Why is he hiding things & lying to me

[Jade4]

Found out DH had moved out all his bank statements and pension stuff recently in the last two months. What is he hiding and what is he getting ready to do.

questioned him and only on the statements and he said he has gone paperless .....rubbish he never done this int he 7 1/2 years we have been married why now.

Put pressure on him last night to tell me the truth and has admitted he didnt like me finding out he has large sums of money come in to his account last year in april from bonus. The thing is I was looking for our joint account statements that are in the same cupboard as his and I geninely last March 09 picked up the wrong folder and looked through his statements. We should not have secrets in a marriage should we? Did I do so wrong to look through and find the shock he has been lying to me.

He has been not telling me about his bonus and saying we didnt have money to buy my DD a new bed last Spring 09 so I bought it. Then I found out he did has not just a couple of 100's come in but £1000's. Why does he hid his money from us we are meant to be in a marriage a relationship.

He also wanted to buy a 2nd home for an investment and he found somewhere but applied for the mortgage just in his name and not joint but didnt tell me and then I find out from the solicitor when I dropped paperwork off and was upset. He does not value me as his wife and behaves like a single man even though married so I have realised and one other person has said this to me.

hmm, didnt want to leave this unanswered, but it doesnt sound good tbh, Id be worried. Hows your relationship aside from this?

i think you've answered your own question there. He doesn't think of you as a person, and to channel SolidGoldbrass, you are a domestic appliance to him. One does not discuss finances with one's tumble drier, and that's about the level of esteem he holds for you.

I think he is getting ready to move out and is hiding the money in advance.Get a lawyer quick.

agree that it doesn't look good. I'm afraid.

I really don't know what to suggest, exh always was complaining about not having money for basic things, and then affording himself some unexpected luxuries while telling me we were in negative figures. It seems now that he was putting money away in a secret account long time before he agreed to a separation (not that that prevent him from taking half of the reminder of our savings when he left though).

It may be all positive but I wonder if you should have a serious talk on how the finances are organised in your relationships

So yes, you may wait to get a solicitor but ensure you photocopy all docs just in case, particularly P60s and other tax return documents, pensions, etc.

before confronting him again, obtain and photocopy every single financial document in the house.

Thanks for reples. There is so much more money that has come in the last year but he has not told me.

I asked him after New year eve to move in to the spare room as we had a big argument about not this at the time other things and him not wanting to come home at christmas time saying he had to work end of quarter.

You are right coldtits he treats me as a domestic appliance and his little woman in doors. I am her not the girl he feel in love with.

Friend said to me if I did not have the kids he would have left sooner.

I saw a lawyer yesterday and found out I have grounds to divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. Told him that today and he thinks he has done no wrong.....F....king W....ker ...sorry so cross and hurt.

I told him last night you dont trust me and tell me about things going on and money or value me. I shoved on his desk a collerative law document and said you have the choice to be honest and go down this way or fight in the courts for divorce and it will cost you anything from 15 - 20K.

He did not at any point when I said this to him that you have got us in to this situation in our relationship with your secrets of hiding money, behaving single minded and not letting me know things and then I find out about things how do you think that makes me feel....shoe on the other foot.

He did start looking at places to rent last night and I have told him he can go to the house he has bought to live even though in Wales as empty and not rented out for another 3 months. Waiting on what is going to happen and when and whether he will be honest and not hide anything and go for collearative law divorce.

How can I trust him ever again when he does not value me as his wife or tell me things.

He does not know I know he has moved all his pension folders from the house and will not let on the solicitor told me.

already copied all his docs that how i found out he had moved all his statements and pension files. I was advised by a friend to copy stuff 2 months ago but couldnt face doing it as felt I was doing things behind his back and I did saw 2 different pension files but no longer there.

He thinks he is being clever.

I have moved all my stuff out too as he was abroad last week. He might have copied my stuff already if so........so be it but I have always been honest about the money I have in our realtionship he has not.

IME Collaborative law may work well if you are dealing with an honest person who is interested in getting a fair deal for both of you.

If he is showing clear signs to be an scundrel, don't be afraid to get the court involved. I gave exh plenty of opportunities to come clean, he never did, so we have ended in court anyway.

Someway I am convinced that if we had gone straight for court I would have saved thosands of pounds in solicitors and the divorce process would have been shorter, and perhaps the resentment less too. He obviously used the "friendly" time to siphon even more money away.

thanks for replying so late at night to me
mongolia. did your divorce take a long time and a battle and is it over yet ...if you dont mind me asking?

that exactly it I have told him if he cant be honest we cant go down that road and exactly what you said.

I dont want to spend ages on this as well and one other mum I know said she just wished she had let her solictior fight her battles and get her divorced without being the nice person.

I find it so frustrating that he wont talk about anything to me even with all this. I am going to give him some space for a couple of days and then I want to know within a week what is going on.

He is leaving me no option now with his deceit and dishonesty to go straight for divorce. I was thinking before of separation I said in the new year to see how we got on before i found out he was lying to me about cancelling his bank statements coming here and moving the ones out and his pension folders. He is trying to protect his own interest.

He does not known I am not stupid and I did tell him yesterday dont try and pull the wool over my eyes.....

off to bed now as finding this process tiring.

First off I'm so sorry you are having to g through this.

However from what you have described it does indeed sound like he is moving all his finacces to be prepared for a split.

He has hidden the money from you in preparation for something like a split.

From reading your post you are doing the right things and you are a very strong woman. You will will make the right decision.

I wish you all the best and what ever is said you are fantastic/

Best regards

I'm not usually the first person to post this but I would suggest that there is also the possiblity that this man has a new partner lined up. Or, if not an actual person, he is planning to go and look for new partners - he is almost certainly planning to leave you. Looks like you have spotted it in time, consult a good solicitor and best of luck to you.

Do you work? Are you a SAHM? What do YOU think he is doing? Do you think he could just be saving for the future?
Its unfortunately very strange that he wants to buy this 2nd house just in his name.

Don't let him know how much you know from now on.

Jade, my love, I am so sorry but he's got someone else, he is planning to leave you and is trying to shaft you. There is no other explanation, no matter what bollocks he comes out with. I hate this, but from now on he is the enemy

You're married, everything you own is 50/50 more or less. Since there seems to be quite a lot of money at stake - and most of it hidden - you need a full-on divorce lawyer and a forensic accountant. Don't bother playing emotional games with him, that will only weaken you & give him more angles to trick you with.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

That smiley was supposed to be a obviously! One of these for him, too

Don't do the collaborative law divorce. It's not meant for someone who is hiding money from their wife. You need a pitbull of a lawyer. Great job so far. Agree with other advice don't let him know from now on how much you know no more confrontation.

Let him think you are stupid, it does really pays off. Get a good solicitor and leave it on her hands, no mercy.

Pretend you know nothing about the woman, the truth is, that painful as it is you can do nothing about her...

... but one thing:

If he starts cohabitating with her... her assets count as his (from salary to properties) so... think it as a little karma gift, you may get a bit more than what you are expecting.

Getting the court involved is a lenghty process but a contentious divorce with no deadlines (as set up by court) can extend for years.

However, get the best solicitor you can pay for, but try to get one that is a member of Resolution First", there are somesolicitors out there that like to stir things up in order to make more money. A Resolution First one will try to avoid you being caught on that at all costs>

Hmm. I'm sorry, I think I'm getting the threads confused, apologies, it was someone in another thread who was dealing with an unfaithful husband. I'm sorry.

All the other advice applies, though.

Jade 4 - I have had a bad attitude from my H the entire 10 year marriage. One of his favourite sayings to me is - It is none of your business. This was his attitude from the start. It got to the point where he would even refuse to tell me where he was going to work every day (he used to do IT consulting and worked at 2 companies) and would tell me that it had absolutely nothing to do with me. In the last six months he has finally separated his finances from me. And yes, he has always just thought of me as a domestic appliance he has at home also, and that anything to do with him is none of a mere appliance's business.

Make him go through the courts. Then if he lies, he'll be in contempt (and there are penalties for this).

perjury... but to be honest, don't keep your hopes high on that, some people, like my ex, can lie under oath, and as he sees nothing bad about it, he doesn't even flinch.

Then it is down to us to prove the lie, fortunately, he left a rather bright trail (again, one of the advantages of him thinking I'm stupid)

thanks for replies just manage to get back on line now as DD has operation yesterday. When we were sat waiting for her to come back from his op he said nothing to me and even today while he is working from home.

Monty27 - you are right dont let on to him legally what choices he has let him pay for a solicitor to tell him.

I said to him today this is the last time he hurts me and him hiding things and secrets I don't trust him. Told him this isnt a marriage or relationship.

I have told him to find a solicitor. He has asked him I can be amicable I said yes but can he ....and go for collerative law divorce. I need decide whether I am wasting my time.

I know he doesn't want to pay £15 - 20K for a divorce through the courts .....so he needs to be honest......dont you ladies think?

Mongolia ....thanks for that tip will check whether solicitor is resolution first registered.

mathanxiety - thanks for the tip stop wasting time on confrontation I needed to hear that as it is just not worth it.

Today I am feel cross........and told him today he has burnt his bridges with me.

It is also not worht prolonging things on a separation is it as does not help me or the kids financially - as he could go on to lead this new life or disappear which is what happened to my sister.

It is not the first time someone has said maybe he has someone else but I have had thoughts about this last year after he locked his mobile phone and put a password on it.........i bet you are reading this and thinking........hello wake up.

My gut feeling was things were maybe going on but thought I was being a insecure wife and push it aside but it would not surprise me now if he has met someone else.

When I met him back in 2002 he did not tell his x about us and us getting married until one month before the wedding and I felt insecure and under valued. He either couldnt handle dealing with telling her or just didnt want to deal with it....which is want blokes do I understand or am I being too giving and kind back then.

That is the past now and time for me to move on with my life and I know I cant live in this life anymore with a man who behaves like this. Time for me and my first priority is the kids and me and letting him still see his kids but not to take advantage of me anymore..........

autmunlight.............you need to realise he is also trying to cover himself and now separating his finances he is a big sign. Why has he done this?

You have known from the beginning he has said it is none of your business where he is but I don't like that what respect has he got for you.