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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH has signed up to a number of online dating websites

29 replies

gemmummy · 18/01/2010 11:37

looking for no strings attatched sex. I found one once b4 about 18 months ago, he swore it was curiosity and now i have discovered 2 or 3 more. I confronted him about one and he swore that it was just stupidity but i have found emails too trying to arrange a meet. I'm gutted.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 18/01/2010 11:42

It looks like he has no intention of remaining monogamous. So I'm afraid you have a harsh but simple choice: accept that he will continue having sex with other people, or end the relationship. There is nothing you can do that will stop him looking for sex elsewhere, and more importantly, no way you will ever be able to be sure that he isn't, if you ask him to stop. If monogamy is important to you, then living with the constant uncertainty of whether he is at it again or not will do you horrible mental damage.
However, if you feel you can come to some sort of agreement with him, involving rules such as: no other partners to be brought to your home, no one else to know about it etc then it might be possible to negotiate on this. I'd suggest thining about exatly what you can and can't put up with first, then having a frank talk with him which starts from the viewpoint that you know he's not monogamous and ask him what he actually really wants.

Original poster

gemmummy · 18/01/2010 11:44

thanks for replying SGB, I'm in turmoil over this, I hate him for it. I'm not a doormat, and I will not put up with this shite under any fucking circumstances. He says he would never have done anything but to be frank I'm not sure I believe him. We have a 2 yr old DS and a healthy sex life or so I thought. Fuck him for doing this to me.

OP posts:

skybluewinking · 18/01/2010 11:52

I am afraid I have to agree with SGB.
There is no way that this is innocent. Please do not let him persuade you that it was harmless curiosity.
It needs discussing, and again, to echo SGB, maybe you can find a modus operandi.Probably not from your reply, but if you can no longer live with him, [totally understandable], do try and stay friends for the sake of your dc.
So sorry, you must be devastated.

Original poster

gemmummy · 18/01/2010 11:55

thanks skyblue, i'm going to my mums for a few days with my son, i need some space i think to think about what i need. I have no financial worries so I know I will cope, I have good job and house but I feel like I've been living with a stranger and that is shit. He's the best dad to DS you could ask for, and generally a good husband/friend too. Or so I bloody thought.

OP posts:

orangina · 18/01/2010 11:55

There was another thread about exactly this not so long ago.... might be worth looking for it and reading the (very good) advice there....

So sorry you are going through this. I really hope you can work through it without too much heartbreak...

(anger is GOOD at this stage by the way...!)

Original poster

gemmummy · 18/01/2010 12:01

oragina, anger is an underestimation. I'm bloody furious with the selfish, shallow, self obsessed twat.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 18/01/2010 12:09

once can be a mistake

to do it again when he knows he's been rumbled = a dealbreaker in my book

unless you can live with a partner who shags other people, I am afraid you have a miserable future ahead of you

he can still be a good dad, just not a resident one

if you want monogamy, find someone else who does too, there are plenty of them

SolidGoldBrass · 18/01/2010 12:15

Yes he can stil be a good dad if not your partner any more. And, though you will feel lousy for now, there is a chance you will be able to build a good co-parent relationship with him in the future once his non-mongamy is no longer your problem. Best of luck.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 18/01/2010 13:22

The E mails you uncovered betray the true agenda here, although I have no doubt that his excuse will have moved on from "I was just curious" to the "but I never would have gone through with it" variety. SGB and AF are right - this man has actually got no intention of being monogamous and can't even be arsed to have a relationship with a woman that might yield sex. He might even be trying to persuade himself that no-strings sex is somehow more "allowable" than forming an emotional connection with another woman. I presume however from what you've said, that infidelity and deceit of any sort are not allowable for you and your barrier is firm.

This man has got no intention of fidelity and it would be better to cut your losses here and now and recognise it. So sorry for you though - get some TLC from your mum and vent your anger. The cut him loose as a partner and regard him as a co-parent only.

I very often think that men like this never reverse the situation and imagine that their behaviour might result in you forming relationships with others. It would be a wonderful outlet for your righteous anger to inform him that now this is out in the open, you will at some point be having sex with other men and enjoying it. After you've left him.

AnyFucker · 18/01/2010 13:42

oh yes, make sure he doesn't think that you will be turning into some kind of nun while you nurse your broken heart

get right back in the saddle ! (as it were)

AnyFucker · 18/01/2010 13:44

I suspect I know how these men would react, were the tables turned and their wives were offering themselves up for sex on a no-strings shagging site....

who the hell does he think he is ?

Original poster

gemmummy · 18/01/2010 15:44

thanks for your support guys, I'm at my mums now, it's only a few hours drive and I am going to have to think long and hard about this. you're right, he did say, but I wouldn't go through with it. Oh god, I'm a cliche, I don't believe it. Never thought it would happen to me. Fuck him a million times over for his shitty behaviour.

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 18/01/2010 15:45

Thought so. You poor love. Don't fall for it, will you?

AnyFucker · 18/01/2010 16:29

ohh, he will follow a script of that you can be sure

what does your mum say ?

Original poster

gemmummy · 18/01/2010 17:19

She just listens really. She really likes my DH but will support any decision I make. She does agree with me that it seems men think with their bloody cock. I did say to my DH, who do you think you are, Tiger fucking woods?

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 18/01/2010 17:21

Not all men, OP. Don't make the mistake of thinking that they're all the same. This infantilises men, who make adult choices in life.

SolidGoldBrass · 18/01/2010 17:49

There are plenty of monogamous men out there (and plenty of monogamy-refusing women for that matter). Don't let his inability to be the sort of partner you want spoil the rest of your life.

AnyFucker · 18/01/2010 18:52

lol @ Tiger Fucking Woods

get him booked in for some sex addiction "rehab"

sex addiction...what bollocks (I fully expect sgb to correct me on that, however)

not all men think with their cocks, OP, you just picked a bad 'un there...

Original poster

gemmummy · 18/01/2010 19:09

anyfucker, this is the crap I am struggling with. I have asked him if he's happy, he says he is, and he feels terrible and knows what a twat he's been but all I can think is what if? Sex addiction my fat arse, spineless cheating wanker more like.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 18/01/2010 19:21

aww, stay angry, love

your mum sounds nice, she knows she cannot really say too much in case you manage to work it out and then she will have burned her boats IYSWIM

Original poster

gemmummy · 18/01/2010 21:13

anyfucker, i'm under no illusions, i'm a lucky girl. I am financially independent, and have strong family support. But, DAMN, I am feeling sorry for myself, pathetic really.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 18/01/2010 21:17

you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself

as long as you don't start feeling sorry for him

Original poster

gemmummy · 18/01/2010 21:20

no sympathy for him. hope he's sat at home feeling crap. I only rang earlier to check he'd fed and walked the dog. He said to me today, can you not leave DS here? I said no, why the fuck should i be the one missing him? So we are 'on holiday' at his nanas and i have a half brother who is 8 so my DS loves it here, it's a great treat for him.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 18/01/2010 21:23

Perhaps he is on the pc, talking to his new girlfriends...

BelleDameSansMerci · 18/01/2010 21:23

What I don't understand is why they go online for this stuff... Talk about easy to find out/track down. Not that that's relevant. Just feels like they/he wants to be caught.

gemmummy - why shouldn't you be feeling sorry for yourself? Please be kind to yourself. This is about him not you.

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