A question for TartyHighHeels...

[CoffeeCakeAndKink]

Have name changed.

Tartyhighheels - I saw a post you made on a previous thread about cross dressing, talking about the BDSM community and so on. I have a couple of questions about it, if you are about? Genuine advice needed. Will post Qs if you post back on here - don't want to post life story if you're not about to give me your views...

Brilliant.

What a fun project - better than grouting or doing laundry.

PS: Of course I fancy women! I am a woman and I like women, unsurprisingly since I am one. There's a sensual-seeming woman everywhere you look: in the flesh, on posters, on the telly, magazine covers, etc etc. We're all conditioned to find women sexy. I have had a few 'experiences' with other women, just to see.. I'd describe those experiences as "interesting" and "nice". Neither of which are words I'd apply to great sex. So at least I found out (for me) - and I had fun doing it!

If you feel like getting close & personal with another woman, there's nothing to stop you. Hell, even straight women snog sometimes!

Here I will offer advice though: If ever you do, make sure it's out of some feeling on your own part. Not to play out somebody else's fantasy - whether that other person is a film-maker, your partner or a so-called friend, nobody has the right to dictate what to do with your own body or your own feelings.

[Grace bows out, with thanks for the listening]

AF - I would do things that don't turn me on for my DH because it makes him happy. I do hundreds of things for him to make him happy and vice versa! Some things are less enjoyable but it's about give and take, no?

I did talk about much more than a good spanking, but he's not expecting me go that far now...to go to the orgies or even to do anything other than dance and watch the world go by at somewhere like TG -- he just wants some of it back - a bit of a bondage here, a bit of spanking there, maybe have me dress up a bit more often... this is what I want to see if I can compromise on. So far, I have been too tired to even contemplate it, and the idea of fetish stuff just isn't doing it for me right now (but does that mean it's gone forever?) But we are a very solid couple - we love our little baby to bits and are very excited about number coming along... we have our whole lives to live together and sex is just one part of that - I just want to make sure we are both happy in that part of our life together and so want to work through these things before they become huge issues that really do start to take their toll.

Anyway, must head off to bed. Thanks all, it's been good.

Good night < staggers off on wobbly legs >

Tarty will pick this up tomorrow, I'm sure.

Hm, interesting thread for me....not sure I quite fit the role of being as avant garde!!! (not the correct word i know, but couldnt think of another) but definately since having DD not only have I gone vanilla...Im positively victorian in my attitudes. Cant go down on him as he doesnt shake properly and have trust issues with him. Nothing other than the varied positions that we've all done before.

Still climax every time, most nights of the week when we are together (he works shifts and has been on lates for 2 weeks...but days off, you know) but has been begging for back door and I cant bring myself to. Its like how OP described it and DP has lost the fun, wild woman he met and has a timid, victorian prude...part of me feels that this is how I want to be, part of me feels like its our relationship..he begs, i say no...we have sex and go to sleep.

bollox, any advice on that? or am i just a twat?

sorry, king, I have shot my load of advice on this thread for one evening

you might get some late nighters picking it up...if not, will deffo get bumped tomorrow

ta af - nighty nite...sweet dreams!!!!!!!!!

I am content with sex 2 or 3 times a week (maybe back up to 4 or 5 when the DC are both sleeping through!) and I like the odd bit of sexy lingerie and ass play and doggy and slight asphyxiation (sp?)

I am also not into BDSM or the sort of scenes you are all talking about. However - i think what you have described here is quite a good deal for any man! You are up for sex 4-5 times a week, you are open minded about what you get up to to a point, you are willing to introduce others etc - what do you think your DH expects, because he may be being unrealistic by any standards. Just because you used to be into a certain type of sex doesn't make you more sexual than others, so to expect yourself to still be up for weekend/allnight/dressing up/group sex on a weekly basis is just a bit much.

I have enjoyed things sexually for a while that I have later stopped being into - I think it's quite normal.

Being brutally honest - your DH may have lost that kinky wife he married - but you were living a pre-DC, pre-domesticity lifestyle that is unsustainable unless you live apart forever and that's not what you wanted. Your DH now has a real life wife with two children who is still into somewhat kinky sex and still up for it 4-5 times a week! Do you think couples counselling would be helpful to air these feelings? I know you are trying to take care of his feelings but if you feel pressurised to 'be' someone you used to be and are no longer, for him, you will start feeling resentful and nothing kills the horn like resentment.

{thinks he should count his lucky stars emoticon}

coffee I empathise with you a lot.

The problem is if I explain why I will end up spilling my life story.

I would suggest you talk to your DH. Tell him you feel and see if you can reach a mutual compromise.

DH and I were where you were when we met (though my self-loathing won't allow me to show my body in TG, but I do know of it) with some of the activities we have tried.

I had my DCs prior to meeting DH so I can't blame on any change on them but now we don't do anything remotely kinky together.

I go to bed... DH stays up on the internet and we are lucky if we do it once a week.

It makes me very angry if I am honest.

Don't let it make you angry, or let him get to that stage.

Talk.

Kat2907 -- right now we are at twice a week vanilla (does doggy and gentle ass play count as vanilla?) and this is not enough for DH.

4-5 times a weeks is a long way off yet I think (DC2 not even born yet, let alone sleeping through...!) And not introducing others for a while yet too.

So in theory I sound more up for it than the average person, but in reality I am not back to these levels yet, and although I think I will be one day, I just don't think it will be to the level that he so enjoys. Which is the problem. But yes, I do think he should, to an extent, accept that life moves on and we're not the same partnership we used to be (stronger for so many reasons, but less sexually active because of the same reason!), but when I try and talk about this, he does tend to get a bit upset and say "but you don't do anything any more... it's like from black to white"... and he's got a point...

Big - we do talk about this - probably once every couple of months, maybe a bit longer. It builds up as each time I try and explain how I'm feeling, he explains how he's feeling, and then I promise to up my game, so-to-speak, as I accept that it's all on my terms at the moment, which isn't fair, and then when it comes to the crunch I am always too tired / not that horny / not feeling the inspiration to get the rope out... and so we carry on as normal, our twice a week routine with varied positions and a lot of love and sensuality, but nothing kinky. So he gets frustrated and so the cyle starts again and I start to try and think about how to get me more into the stuff that turns him on and on it goes... I guess what I'm saying is that we DO talk about it, but we've reached a stalemate, so I'm coming on here looking for advice of how to go about breaking that cycle. I think Lauriefairycake may have hit upon something, and am going to start exploring other things to see if I can start to flick some switches (although being preggers doesn't help at the mo'!)

CCK I honestly think the biggest part of it for the moment is that you are knackered. You have a baby and another one on the way.
You can't predict how you will feel once you have two DC sleeping through the night, for instance.
But LFC's advice was excellent, it is worth considering what else might get you (both) going - there may be things your H hasn't explored yet but would like to, which would work for you as well.
AF: I thought your post was sympathetic and well-intentioned but maybe a teeny bit falling into the camp of thinking that no woman really likes unusual sex and we only do it to please our men - which is simply untrue (for one thing there are plenty of blokes who are introduced to kink by female partners and are more of the 'happy to go along with it' than 'mad keen' type).

Still twice a week now you're pregnant? Impressive

I have to say (without wishing to be unfair to your DH) you sound quite sad. My instinct is to say that he should get over it - I just don't get how certain sexual activities can be that important, especially if you are having good sex regularly, that he can't live without but then maybe my sexuality isn't such a huge part of me.

FWIW I wouldn't say bumsex was vanilla.

Thanks SGB - I've valued your support on here. What kind of literature do you write?

Kat - I am a bit sad, as I am sad he is sad. He doesn't go around with a face like a wet weekend all day - for the most part we are the happiest couple in the world! Why wouldn't we be? We're young, healthy, have an amazing kid and another one on the way. We're both successful in our jobs and have a great group of friends... we really are very lucky and we're both happy with that. It's just this one sticking point... and I don't want a sticking point to turn into a huge great big wedge - that's what I'm sad about, that I can see problems in the future if I don't try and address them now...

...and you're right, there is a divide (between women and men generally, about how important sex is to a relationship, and with my DH, even more so! It's part of who is he is, why I fancy him, why I fell in love with him and why I married him - I was a very sexual person too and we clicked... now that it's fallen by the wayside a bit for me, I think it's hard to just say "well, sex isn't that important now, is it? Just get over it".... that's not what I said at the beginning so why should he accept it now?

Right, off out for the day, back later. Thanks again for all the advice - it's really helping..

I'd say he needs to sit back and wait , enjoy the sex you are having, and if the (quite extreme) kinkiness doesn't return, you both need to find a way of dealing with it.
It most probably will come back in some shape or form, but I woud say that if you are expecting him to accept a toned down sex life, you should also be prepared to give up women, assuming that sex with women is mainly for your benefit. Otherwise, he will see you "still having your cake", as it were, while he's given it all up.

I do see it as a bit of a problem if a person isn't happy/satisfied with just normal, no frills sex - all the other stuff is just sprinkles, real sex is about just the two of you and the intimate bond that creates.

It seems like you are craving the intimacy of sex, whereas he's after the adrenaline rush.
I would think that kinky sex would become as boring as missionary every Friday night tbh.

Kingbeat, why is he "begging" you for anal sex?

If you've told him you no longer enjoy it, why would he want you to do something you really don't want to? How could he enjoy it knowing you are not? He has other orificies to choose from, it's not like you don't want sex at all.

I may be being a bit thick here, but what do you mean by - you can't go down on him 'cos he doesn't "shake" properly? Is he not very clean? There's a lot to be said for a kinky "bed bath" with a warm flannel, you could play nursie . Or, tell him straight, he has a good wash downstairs before coming to bed / expecting any action.

SGB re. your last paragraph, I get what you are saying and I am not really in the camp of kinky sex is all abuse of women, and thanks for the acknowledgment I was well-intentioned.

It still sits a bit uncomfortably with me though, that opening yourself up to this kinda thing, means you have to constantly "up the ante", as it were, where does it end ?

and that because you have indulged before, when you no longer want to, the bloke might feel entitled to get his kinks elsewere (which is what you said)

lol@ mal ...glad to see you got the warm flannel business in there...well done

I think I read the involving women thing a bit wrong, certainly differently to mal.

Although the OP (sorry to talk about you...I know you are not around at the moment) says she is into women...it seemed in her post she was looking around for something (anything ??)to keep her man interested and came up with introducing women into their sex life again. Kinda OK so far...

But then she said something a bit concerning...that she "wasn't sure she could still pull the same caliber of girls than she could with her pre-baby body....". That smacks again of something she is doing for him...and that she is worried that if she couldn't pull the fit birds, her DH would not be satisfied.

Correct me if I am wrong there.

Can I also point out that it appears that the OP is taking on all the emotional responsibility for this problem (might not be so) and is the one that has to fix it - ie get back to what her OH wants.

No easy solutions here it seems.

Mal -- re the women thing, DH is as into it as me, in terms of watching and being involved (to a certain extent - I'm happy for kissing and slight fondling from DH with another girl, just not full on sex, IYSWIM) and he gets VERY turned on watching me with other women, so it's not a case of me having my cake and eating it - he gets some of that cake, and I know he would jump at the chance for me to start involving girls in our sex life again... it pleases both of us, not just me.

re the the not being able to pull girls of the same standard as before... this was more of a throw-away comment. I actually think I could probably get as attractive ladies again (there's more to sexiness than looks), and TBH, DH would be turned on if I was turned on... he wouldn't look at her and think "nah - she's not really doing it for me, DW needs to improve her standards"...

Linden -- we are trying to solve this together. At the moment, he has taken on the responsibility to just accept what I want - for 2 years now (that's probably the last time we went to TG or I tied him up / vice versa)... he has done everything I wanted and I haven't reciprocated what he's wanted. He is mostly patient and accepting of this state of affairs, but sometimes it gets him down, because he misses the old sex life and the old DW that used to swing from the chandeliers.. it doesn't mean he loves me any less or thinks any less of me, he just wants to know if there will ever be a return to that kind of sex, and if I'm willing to make any small steps to getting there. I think I should (for reasons stated earlier) and because I want to make him happy. He is making me happy by doing what I want now and have been doing for a long time now, surely it's time I started to think a bit about what he wants?

Feel like I am going around in circles here. There are no easy solutions, but I think I have had some ideas from this thread and from just thinking about it these last of couple of days, about ways to improve things.

Back in a bit.

coffee, I know you never needed to convince anyone of anything

...but the more you talk, the more I think you will (both) be OK

I said I wouldn't contribute again, unless specifically addressed...I obviously don't keep to my word

good luck with everything x

That's really sweet AF - I was really taken aback when you said you thought I might have to "let him go" in your first post, but as the thread has gone on, I hope I've made people realise that although this isn't a problem to be swept under the carpet (which I keep doing!), it's not a problem which will mean anyone has to be let go. We are a very strong couple (I think those that dabble in the BDSM scene usually are, for all sorts of reasons), and that although we're trying to work through some ishoos at the moment, we're definitely going to end up out the other side together. It's just how to navigate the bumps in the road, and make BOTH sides happy with the sexual arrangements in the relationship.

I have obviously offended THH in another life. This thread has her NAME in the title and everything, and not a peep from her!

Coffee, I think that comment you refer to about "maybe letting him go" says more about my misunderstanding of the "scene" as you call it, so I retract it, but can you kinda see where I was coming from ?

It was actually very big of you not to tell me to fuck right off (I did expect it, actually and would have been ok with that)

I would be pleased if you took on a little bit of what I said, however, no man is a complete angel...they have a dick, right ?

I dunno where the heck tarty is...she posted earlier this am but was something completely unrelated and I think she may have RL stuff going on at the mo

Believe me, I know that DH needs to wake up a bit as well, in this whole thing (life is not going to go back to the way it was pre-DC!) - I am taking on board what people are saying, I just hope people are taking on board DH's point of view as well (which is mine, to a certain extent too - I just need to figure out how to get there!)

Anyway, DS grumbling so must be bed time..

AF: WRT the 'keep upping the ante and where does it stop?' well it stops when one person feels uncomfortable, end of (unless one or more partners in a relationship are abusive or sociopathic or deeply screwed up, in which case there are going to be problems whether or not sexual experimentation is involved). Experimenting with kinky sex is no more a guaranteed nonstop route to hell than one glass of sherry will lead inevitably to alcoholism.