It's happening again, DH saying he doesn't know if he's going to leave

[Zooropa]

Short summary - the last few months have been very hard, we have argued a lot, DH told me a few months ago he wasn't happy and was concerned. We tried to work on things and they were a lot better for a while but over christmas we argued loads. I am insecure and don't have much in my life other than dh and ds, moved from away to be with him. He can be bad tampered and snappy with me and that doesn't help.

Anyway, after the horrid week over christmas I decided to change how I am with him and really try and sort out my insecurities, I thought I'd been doing really well, also he has been making the effort too and we have had (I thought) a great couple of weeks. But yesterday we had a meal out booked with his mum babysitting (a rare event) and at the last minute he said he didn't want to go, got upset and said he wasn't happy again.

Completely out of the blue - I said I thought things have been good and he kept saying he didn't know why he was feeling like this and that he didn't know what to do. We were both crying, I am so worried about poor ds who was there, we put the tv on for him but he must have realised what was going on.

Anyway, he is saying he wants to make it work but he doesn't know what's wrong as he agrees these 2 weeks have been good. I am so scared. I don't want to be a single mum, I love him, I know I have been a bit messed up especially the last few months but I really will compromise on almost anything for this to be ok. Where the hell do I go from here? He keeps saying he doesn't know what's going to happen. How can I behave normally and try and sort things out when I don't know if my husband is leaving or not? So scared

The only other thing is to download a keylogger which will record everything he types.

Heres something to try. Trust your DH. He told you there was noone else involved, you dont suspect there is. You admit to being very insecure. Why would you want to risk pushing him away even further by invading his privacy?

When I met my husband I was also very insecure. Didnt help that I fell pregnant within 7 weeks of being with him. We went through hell and back that first year, I was totally paranoid about everything he did. Luckily for me, he was very understanding.

The point here is that your OH is already unhappy. How can things be okay between you if you are not giving him the trust? Think about what you are doing.

It's weird to clear your history unless you're hiding something. That isn't the default setting on firefox. Unless you've got computer literate children in the house, I think that's odd behaviour

Not necessarily. With firefox, i regularly clear my cookies and history, never because I am up to anything, but because i do a lot of surfing in a day and it builds up, so firefox slows down.

I don't think that history/cookies does slow your browser down - my partner who is an IT expert doesn't think so. In any event, it's still odd to do it daily.

I wouldnt like to pass judgement on your partner as an IT expert then, sorry to say.

Browsing history is stored in the cache, the longer the cache is, each time a new line is added the slower your computer goes. Your history does not NEED to be cleaned every day but some people prefer to, especially if they do a lot of surfing, which the OP states her DH does.

Well I trust him more than a random (man?) on the internet about whose qualifications I know nothing and who advises a woman being put through emotional agony by her husband to have faith in him for being a decent bloke

The phone and computer activity are key here. Also read the thread on how to spot signs of an affair, it might ring some bells.

Sorry you are going through this, it's horribly unsettling, I know it well.

I would be the first pregnant man in history

I just dont jump on the 'man is evil, all are cheating scum' bandwagon. Having read all this thread, nothing strikes me particularly that he may be having an affair. Having been with someone whom was cheating, I am as aware of the signs as the next lady. My ex had his bit on the side under a so called old friends name whom was meant to live in South Africa, but just happened to call him from a local number...funny that.

THe reason I suggested the OP try trusting her man, is that I have also been the insecure one in a relationship as a result of being cheated on. As the OP states she believes it may be her insecurity that has caused the problems with their relationship, then starting to dig into her DH's private things is not going to do her any favours.

She needs to get her answers from him. Not from being underhanded.

Thank you. A lot of what you have said made sense, Forest - I need to trust him and believe what he is saying. I asked to look at his phone last night and he was annoyed, but let me - I said how could he be annoyed after his revelations at the weekend? But I have resolved not to push the snooping as I think Forest is right. If he is cheating (and I don't actually think he is) then it will come out somehow.
Things weren't great again last night because I was feeling really low, which is a shame after all my positive thoughts about how I was going to sort myself out. And I was expecting him to be all cuddly and nice after what he's put me through this weekend - but he wasn't really. I think he understands though, he understands that he has just shaken up my world and I need a bit of time before I can be completely back to "normal" (ie my new normal - how I've been the last couple of weeks).
But anyway, we'll see. I'll give this a really good shot. Oh and I am out playing sport tomorrow evening DH will be putting DS to bed! By the way he's 20 months.

ooh you could be me!

we've always had good and bad patches, but 11 days ago we were both on a particularly bad day, so when i got jealous and asked if he wanted to leave, he said he didn't know and he didn't know if he still loved me.

I am 100% convinced he is not having an affair, but he does have a new friend who has reminded him how to be happy and made it more apparent to both of us that we haven't been like that for a while.

A drunken talk last week (him not me) has made me convinced it is a whole pile of crap built up, plus depression (which he won't accept or get help for ).

we're seeing how things stand in 6 months, working on becoming friends again, doing more as a family rather than him and me-with-kids, trying to find us as individuals again, and i'm trying to get him some self esteem as i have pretty much worn it away over the years with the person I am when I'm depressed

i don't know what will happen. i'm hoping like hell we'll get through this.

so far there are good and bad days - more good than bad. Things are gradually getting back to normal rather than the walking on eggshells. On the good days I feel like old us in a good phase, but on the bad days it is when it was a low phase plus the added "How can you not love me any more?" feeling.

This time last week I was struggling to keep breathing. Today is a low day, so I ache, but not in the same way.

It will get easier.

We have agreed on honesty, oh and him telling me when I am being a bitch as I tend not to notice until after (that was my request, not his)

Sparrow, hugs - it's a hard place to be in. I hope everything works out for you.

I have just had a calm discussion with him but where I told him I didn't feel he was "trying" as much as I was. Possibly the wrong thing to do but I felt he was being distant whereas I am really trying to make the effort and I've just had enough. He said he's sorry and that it's just hard for him to snap back to how we were. I am seriously frustrated with this and am this close to going to my mum's, but I guess I do need to cut him some slack and remember that while I feel hard done by over the last few days, I am partly culpable for the arguments that contributed to the horid last few months.