H is trying to kick me out

[skinsl]

Big row and he asked me and DS(2) to leave this morning. I went out with DS to give him some time to calm down.
Things gone from bad to worse and now he is shouting and screaming and telling me I need to leave. Won't let me take the car, so he is saying he will phone my family and get them to come and pick me up. They live 4 hours away.
Also being really nasty saying he will get custody of son, he will fight me, etc etc.
I am SAHM and he earns a good salary. he has never been hands on father and has not "looked after" son for more than an afternoon or evening. He is also very short tempered and stressed and irritable.

He now says he wants me to leave but he will look after son. He has gone out and says he will be back before bedtime.
I have told him I am not leaving without son.

Anyone any legal advice??
I am shaking.

We also have builders in, house is a bombsite.

Tiffany-there are a combination of things that contribute to his anger.. he works l5+ hours a day in a very stressful job, has very high expectations, hasn't dealt with trauma from his past. Has a big hang up about money, wants to prove he has earned some.Has a big chip on his shoulder from his dad dying when he was young, wants to be a good dad, but doesn't come naturally. Hates living in this country, he's not from here. Only child, very selfish( i know not every only child is selfish!) No patience, no tolerance. Cannot put himself into someone else's shoes.
But mainly he cannot switch off.. he never stops thinking and analysing everything. Which means that his brain never shuts down.

I'm exhausted just writing that down! It sounds like a very long list of bad characteristics, but it's like a vicious circle.
Our counselling was supposed to lead the way to some anger/stress counselling for him, but haven't got there yet.
Will look at that freedom programme a bit closer, thanks Vicky

dont hold out for anger management schemes working,i have years of experience of those with my ex,they just would never work for him.

to be honest,the way you describe him above made me wonder where you fit in? its all about him isnt it. all about what he wants to achieve. is it truly worth it? i mean,fast forward fifteen years.....can you see yourself growing old with him?

yes, Tiffany, it is all about him. So much so that my counsellor asked to see me alone so that she could see what I wanted/needed.
If circumstances change, ie hours of work, stress in work and he gets help with the anger, I'm thinking specialist therapy, then I think we have chance. He has also talked to his GP about depression, but not pursued it. I think I can hang on just a bit longer.
With regards to me, I am very low maintenance and I am very happy with my home life with DS. I was a bit of a career woman, and never expected I could be this content at home. But yes there is an argument that I deserve more from him.

Tiffany, the Freedom programme isn't anger management: its for perpetrators of abuse and their long suffering partners.
OP, your man is an abuser so he needs specialised treatment targeted towards ABUSERS.
I hope for your sake things work out one way or another.

why do they not abuse anyone else in their life? His friends think he is perfect

why doesnt he abuse anyone else? because they wouldnt LET him,they wouldnt stand for it would they...

wasnt referring to freedom programme,just anger management in general. they arent a cure all these courses. he would have to really,really want to change.....how badly does he want to sort this out op??

They don't abuse other people - easier to pick on a woman behind closed doors. They are cowards.

it's not a conscious thing, he doesn't choose to do it, he is lovely most of the time. But when things get on top of him he cannot control his anger and it makes him unreasonable, and mean and nasty
And I don't let him abuse me, I have always challenged him when he is not nice to me. the problem is now it is more often, so therefore unbearable

'it's not a conscious thing, he doesn't choose to do it, he is lovely most of the time. '

YES, yes it is and he does choose to do it.

He is an adult.

Adults are capable of regulating their behaviour and if they aren't then they need to, of their own initiative, get professional help and support to do so unless they are not of sound mind.

Don't make excuses.

sorry, expat, not sure i can explain this. I am just trying to say that it seems to be an involuntary reaction, not a considered response to a given situation. I agree he should be able to regulate his behaviour, and if he doesn't lose his temper with his friends why does he lose it with me?

absolutely he can control himself - he chooses to let it all out at you. i do know where you coming from - is hrd to fathom - the lovely man who your/his friends think is wonderful - versus the tyrant angry man at home - but not all the time.

surely it msut be explained by stress/depression/whatever...

it doesnt matter- HE is repsonsible for working it out.

your job is a) to let him know it is unacceptable b) you can suggest he goes for somekind of therapy c) ultimately, decide what your reaction to his behaviour will be. you cannot change his behaviour.

he should go, perhaps? not you...

read and understand, the cycle of abuse.
www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/dynamics.htm

my exP (who also comes from abroad and was constantly moaning about uk) only last week on my doorstep (when i stated again eh could not come in because las ttime inside my home he was violent) explained that the reason he smahed his fist thru my door the last time i allowed him in my home was "because you made me by saying something i didnt agree with".

they can always justify...

but if he really cannot control his anger - says that is the reason - then he must admit to needing help himself. it isnt normal behaviour...but has become normal for you...

my exP went on anger management - he then told my solicitor he had been on the course with people who really were abusive and bashed up their partners - so not like him - just a push and a shove here and there and verbal anger...

as you said: "if he doesn't lose his temper with his friends why does he lose it with me? "

if its an unvoluntary thing then it would happen everywhere,it wouuldnt just happen with you would it!!

you say he has a stressfull job? then it stands to reasdon if it was unvoluntaty then it would happen there....

he's got you sucked in here hasnt he?

skinsl, he is only nasty to you, because he feels entitled to and nobody else would tolerate it

you say you don't tolerate it, but you do...by trying to find reasons for it, and excusing it on the basis that he has had a crap life and is striving for more

he is making your life crap...why is that acceptable to you ?

you are making excuses, and things will never change until you stop denying and start accepting you are living with an abusive man

maybe in his culture this behaviour is acceptable?

re-read your op from sunday skins....read it again,whats changed in 4 days?

I hear what you are saying, skinsi: you are saying that he doesn't sit for hours in his study, cackling and rubbing his hands together as he works out new and ever more ingenious ways of making your life hell.

No, perhaps not. But he is operating, however unconsciously, from a perspective that you are shit, you don't matter, it doesn't matter how he treats you, he doesn't have to make any effort to control himself around you, you are 2nd class etc etc. I could go on. And, the thing is - that view point is abusive. People who are operating from that viewpoint are abusers. It doesn't matter if he had a crappy childhood, or has unresolved trauma, or a stressful job: he's still an abuser.

I would strongly recommend you read this book. It's called "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. You don't have to make your mind up about you partner now, just buy the book and read it with an open mind, and see what you think after you have digested it.
I think it's at least possible that you will find a description of your partner within its pages. It one of the best books around for women dealing with behaviour like this. Lundy has worked with abusive men for years and has an in depth understanding of what makes them tick: they have confessed and admitted things to him that they wouldn't dare say to anyone else, because he's a man and they thought he was on their side. He wasn't. He's a decent, nice man and a good example of how much better women like you can do, and of what is possible in terms of men treating women really REALLY well. And no, I'm not married to him

Please give it a try. I think you would find it helpful, to put it mildly. Take care.

Great post, cheerfulvicky.

I am sorry but he is like my H. He does not respect you and does not seem to care, therefore, how he treats you. If he is like my H, he does not really like women. He does not rate them and wants to be in control. Sometimes now with my H it is just one long power battle between us. He has the power financially due to his high earning capacity and I have been a SAHM (but he is not above the law - as he thinks, in this respect re. his responsibilities financially). When he used physical control over me alot in the past, he had control that way too. Now he has still got the power psychologically/emotionally - but to a lesser extent now - as I am not the same person I was a year ago.

In the past (years ago) he has bullied me out of the house, in the middle of winter when I was pregnant. I couldn't even stand up for myself at that time as he had bullied and intimidated me so much over the previous years I was totally brainwashed.

I am at the stage now that I really do not want to carry on years more with a man who does not see me as an equal, and never has.

They make your life a misery and they are just carrying on with their lives quite happily. That makes me angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't let him treat you like crap.

seconded

thank you all for your posts, will re-read until I can make some sense of it all.
My original post now seems like a million years ago. We have just had the best weekend away.
I don't like to think that I am making excuses and burying my head in the sand. We are trying to deal with it, and I am trying to find some reasons for it. I married someone who didn't used to be like this, and is now having a really bad time.I am not going to walk out at the first sign of trouble. If that's unacceptable, I am sorry, but I'm not leaving until I believe it can't be fixed. He has accepted responsibility and knows he has to change.
Tiffany, its not a culture thing, he is from New Zealand!
I am very confused at the moment, probably because we had a good weekend,so will take on board all your comments, thank you

skinsl
< My original post now seems like a million years ago. We have just had the best weekend away. >

Did you look at that Cycle of Abuse page??

< I married someone who didn't used to be like this, and is now having a really bad time. >

Oh, OK ...
< he has never been hands on father and has not "looked after" son for more than an afternoon or evening. He is also very short tempered and stressed and irritable. >
... a really long, really bad time ...

< I don't let him abuse me, I have always challenged him when he is not nice to me >

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I didn't think people in healthy marriages had to stay on guard against abuse?

Oh, well. Good luck

I am hating this.
My last post said I would re-read everything you have all posted, I haven't had a second to myself for the last week,and I just wanted to say I wasn't ignoring any of your well meaning posts.So no I hadn't read cycle of abuse.
I don't want to retaliate, but I don't feel like I am on guard against abuse.
my original post was a request for some help about your rights when your husband is being unreasonable during a row and why should I be the one to move out.
Grace- I have now read the cycle of abuse and I can see exactly what you mean about the weekend and the"honeymoon" period. And there are a couple of other bells ringing. Cestlavie, thanks for posting it.
With regards to DS, by "hands on" I mean the nappy changing and the feeding, lots of men are like that, it was only relevant because I was talking about it being nonsense him looking after him for any lengthy period of time. He is short tempered and irritable and stressed, but I repeat, he hasn't always been like this.
This is a new thing and it has gotten worse as his stress/worries have increased.
The rows are more frequent and during the rows that's when he gets nasty and hurtful.
But don't a lot of people during rows!?
This is why we are having counselling and we have now asked the counsellor to recommend a more specific counsellor/programme for DH.

I hate this, because I probably sound like the classic victim making excuses, but I can't just walk away and not try and fix it.
There must be some people who go through a bad time and come through the other end.
If in 6 months time I am getting divorced I will not think I should've jacked it in earlier, I will think I did everything I could to save my marriage.

so how are things skins?? what do you plan to do about all of this?

I think I will show him the cycle of abuse stuff and show him how close he is to this behaviour.
Then a counsellor, he is working less hours so that's good, and he is employing one more person, so that might take the pressure off a little bit.
Meantime I will find out what my own rights are, so I am prepared if it happens again.
I think if he blows up again one more time, then its over. I am hoping last week was the rock bottom.

See you back on here the next time he does it, then I really hope I'm wrong.

I also hope that if it gets to a point where you are ready to throw in the towel, you still have the emotional and mental strength to do so. It very easy to get so ground down you are unable to act - and you sound like you are already halfway there.

But again, do what you feel is best and we will be here if you need advice about how to leave. I wouldn't show him the cycle of abuse thing but others may disagree.

Vicky, I hope you are wrong too! But I am not ruling out that it could all go wrong.

I am very strong don't worry too much.
I have read a lot on here re abuse and now feel a lot more educated and more supported and feel like I know where to go for help