How do I replicate the feelings for almost-NM with DH?

[HesterPrynne]

Been with DH more than 20 years, married for 18, but quite rocky for much of the time, mainly around kids and money.

Anyways, over the last 18 months I have become quite close to a man at work, but without thinking we were anything more then friends. He has a family too.
To my surprise this threatened to turn into something much more just around christmas. Same old cliche of office party and too much alcohol...

But that one clinch, which is all it was, and all it will be we have decided, awakened all sorts of feelings I thought I'd lost years ago. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt such passion/lust/urgency with DH, if at all.

Sex has always been a issue in my marriage, but now it's worse, as I now know what I've been missing all these years. And although I now think about shagging far more, I can't seem to transfer that to DH.

I want to stay with him, but how can I find a way to replicate those feelings with him. Or at least get to a point where it stops feeling like a mundane duty?

You can't.

All you can do is take it as a huge warning sign that things aren't great at home and drag DH off for couples' counselling. Maybe if you rediscover each other, the fireworks will happen at home - or you may decide that DH is no longer the one for you, then decisions will have to be made. Counselling should add clarity.

Just want to add, I'm in no way judging you. It's hard. Life's messy.

We have talked about counselling, but DH is not keen - too much money and the best one: the waiting lists are too long!

And that was before Christmas, I'm not sure I could do counselling now, cos I really don't want him to know about 'the clinch'. It was an aberration that I have no intentions of repeating. Would couselling work if kept that secret?

He thinks we can sort it out between us, but then, as I say he doesn't knows exactly what's troubling me now.

Well, you don't have to tell him about the clinch as such. You can frame it as "I've developed strong feelings for someone else, and I'm worried about what this says about our relationship."

The feelings are the important thing, in my opinion, and remember, you don't get into a position like the one you are in on your own. Not trying to justify affairs, etc, but I really believe it takes two to make a marriage and two to mess one up.

Have you talked to him over the years about how you've felt?

Oh, and can I just warn you - if you continue seeing this man, the clinch will happen again. I promise.

Bobbie, thanks so much for sticking with me!

We have talked about stuff, endlessly. Lack of sex, lack of communication, lack of fellow feeling even, just not this particular issue.

I'm not sure I can tell him even as little as 'I've developed strong feelings' I suspect he'll take that he's leaving cue. And I really don't want this to break us up, if only (and I know this is not considered the best reason on MN) for the kids.

I have to work with him. I am looking for other jobs, but there's not much out there. Why are you so sure it will happen again? We're both sure we want to stay in our marriages/relationships.

Because it will.

Two healthy adults, not that happy at home, close proximity, raging horn for each other...no matter what you promise yourself, and I know you will really, really mean it...however, you might be really strong and I might be doing you a disservice. Just be aware the danger will be lurking.

I can only suggest couples counselling, or failing that, individual counselling for yourself, to help you determine what it is you want/need from your marriage and whether you think you will be able to get it.

How old are your kids?

Kids are 16, 14 and 8.

No, I'm not really, really strong, I've just had that bag of crips I promised I wouldn't eat!

And I miss the friend I thought I had, the coffees, the occasional after-work drink and we have sort of reinitiated contact after the first 'what have we done' reaction.

So yes I can see the dangers, I suppose I'm sort of relying on thoughts of the consequences, and on his determination that it won't happen again.

I'll have another go tonight persuading DH to do Relate. I'm also a bit scared that he'll admit that he doesn't want to go because we're not worth saving anymore but I suppose then I'd know.

It's very, very hard. I sympathise.

You need to work out what you want. You do deserve to be happy, you know.

Your husband needs to listen to you, and try to meet your needs - and he needs to know how unhappy you are.

Why do you assume he would run off if you told him about your feelings? He might just surprise you.

And if you do come to the conclusion that it's over...well, as you say, it's better to know.

You need to sit your husband down, and tell him in no uncertain terms that you are unhappy, you are prepared to go to counselling to help save your marriage, but that he needs to meet you halfway. And a bit of honesty regarding your friend would be helpful, although it seems scary now.

Good luck

Thanks again, Bobbie. It's nice to know that at least one person is listening

(Wonders what she's doing wrong that only one person out the vast hordes on MN can be arsed with her?]}

I will talk to DH again, but will in the meantime investigate individual counselling for me.

My fears for him 'running off' is I suspect it may be the final straw for him. It's been such hard work recently, I think he's closer to throwing in the towel than me.

Well, you obyouviously love him, sweetie.

Read an interesting book lately, called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay."

It said something about affairs. It said, people have affairs for all sorts of reasons - loneliness, anger, resentment - but not necessarily because they want to end the relationship. It said if you start to be obvious about it, e.g. leaving clues and wanting to be found out, then it's a sign you want to leave the relationship, but otherwise, not necessarily.

So, don't panic. You're just acting out your unhappiness...or maybe OM is the real thing. Counselling will help you decide.

And I hope I did a good job! Feeling the weight of sole responsibility on this one

Obvyouviously????

Don't know what happened there...

hester, there are lots of people listening...you better believe it, girl

on my part, bobbie gave you such excellent advice, I didn't have anything to add

good luck, and I hope things work out for you

use this "dalliance" to try and crystallize your feelings for DH

how would you feel, eg, if DH had done the same

had a "clinch" with some hot young bird ?

if you are not really bothered, you have your answer

if you feel your DH is close to walking anyway, I do believe if you tell him that would be his cue to go

if that thought strikes you with fear, firmly knock almost-OM on the head and work very, very hard on your marriage

but make sure your DH is too, or it will all slip away from you...

< bobbie gave you such excellent advice, I didn't have anything to add >

Same here
Wishing the very best for you & DH.

You, as AF and IGA have confirmed, did a brilliant job, Bobbie. Thanks again

AF: I have asked myself how would I feel if the tables were reversed, and I'm not sure what the answer is.

There have been moments when I'd have thought, 'Yay, there's my out' and other times my blood has run cold, but I have never figured out if that's a real 'him and me' thing, ifyswim, or fear of the consequences of separation.

DH says he wants things to get better, but it feels like he means only if he can wave a magic wand. But if he's got to put some effort in, he cant be arsed. Or will try for a few days and seems to think "well I've done my bit. Now where's my reward"

gah

I dunno

I can see your confusion

basically, don't use your attraction to this other man to "force" the issue

that would be false and unfair (and you might also lose self respect along the way, which is never a good thing)

I think you do need another "serious" convo with DH, as it appears you are at some kind of crossroads

what will it take for him to wake up and smell the coffee ?

This all sounds so familiar...

Counselling, counselling, counselling.

You need to focus on your relationship with dh. The relationship with OM will only muddy the waters. You need clarity in your thinking, and you will NEVER achieve this if you are thinking of someone else.

It will be hard - really,really,very hard - because we all know that attention is like a drink of water in the desert -but trust me, you need to put OM on the back burner (at least) while you sort out your feelings for DH.

Think about telling your dh that you have feelings for someone else. You will be doing him a massive favour, and it might just serve as the catalyst he needs to make him realise he needs to shape up.

Well DH has said he is now willing, if not keen, to go to Relate, although I think he's hoping it will have such a long waiting list, it won't happen.

I couldn't bring myself to tell him about almost-OM, it felt almost like I would be gratuitously hurting him

Will try and pull out of the orbit friend has created, but it will be so hard. He's like a drug, just talking to him makes me feel good, but ultimately I know it's doing me harm. One text message, just asking how I am, can make my day. Aaargh. It's like being 16 again. Just as confusing, but far more dangerous

You should try looking your dh in the eyes for five mins every day. There is lots of research on it on the net. I read it in scientific american so it must be true . It is supposed to help you reconnect and all that. At the very least it is cheap and easy so you will have lost nothing.

Actually, you could be on to something there, Trice. I have noticed recently that DH and I rarely look at each other, let alone in the eyes. Again, I think we both fear what we might see

Whereas there's alot of eye contact in the office...

Right, first off, I would strongly recommend that you read the following book: "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It helped me a lot, and really helped me understand the situation that I found myself in after my DWs affair.

What you have been describing between you and the OM is an emotional affair. Now, this might come across as judgemental, but I'm really not being. I feel for you I really do. I've been there and I know the intensity of the feelings that you describe. And Bobbie is right, it will go further if you maintain contact with the OM. However, as you probably realise, the damging effects are caused by the emotional involvment, progression to sexual infidelity will not change your dilemma much (though I'm aware many people will say that it makes a huge difference).

You situation sounds very much like my marriage (we are in the process of separating). We too had long term problems with sexual compatibility and that resulted in infidelity for both of us.

Counselling will be very helpful for you to work out what you want. If your DH refuses to go, then go by yourself. I agree with Bobbie, you need to communicate how you feel to your DH; as scary a prospect as it seems. The alternative is that you carry on bearing the combination of unhappiness and guilt in a marriage that you don't even know that you want to be part of anymore.

I think that there are many unhappy marriages out there (mine included) that are held together solely by the fear of change. Work out what you want and then you will be better placed to make a decision.

Don't you hate it when you're forced to realise that actually, there's nothing unique about you and the situations you find yourself in

Geekdad, thank you:
< The alternative is that you carry on bearing the combination of unhappiness and guilt in a marriage that you don't even know that you want to be part of anymore >

is exactly how I feel.

I'm sorry things have not worked for your marriage. Did counselling help you make the decision to separate?

Actually, we went into the counselling with a view to saving the marriage. What we found was that although the counselling enabled us to work out the mechanics of what was wrong, it didn't enable us to find ways of addressing the fundamental problems. We got stuck at a certain point and just couldn't find a solution.

Although we went to Relate, the waiting list and the times for counselling sessions were just not workable for us. We went private with the same counsellor that we saw in out first Relate session. It was a tad more expensive. It sounds like you have an urgent need for counselling, so I would think about this as an option.

Everyone's situation is unique in the details. But it's certainly true that when relationships falter, they do so in sterotypical, predicatble ways. That's why I found the Glass book so helpful.

Trice's advice (ooh, a rhyme!) is good. Taking that some way further - you can actually fall back in love with your partner by "doing" love. The problem with falling for someone else is that we start being our best with them, and almost trying to pretend DP isn't there when we get home. Downward spiral begins ...

This is going to be like those cheesy mini-books they sell at the checkout. Try not to barf.

• Every person has their own "love language". (Words, Time, Gifts, Actions, Touches).
  If yours is gifts and his is actions, for example, you will tend to give gifts when you want more love - whereas a loving action would mean more to him iyswim. Figure out what DP's is & start providing what he needs. And ask for more of what you need.

• Yep, look him in the eyes as often as possible.

• Smile at him (with eye contact) as often as possible. Definitely first thing in the morning, and when either of you comes in from outdoors.

• Go back to little touches on the arm, etc, when talking.

• Try to say "yes" as often as possible. And that doesn't mean "yes but"! (if you really have to add a rider, make it "yes and")

• Use DP's name as often as possible, don't call him "darling", "daddy" or "umm"!

• Look at DP, I mean really look at him. Notice things like the colour of his eyes & the shape of his wrists - you know, stuff you probably haven't noticed for a while.

• Do something different together every day. It can be something small like cooking a new type of meal, going to a different supermarket, or a bigger change like starting a wine-tasting course together. Just something every day.

• Do him a favour every day. Again, can be something small.

• Ask him a favour every day. Don't explain or anything, just ask.

• When he does something for you, thank him.

• Ask about his day. Listen. Tell him about yours.

• Laugh together. Tell jokes, watch funny DVDs, go to a comedy club - whatever tickles you.

And ... un*-do all of the above where OM is concerned! Re-divert your efforts

If you can get both of you to Relate, so much the better

Forgot to second Geekdad on Not Just Friends, btw.

Thank you Grace. It is scary how few of the things on your list ever happen in this house

We have had conversations about doing more together, but we last went out as a couple to see Slumdog Millionaire when it was first out, don't even know how long ago that was.

We have a free babysitter in the house, but neither of us apparently can bothered to 'exploit' her.

I'm starting to feel really stupid now. Of course almost-OM makes me feel better about myself, I have sat chatting to him one-to-one at least once a week for the last year and a half. I have probably had fewer than 10 full, undistracted, normal ie not about ishoos, conversations with DH in that time