feel like there's nothing left to fight for

[farmvilleaddict]

i feel like my relationship is crumbling at my feet. i have been with my partner for 8 years. It wasn't the best of starts and its been a rocky road. We have a DC together and currently live together.

We;ve had to start therapy because of our problems. For months now i have felt like he has a constant chip on his shoulder with me. And yet he is friendly and chirpy with everyone else. Its a battle to get him to help me out around the house, its like he assumes its his job to work and mine to look after the house (even though i work myself, elbeit 20 hours a week).

Its a total nightmare, i've asked him to stay with his mum for a while to see what is wrong with him. but he refuses to go. This house is rented in my name and therefore i feel its him should go and leave me and DC here. If we went to stay with my dad DC and i would be sharing a very small box room.

Its got to the stage where i asked him last night in bed if he still loved me. His response was that it was a ridiculous question. I said i didn't think so. he's become really mean, sarcastic, passing remarks on my appearance etc (hates that i've cut my hair short). There has been no sex for months (i think the last time was in october). I've tried naughty underwear, romantic dinners, saucy texts etc. Nothing. He keeps making these remarks about my hair (sarcastic he says but i'm not so sure anymore) being crazy, he's too tired, its coz we're having problems etc.

This is the guy who used to be carefree, fun-loving, caring. He used to bring home champagne, DVD's, takeaways, flowers. Now there's nothing. I can't even get him to bring me home a pint of milk.

I feel like its got to the stage where there is so much resentment and anger that i don't know if it can be fixed. Many times i wonder if i'd be better off alone. Trouble is, when you have a child to him, its never going to be that siimple.

I'm plagued with self doubt and lack of confidence and i feel unable to make this decision by myself. I'd really appreciate any advice you can give x

I'm sorry you feel that way.

I guess only you know whether it has been a very sudden change or something that you feel has crept up over time - is he very unhappy (with life in general)? Because, imo, general unhappiness can contribute so much to relationship problems.

It does sound awfully as though you're the only one in the relationship (which as you recognise, is a contradiction in terms) - he's on another planet somewhere, or in another century perhaps. I would say drag him off to Relate, but from what you've said so far I don't fancy your chances of getting him there.

I think some legal advice is called for at this point to see what your rights are regarding him moving out of your house. See a solicitor if you can afford it, otherwise the CAB are generally good on this sort of thing (this is the second time I've recommended them this morning!). Once you know your rights you can negotiate from a position of strength.

Why is he like this tho? We only have your side to this story so why do you think he's behaving this way?

Chances of him having met someone else??

Sounds like he wants out but isn't big enough to say so. So he makes life increasingly difficult until you call time and then you're the 'bad guy'. Hence, he doesn't want to move out 'for a while' he wants out full stop. He's not being reasonable or even really communicating. And, sorry, but sarcasm doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Try saying the same words in a neutral tone. If it sounds rude, then it is!

Sounds like you're over-responsible and he's under. You are trying to get to the bottom of things and he's just trying to make it all your fault. This, coupled with him saying the right things (but not actually changing his behaviour) can start to make you feel like you're going mad very quickly.

My guess is that you would like the old DH back, the carefree one etc, and think that if he could just understand what you mean he would modify his behaviour. I wasted years of my life like this. Eventually I realised that it was his behaviour than counted, not what he was saying, and got out.

You might have to tell us more of the back story, but (and I'm sure you've wondered this yourself) could he be having an affair?

Have a look at this page. See if it resonates at all - and while you're on that site, look at the other pages in the "signs of cheating" series - others might fit more readily.

www.truthaboutdeception.com/catch_cheating/public/hostile_disengagement_signs.html

Your quantum of solace appears to be zero... You are getting nothing out of the relationship at all. He makes you unhappy and appears unhappy. It sounds as if you've tried to get to the bottom of things; how is his job? His health?
Don't forget your DC will pick up on how you are both feeling sooner or later. Parents who are happy apart do a better job than miserable bitter parents staying together 'for the children'.

Meant to say - his response to the "Do you love me?" question is telling. He doesn't want to take responsibility for saying "No" or even "I don't know", so deflects it with blame on to you for even asking it.

Have a look at this - and see if it resonates even more, based on what Secrets has said (waves to Secrets)

www.truthaboutdeception.com/catch_cheating/public/feeling_trapped_signs.html

Ok i'll try to give more detail without snowing u under with 8 years worth!

We met when he'd just split from ex. They had a daughter who'd just turned 1. Seems they argued constantly. He said she was shallow and selfish etc etc. I hung around whilst he got over it all. I fell in love on they way but was never truly happy because it always felt like he wasn't giving me 100% (hope that makes sense).

He's always dragged his feet when it came to commitment-type stuff. We moved in together after i did all the leg work (really, while i moved in to the house he was at work). I moaned at him that much that we eventually got engaged after 6 years but even that felt like a sham because i had t nag at him to do it. He freaked out when i found out i was pregant with DC (although he adores him now).

His communication style is to complicate things. instead of listening that "what" i'm saying, he picks on the "way" i'm saying it. I'm a fair bit more educated than him and he says i use too many complicated words and i get frustrated at him because he's cracking up when i use words like "copious" or "ambiguous". He can talk the talk when i explain what i need from him but he never follows through with things, or else he will do it for a while and then hey presto, he reverts straight back and the cycle of arguments starts all over again. for a long while i resorted to writing him letters to avoid the arguments that ensued when i tried to talk to him. It seemed to work for a while, as he had no choice but to listen to my whole viewpoint before reacting. He even wrote a few to me, but again, promises were made and broken.

I suppose you could say i don't trust him to follow through with his promises any more and so when i hear them, i think they are worthless and shallow. Maybe that's wrong of me? But at this stage i don't know what else to do. I was abused by a male relative and already find relationships difficult, but every time i'v ended up in therapy over this, my therapists tell me i'm very grounded and rational.

Even tho i feel like he's drinving me round the bend

When was the champagne and flowers interlude then? Was it always you making the running?

whenwillifeelnoraml...

loving the nickname by the way

I've read the 2 links you provided there, thank you. He does tick a lot of the boxes on both of these areas but i don't think he is the cheating type.

For one thing he works too much and he is at work when he says he is because i phone his office number.
Secondly he doesn't really socialise and when he does its with family. My friend is engaged to his brother so i know she would tell me if she's seen anythign suspicious.
Thirdly he doesn't have any hobbies except computer games, which he plays at home.

this paints a very sad picture of a man with no life

So what do you think about an affair then? Sounds to me as though he might have left his last relationship because he wanted an affair with you?

Annie...yes i've always done the running in our relationship (sadly) and i feel like i'm still doing it.

The champagne and flowers were a long time ago (before birth of DC). Since then he has become increasingly disengaged, unless i tell him things are getting bad and then he makes a little effort for a short while.

Whenwillifeelnormal...i never knew him when he was in his last relationship. I met him out one night when his brother dragged him out to stop him moping aroudn the house. They'd been split up by then.

His mum cheated on his father and it nearly destroyed the whole family. The aftermath is still affecting them today. Because of this he is really anti-cheating and has been very vocal about this since i've met him.

He's a very blunt man and says he wouldnt' be annoyed with all the flaffing around involved in an affair. Assures me that if he ever meets someone he wants to have an affair with, he'd sooner finish with me rather than go to the effort of a double life.

WWIFN, she said they met after he'd just split from previous GF. In hindsight maybe one should wonder whether the xgf's alleged shallowness and selfishness were something like her expecting to be treated decently, making her own mind up about how she should style her hair etc. Maybe he's just somebody who isn't very good at relationships. As soon as he feels secure he stops bothering. He can do with a (virtual) boot up the bum by the sound of it - preferably on his way out the door.

Hmm, heard a few cases of vocally anti-cheating partners doing it themselves, on here not so long ago, so that isn't necessarily indicative. But there are certainly more reasons than that for mood swings. Drink's another, as is computer games addiction, or just being a gloomy sod.

I think you have your answer: you've always done all the running. I hate to say it, but what right have you to expect anything from a man who you had to practically persuade to be with you? Sadly you are reaping what you have sown, you have clearly put a lot of energy and effort into the relationship which makes it heartbreaking for you now, but you can't change people. He is who he is, a bit of a twat by the sound of it. He's not going to suddenly become a better person because you wanted to be with him, or because you want him to make an effort now.

You just need to stop trying, stop the sexy undies, stop the running about like a blue arsed fly trying to keep everything together. It's YOUR house, tell him to move out, and the start realizing how much easier your life is now you only have one child to take care of instead of two.

That'll have to do until SGB comes along. I'm really sorry you're hurting right now, but it sounds like you picked a dud, and you kind of knew from the outset what he was like. I think you need to do something about your self esteem and work out why you settled for so little for so long. Sorry if that sounds harsh.
x

vicky...harsh but probably true so it needed said.
Sometimes i'm so sure i need to give myself a kick up the backside.

I also knwo i'm terrified of being alone. my self-esteeem is zero and is being made even worse by the fact that whenever i look ahead, i don't see him changing and i see this never ending cycle of crap.

I do feel sorry for you because it must be pretty miserable but unfortunately you should have taken the hint ooh, 8 years ago. This man doesn;t love you. He's Not That Into You. He gave in to your pursuit because he presumably fancied his meals cooked and his washing done, and in his worldview any woman will do, really.
Now the myths of romance and 'soulmates' and all that shit are a fair bit to blame for situations like this, but there is a lesson you have to learn here: you can;t make someone love you, and it;s not only pointless but unethical to try. Sort out your legal position, get rid of him, and don;t waste any more of your life.

FWIW my ex wasn't having an affair, just blaming me for his mistakes and his misery. And not out loud or in any way I could challenge. It sends you mad. I have even had therapists and counsellors telling me what I needed to do (as opposed to him). I turned myself inside out trying to do, act, be whatever it was to make things right again. In some ways I wish he was as it would have felt much more clear cut.

Waves back to WhenwillIfeelnormal

Thank you all so much. I'm just so tired of this lonely lonely relationship. I'm only 26 FFS, i should be happy. I've spent the last 8 years of my life running after this man trying to change him so that i can be happy.

I don't think he is a relationship type of guy, he's just too selfish to give whats needed.

Been reading the thread on how good it is to be single. Its' certainly stopped my stomach from churning so much at the idea

The man you're describing is the archetypal emotionally retarded man. Would he describe himself as a "bloke's bloke" I wonder?

Men whose mothers were unfaithful often end up this way - they don't really like women or value them. They view women as suitable for certain purposes (sex, children, domestic work) but they don't see women as equals and wouldn't dream of opening up to one about emotional issues. Not that they open up to men either - because they tend to keep company with similarly emotionally retarded cronies who have similar views of women. A woman who is more intelligent than him confuses his view of womens' value - so he derides her for it and pokes fun at her, rather than admit his own intellectual deficiencies.

The only hope for a man like this is a superbly emotionally intelligent male counsellor. They wouldn't value the opinion or expertise of a woman counsellor - and in real life, they regard emotionally intelligent men with suspicion and homophobia.

Leave with your dignity intact. You cannot save him and cannot change him. Sort your own issues out and realise that you were an ill-matched pair right from the start. You might have been attracted to him in the first place because he was so resolutely male and he appealed to your need for a "strong" male to take care of you. You probably actually need an emotionally intelligent partner - but I'd advise you to spend some time on your own first and don't beat yourself up for choosing badly - it happens and forgive yourself for it.

You are young. You have your whole life ahead of you. I, too, have tried and tried and tried/done all the running etc in my marriage. But I have been the only one that cared. It is my second marriage, have 1 DS from 1st marriage and 2 dc from this marriage. I have hung on for years in this especially as it was my second marriage/two lovely children etc. After two years of marriage, when we had 1 dc he was going to leave me and said he didn't love me. But I was naive and didn't really believe him as he stuck around. Eight more unhappy years and I am 8 years older. You can't make someone love you and particular men, like my H, I do not think are really capable of loving and actually caring about another human being.

You've described him to a tee there!!!!

And that was the reason i was attracted to him. I was at a low point in my own life and needed someone to "take care of me".

I feel like he is in no way emotionally intelligent and yes he gets homophobic about emotionally intelligent men.

Thank you for your kind and very wise posts. It has helped me so much today.

Im glad for you taht you are so youmg, you haven't wasted too much of your life yet. Please don't waste any more: remember that being single is absolutely fine (much better than wearing yourself out in an attempt to force someone to love you) - and if you do meet another man, if he loves you, you will know. Because he will be kind to you and make you feel happy.

Thank you SGB. You obviously have a great reputation on these threads for good reason.

Now i just gotta find the strength to do what i need to do.