time. DS is very easy and has always slept very well - though I did all the night stuff anyway. But DH always going on about how hard parenthood is. Bottom line is that I just don't see what exactly he finds so hard about having a DC?

I'm really not sure on the jealousy thing.

So job wise, i would love him to get another job but as he doesn't think I have any sympathy / understanding for his situation it may have to be via Relate (which he has done before and rates highly)

He refuses to talk about work and thinks I ask too many questions (if I say "do you mean X in X department, what do they do again?") so I've started just ignoring anything to do with work / stress / how he's feeling about work. Know it's not very mature or caring but don't know what else to do, everything else has been knocked back. Then I hear him on phone to mates etc explaining about how job is so hard, what's happening with it.

Sorry for these big long rants but it really helps clarify how i'm feeling. thanks for reading if you've got this far

Okay, so it doesn't sound like jealousy with son is an issue then.

Actually, I know what you mean about the moaning about how hard it is being a parent thing, my husband does the same now that you mention it, not so much now (wierdly enough when he does more than he ever has), but certainly when we only had 1 and I did more than the lion's share. I just dismissed it as general moaning stuff I think, i think he likes to moan about stuff in general more than me.

So you think that it all boils down to the stressful job? What is he doing to combat the stress - does he exercise, watch his diet - you know all of the things he really has to be mindful of.

If he doesn't - and i assume he doesn't given his weight gain - then thats a way in to bringing it all up.

You could bring up the fact you are worried about his increasing stress levels, that you realise he can't leave his job and that things are unlikely to improve. You could tell him you think his stress is having a really negative impact on home life and your relationship with him never mind the impact it will be having on his health.

Could he go running, great stress buster, great for burning off fat and improving general wellbeing?? YOu could do a bit of research, you know him, what kind of things would he go for?

I totally sympathise with you- in fact, I'm in pretty much the same situation myself at the moment. I also feel that the man I married has turned into an overweight, grumpy, stressed out workaholic. Like you we also have a 2yr old.

I really think you need to tell him that you are unhappy- perhaps not necessarily with him- but with the situation and the way its is affecting your relationship. Perhaps if you begin to talk about your feelings, he might open up a little about his work stress and see the impact that it's had on him- mood, weight, etc. Rather than going at him in a negative way, tell him that you're worried about bhis health. We had a similar conversation yesterday and DP has finally admitted that he needs to job hunt and think about his health/family.

Good luck!! x

bloodyright

I think the exercise thing is a problem, he would normally be out much more but because of the bad weather he's not been able to and it gets him down. he's also been really binge eating but claims he's got too much to deal with to think about his diet - yes I know, big vicious circle.

rioja very glad to hear that your DH will admit there is a problem. What did you say to him to make him take it seriously? my DH is one of those that will dig his heels in to any of my suggestions but if I can make him think it's his idea he'll be right on it. Now...how to make him think it's his own idea????

Just had a chat with his parents and they think he's being an arse but also admit that he was like this when his DD was small and has had regular periods of this throughout his life.

Maybe i just need to wait until DS is older, I do feel tho that this is my one chance at being a mum and i want to enjoy it IYKWIM

In terms of the longevity of a marriage, anyone got anything to say about managing expectations and balancing it with the reality of life?

How do you see it through the bad times?

My own parents let a lot of hate and resentment build up over a long time and I'm terrified of this happening to us

You're right- getting him to admit he has a problem is a tough one!! I just used his ranting about work as a way in- saying how unhappy it seemed to make him and how much of his so called free time it took up! Did your DH exercise much prior to all of this?! Mine was very sporty, but as he now has no time to spare it has gone by the wayside, so I pointed this out. Very slowly the tiny subtle hints that I began to sow are becoming his own ideas.... for example, he's decided that today he will make sure that he's at home for bath and bedtime, regardless of work situation and following that will jump on the cross trainer!! But making it last, when the pressure of a new working weeks sets in, is the challenge!!

I know how you feel - DH is always banging on about honesty and is more than happy to tell me some home truths but doesn't like hearing them. I find it very hard to be honest with him how I'm feeling when upset because I don't feel he'll ever take it the right way, he'll find a way of turning it round to being my fault. At least that's the way it will sound to me - we've sometimes come to blows on this and he's said that was never his intention. When we both open up we actually have very decent conversations about how we're feeling and how we can treat each other better, but do both seem to have to want to do it at the same time (ie when he does!)

Sorry to hijack the thread, we're in a good place at the moment but it turns very quickly. Also doesn't help he also has a high sex drive and moans I don't start the seduction, but then he always bloody beats me to it! Plus I do the majority of the childcare of 14mo DS and so am knackered much more than him.

in answer to your initial question - i ALWAYS tell DP (fiance) when i think he's looking tired, getting gumpy etc.

he is a professional in the construction industry so the last year's been awful for him but he knows i love him and that when i tell him he needs to get a grip on his work-life balance i am serious and only doing it because i care for him.

when my DP gets stressed he stops exercising and puts on weight and then doesn't want sex (cause he's selfconscious about his tummy) but to be honest that is the least of my worries - i just want him to be happy and not drive himself to an early grave and he knows that.

when he gets work into perspective everything is better - his health, his weight, his mood and our sex life