Would you stay with dp/dh if he said he was only with you for dc's sake?

[notalot]

I've namechanged but think even if I got found out now prob won't make the situation any worse. Sorry if this is long.

DP came out with the bombshell last night that he doesn't want to be with me, just staying with me for sake of DS2 (DS1 is his stepson) and wouldn't answer me when I asked if he still loved me. We were arguing about DS1 because DP had shouted at DS1 for DS2 misbehaving and I thought he was being totally unfair. DP said I shouldn't undermine him when disciplining the DC's but how could I sit there and let him shout at a 6 year old for something he hadn't done? Anyway it turned into a horrible argument where he said I was being a terrible mother to DS2, the wedding is off (meant to be getting married in Dec, all booked) and basically he was only staying with me so as not to break up the family

I ended up going to bed because it was escalating into a shouting match. I spoke to DP this morning and it seems he stands by what he said. He said we should be civil to each other as we have to live with each other and I said I'm not prepared to live like a 50's housewife in an depressing and unhappy relationship. He asked me what I'm going to do about it and I said 'Maybe I should find house and move out?' He replied 'That sounds like a good idea.'

I feel like such a failure. 2 dc's with 2 different father's, another failed relationship and now a wedding to cancel. I still love him and keep thinking maybe we should stay together for the dc's but my self esteem's at rock bottom. I'm not sure I could deal with the sadness. Got to go, too upset to write more.

Is he usually the type to say thing in the heat of a row? I know he stuck by it but some men will say things to hurt you then be cruel enough to keep it up out of spite. Or is he a mature, level headed person?
You need to speak with him again, when you're calm. Tell him you've taken what he said seriously, and that if it's wedding nerves or spite he'd better tell you before you make plans to leave, because there won't be any going back later.
What a shit thing to have to deal with

Do you think he may have said these things in the heat of the moment (and continuning his temper today). If so, I would try and work at things. It isn't worth leaving over just one argument and people do get really angry and say nasty things during arguments.

If he really feels like this once he has calmed down, then no way would I marry him just for the sake of the DCs. Particularly if he usually treats your DS1 worse than DS2.

He is usually mature and level headed but he can lose his temper. When he loses it he really loses it. He's just being so cold about it all.
He doesn't seem at all sad, just angry so maybe he is doing out of spite.

I can't help getting upset either so it's frustrating me. He's gone out to his dad's now but will be back soon. I won't be marrying him if he really feels this way messy. I'd have to leave just to stop myself spiralling down.

It does sound like you undermined him in front of the dc though - couldn't you have pointed out you thought he was wrong privately afterwards?

Maybe it was just a heat of the moment thing.

So, so sorry.

But can I also say well done for sticking up for ds1 - of course you shouldn't let him be told off for something ds2 had done.

Is he saying all this so you won't 'interfere' next time if he's telling ds1 off? Does he usually treat him this way?

tbh he sounds like a twat and you're well rid - but I know that's not what you want to hear (and I'm a bit of a man hating mare at the moment so I'd ignore anything I say anyway).

What you say about his temper also worries me. And to continue saying those things after the argument means that he does actually mean them.

You're not the failure in this though - he is.

Pointing out that ds1 didn't do what he is being accused of is not undermining parenting.

If I was screaming at dd, and dh pointed out that it was ds who did it, I'd be bloody grateful. I'd also be apologising to dd, not blaming dh for my parenting faults.

No, of course I wouldn't. I deserve to be loved and valued for my own sake, by the man I live with. So do you.

And I agree with Tootiredtothink. Pointing out that someone is objectively wrong about something isn't undermining them. Too many people think that mindless support in the face of wrong, is good, united, parenting. It's not. It's good for children to see that their parents can disagree and the sky doesn't fall, the still carry on loving each other.

From how this is described it sounds to me like the 6 year old was being blamed for younger brother's misbehaviour, not mistakenly being blamed for what ds2 had done (sorry if wrong about this, op)

I think as parents you need to be very careful about not undermining each other, and it's very unclear to me whether the op was right to defend ds1. It may be that the dh was right in his perception of what happened, or perhaps he treats the dcs differently, or has expectations of older child that are too high.

If my reading of the situation is correct then I think it needed a longer, calmer conversation than you can or should be having in front of children.

Either way I think you should be as chill as he is until he calms down. Also stop the talk about moving out. He can go if anyone is.

Skidoodle I agree - you need to be very carerful about not undermining each other, but you also need to not be afraid of showing your children that you can disagree and resolve your disagreements amicably. That's good role-modelling.

What a cheeky twat, we should be civil if we have to live with each other ect.I assume that means you carry on cooking his meals , washing his skiddy pants while he states hes only there for the kids and emotionally abuses you ?
Bollocks, you deserve better and from the sounds of it this isnt a one off. If he cant state he loves you and be decent ect he can fuck off to find someone else.

You do get its unlikeley he means this , its just a way to chip at you and have you gratefull for his prescance.Tell him to not bother coming home and see what his reaction is!

As for terrible mother, tell him to kiss your arse! Who does he think he is? Dont ask him further questions re whether he loves you or not, in fact just tell him, hes right, its best if you dont get married as your not right for each other ect, and that in fact your too young to settle down, want to play the feild a bit yet.And by the way, when will he be moving out? Also he,d better take his son with him as your such a terrible mother and you will see him on weekends.

Your comment about rock bottom self esteem concerns me op, and no, dont even think about staying together for the dcs.

Let him have his tantrums somewhere else, goes without saying they all happen in private, with just you and the dcs to witness them.

I would not stay with someone for the kids. What does that teach them? And I wouldn't stay with someone who said they were only with me. Call his bluff, get some control back for yourself. If he is genuine, he can go elsewhere and allow you to have a steady life with your children, with his involvement as an absent parent. If he was just being cruel, then you need to take some control here - it's not acceptable to say things like this unless you mean it. It is a lie and hurtful and most of all damaging to trust.

Is it his house? Get him to move out otherwise, why should you turn your world upside down?

Good post Dignified. Especially the last line

Totally second what dignified says. I would defo be calling his bluff too. If what he says is true then he should be told to fuck right off and have his strops somewhere else.

Just re read my earlier post op and hope it didnt sound flippant, ie just tell him to fuck off, i know its not quite that easy.Ive had a bully and i know how they work, in the end the only opinion i had of myself was his, and it wasnt a good one.
I would actually say to myself " im a terrible wife and mum, no wonder he treats me this way, i dont know how he puts up with me "!
Bollocks, im a fab mum! And im nice, good looking ( i think! )a fab freind ect ect while hes a fat little shit who stinks.

Until you start to regain your confidence none of this will be easy to deal with.You have probably internalised his shit opinion of you like he set out to do..What about getting some counselling to regain your self esteem? Some places do it for free, have a look on line. New haircut, start going out, note the men eyeing you up and most importantly surround yourself with people who tell you how fab you are.Bollocks to anyone in your life whos negative.
You really will have to work hard on this op, its what he uses to control you.They all do.

Will bet hes got no intention of cancelling the wedding, expect an apology and a " of course i love you, i was just tired / stressed ect ".

Bollocks, after a few nights out having fun the last thing you,ll want to do is race home to wash his skiddy pants !

And I third Dignified's post!! How dare he!!

You should maybe think of the fact that you are not getting married as a good thing I reckon - in that you've had a lucky escape from a loveless marriage. You may be able to keep up the facade of the perfect nuclear family for a while, but eventually it will break down and then you'll have a divorce to go through, which of course is not a preferable outcome.

Don't look at your life as a disaster. By making a clean break from this partnership, you are making a fresh start. Just be proud of the fact that you have what you have - two DC's and the capability to do what's right for them. Feel strong and focused and get on with making your life happy and stable without your P.

Be careful at dismissing his comments as 'heat of the moment' stuff. If it is, then it is a pretty sick and hurtful way of making a point. I think, however, that he may have contemplated these feelings for a while and he's found the opportunity to throw them at you during this argument. Otherwise surely he'd be eating humble pie by now?

Well said dignified.

Op, hope you're ok?

I fourth dignified

"you should stay civil"...and carry on cooking, washing, looking after his dc and letting you give him the occasional blow job ?

fuck that

Op if he isnsists on this " civilised " arrangement apear willing " Yes i agree , i think its less disruption for the dcs and better than toing and froing, this way ill be able to go out without having to pay a babysitter. Will you be staying in this weekend? Only " recently divorced Jane " has asked me on a night out and ill probably be staying over , thats ok isnt it ".

Remember to casually add that youve discussed this with your family and freinds,and your parents think its for the best as they knew it wasnt going to work!

Watch him backtrack, and watch him be outraged that youve dared to discuss this with anyone! Discuss it with everyone ! They only say this shit cos they know you feel shit about telling people.
Fuck it, tell everyone and get some real life support. Watch him start sniffing about " All your freinds think im shit now, thanks a lot ".

He came back yesterday and hugged me and said it's not how he feels about me that is the problem it's the situation with DS1 . He is struggling with being a step parent. I'm not sure I 100% believe him and I still feel very shaky about the marriage(can tell it's getting to me as I had a dream about the wedding last night and everything was going wrong).

I don't know what to do about it all, I made it clear before we even got together that I had DS1. When we did eventually get together he was great with him, but DS1 was only 2yrs at the time. The problems seem to stem from when we had DS2. But I baffled about what the problem is?

I feel resentful that he can say he's only with me for the dc's sake and then turn round and expect me to just be ok with it without even apologising. We ended the arguing yesterday but I feel like nothing has been resolved. For some reason I feel like I'm on a cliff edge about to fall off. Not good when I'm sat at work trying to get on with tricky spreadsheets and databases.

BTW, I meant to say thanks for all your replies at the beginning! They have been really helpful for not allowing me to sweep it all under the carpet in my mind like I usually do. Dignified - what you say makes alot of sense.

Your poor DS1.
I wouldn't sacrifice my child's well being because a grown man can't handle being a stepdad. He has had four years to come to terms with this.
The wedding would def not be on until he proved he was as committed to to DS1's happiness as he is to his biological childs.

Notalot.
Can you cancel the wedding without being charged for anything. If so I would do it as it sounds like you have got lots of issues that need sorting out before you commit yourself to a man like this.
Would your partner be open to some counselling? Speciffically to deal with his relationship with DS1.
Could you perhaps make it a condition of marriage.
Stand up to him because if you do not stand up now then you may find in a few years time you have a resentful teenager (ds1) and a spoilt ds2. With you all meek and fearful in the background.

Maybe I am being a little pessimistic but do feel that you will be doing your DS1 a real disservice by letting this situation go on with out resolving DP's feelings toward him.

Good luck with it all.

Ps you dont move out he does.