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Original poster

Husband moves out of bedroom

32 replies

memorylane · 20/01/2010 09:10

because I have the window open - not too much. He says its nor fair, he's cold so has gone to the spare room and is staying them for the time being. I think this is really hurtful and I have questioned him about it. Is there someone else, something you are not telling me. He says not. I don't know what to do, I think it is creating a distance between us, we hardly ever and mean hardly ever have sex. I have the window open because I am suffering night sweats (menopausal), he says its an excuse.

OP posts:
Original poster
memorylane · 20/01/2010 09:27

Do you think I need to worry or am I anxious for no reason

OP posts:
reddaisy · 20/01/2010 11:01

Could you compromise on the temperature of your bedroom? Eg could you get a fan for your side of the bed? Could he sleep in more layers? Could he have a duvet over him while you just have a sheet? So that you didn't have to have the window open?

I think you need to talk to him about finding a compromise that works for you both. And could you have some kind of regular date night to inject some passion/sex back into your relationship? Good luck xx

Anniegetyourgun · 20/01/2010 11:07

Nobody's answering... don't want you to feel alone... don't really know what to say though. Just one thing occurs to me, but it's a bit brutal. You're implying he might have moved out because of somebody else. Given the state of the marriage as you've briefly described it here, would it really matter all that much if that was the case? What are you really getting from being together? Is everything great between you apart from the bedroom situation?

poshwellies · 20/01/2010 11:22

Jeez,I'm sorry but you need to chill out-both I and dh have had strops in the middle of night (me hogging duvet,him snoring/talking,me reading) and both of us at sometime have left the bed in a mood and snarling and slept on the sofa.

You need to talk about the lack of affection and communication and not the open window (which actually would piss me off ,if I was cold).Perhaps some couple counselling would benefit you both.

indiewithacold · 20/01/2010 11:39

It sounds like there's more to it than just an open window. You need to talk to him and find out what's going on.

Anniegetyourgun · 20/01/2010 11:41

Reddaisy, I hope you realised that was a cross post, didn't mean to call you nobody!

Pikelit · 20/01/2010 15:08

I can see where your husband is coming from. I wouldn't want my bedroom window open right now because it's too cold. However, I also know all about those menopausal hot sweats and when I was still going through that stage, I desperately needed cool air. It's certainly no excuse for anything and your husband sounds very unsympathetic in this respect.

In my case, sometimes I'd wander off into the spare room so that me and dp would get a decent night's sleep and doing this didn't cause any domestic grief. The spare room having a window right by the bed which was glorious! But I never assumed this was a permanent arrangement, just "as needed".

I don't know how far into the menopause you are but the hot flushes last for years so is your husband planning a long stay in your spare room? Or is this an excuse to stop sharing a bed with you? It sounds much more like the latter, I'm afraid.

Original poster
memorylane · 20/01/2010 16:58

I did suggest extra blanket on his side but he then said he would get too hot! He has never wanted the window open and it has always been a bone of contention but it is only open a tiny bit and the room is huge anyway. He is very selfish. I feel so sad, our marriage is not great, no affection really and this is really hurting me.

OP posts:
jeminthecellar · 20/01/2010 17:00

Agree youse both need to talk about it- sounds like he is being stubborn and looking for an excuse...or is that what you are worried about?
How is general communication between you- if lack of sex is a prob have you been able to talk about it?

jeminthecellar · 20/01/2010 17:02

Sounds a bit like my marriage memorylane- we are now seperating. Basic lack of communication was a massive prob- he would never want to talk about stuff, showed little affection, etc.

Original poster
memorylane · 20/01/2010 17:40

We get along mostly with day to day stuff but he is emotionally distanced from me and sex only crops up a couple of times a year. Says he is not interested. FWIW I do get a kiss before i go to bed, before he leaves for work and again when he returns. Still I feel lonely.

OP posts:
TrippleBerryFairy · 20/01/2010 17:44

If that was purely because of his cold then I'd say UABU. But it seems though that there's more to this - maybe he feels rejected in general and the open window is just an excuse for him to vent his frustration by moving out of the bedroom?

He is selfish - the small opening would not be a problem if everything was ok between the two of you. Agree with jeminthecellar on that you should talk to him about what's really going on (lack of affection etc).

Original poster
memorylane · 20/01/2010 17:48

Yes thats a good point, if we were happy together then a small window opening shouldn't be a problem should it. Though I would buy him thermal pjs but probably would be a waste of money, he just doesn't understand anything about women and their hormones, doesn't want to either, selfish pig

OP posts:
diddl · 20/01/2010 19:12

How is his not wanting the window open any more selfish than you wanting it open?

It sounds as if you are both wanting an excuse tbh.

Original poster
memorylane · 20/01/2010 21:51

diddl, I can see your point but I can assure you, I am NOT being selfish, I am suffering badly with menopausal night sweats and lay there most of the night with no duvet and still NEED the window open a BIT. I would love to snuggle into my duvet and feel warm and cosy

OP posts:
reddaisy · 20/01/2010 22:26

Why don't you agree to keep the window closed and you sleep with a sheet and if you get too hot, go into the spare room that way you would control the sleeping arrangements?

You say he is selfish, is he selfish in general or do you mean specifically in relation to this issue?

You definitely need to sit down and do some talking if you feel so blue.

And AnnieGetYourGun, that's ok I cried for a while at first but I'm over it now

reddaisy · 20/01/2010 22:28

Why don't you agree to keep the window closed and you sleep with a sheet and if you get too hot, go into the spare room that way you would control the sleeping arrangements?

You say he is selfish, is he selfish in general or do you mean specifically in relation to this issue?

You definitely need to sit down and do some talking if you feel so blue.

And AnnieGetYourGun, that's ok I cried for a while at first but I'm over it now

Anniegetyourgun · 20/01/2010 23:02
Smile
diddl · 21/01/2010 08:21

I´m also menopausal but couldn´t have the window open in these temperatures!

Also,when I have a "flush", I have to throw the covers off & then when have cooled down, need them on again.

I might be wrong, but to feel hot all night is unusual?

Have you tried giving up coffee?

Original poster
memorylane · 21/01/2010 08:57

Sorry, I didn't mean I have the covers off ALL night, they are on and off. No diddl, I haven't stopped drinking coffee, do you think that would help? Last night I actually managed to sleep most of the night and wasn't too hot hardly at all. Norally I wake every 2 hours and the covers are on and off throughout the night. Given we have a 6ft bed when I do puch the duvet off me it really doesnt even affect him

OP posts:
diddl · 21/01/2010 13:09

It does seem to have helped me.

Just lately I would say I´m waking twice a night.

Often I get a flush as soon as I get into bed, and then about 1am & 3am.

Although last night I slept from 1-6.30!

Have often woken lots in the night even before menopause so those 5 and a half hours are the most sleep I´ve had tgether in years!

Original poster
memorylane · 23/01/2010 23:00

We had a big fight today, petty stuff but it turned nasty. I wanted an end to all our bickering etc so I told hime I was not issuing an ultimatium but if he didnt come back to the bedroom by the end of the weekwnd then maybe we should call it a day. He told me he was not coming back to the bedroom and he agrees . I cant stop crying. Cant talk to him because he will do as he always has done before and tell me it is all my fault. We have been together 23yrs. I feel sick.

OP posts:
lilac21 · 23/01/2010 23:06

Oh dear, memorylane, sorry to hear that things have turned out so badly. No advice for you, but couldn't ignore your message.

Original poster
memorylane · 23/01/2010 23:14

thankyou. Its so hard being here trying not to cry in front of Dc although they are in bed now but I have to get through tomorrow and then what??

OP posts:
BecauseImWorthIt · 23/01/2010 23:20

I was suffering from bad nighttime hot flushes, and my sleep was suffering really badly. (Although thankfully my DH was a lot more understanding than yours).

Because I want to lose some weight, I have just started a low carb diet, and also given up alcohol. The hot flushes just stopped. Immediately.

So if they're really that bad, and it's affecting your relationship, why not try this? Honestly, it has been astonishing.