how honest (even brutal) can you be with your DH?

[scruffymomma]

DH and I are having a few issues and I would love to tell him a few thing really straight.

Probs are mainly due to the fact that he has a very stressful job which he hates. Add a (very good) 2 yr old in the mix and he isn't really coping.

the only thing that hasn't changed is his sex drive - he can never get enough (it's his way of coping) and although he tries to keep it in check, it's a (growing) source of tension between us.

My energetic, youthful, fit and positive DH has, over the last 2 years become stressed, old, overweight, EXTREMELY negative and generally grumpy / rude. He thinks I don't appreciate how hard he has it, I don't think he realises how difficult he is to live with.

I still love him dearly, I want to be there for him, but tbh, find it hard to fancy him in the same way and I REALLY wish i did. he would feel a whole lot happier if I were more into him and I would find that easier if he were more like the man I married.

I just don't think i could be that brutal by telling him this. BUT I need to say something as the wedge is growing....

I should add that he's really into honesty and doesn't have a problem with giving home truths, just not sure that he could take them at the moment.

how much straight talking can you direct towards your OH?

I am always as honest as possible with my DH...not blunt or insensitive 'honest'..just a question do you work as well?...have you changed since marriage?

mouseyhair You could be me! Do you consider yourself an assertive person? I do but recently finding that I just can't "handle" his erm, big (read forceful) personality and just walk away muttering to myself... Combined with the fact that i have to handle a 2 year old (which I'm happy to do) I can't really be arsed with his antics.

However, i think I may come across as very harsh to him as, seeing as how he refuses to talk about work (I don't understand apparently) I have given up being all sympathetic so i just try to ignore. Which probably doesn't help....Just don't know what else to say to him.

I do understand though for a lot of guys who are the breadwinners, this last year in particular must have been really stressful. My DH has a v.expensive lifestyle so he can't let go of his income. I've got no cash, don't really care. But maybe that's part of the problem?!

mumcentre I do work yes, only part time, tho I've upped this to 4 days and sometimes on weekends to increase my financial independence.

He won't mix finances so at the moment he is carrying the lions share of the bills by quite a long way (even if I worked FT he would still earn more than double what I do)

I moved into his house when we met so I think he feels like the dad of us all even though I'm always craving more responsibility. I think he's one of those people who likes the idea of not having to be in charge but then just can't not be in charge.

I've had DS since marrying so i suppose I must have changed - certainly my priorities have, but feel that fundamentally I'm still the same, am independent, have own friends, do things without him, he has his holidays with mates etc. I am, however less interested in sex.

So you have both changed...you really need to be honest with him...and discuss how you both feel..being a family changes people their perceptions, ideas and their responsibilites too (imagined or otherwise)...you may have to intiate it but you both need to talk about your feelings...your post sounds quite self centred in places ...but I dont believe thats what you want to convey...try to find time to talk to him in a neutral setting with kind words

yeah I was worried I would come across as self centred, just didn't want to speak too much on his behalf. That's good for me to hear too though, I do realise I've got stuff to work on too!

Yes, you may be perceived as self centred... but that doesn't mean that you are, and from your posts, it seems to me that he is just concentrated in his own problems and finding it difficult to "carry" problems that you are sorting yourself.

Maybe your DH feels under more pressure to be the breadwinner, work hard etc because he has DS to provide for as well. So you pointing out to him that he is also overweight, stressed etc may make him worse.
That doesn't mean he is being reasonable, rather that he has go so focussed on one aspect of being a husband and father i.e. the provider that he has forgotten that the other bits are just as important.
From the outside it is easy to remember the old adage "when they get to 70 nobody wishes they spent more time in the office" but not when you are caught up in the provider role. DH is a Sahd and I am the main breadwinner with 2DS's and sometimes I feel completely trapped in my role as provider even though it makes complete sense for me to work as I earn a lot more than DH. I have had to force myself to look at the balance in my life as I wasn't really playing my role as a parent and partner.
Perhaps you need to think of ways to help him refocus on his wider role in your life, even if its just getting him to go with you and DS to the park and kick a ball around for a bit.

Your DH needs to find other ways of relieving his stress than expecting to have sex with you on demand. That really isn't on and of course you are deeply upset to be used like this. Because he is using you.

He needs to learn to manage his stress better - and having a healthier lifestyle is one way of doing that. You need to help him eat better and sleep more, both of which will help him manage his grumpiness/temper and will help him lose weight. Does he do any sport or outdoors activity (gardening?)? He needs to get out into the fresh air and get rid of some tension.

Don't attack him about this, but tell him why sex is not a solution and help him find other solutions that suit both of you better.

definately am normally quite assertive but hate confrontation and after strings of boyfriends who would dump me in an instant I guess I've learnt to make life easier for my other half for fear of losing him....

Of course you're priorities have changed, they've had too....sounds like maybe his ought to a little as well. Who cares about an extravagant lifestyle when you hae a brilliant 2yr old?