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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My BF won't come home from the pub

58 replies

MILismad · 16/01/2010 20:42

I'm 28wks pregnant and have a little boy of 2 and everytime my BF goes to watch football or have a pint he refuses to come home, he will say he is not staying out late and his phone will be turned off or he will call me all the names under the sun if I ask him to come back, I'm so lonely I feel like I have nobody I cant call anyone because I dont want them to hate him my parents are sick of it and his mum sticks up for him I just want us to be a family and yet I face another night alone.

Also I had post natal depression and am starting to feel so low, just needed someone to tell

OP posts:
dittany · 16/01/2010 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MILismad · 16/01/2010 22:19

i cant believe im having another baby with him i am so stupid

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 16/01/2010 22:22

you don't need a man who calls you a fucking cunt. You would be better off on your own.

If I were you I would pack my bags and be gone when he gets home. Go to your parents. What's the point in hiding how awful he is? Do you really think that you and your kids deserve this? Are you not worth more than this? He doesn't love you, or he doesn't love you enough. He wouldn't treat you like this if he did. He will carry on doing it as long as you let him.

You can't throw your life away on this tosser.

3hourssleep · 16/01/2010 22:31

Phone your parents, and get some support. If one of your children was in a spot like this in the future wouldnt you like them to seek your support. If my DD was going through this on her own it would break my heart. You need people round you who love you.

Can you move in with your parents? At least you would be looked after, instead of being called a fucking c**t, while your at home pregnant, looking after his child, while hes on the piss.

Although you've mentioned your depression, you could do with getting a bit angry at this. I realise Im a fine one talking with the other thread I have on here, but Ive found taking action today has made me feel more positive about it. Sometimes we are stuck in a rut, and we never reach the breaking point, as we are so used to the situation. Start taking back some control, and make a plan on how you wont put up with this shit anymore, and stick to it.

MILismad · 16/01/2010 22:36

i want to leave but i cant hurt my parents my dad would go mental i cant tell him not to come home because i cant get hold of him

OP posts:
MILismad · 16/01/2010 22:42

im not going to let him come back he has just called me and they are just laughing at me down the phone i cant take any more he will be all sorry tomorrow like always im going to get into bed and have a cuddle with my baby and just ignore the door what else can i do

OP posts:
MILismad · 16/01/2010 22:44

i seriously cant call my parents as much as i desperately need them now i think my dad would go nuts he is having his own problems with his elderly parents and is at his wits end

OP posts:
dittany · 16/01/2010 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MILismad · 16/01/2010 22:47

28 he is awful he is a spoilt brat he obviously doesnt care about me does he

OP posts:
dittany · 16/01/2010 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MILismad · 16/01/2010 23:06

its mine but i cant afford it on my own as i got the mortgage before i had any kids and now i earn hardly anything im up shit creek without him really ill lose the house and wont be able to rent then if i have no credit rating

OP posts:
SrStanislaus · 16/01/2010 23:15

If you were my DD I would want to take care of you and help you through this troublesome time - no matter what you end up doing. If you are so sad now you need help now.
Phone your parents

Heeka · 16/01/2010 23:18

He sounds like such a tosser, and really shouldn't be able to get away with talking to you like that. You poor thing.

If he left, could you get a lodger to tide you over financially? Also, check out what being single would do for your benefits/tax credit situation, you might get more than you think.

MILismad · 16/01/2010 23:33

thanks i will x

OP posts:
NonVinaigretteRien · 16/01/2010 23:42

My goodness, milismad, sorry to hear you're going through this.

He is not treating you fairly. What he's doing is not right.

No practical advice, just sympathies.

muffymk · 16/01/2010 23:43

Hi there

My xh was similar . You have nothing to be ashamed about. He should be shamed not you! tell your parents. If you was daughter I would want to help you.

You cant change the way he is you can only change how you deal with his behaviour.

take care of you and your lil ones. fuck him!!

pithyslicker · 16/01/2010 23:47

I agree with SrStan and If you were my daughter I'd want to know what was going on, and if anyone called my DD a c*nt their feet wouldn't touch the ground.(as my Dad would say)

And I'm going to make sure my DD knows this!

MILismad · 16/01/2010 23:53

He has been binned i have decided enough is enough thank you all for the advice

OP posts:
MILismad · 16/01/2010 23:53

im off for cuddles with my baby nite nite all x

OP posts:
nipscouldcutglass · 16/01/2010 23:56

being spoken to like that is totally unacceptable. he definitely deserves to be binned.

x

mrsboogie · 17/01/2010 00:39

tomorrow he will give you the sorry bullshit in order to shut you up and keep you sweet so you will have sex with him and cook his meals and such until next weekend when he does it al over again. Please remember how sad and lonely you felt tonight and don't just let it slide in the hope that he won't do it again. He will.

This is 28 year old "man" calling you a cunt and laughing down the phone at his pregnant partner because she is lonely. He is no man.

If you put up with this you will look back in years to come and think yourself a fool.

Put your house on the market on Monday morning and tell him he isn't fit to be the father of your children.

EcoMouse · 17/01/2010 01:37

That is atrocious behaviour! How dare he call you names and how dare he and his friends have a laugh at your expense

You deserve respect, love and care and he is not showing you any, selfish little fucktwit.

While he keeps drinking like this and keeps the current company he does, he will not change. He probably wont if he hasn't by now, it sounds deeply ingrained.

You do deserve so much better. If you felt unable to call your parents 'in the moment' then at least arrange to see or speak with them tomorrow to ask for their support? Do not protect him! He doesn't deserve that. He didn't even protect you from his friends, he actively encouraged them by the sounds of it.

"i cant believe im having another baby with him i am so stupid"

No, you aren't. He's abusive and manipulative and while you keep thinking you are stupid, you will doubt your ability to walk away ...which no doubt suits him down to the ground.

ItsGraceAgain · 17/01/2010 02:47

MILismad, I just want to add my voice to the ones above. It makes me sad to do it. When you'll read this, you probably had a nice Sunday and all. But there's going to be that doubt inside you, isn't there, making you a little bit more nervous every time?

A few hours ago, you wrote:
"he has just txt me to say
'im havin a bit of dinner so deal with it'
and so i rang him and he said
'just because youre pregnant doesnt mean you can treat me like a dick headd and tell me to come home you f*king Cnt'
all this because i told him i am lonely and i need him."

Babe, nobody is OK to talk to you like this, ever

You wouldn't accept it from a colleague, a boss, a friend or even a stranger. You certainly shouldn't be sharing your life with someone who behaves like that towards you

From the other things you've posted, it looks like he thinks you're his mum. I feel sorry for her!!!

It's such a bummer that this has happened while you're pregnant - but, trust me, that boy is NOT going to turn into an ideal dad after DC2 is born! Get shot now, if not sooner.

Tough about the money, but that's why we have a benefits system

If you have a joint account, move all the money out of it NOW, into another account that only you can sign. Make an appointment with the CAB to find out your rights (and get help claiming extra money). It's unlikely you'll lose your house.

Oops, I left this reply half-written for so long, you've already said he is binned. You did the right thing. Go you!

And, good luck Get your friends around you; don't be afraid to ask for any help you need. People will understand. You're right, you know! x

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 17/01/2010 09:35

You won't be destitute. You can claim income support, child benefit, tax credits, council tax benefit, milk tokens and possibly interest relief on your mortgage. The CAB will advise you.

I felt so sad reading about him calling you to laugh at you and calling you a fucking cunt. My DH is not perfect and likes a drink but Oh My God The disrespect and contempt this man has for you You will never change him because fundamentally he thinks you are lower than him. I imagine that his mother brought him up as the little prince and he has grown up believing his wishes are the most important and everyone else has to shape round him, especially women.

I hope you didn;'t crack overnight but if you did, don't feel ashamed to post again - people know how hard it is and you just take it at your own pace.

Malificence · 17/01/2010 12:19

If someone treated my daughter this way, he would have to go into hiding .
You need some strong support to enable you to leave this horrible, abusive and selfish "man", in no way shape or form is his behaviour even remotely acceptable.

Your babies would be better off without him, his mum sticks up for him? I think a few home truths about him are needed.

You don't need him, I hope you find the strength to boot him out.

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