Would you stay with dp/dh if he said he was only with you for dc's sake?

[notalot]

I've namechanged but think even if I got found out now prob won't make the situation any worse. Sorry if this is long.

DP came out with the bombshell last night that he doesn't want to be with me, just staying with me for sake of DS2 (DS1 is his stepson) and wouldn't answer me when I asked if he still loved me. We were arguing about DS1 because DP had shouted at DS1 for DS2 misbehaving and I thought he was being totally unfair. DP said I shouldn't undermine him when disciplining the DC's but how could I sit there and let him shout at a 6 year old for something he hadn't done? Anyway it turned into a horrible argument where he said I was being a terrible mother to DS2, the wedding is off (meant to be getting married in Dec, all booked) and basically he was only staying with me so as not to break up the family

I ended up going to bed because it was escalating into a shouting match. I spoke to DP this morning and it seems he stands by what he said. He said we should be civil to each other as we have to live with each other and I said I'm not prepared to live like a 50's housewife in an depressing and unhappy relationship. He asked me what I'm going to do about it and I said 'Maybe I should find house and move out?' He replied 'That sounds like a good idea.'

I feel like such a failure. 2 dc's with 2 different father's, another failed relationship and now a wedding to cancel. I still love him and keep thinking maybe we should stay together for the dc's but my self esteem's at rock bottom. I'm not sure I could deal with the sadness. Got to go, too upset to write more.

I'm a stuck record on this kind of thing but would heartily recommend some couples counselling (relate for example). Especially as (it seems) he loves you and you think it stems from the birth of your second child. Step parenting a young child can be very tough and confusing, especially if you don't have much 'you' time as a couple for your relationship to grow without a child around.

I have read in many places that anger is a reaction to fear / perceived threat. So your dp could be struggling with all sorts of things and he may not even realise what they are either. Counselling could help you identify what the root problem is and to sort it out. At the very least it shows a committment and respect for each other that you both want to sort it out.

Be prepared to hear - and say - some difficult things, and if you get a babysitter for your appointments get them to do the whole evening so you can go for a meal (doesn't have to be fancy, chippy would do!) after and have some 'you two' time.

good luck

Notalot,
you seem very upset and i feel bad upsetting you even more but i feel sorry for your ds1.

Can you imagine how he will feel as he grows up? His relationship with his sister? His relationship with you?

You need to have a very good talk with DP and unless he changes i would cancell the wedding.

sorry, not sister. little brother.

I would seriously consider postponing the wedding until he has sorted out his feelings towards ds1.

OP, at the risk of sounding melodramatic, please don't put your partner above your son

I think I better sit down and talk to DP properly about it tonight. Counselling would be good but I think DP would say no to this. I feel sorry for DS1 too. I feel so guilty about his start in life (I was not in a serious relationship with DS1's dad when I got pregnant so DS1 has never lived with his dad) that I'm tying myself in knots trying to ensure he doesn't grow up to be the resentful teenager that it seems he's earmarked to be. I would never ever put either of my dc's below anyone else AF, never and maybe that is what DP's problem is?

I don't fully understand what DP's issues are. It seems mostly to do with disciplining DS1 and him feeling like he's being judged or watched when he does it (mainly by my family who we barely see anyway) but I don't feel like this is enough of a problem to be causing the effect that is having. If he's angry about it all why would he say hurtful things like he's only with me for the sake of the children? Also I'm trying but failing to understand his anger because he knew what he was getting himself into before day one.

"counselling would be good but I think DP would say no to this"

It never ceases to amaze me, how many people would rather see their home, family and relationship go west, than sit in a room and talk honestly with their partner. I suppose that shows how hard it is to be honest, if it's easier to lose your relationship.

Point out to your DH that if he doesn't go to counselling with you, that's probably the alternative. Does his relationship really mean so little to him. Actually, don't answer that, I think the answer is probably yes. I agree with everyone who says that you simply can't marry him at this moment. He's not committed to your child's welfare and therefore he's not committed to you.

Also I'm trying but failing to understand his anger

I fear your wasting your time op, they,ll always be something hes " angry " about. There always is, and it will always be your fault, or if not, someone elses.

Has he apologised? Sounds like hes just come back and blamed the incidant with ds,( hes struggling,ect, typical victim mentality, watch out ) bet it was all about him and how hard it is for him.Did he actually say sorry, or did he ask you how you felt about any of this?

You say your baffled and that this started after ds2.Im probably very negative, but id be inclined to suspect that this is because at that point you became TIED to him and he feels he can get away with it, he can give you shit and when you threaten to go he can accuse you of breaking up the family.

Would expect a very normal evening tonight with no referance to it whatsoever, oh and he,ll probably expect sex too.
And yes, i know im negative

Notalot, I can see why you say it, but he can't have known what he was getting himself into. I have been with my dp for three years since our dd was 2 and still new unexpected issues come up all the time. I love her very much and have never resented her, but it is hard to know how to parent a child when you're not sure what your 'status' is and you feel you're being watched. It can make you oversensitive. It might be even harder for a man.

And you said you're tying yourself in knots with DS1 - maybe you're finding it hard to be consistent with him? and maybe that makes it hard for dp to know how to parent him too? Or maybe you're overcompensating with DS1 because you feel guilty? Sorry I'm absolutely not shifting blame to you or saying you should put up with upsetting behaviour - but I tend to beleive its not usually one or other to 'blame', its a problem caused by the cumulative effect of your two personalities and the issues you're dealing with, and should be seen as a problem you might be able to solve together.

If DP won't go to therapy with you, and I think you should ask him - not demand or give ultimatums bcs there's no point in dragging someone unwillingly - but tell him how much it would mean to you, that you really beleive it would help, and that you're worried you won't feel safe to carry on either if he doesn't. But if he won't, then maybe postpone the wedding but don't split up straight away - get some therapy yourself and see if you can work out what's going in that way.

I say this because I've done this recently with my partner and he's seen the benefit for me and is now investigating doing it himself. In the meantime the therapist has helped me with standing up for myself calmly and making me feel stronger in the relationship. It has been good for all of us.

Don't give up on it lightly, but you don't have to be an emotional punchbag while you're dealing with it either.

dreamylady - thank you for your post. It was very honest about your situation. I know I'm feeling resentful with DP because he's hurt my feelings and this is definitely stopping me from trying to see it from his side. It must be very hard not to know where your status is as a parent and I think this is what DP is trying to communicate, but is doing it very badly by directing his anger/fear towards myself and Ds1. And of course I'm defending DS1 because it's instinctual (sp?)

How did you resolve your status? Did your counselling sort this out?

We're still working on it! but yes therapy (its therapy rather than counselling really i think - kind of interchangeable but therapy is more for long term issues, counselling for one off events - i think!)is definately helping.

My situation may be different bcs dd's first mum died, very sadly. So dd calls me mummy - but others refer to me as stepmum (which i have a problem with but that's another thread!). And as a mum some people expect me rather than him to have the 'last word' in parenting decisions but I wonder whether DP or I think this.. To be fair to DP he has been fantastic, really accepting and happy to trust me to take responsibility. Most of my issues have been in my head i think.

But i do often wonder how another baby, maybe a biological one of my own, would alter the dynamics. Maybe we'd become polarised - him and her in one corner, me and the new one in the other. i really hope not but who can say.

We have other issues we're dealing with now, more to do with our respective childhoods and how we deal with anger. I don't want to make further commitment to him until they are resolved or at least going in the right direction.

ooh resentment, i really know that one - and its a bugger cos it can really come between you and stop you being nice to each other or wanting to be intimate - before you know it you're hardly speaking. So I do believe in trying really hard to dig deep and find love and understanding (cheesy!)when you feel like that - its hard, like being made to say sorry when you're a kid and you don't want to - but it works, sometimes. You could read the road less travelled for a sense of what I mean - it sees love as something you sometimes have to consciously do not just passively feel. It can be really rewarding and have surprising results. But it doesn't mean put up with what's unacceptable to you. The point is not whether his behaviour is reasonable - its whether it works for your family - and if not, why does it happen, and can you help each other change and grow?

this all sounds a bit navel gazey but i'm quite down to earth really! I just believe that deep down most people want to do the right thing, and sometimes they need a bit of help to work out why it keeps going wrong!

By the way i'm not trying to promote that book specifically - it's just that it came to mind when i was thinking about how i try to approach the idea of love as something you do not something you wait to happen to you - the book has some spiritual content which some people see as alienating for those who aren't religious - though I'm an atheist and i didn't find this at all.

OP, please do not allow yourself to be abused in this way. My DSIL has been abused like this throughout her marriage. It IS emotional abuse. He is an adult and his behaviour is totally unacceptable. He has set out to undermine your self esteem and confidence in your relationship and he has succeeded. There is only one way this will go without serious professional intervention.

I am sorry to be harsh but it is incredibly painful to watch my DSIL go through this. Her marriage has become a sham, she stays for the children (and because she doesn't think she deserves better) and the occasional crumbs of affection he throws her way. The children are affected by it although she will not admit it.

Please please take this as a serious warning sign and do not ignore it.

I do hope you can find the strength and RL support to take back control of this situation.