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Original poster

I've found out my ex cheated on his GF with me

46 replies

aimeesmummy · 17/01/2010 20:56

I dated a guy last summer who contacted me via a dating site. I was absolutely besotted with him but he was pretty stressed and was going through a very bitter divorce and he ended up finishing with me a week before my 40th birthday . He kept in touch over the last few months (contact mostly instigated by him, I never chase if I've been dumped) and I've met up with him a couple of times recently and he very clearly wants to get things going again.

However, bored one evening a week or so ago, I Googled his name! He has quite an unusual surname and everything that came back was to do with him. Long story but I found out that he has been in a relationship with someone (who he told me he'd finished with a couple of months before starting to see me as she didn't like sex) for at least a year, that it's still going on now and was going on all over the summer. I would see him loads during the week but rarely at weekends, he was always off visiting family or his 4 kids who live in the West Country, or saying he was working. She runs a jive-dance club and there are lots of pictures of them together cuddled up, at dance events, black tie do's, fancy dress. Including one Saturday in August when he left me in the morning saying he was going into work and there he is pictured dancing at this show!!

I have been absolutely seething. I made it quite clear to him that I wasn't looking to "play", that I was looking for a relationship and he said that's what he was looking for too. I'm also obviously really hurt. I met him again this week and I sat there listening to him and watching him lie to me, it was very interesting (and quite cathartic). I'm seeing him again this weekend (I suggested a night when I know she has a burns night dance organised, so lets see what he decides to do, whether to see me or go to her do) and I'm going to tell him tthat I know and I will enjoy watching his face as he realises he's been caught out. I'm only going to see him the once more as I need to move on and not waste time and effort on him.

My question is... do I tell her? I could email her via her website and she's also on Facebook.

My reasons for telling her... well... I know that I would really, really want to know if I was being cheated on, even if a complete stranger contacted me with compelling evidence. I have a photo of us which, when you look at the picture properties, is dated August09. I know that he's dated other people as well since I now know he's been in a relationship with her (she conveniently lives some distance away, but I thing she may have moved in with him very recently). So he's a serial cheat. He told me this week that he cheated on his wife BEFORE they even got married 25 years ago! This is the wife who he's just divorced from. But apart from the woman-thing of I would want to know, if I tell her, and assuming they don't have one of those iffy relationships where she's OK with him getting laid elsewhere, then she'll dump him and a big part of his social life ie all the dance social stuff, will be closed off to him. So it would screw his social life.

There is absolutely no way I would have got involved with im if I'd known he was in a relationship, that's not the sort of relationship I want! So I'm gutted, both for her as she obviously likes him a lot (she will be devastated I think) but also for me as I was so pleased that he wanted to see me again. THANK GOD I fouond out as I would be very easily getting drawn back in again.

Advice please. Thank you.

OP posts:
Rindercella · 17/01/2010 21:07

Sorry you have been hurt by this jerk.

I personally wouldn't tell his gf. But if you do, please don't expect to feel better about it or expect any thanks for it.

You are best off leaving well alone - I wouldn't even bother seeing him again.

BitOfFun · 17/01/2010 21:16

Agree with Rindercella. Why give him any more headspace?

Original poster
aimeesmummy · 17/01/2010 21:24

Fair point about seeing him again - but what about telling her? I would def want to know if it were me.

OP posts:
anothermum92 · 17/01/2010 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

EcoMouse · 17/01/2010 21:27

Tell her but don't expect thanks, cut him off and protect yourself.

AnyFucker · 17/01/2010 21:30

just erase him from your life, effective now

he is not worth it, you will not receieve any thanks for telling and will be painted as some mad psycho bitch

don't meet him

just disappear

kittya · 18/01/2010 09:55

Dont tell her. Its not fair to her and, like you said, they could have a pretty open relationship and you will come off looking worse. I would leave it, tempting as it is.

Bramshott · 18/01/2010 10:07

"assuming they don't have one of those iffy relationships where she's OK with him getting laid elsewhere" - that't the problem isn't it - you don't know. I would stay out of it TBH - just cut contact and count it as a lucky escape.

kittya · 18/01/2010 10:17

And loads of people do have those iffy relationships, especially when they have such social jobs. I would stay well clear of both of them!!

Original poster
aimeesmummy · 18/01/2010 11:11

I have to say I'm amazed - we all shout "b*stard" when we hear of someone cheating but all these replies sound like we shouldn't then say anything!! Would none of you want to be told? Really?? If you're told you're being cheated on, what you then do with that information is up to you - but at least you're given a choice. If you were in an open relationship you'd just ignore it and if you find out you're being cheated on you deal with it one way or another.
If they do have an open relationship, he needs to be going on websites that specifically look for sex, not pretending to be someone he's not and leading other women into thinking he's properly available and then hurting them badly.

OP posts:
Size6Feet · 18/01/2010 11:24

I agree with you aimeesmummy. I would appreciate someone contacting me with any information about dh cheating/playing around. Its not the person telling who shatters your life but the one whos cheating.

kittya · 18/01/2010 21:33

I understand what you are saying but it is often the messanger that gets shot. Ive had this before with a serial philanderer and beleive me, often the other women are are so wrapped up and taken in by the so and so, you just end up looking like a nutter. Best forget in my opinion.

Size6Feet · 19/01/2010 12:11

I was so trusting, that any 'signs' were oblivious to me. There was other stuff going on (deaths, etc) that it took someone to say "when he's on the phone to * at work, his voice goes all soppy". I will always be grateful to that person for making me aware. That burst my bubble - and dont you think it needed to be.

I realised they all knew what was going on and they must have thought it was acceptable because nothing was ever said to me or hinted till then.

I wondered if they all had low standards and just thought it was good entertainment for them waiting for the next installment.

starzzz · 19/01/2010 16:30

I would definately want to know... and its not like you are friends with the OW, so who cares if she doesnt thank you?

thesteelfairy · 19/01/2010 16:50

I would want to know. My xh had a affair when I was 9 months pregnant, this was over 6 years ago. He only told me recently. I feel that the whole marriage and everything that came after was a lie because had I known that I never would have stayed with him. He continued to be unfaithful to me and be abusive towards me during the time we were together, I suspected some of it but the stuff I knew for sure I didn't want to break the family up over. He got 6 painful years out of me under false pretences.

Tell her.

groundhogs · 19/01/2010 17:15

What do you care? Tis nothing to do with you any more.

Count yourself lucky, you're free of him. You only saw him for a couple of months tops, hardly serious relationship territory. Stay well out of it, he's not worth it.

He's not married to her, so he's just being a twunt. More fool her, either way, not your concern.

kittya · 19/01/2010 21:39

I agree with groundhog, you hardly know the bloke. Leave well alone. I feel sorry for the posters talking about DH or DP but really that is another kettle of fish and when its such a serious partnership of course you would want to know but, this was hardly that territory. Seriously, forget the pair of them. Good Luck.

Original poster
aimeesmummy · 20/01/2010 00:21

Thanks for all the posts and really, really sorry to hear stories of cheats in proper long term relationships . Yes mine was only a few months, so incomparable, but he really pulled me in under false pretences and I'm ashamed to say now that I was absolutely besotted with him and I've been really hurt - how the hell do i trust anyone again, he was very genuine. No I don't know her so don't give a hoot like I would if it were if it were a friend but there's still a wanting her to know for her own sanity as well as screwing his plans up - he'll only go and do it all again so I admit my motives aren't just for her own good, there's a getting back at him too.
I've found out today (I should really be working for MI5!!) that not only has she met his family but she has partly moved in with him and they're planning on moving to her part of the world and are looking for somewhere. Don't shout at me but I popped over to his this evening for a cuppa (interesting to see evidence of someone else there!)and we're planning to meet on Saturday; my suggestion as I know she has an jive-dance event that night and want to see whether he meets me or goes to her event. Then that'll be it, I WILL cut contact with him.

OP posts:
kittya · 20/01/2010 03:00

Oh, sweetie, its difficult I know. The trouble is you have become like a dog with a bone. I know, Ive been there. Its awful but you really have to walk away. You will only end up competing with her and it wont be good for you. Its not fair to burst her bubble, she wll find out soon enough. Even if he meets you and doesnt go to the event, you havent scored one up on her cos maybe he genuinely cant be arsed to go. Its hard but leave it and make plans to go out with your friends that night. Cancel him at last minute!!

WhiteRoses · 21/01/2010 15:56

Hi,

Horrible situation... My advice would be to tell her. But only because she deserves to know. You'd want to know, I'd want to know, I think most women would. Forget about screwing up his plans. If that happens, it's a bonus, but don't let that be your reason - that implies you care about him. Which you shouldn't. Good luck!

nipscouldcutglass · 21/01/2010 21:27

I would tell her but then cut contact with both - don't get dragged in to a drama.
I would want to know if I were her.

kittya · 21/01/2010 22:08

Except she probably wont believe it or he will talk his way out of it. I wouldnt be arsed but, I know what its like when you want to have the last word.

EcoMouse · 21/01/2010 22:26

In seeing him again and creating further meetings you're at risk of getting into this more and more deeply on an emotional level. I think you're playing with fire, particularly now you know he's seeing someone else.
Just walk! Whether this includes telling her or not is up to you but I would.

kittya · 21/01/2010 22:49

the trouble is that you talk yourself into getting one up on them or, more to the point her. you can talk yourself into anything and then it just gets dangerous for your emotional health. Delete everything and move on, easier said then done but it is the best way.

dignified · 21/01/2010 23:03

Bollocks, id want to know.And when my ex cheated on me i had no qualms telling her husband either. If someone had told me i wouldve been out the door that day, not washing his skid marked undies for him.

I would stay away, there is nothing to be gained, youve had a very very lucky escape.If you do tell the girlfreind i would talk to her on the phone, and be nice, shes done nothing wrong and will probably be just as upset as you.

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