Why is he hiding things & lying to me

[Jade4]

Found out DH had moved out all his bank statements and pension stuff recently in the last two months. What is he hiding and what is he getting ready to do.

questioned him and only on the statements and he said he has gone paperless .....rubbish he never done this int he 7 1/2 years we have been married why now.

Put pressure on him last night to tell me the truth and has admitted he didnt like me finding out he has large sums of money come in to his account last year in april from bonus. The thing is I was looking for our joint account statements that are in the same cupboard as his and I geninely last March 09 picked up the wrong folder and looked through his statements. We should not have secrets in a marriage should we? Did I do so wrong to look through and find the shock he has been lying to me.

He has been not telling me about his bonus and saying we didnt have money to buy my DD a new bed last Spring 09 so I bought it. Then I found out he did has not just a couple of 100's come in but £1000's. Why does he hid his money from us we are meant to be in a marriage a relationship.

He also wanted to buy a 2nd home for an investment and he found somewhere but applied for the mortgage just in his name and not joint but didnt tell me and then I find out from the solicitor when I dropped paperwork off and was upset. He does not value me as his wife and behaves like a single man even though married so I have realised and one other person has said this to me.

Jade, I wouldn't worry about ensuring he has decent child access. If he wants it, he'll ask. But don't be surprised if he forgets about them, after he's used them as a bargaining in your divorce.

I am very sorry to be so negative, Jade. Tbh, not many departing husbands are as devious as this. But when they are, like yours, you really need to detach yourself emotionally. The faster and more completely you can do this, the less opportunity he'll have to keeping finding new ways to humiliate & rob you. Because he will try! He only cares about himself, and in a shallow way at that.

No, a collaborative divorce is not right for you. Collaborative means "working together". He's not working with you. The fact that he didn't work with his ex, either, tells you plenty about him. He's been working against you since he locked his phone, if not from before even then

A forensic accountant is a financial detective. Divorce lawyers have their contact info.

Get moving, girl, your future starts today! This is about protecting your little girl as well as your own pride & independence.

*sorry for typos

Jade4 - because he wants a divorce and he has never really wanted to be married to me. Said it was a mistake from the start, didn't love me etc etc. History of abuse and control in my marriage. I did, however, used to manage all the finances - just because this suited him and he never wanted to think about anything outside of work. Very naive when I met him and I had never come across a man so completely selfish and self-absorbed with only ever one person on his agenda - himself.

Definitely work through the courts then. A man like you describe will think rules of common decency are for losers, so you will need the threat of being held in contempt hanging over him to make him be honest about the money. Money is what divorce cases are about, plus arranging child custody and visitation. Money is where the courts are most useful to someone dealing with a man like yours. The emotional end of things you have to manage yourself.

oh autumn honey.........hang in there. I feel for you

horrible man saying it was a mistake marrying you......i just want to put him in his place and tell him he is lucky anyone married him with the way he behaves.

Seems we have one thing in common a person who is selfish and self absorbed and only interested in himself.

mathanxiety.....you are right had not thought of contempt of court I knew the judge could bang him into jail for the night I believe that will scare him.

I just want enough out of this for me and the kids to move home as dont want to carry on living in this house and too expensive utility bills etc.

He has spoken to a solicitor this afternoon and he wants to go with collerative law but I have said dont muck around otherwise we will go to court. He doesnt say this but I know he does not want to pay £15 - 20K through courts for a divorce.

Will keep you all posted.

itsgrace again....thanks for your honesty and being straight with me. I have tried to keep my emotions together but today had anger towards him. emotionally i have to be strong for my 2 little kids.

i just cant believe he has been so shallow withe me and still in shock a little with how he has behaved and started hiding things.

He is a waste of space

Oh, Jade ... of course he wants to go collaborative, that means he can get away with giving you the minimum for the kids (about 20% of salary) and not have any hard questions to answer about the money.

He would not be banged up for contempt of court. In any case, you don't usually have to go to court with a collaborative divorce.

There is a crime of perjury, which is telling lies to the court. This could only happen if the divorce was being tried in a full hearing, which is unlikely.

Please understand that "right" will not automatically be on your side, Jade. You need to GET it on your side - and for that, you need a divorce lawyer. This is because the lawyer can get the system working properly for you.

I know this is the last thing you want to think about now! As well as this crap going on with your marriage, you have a poorly kid to think of. I feel for you

But, please, try and find enough steel inside you to fight for your rights. Have you got any friends or relations in the legal profession, who might be able to help you out?

Just seen your last Angry is GOOD! Get that working for you .... xx

itsgraceagain - thank you are a sweetie.

He has taken legal advice on the phone and now it is a waiting g. ame to see what he does.

Today I sent him a text to ask him why didnt he last year tell me he was unhappy me finding out about this money he had. Was it then he decided to not trust me. Why did he hide things from me.

He replied and said he would tell me later. Still waiting tonight for answers. Sat in same room as room waiting for him to tell me while watching tv for over an hour and nothing not a word. It just shows me that he is guilty.

Yes, it all adds up doesnt it him getting ready for the spilt.

When he bought this house in Wales and I thought this was a joint purchase. he applied for the mortgage in just his name but didnt tell me that the solicitor pa did, and registering with the holiday let company to let the house he put in this name.

I said to him if it was joint why did he do the above. Why is he hiding money ...which I know now from your ladies that he was preparing himself for a spilt or up to more than I will ever find out.

How can I carry on a marriage with someone who is not honest and keeps secrets from me or he thinks it is not secrets in his eyes.....is he having a laugh.

Would you others be cross knowing he had done this...........????

CROSS????!!!!

I'm spitting flames, and I don't even know him!

It doesn't matter Jade, even if all the properties were in his sole name, just because you are married, they also belong to you.

She's right, Jade. You know what, I didn't know that when I was married! Mad, isn't it?

(sorry, keep thinking of extra bits to say)

This is why I said you'd need a forensic accountant. I should have thought to tell you, the reason I know this is because I didn't find out about this stuff until after I was divorced. My ex got me involved in a stupidly complicated financial agreement - which, as I later found out, allowed him to waltz away with all of his assets while I got nothing. He realised that I didn't know all our stuff was owned jointly because we were married! So, of course, he took advantage

House in Spain, house in Wales, pensions, savings, shares & stock options, secret bank accounts, expensive cars, works of art, wine collections ... anything and everything is owned BY YOU BOTH whether he thinks so or not

If I were you, I wouldn't tell him you know this. I'd just get yourself a good, aggressive, divorce specialist - and tell her you know he's hidden assets from you. Don't worry too much about the fees, it sounds there's enough in the coffers to pay them ... even if you don't know (yet) where those coffers are!

Ring round some law firms in the centre of your town, if you haven't got any recommendations from friends/family who've recently had a nasty divorce. Ask them if they have a divorce specialist, and can they find you a forensic accountant

Your DCs deserve the life they should have been having all this time, anyway.

thanks grace.

I am not letting on to him I am waiting for his next move.

I know he is seeing his solicitor this thursday and looking at rented properties.

Where do you get a forensic accountant is that from any accountant practice?

Got myself a divorce lawyer and she is resolution first thing you mentioned - thanks for that. She does all divorcea and collearative law.

We are waiting on his next move. Hate this waiting game.

Really been soul searching the last few days whether I could ever forgive and trust him again after all of this. So hard when you have young children and every one keeps telling me it will be hard with the young children. I cant only see it cant be any harder than it has been so far......can it really?

The thing is he didnt communicate to me, tell me what was going on with everything then i find out, and wonders why I am no longer interested to get in to bed with him and snog him when he treats me a like ......dog not his wife.

Arggghhh I got so cross yesterday as he was trying to cuddle me and I was not interested and I punched him on the chin and he was so shocked by it. Told him to get off me....

I have told him when he goes to live in a flat on his own and sit there wondering what went wrong he should have a long think about his part in why this relationship when wrong with his behaviour.

Biggish respectable accountant firms may have forensic accountants. But if your finances are not really very complex you really don't need to pay such an expert for such level of expertise.

The costs vary but it could be certainly in the thousands of pounds rather than in the 100s.

Before we move on with all this. How is the marriage apart of his starting to hide assetts? is there any possibility that the marriage could be salvaged if he agrees to more transparency on the finances side?

It is difficult to be a lone parent, so I guess it is about putting the things in a balance and consider your options, whether to leave now or try to work out a solution. If he is a good husband in other aspects, and this is the first time he does something like this... would it be possible to reconsider your decission?

A friend of mine had a similar problem, now she is in charge of the finances and they are ok.

I'm no expert but my first reaction stands. I'm sorry to say that I too think he has been hiding his finances and buying property in preparation to leave.

One other thing occurred to me - does the big bonus, over a period of months, sound feasible to you Jade? Does he have the sort of occupation and level of annual salary to account for this?

It sounds a bit odd to me. The man in my life gets a large annual bonus but that's only a single payment at the end of the year and is as a result of his position in the (large, successful) company, a percentage of his quite high salary and owing to the fact that he has been with the same organisation for 28 years.

Could your Dh's large monthly payment come from another source?

Smart thought, Valhalla. Mongolia, I'm sure you mean well but every single thing Jade has told us points to a massively dishonest husband, carrying out a deliberate plan to leave her with nothing while he disappears with his cash, houses, pensions and so on.

Jade,hereis a page from the website of the Network of Independent Forensic Accountants (UK). It would be a good idea to discuss this stuff with your solicitor.

This is from direct.gov.uk:
"You may need legal advice about financial issues, even if you agree on how to divide up your property and finances. The process of sorting out the financial aspect of the divorce is known as 'ancillary relief'. It is not the case that property is automatically divided in a 50/50 split. If you do go to court the judge will consider a number of factors when deciding who should get what, but the needs of any children will always be the main consideration."

This is a good site with lots of information about divorce: wikivorce The government website recommends it.

Horrible for you to be living through this Best of luck!

Yes Grace, it points to a dishonest husband but it doesn't say absolutely anything about any other problems. I have a massively dishonest ex husband who has tried to take advantage of me on many ways I wouldn't want to describe here. BUT apart of his dishonesty, there were a multitude of other problems that eroded the marriage, and I don't see that in Jade4 posts.

There are things that are fixable (like Jade taking responsibility for the finances) and other things that are not. I think Jade should also have some space to consider her options before taking the life changing decision to divorce, or considering legal and accountant expenses that may not be needed at the moment, not all cases require a forensic accountant, in many a simple P60 and tax return will suffice.

I mean well, and don't want to fire up the situation even more adding more of my own personal traumas, just to respect Jade's space to decide what she wants. At the end of the day, the only thing I'm sure about Jade's husband is that he is not the same man I married, and therefore I shouldn't judge him or treat the situation as if it was a replica of my own.

Well done OP, you should be really proud of yourself. Sounds as if you've stopped your soon-to-be-ex from completely shafting you.