It's happening again, DH saying he doesn't know if he's going to leave

[Zooropa]

Short summary - the last few months have been very hard, we have argued a lot, DH told me a few months ago he wasn't happy and was concerned. We tried to work on things and they were a lot better for a while but over christmas we argued loads. I am insecure and don't have much in my life other than dh and ds, moved from away to be with him. He can be bad tampered and snappy with me and that doesn't help.

Anyway, after the horrid week over christmas I decided to change how I am with him and really try and sort out my insecurities, I thought I'd been doing really well, also he has been making the effort too and we have had (I thought) a great couple of weeks. But yesterday we had a meal out booked with his mum babysitting (a rare event) and at the last minute he said he didn't want to go, got upset and said he wasn't happy again.

Completely out of the blue - I said I thought things have been good and he kept saying he didn't know why he was feeling like this and that he didn't know what to do. We were both crying, I am so worried about poor ds who was there, we put the tv on for him but he must have realised what was going on.

Anyway, he is saying he wants to make it work but he doesn't know what's wrong as he agrees these 2 weeks have been good. I am so scared. I don't want to be a single mum, I love him, I know I have been a bit messed up especially the last few months but I really will compromise on almost anything for this to be ok. Where the hell do I go from here? He keeps saying he doesn't know what's going to happen. How can I behave normally and try and sort things out when I don't know if my husband is leaving or not? So scared

It sounds like a very diffcult time for you.

Is it possible he is depressed and has he seen a GP?

What behaviours of his trigger your sense of insecurity?

I'd be concerned that he has said 'he doesn't know what's going to happen'. As if his future is out of his control? For me, this could imply the involvement of a third party, along with avoiding an intimate date with you.

Something has to give. It is impossible for you to feel secure amidst his turbulance and unfair (on both you and your DC) for this to continue.

Encourage him to see his GP, he has to take steps to sort himself out.

Thank you, I wondered if it was depression because he said before he didn't know what was wrong, but now he has said it is our relationship. I have asked if there is something he's not telling me but he is adamant there isn't.

I don't think there's a third party, I can't see that he would have time! He says it was nothing to do with the fact we were going out, he was just feeling low.

I get insecure when he doesn't seem to want to come to bed with me in the nights (he stays up late on the computer sometimes, sometimes workign sometimes just surfing). I know this shouldn't make me insecure but it does. Just lots of littel things really. Also when he seems in a mood and I ask what's wrong. It's because I am worried he doesn't want to be with me. I just want things to be like they were

When he says he doesn't know it's when I ask him "what's going on" because I just want to know if he's staying or going. He says I don't know. I say when might you know? And he just says I don't know again! Arrggh. I should get away with ds to my mum's or something and leave him to sort his head out for a few days, I said I'd do that last night but he said don't. He's out now playing footy (and I know that's where he is, his dad and brother are there too) so maybe that will help clear his head. I am so confused

It sounds harsh but the more you push, the more likely it is that he may pull away. It's an awful feeling though when someone you love so much may not feel quite the same about you (I know how that feels). It does sound like you've made him and your ds your life when you should have your own life too (if that makes sense), maybe it's time you did some things for yourself like joining a gym?

Sorry I don't have any real advice, but I do think some space for both of you to think might help.

Plus, although it may seem out of the blue to you, he's obviously been thinking about this for quite some time, even though he's said nothing.

I think some space would be a good idea. He may have said not to go but it is your decision to make. Keep in mind that for whatever reason, your DH doesn't seem to be thinking clearly and isn't prioritising your and your DS's happiness.

I'm sure it would be nice for your DS to go with you on a holiday for a few days and to remove him from what sounds like a highly emotionally charged sitation at home, while giving yourself some space.

It sounds like you are prepared to work hard to sort this out but it can't be you doing all the work. Your DH has to meet you half way and to enter into that commitment, he first has to decide to, IYSWIM?

You sound emotionally drained (it tends to happen while we're not looking!) and this is incredibly unhealthy. It is probably heightening your feelings of insecurity and confusion. Please look after yourself!

I'd ask him to go now. Be really strong, and bring this to a head. He needs to know he can't control your destiny in this horrible, cruel way. Show him now what he stands to lose.

Am also wondering about third party being involved. Don't get too hung up thinking he couldn't have time - it's amazing how creative they can be with time. I'd be highly suspicious of what he's up to on the computer - could he be contacting other women that way possibly?

Thanks so much for the replies.
He came back from football and gave me a hug, and said that he doesn't want to leave me and ds and that he was sorry. It's been ok for the rest of the day. I am happy but also at the back of my mind still worried.
I tried to talk to him again tonight about what had happened. He said he thinks it could be a throwback from christmas and that he was just worried that things aren't right between us. But he says that if they keep going the way they have the last week or two then they are right, and that it will be ok.

I am not sure what to do now - I am thinking of just carrying on making the effort like I was, but obviously if he has another episode like this for no reason - ie when I thought things were fine - then I guess I'd have to say this isn't on, especially because of ds. I am also going to try and have the odd bit of time out for myself, even if it's just joining a tennis club or something. DH doesn't get a lot of time out but he plays football sometimes and goes to watch football sometimes (not every week). Also he has the occasional evening out. I get a very rare evening out and that's it.

Hi zooropa, I went through exactly this a year ago. H used to tell me on roughly a monthly basis that he was unhappy and wasn't sure whether he should leave. I tried my hardest, he got worse and worse. Eventually I told him just to go, he did, and then all sorts came out about an OW who'd been lurking in the background for quite some time.

I remember it was emotionally torturous. I never felt totally secure. He used to make passive aggressive comments and hint that he might leave, it was awful. So much better once he actually did and I didn't have to think about it any more.

You can't put pressure on yourself to be perfect all the time or he'll go. It's draining, and unrealistic. You need support from him too. I think you're doing the right thing in starting to get more of an independent life. Then if he does suddenly go, you have more in your life to rebuild.

I do sympathise, the uncertainty is horrible.

Thanks snowpoint. I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I really hope it doesn't end that way - I did say yesterday that if he wants to go please, please just go and don't put me through this awful uncertainty.
I think that what is keeping me going here is the fact that I really haven't been whiter than white - I think the way I've been, especially over the last few months but generally over the course of our relationship too - has been wearing him down. I have been insecure and I hate to say it but a nag. Ok he's not perfect but he's been a good DH and father for the most part.

I remember saying exactly the same. I hope your situation doesn't end the same way but hopefully you can salvage things. Can you have some counselling? Either together or separately?

Try not to blame yourself for anything in the past, be aware of nagging, but don't avoid any confrontation for fear of upsetting him though, you can't live like that. Can you arrange some time together where it's just the two of you? Date nights, or a weekend away?

Sounds a bit like my h when he was having an affiar.

Hopefully he is not but i would advise that you get yourself some legal info anyway. It will make you see that whatever happens you will be ok and be able to cope.

You are scared of the unknown and he really isnt helping you here is he?

If you are prepared to wait it out if he has depression or is just unsure at the moment i would again advise you to do things for you - but be aware that you are allowing him to in some way control your future and that is very draining.

I changed a lot about myself before i knew what was going on - my h denied a third party for almost a year! I saw myself as a nag and was determined i wanted to change anyway no matter what. It was hard but i also think it gave my h the chance to see me in a better light and made the guilt on him even greater iyswim.

We are still working on our marriage but we are both doing it now.

You can only change yourself not him - but make sure you dont regret your moves.

Thank you.
He denies and denies that there is a third party, I really don't think there can be unless it's someone from work, and there is only 1 woman he works with anywhere near our age, and she is married to someone also in the company! The other thing is someone on the computer, a virtual thing or something - but I don't think so, though can't be sure of this.

Eithr way I am scared by the fact that others of you who are saying similar had DHs who were having affairs at the time. Counselling he has said would only be a last resort and now he is saying he's not going anywhere, so doesn't want this unless it gets bad again.

I will take on board that if I really disagree with him about something, I will sit on it for a bit so see if it's me being irrational (my gut reaction to things is often irrational, then when I've had a chance to think about them I often realise I'm being unreasonable). If I think - no, I'm not wrong here, I will bring it up in a nice way and see if ew can compromise, not overreact or get really upset which I have the tendency to do.

Then if he still doesn't like it, it really will be his loss

Thank you everyone, you've really helped.. I may be back on here from time to time to try and vent any feelings I have and to see if I am being unreasonable before approaching him with things thank you so much for listening.

Zooropa - like others, I read your thread and instantly thought "There is another woman". I hope you're right, but bear in mind that lots of us admit to only what others can prove.

I've known lots of people deliver the "I'm not happy.." speech (mostly men, I'm afraid) and in every single case, there has been an OW.

My H didn't articulate any unhappiness at all - but he was moody, irritable, stressed, angry and fault-finding. He denied any OW too when confronted. Like you, I wondered who it could possibly be, as I'd met all his female work colleagues and there had been no "mentionitis". The truth wouldn't have occurred to me at all - it was a slow-burning E mail and texting relationship with an old work colleague who had got back in touch via work E mail. She now lived and worked miles away. Consider the less obvious possibilities.

Hopefully we're wrong, but putting his head in the sand about counselling is not the right way to go. That said, counselling won't work while he's hiding another woman under the bed and perhaps he knows that and is afraid that a counsellor will uncover it.

Don't put your head in the sand either - confront this head on. You will feel worse if you find out later that you were being duped.

Thanks. What should I do then? Do you think I should try and find out what he's doing on the computer? I know some of the time he is working but ..
If so, does anyone technical know how to find a history when it hasn't been saved?
It would feel wrong, snooping - but after what you've all said I'm, thinking maybe I have no choice. It really can't be something irl unless he's lied about his working hours from getting this job! There have been no abscences that haven't been accounted for, he's not home late or anything..

Check the cookies on your computer. Check social networking sites. Check his car. The best clue of all is his mobile (check the log and frequently dialled numbers). Check phone bills if they exist.

Meant to add - nothing might be happening at the moment, but it might be brewing. It seems the more decent the person, the more likely they are to "create a gap" to allow the affair partner in, because they cannot justify infidelity until the marriage has been reduced (by them in fact, although they will take no responsibility for it, and blame it on your nagging).

Nothing untoward on facebook. I don't know how to check cookies, I don't know his email password. His phone is always in his pocket.. this isn't sounding good is it!
I'm really worried now. Also, if he's not up to anything and he knows I've been snooping then it will be curtains for us won't it!

Not necessarily. A person with nothing to hide will feel discomfited at snooping, but will understand. Best to check the phone at night when he's been (long) asleep. If you come against a password brick wall, you either guess what it is (bank pin number or key dates of birth) or give up for now and then invent a reason to "borrow" his phone. Watch his body language at this request and "work out" that you'll need the password to proceed. This requires an instant handover of said phone, it goes without saying.

He's always had the history set so as not to save on computer, for as long as I can remember - before any of this stuff started.

I am sure I am unreasonable some of the time, certainly, believe me.. about him going out sometimes, and I know that's not fair. Just because because I was so worried he'd meet someone or something, I guess I've always been afraid deep down he would leave, even when the only signs were that he loved me!
However I agree that lately he has been difficult too. I just thought that if I change things so that I know I am not the one at fault, if we are still not working then it's him, or it's just that we're not right for each other. I wish he knew how much he hurt me on saturday though.

And he doeasn't often admit he's been unreasonable, no - though he hinted at it the other day when he said he'd been grumpy and it wasn't my fault.

You can check on his browsing history, if you are on internet explorer: go into tools, then internet options, then browsing history settings, then "view files", it should come up with thousands of web pages.
Only regularly ( daily really) deletion of browsing history will remove all that information.

I delete everything once a month for security and getting rid of any spyware etc.

No - it doesn't work, I don't know how he's done it but even the pages I look at don't come up on view history. We're using firefox.

Do you have a private browsing facility on your Firefox? If so, not much you can do about this. Otherwise, go to tools, then options, then show cookies. If the default is shown to not save any history, change it - he might not even notice, but it's a risk.

Not saving history at all is a bit strange IMO. Clearing it after a month is normal.

What about the phone?