How do I replicate the feelings for almost-NM with DH?

[HesterPrynne]

Been with DH more than 20 years, married for 18, but quite rocky for much of the time, mainly around kids and money.

Anyways, over the last 18 months I have become quite close to a man at work, but without thinking we were anything more then friends. He has a family too.
To my surprise this threatened to turn into something much more just around christmas. Same old cliche of office party and too much alcohol...

But that one clinch, which is all it was, and all it will be we have decided, awakened all sorts of feelings I thought I'd lost years ago. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt such passion/lust/urgency with DH, if at all.

Sex has always been a issue in my marriage, but now it's worse, as I now know what I've been missing all these years. And although I now think about shagging far more, I can't seem to transfer that to DH.

I want to stay with him, but how can I find a way to replicate those feelings with him. Or at least get to a point where it stops feeling like a mundane duty?

Looking good, Hester!

Let us know how it goes ...
x

You're not stupid, Hester, you're just human. Don't beat yourself up about this. Just by posting on this forum you're taking steps to sort this out. You should be pleased with yourself about that.

We didn't start trying to rescue our marriage until I found out about my DW's four year affair. Much harder to come back from because so much of the counselling was fire-fighting the effects of the affair rather than dealing with the problems in our marriage.

IGA's advice is excellent. I wish you luck.

hester, it really isn't too late to save your marriage

there is brilliant advice here

Thank you all.

Mission 'Revive Hester's marriage' starts now. I think I'll start with a shower, and a leg-shave, show I mean business

Tonight I will remind DD1 of her sibling obligations and take DH out, I've waiting long enough for him to ask me. Watch out DH, here I come!

I just hope it's not too late, or that we discover that there's nothing left to revive.

aww

good luck hester

this could be a turning point for you

I do feel that your DH does need to know how close to disintegration your marriage is (could you find a way to do that wthout telling of your flirtation?)

if you don't tell him, you are not being fair because he may not be aware just how seriously he has to fight for it

so in some ways, you are almost setting him up to fail, not show you he cares enough, OM is more empathic etc etc and the whole cycle begins again

if you work it out, he needs to know what a close shave you had, IYSWIM

Hester, I agree with AF. Sometimes people need a major jolt to wake them up out of their complacency and realise what they stand to lose. OM's partner is in that place too, you see, assuming he hasn't told her either.

I fear you may be deluding yourself that you can continue any sort of relationship or friendship (even collegiate) with OM. Is it possible to change roles and sever contact? Un-consumnated lust is a very heady pull towards an affair and that is unlikely to diminish all the while you are seeing him every day.

You're a wise woman to realise you need to transfer these newly emerging sexual feelings to your H, but he's got one hand tied behind his back at the moment in a fight he doesn't even know he's having.

It might be that the steps you're taking to reinvigorate your marriage will be all it takes, but I somehow doubt it. Your H has never had the motivation before to resolve grievances properly, so what's his motivation now? As AF says, he needs to know how imperilled his position is - it could be all the motivation he needs.

I would always advise transparency about catalysts like this - in the long run, you will get to where you want to be quicker. Secrets impair intimacy and a secret like yours alters your view of your DH - you might be seeing him as a victim and this is diminishing his sexual appeal enormously.

However in this case I would remove the threat (get away from OM) before disclosure. This will make the disclosure far easier for your DH to handle. At this stage, I would therefore make it very clear that the marriage is in real danger and do everything in your power to convince DH that it is really serious this time.

Having sex is also an amazing glue and healer. The more you have sex, the more you want it - and your H will feel more loved and secure as a result. Once this is embedded again - and you have removed OM from your life - you might feel able to disclose.

And if you do none of this, at least read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It is an amazing and life-changing read. You'll be eternally relieved once you've read it that you had the wisdom to pull back and recognise what lead you to this friendship.

Get your H to read it too after disclosure. He will respect you enormously for valuing him and respecting him enough to pull back from a situation everyone of us is vulnerable to (including him). You are giving him the most enormous gift at the moment, but he cannot thank you for it because he doesn't know what it is.

I don't think I've ever been called wise before, WWIFN and it seems unlikely given the foolish situation I'm in. But thank you.

I realise that removing myself from temptation is the only sure way of not succumbing, but unfortunately, I am the only earner in the house at the moment. And I've been applying for other jobs since September, not because of OM originally, but it's only part-time, with no luck. So I have to stick with it, for now.

DH's redundancy and our severe money shortage, is not helping things, which is one of the reasons I'm worried about disclosing. I know DH feels emasculated by losing his business and his subsequent inability to get a job. And although I like to think I understand that, he says it doesn't show . Can knowing that his wife is in lust elsewhere really help?

But I also recognise the sense in your fight analogy and in AF's post

And thanks again everyone for taking the time to talk to me and not dismissing me as silly middle-aged bint who ought to know better

well, hester, you are that as well

Well, I'd like to think I'm a well-rounded, multi-dimensional character

I understand Hester, which is even more reason why the timing of disclosure is so important. Now might not be the right time, I agree - for you or him. Job security for him + different job for you + revitalised marriage and resolution of longstanding problems provide better conditions for disclosure.

We are ALL vulnerable to affairs - it is one of the biggest minconceptions and lies told in marriage that we are somehow impervious to temptation. Your husband is just as vulnerable - maybe more so because he's feeling emasculated and has low self-esteem - in fact, given the problems in your marriage, he would be classified as "high risk".

It is perfectly normal and understandable to be tempted - the reason you are wise Hester is that you recognise the disastrous consequences of acting on it (and they are enormous and devastating for all involved).

I am sure you are hester

you sound like someone I could get on with though, from a fellow silly middle-aged bint

Now that is the best news I've heard in ages, the legendary AnyFucker thinks we could get on.

The magic of MN. You come on hoping to lose an almost-OM, and you gain an almost-imaginary friend.

Just cheering you on, Hester - hope all goes well from here on in

Thanks Bobbie.
We've just got back from lunch. My day off, he has half day.

Normally he stays downstairs on laptop, me up here on main 'puter and nary a word is said, until the kids get in.

Today, bearing in mind all the magnificent advice on here, I suggested we go for a Thai.

I made an effort not to launch into a 'what's wrong with us, what are we going to do now' speech and we just chatted. It was probably the best 40 mins we've spent in each others company for months.

We even had a bit of hug when we got home. Still quite, brother/sisterly, but it's got to be a start, right?

You go, girl!

He's lucky to have you.

Onwards and upwards, hey?

oh, here's hoping that this is a good little start

please make the effort and make sure he does too

don't forget though, in order to make this a level playing field, he does need to know how close you both came (even if you don't tell him about almost-OM, I don't think I would tell him specifics at this point either, tbh)

err, not too sure you should want to be associated with me hester, I was a nasty piece of work on another thread last night

Just wanted to add that the sexual urgency you feel with a new partner has a definite shelf life anyway.

If you shagged this other man often enough you'd stop feeling the urgency with him too.

It's unrealistic to want your long term partner to whip you up into a teenage lust fever after years of domesticity. You'd presumably had the lust phase with your DH and now are in the calm, settled phase.

Maybe your DH isn't right for you but don't bin him before you analyse exactly what you'd be giving up, and how soon you may well be back there with Mr Lust.

I'm not sure I know which thread you mean AF, so I reserve the right to claim 'Her. Nah, never liked her', but otherwise you usually make me laugh, or nod in agreement, so, with the above disclaimer in place, I'm happy to be associated with you

Morris, I'm not really expecting that first flush back, but I really had accepted that the 'ho-hum, have you done yet' variety of sex was all I/we were fit for. Almost-OM just made me realise that I don't have to give up just yet, and if I can rediscover just some of it with DH then all the better.

don't go looking then, hester...

I mean don't go looking for my horridness

not don't go looking for some torrid sex with your DH

you should do that...the torrider (is that a word ?), the better

You knew if you told me not to, I'd have to go looking.

If it's the one I think it is then, yes, I am shocked. You snogged BoF! or was it Reality?

So now my almost-imaginary friend is as reckless with her snogs as my almost-OM.

It must be me! I must attract 'em

lol

err, pot ? kettle ? springs to mind....

Well, yeah, but I'm just a silly middle-aged bint, who didn't know any better