Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

H is trying to kick me out

75 replies

skinsl · 24/01/2010 17:27

Big row and he asked me and DS(2) to leave this morning. I went out with DS to give him some time to calm down.
Things gone from bad to worse and now he is shouting and screaming and telling me I need to leave. Won't let me take the car, so he is saying he will phone my family and get them to come and pick me up. They live 4 hours away.
Also being really nasty saying he will get custody of son, he will fight me, etc etc.
I am SAHM and he earns a good salary. he has never been hands on father and has not "looked after" son for more than an afternoon or evening. He is also very short tempered and stressed and irritable.

He now says he wants me to leave but he will look after son. He has gone out and says he will be back before bedtime.
I have told him I am not leaving without son.

Anyone any legal advice??
I am shaking.

We also have builders in, house is a bombsite.

OP posts:

Fruitysunshine · 24/01/2010 18:13

You are right Custardo - I just went with my initial gut reaction instead of my usual considered responses.

Original poster

skinsl · 24/01/2010 18:13

I have tried to talk to him today about if we do split up, we will do it fairly and evenly. Trying to persuade him to be reasonable. I actually think he needs professional help. To go from the nice family playing in the park yesterday, to this is ridiculous.
I will speak to a solicitor etc tomorrow. But he arranged to take morning off to talk to builders, and won't leave that to me, cos i am useless apparently.

i think locking him out it not really feasible.
I will get police number and get ready to call. Hopefully he will have calmed down a bit, he has been gone 3 hours.

OP posts:

hobbgoblin · 24/01/2010 18:15

Still think you should give police a heads up. If you do split up and this threatening behaviour is on file you may find it very, VERY helpful.

I say this from personal experience.

Original poster

skinsl · 24/01/2010 18:15

financial situation isnt good, and just paid builders all we have left! But i'm not worried about surviving on my own with DS financially or otherwise. I just wanted to sort it out fairly. 90% of the furniture is mine.. if he wants to play it like that.

OP posts:

Ready4anothercoffee · 24/01/2010 18:22

I would als give he police a ring, and make sureyou have a bag packed incase you need to make a swift exit. There's agood list in the survivors handbook on the wa site.

Fincially you will be fine on your own. Don't know how it works with a mortgage, but most of us survive fine.

hobbgoblin · 24/01/2010 18:29

I'm off to make dinner now but just wanted to say that the police are very experienced and much more clued up about dealing with domestic abuse and violence these days.

They don't think it's another silly row between a couple that they have been dragged into hysterically by one of the warring partners.

You can call up and say "I feel a bit OTT calling you but an argument I had today became very threatening and I do believe my DH may throw me and my child out of the house with nowhere to go, I don't think he'll hurt me but he has been very verbally abusive towards me and my son has been with me, please can I log this information in case the situation escalates and I feel unsafe?"

They will take your details and if they receive a call from any of your numbers it will flag up as urgent response if you tell them he may become physically violent (even if only towards plates or the wall it is still physical violence and the police WILL NOT tolerate this).

Unless something actually happens Social services will not be involved and no more will be done or said without your request, but they may ask if you want to be put in touch with the DV team for a chat during the day.

Up to you. Good luck though.

Original poster

skinsl · 24/01/2010 18:35

thank you all, have all the numbers in my phone, and going to phone the police now. Gonna log off now, cos he should be back soon
thanks
x

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 24/01/2010 18:40

Please let us know how you are, skinsl.

nipscouldcutglass · 24/01/2010 22:26

I hope everything is ok?

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 24/01/2010 23:08

OP, are you alright? x

Original poster

skinsl · 25/01/2010 00:28

thanks, I'm ok.
he came back very quiet and sad.
DS went to bed, then we argued again, he threw the remote control,so i called the police,he nearly wet himself. they took forever to come round, but talked to us both and reported it as a non-incident, cant remember the exact phrase. He has calmed down considerably. Dont know what is going to happen now.
but thanks, I'm ok-ish!!

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 25/01/2010 00:33

I hope things improve for you- don't leave though, it's your home as much as his

kinnies · 25/01/2010 00:33

Hey Skinsl,
You did the right thing calling the police.
If nothing else it tells your H that you have rights and he needs to respect them.

This must be so hard for you and I'm sorry for that.

Glad your ok.

SolidGoldBrass · 25/01/2010 00:36

Well done for calling the police. What you have done is demonstrate to him clearly that he has no right to bully and frighten you, that he will not be allowed to hurt you or throw you out of your home just because he wants to, and that other people are watching and taking note of his behaviour.
Abusers frequently convince their victims that they are all-powerful and that everyone else will agree that the victim deserves the abuse, is not a person, has no rights, and that the abuser can do whatever s/he wants. This is bullshit - as you have found out.
It may well be that the relationship is not fixable, but it may also be the case that you can negotiate a separation reasonably. However if he goes nuts again, you know that you can call for help and help is there.
Best of luck.

Tortington · 25/01/2010 00:41

great stuff.

please still take the opportunity tomorrow to make appointments with CAB and solicitors and to do a bit of research so you have all the facts should you need them at some stage in the future.

Original poster

skinsl · 25/01/2010 10:31

the police were lovely actually. Said they go to all sorts of domestics and they don't give them much hope, but they really hope we sort it out! I cried then.
It did give him a big shock, and hopefully it has made him understand that that I won't stand for the that type of treatment anymore. I have always told him that there is a limit to that, and now is that time.
Said yesterday was the worst day of his life.He accepted that his behaviour was bullying and unreasonable, but he was still whingeing that I was to blame... re the original arguments. We talked until 2am, but didn't really get much further. going round in circles really.
Have had to sort the builders out this morning, and we are on the same side about that disaster, so all been very civil
I am going to phone this legal no. that womens aid gave me, and see what they say.

thanks for all your support

OP posts:

PlumBumMum · 25/01/2010 11:48

good for you and best of luck sorting it al out

kinnies · 25/01/2010 19:47

Skinsl,
Hope youre ok.

Original poster

skinsl · 25/01/2010 23:01

I'm ok thanks kinnies. things have calmed down a lot. he had the whole day off work, we sorted the builder and he went to bed earlier, manflu coming on I fear.
I think he has had some sort of breakdown.
i am so tired I can't really think straight. Took 1 1/2 hours to get DS to sleep this evening. He's fine, just wasn't tired and wanted to play in his bedroom.
I don't know what is going to happen. In my heart I know it should end... but the thought of the heartbreak is just too much to think about right now.

OP posts:

dollius · 26/01/2010 21:57

How are things now, OP?

Original poster

skinsl · 27/01/2010 08:58

I know you are all gonna tell me I need to leave him, and I don't hold out a lot of hope for the future unless he changes.
But for the time being we are staying together. we talked a lot about things that need to change, mainly he needs help with his anger, which is caused by stress, mainly his job. his boss has told him to take a week off, well ordered him to take a week off. We are going away for the weekend, it was always, lets just get away and we will be ok. Maybe fooling ourselves. We do love each other, but have had a shit load of bad luck. He can be bullying and very selfish, but he has admitted that, and desperately wants to be a better person for me and DS.
I keep thinking that the police reckon we have a chance! stupid.

OP posts:

PlumBumMum · 27/01/2010 09:43

Skinsl maybe you do have a chance the fact that his boss has ordered him to take time off suggests its more than just your relationship

Do you think he will go see somebody about his anger/stress?

good luck keep us posted

kinnies · 27/01/2010 19:40

If he will get help and try hard then you have a chance.

I will say go with caution though. Hopfuly he will start to improve with help but you should prepare yourself for the fact it may not work out.
You say that he can be a sefish bully. Thats not good is it?

Whatever you do, dont keep your problems to yourself.x

GypsyMoth · 27/01/2010 19:48

Skins, who has told you that stress is the cause of his anger??

cheerfulvicky · 27/01/2010 20:01

Is he willing to do something like the freedom programme? If not, I'd say forget it

Flip

1 2 3