I've found out my ex cheated on his GF with me

[aimeesmummy]

I dated a guy last summer who contacted me via a dating site. I was absolutely besotted with him but he was pretty stressed and was going through a very bitter divorce and he ended up finishing with me a week before my 40th birthday . He kept in touch over the last few months (contact mostly instigated by him, I never chase if I've been dumped) and I've met up with him a couple of times recently and he very clearly wants to get things going again.

However, bored one evening a week or so ago, I Googled his name! He has quite an unusual surname and everything that came back was to do with him. Long story but I found out that he has been in a relationship with someone (who he told me he'd finished with a couple of months before starting to see me as she didn't like sex) for at least a year, that it's still going on now and was going on all over the summer. I would see him loads during the week but rarely at weekends, he was always off visiting family or his 4 kids who live in the West Country, or saying he was working. She runs a jive-dance club and there are lots of pictures of them together cuddled up, at dance events, black tie do's, fancy dress. Including one Saturday in August when he left me in the morning saying he was going into work and there he is pictured dancing at this show!!

I have been absolutely seething. I made it quite clear to him that I wasn't looking to "play", that I was looking for a relationship and he said that's what he was looking for too. I'm also obviously really hurt. I met him again this week and I sat there listening to him and watching him lie to me, it was very interesting (and quite cathartic). I'm seeing him again this weekend (I suggested a night when I know she has a burns night dance organised, so lets see what he decides to do, whether to see me or go to her do) and I'm going to tell him tthat I know and I will enjoy watching his face as he realises he's been caught out. I'm only going to see him the once more as I need to move on and not waste time and effort on him.

My question is... do I tell her? I could email her via her website and she's also on Facebook.

My reasons for telling her... well... I know that I would really, really want to know if I was being cheated on, even if a complete stranger contacted me with compelling evidence. I have a photo of us which, when you look at the picture properties, is dated August09. I know that he's dated other people as well since I now know he's been in a relationship with her (she conveniently lives some distance away, but I thing she may have moved in with him very recently). So he's a serial cheat. He told me this week that he cheated on his wife BEFORE they even got married 25 years ago! This is the wife who he's just divorced from. But apart from the woman-thing of I would want to know, if I tell her, and assuming they don't have one of those iffy relationships where she's OK with him getting laid elsewhere, then she'll dump him and a big part of his social life ie all the dance social stuff, will be closed off to him. So it would screw his social life.

There is absolutely no way I would have got involved with im if I'd known he was in a relationship, that's not the sort of relationship I want! So I'm gutted, both for her as she obviously likes him a lot (she will be devastated I think) but also for me as I was so pleased that he wanted to see me again. THANK GOD I fouond out as I would be very easily getting drawn back in again.

Advice please. Thank you.

I have enough bits of "evidence" about him so she will know I've known him intimately, as a person not just in the sack, so she and he can't brush me off as some nutter who came onto him and won't take no for an answer. I don't really want to see him again and if he doesn't contact me about our arrangement for meeting tomorrow night, I won't contact him. I noticed that my body language when I saw him Tues was very negative, there's NO way I'm going back there, I don't want anything to do with him so I won't be competing with her, she can have him. Plus, you're right kittya, I need to move on and get on with my life and just thank my lucky stars I found out - but I still think she deserves to know. IF I tell her (still not made up my mind!) she can do what she wants with the info but at least I've given her the option. Had a great chat with my Mum about it all last night and she's concerned that if I tell her then he might be really angry with me and get back at me in some way, she doesn't want to be worried about me living on my own with my daughter in my house - and he knows where I live. I thought "naaaah, he wouldn't do anything!" but then I guess I didn't know what I now know, so what else do I not know about him?

I'd want to know if it were me. Send her a message via facebook/whatever with some evidence then leave it.

I would be absolutely furious if someone came to me with that kind of information uninvited because I would strongly suspect that their motive had absolutely nothing to do with protecting me or my feelings and absolutely everything to do with that person's own agenda.

In this particular case, the agenda is revenge. In other cases it may be to do with having power or control over the situation; scoring points; being the conveyor of gossip or other even more malicious reasons.

You are not responsible for his private life, his relationships, his moral code or her life.

Now, if I INVITED someone to provide me with that kind of information, that is an entirely different matter as I would have made it clear that I was open to receving that sort of information. But, on balance, I would probably never want to put a third party in that position, or indeed give them that kind of power over me.

She may well suspect and be turning a blind eye - but I don't see what that has to do with you.

If you are hell-bent on revenge, why not simply have it out WITH HIM? He is the one who misled you.

sorry, but what wtf do you think you are doing? You know he's 'taken', you know he's an arsehole, you know you don't want anything to do with him, why the f are you arranging to meet him etc?

To maintain any sense of dignity and decorum, just ditch him, don't give him a second thought.

Knowing what you know now, any self-respecting woman would just ditch him, cold.

To hang around like a bad smell, plotting revenge over a 'relationship' of a few weeks, is just sad.

tbh, you are now coming across as unhinged...

id leave it, dont talk to him , delete ignore all messages emails ect. you just cant trust him - hes already lied to you about being single (and to his gf). you have had a lucky escape...plenty of fish and all that.

I honestly would leave it. Especially as you have just said he knows where you live and what might be the result of you contacting te girl, its not painting a very nice picture of him. Honestly you will come accross as been in love with him or something like that by showing you are bothered. I can tell you now what will happen he will either tell the woman you are a nutter who is making it up or she will think you are as she will listen to him. She wont be concerned by what you tell her, I promise you.

Hmmnnn. OK. Thanks for all the comments. As expected, he cancelled on me tonight so I texted saying I knew he would and not to contact me again. I've blocked his numbers from my phone. So that's that. Onwards and upwards.

Good move! Nice one OP! Good luck, you'll meet better.. LOL, that won't be hard now will it?

Great news - definitely a lucky escape for you!

well done!! you did the right thing. I never even knew you could block phone numbers!!

DEFINTELY a lucky escape! I was absolutely besotted with him during the summer, and I know it was "only a few weeks" but that doesn't stop you really liking someone does it. I am SO relieved I found out as I would have been getting drawn back in so easily and I would have been gutted last night that he'd cancelled and I would have been wondering where he was. Such a weight off my shoulders. I really really know that compared to some issues we read on here that mine is insignificant but it's been pretty hurtful.
I can't block numbers, just put them on auto-reject, so it'll show he's called (which he hasn't, yet!) but it won't accept his call.
Calling me "Unhinged" felt a bit unfair but I can see where you're coming from! I know I can get a bit obsessive but now I've stopped pretending I don't know his game, I don't give a hoot about the rest of his shoddy life.

i know unhinged was harsh, i'm sorry for that, but you did seem rather hell bent on revenge for a mo.

He really isn't work that, not the loss of your dignity, you'd have just been made to look a complete bitch, when you are absolutely not one.

They say a good life is the best revenge or something like that, and the other saying is that revenge is a dish best served cold.

Either way, good to do nothing for now, the opportunity may present itself in the future, whereupon you can grab it with both hands and make that bugger squirm.

Fwiw, the reason you got so hooked was precisely the way he pursued you, entertained you, then, just as you were falling for him, he dumps you.

Cold calculated, treat em mean, keep em keen shite.

Take your time, Don't settle for that again, you can and will get better. Chin up, manly pat, and best of luck!

To end this story, I did contact her by email and we spoke briefly; she was horrified as they'd had plans to marry and she had no idea that he'd been cheating on her. When she asked him about me, he lied saying he'd dated me for the few weeks whilst they'd had a split but in reality I'd not even met him at that point. She was "grateful" (her word) that I told her and glad she found out now rather than later. I believe she has dumped him and quite honestly I hope she kicked his skinny arse into the middle of next week. No I don't feel great about telling her as it would have been horrific for her but she said she was glad to find out and I'm glad he's received a kicking and his plans and social life are ruined - how dare he dupe me and lie and just use me for sex and how dare he cheat on her, she is lovely and didn't deserve it. It won't stop him doing it again, he's been cheating for 30 years, and will no doubt try and get away with it again. It's made me very wary and I'm off dating. Thanks for all the comments. Happy Valentine's Day

Gah, so you didn't give a hoot about his shoddy life?

But you couldn't leave it alone could you? Where is your dignity woman?

Why bother asking here if you disregard it all anyway?

Argh!

wanders off shaking head in utter disbelief

gh, I asked enough friends all of whom said they'd want to know, as would I if someone were cheating on me, the only "don't say anything" comments I got were from a couple of people on here. If your other half was cheating on you would you want to just stick your head in the sand and ignore it?? Really? We all shout "bastard" when we hear of someone cheating but you make it sound like we should ignore it. She was gutted but glad she found out - she is gorgeous and sounded a lovely person when we spoke, she deserves far better - imagine if they'd got married and she found out he'd been cheating on her for years at some point in the future, how much worse would that be?

So what was your reason for me NOT telling her because I've clearly missed it?

Not read the whole thread, but I'd have wanted to know if it was me too.

Me too.

Good on you. It's a horrible thing to hear but means she can make an informed decision about her future.
I hope she manages to free herself of him too.

What a lovely woman she sounds - far too good to have been duped into making choices in her life, without all the relevant information to hand. I think you did absolutely the right thing Aimee. I think it teaches people a very salutary lesson when the women or men they are duping, unite against them and refuse to be pitted against eachother in a fight over a tarnished prize. Sadly, he will probably move on to his next victim - but that won't be yours - or her - problem.

my two-pennies worth - you did the right thing. I would want to know. Well done.