Anyone had to live with partner whilst seperating because...

[jeminthecellar]

Because it is horrible..

DH has made it clear he and I are over..this was in November. I accept this, although I believe we could work things through with help, but accept he doesn't actually want to.

We are still in the same house. Have 3 lovely DCs, I have been a SAHM for the last 6 years, since 3rd DC was born.
Basically, we can't live seperately until I get work, so I am applying for pt jobs .

It is just so hard- my main focus is coping on a daily basis, keeping things calm and normal for the DC, and trying to find a PT job that I can do.

Sometimes he is really horrible- I don't want to sound like a little victim, I can stand up for myself- but he can be quite nasty to me, and has done this in front of DC on occasion.

Anyway, please come and tell me this won't be forever, I will find work and he will fuck off to a new abode..

God yes - we were in the same house for over two years while divorcing. We were in the same bed for about a year of it. We were still sharing a house for four months after the divorce was finalised, while we sorted out accommodation. We'd still be there yet if it was up to him. And yet (though he totally denies it now) he was the one who first said the marriage was over, and rang his sister in my hearing to tell her we were divorcing and all the details about how it was going to work, which was actually the first I'd heard about it. Pity he didn't mean it, because it sounded so good that I decided to go for it! At least your STBXH is the one who's keen to split, so there's hope you can get it sorted in a far shorter time.

It's hell. I was on ADs for the last year. Confused the life out of the DCs. XH being ghastly and sweet by turns, hoping to either bully or charm me back into the box. I had three months off work with depression, which didn't help much because it meant being at home with him, so I went back with a whacked brain; eventually I lost the job, because although they were understanding for a long time it just dragged on and on beyond what any employer would put up with.

I could bore for England on the various things that made life totally intolerable. Perhaps the worst thing was realising that I had been complicit for years in keeping myself and DCs in such a situation. All I can say is: it's over now, I'm in my own place, I'm off the ADs and life is, if not amazing, recognisable as a life, for all of us.

Thankyou so much for replying...that sounds awful, but it's nice to hear from someone who is out the other side, iykwim.

It's funny, he wants us to split up, yet is doing nothing about it. I think he would be happy for me to just sort everything out...so all he did was..well, what he has always done..FA! He has started to sleep on the sofa, but we have been sharing a bed which was horrible.

Thanks Annie.. just what I neede to hear..

Good luck, Jem. May I suggest you toddle along to your local CAB and start finding out what support (benefits and maintenance) you would be entitled to on separation? You might find that you didn't have to wait to get a job first before things can move on. Then you can go about setting a date for him to move out. I bet that concentrates his mind wonderfully.

Mumsnet, please note we need an evil smiley.

It won't be forever - I'm in a similar position - except it's me that's going to be moving out (long story - best option for both of us) but I can't do that until we've got the money sorted for my deposit and first months rent for a rental place. Going to be end of April at the earliest that I'll be able to move out - so for now we're still here together.

Thankfully my H isn't being horrible and we're getting along as friends (just absolutely nothing on the "relationship" front.

oh and thankfully we're not in the same bed - partly due to DS3 waking during the night so we spent alternate nights on the sofa bed in his room.

Again, I went through it jem, and it is hard. Go for the CAB advice.
You might be surprised that things can be changed sooner than you thought and you need the space to sort your emotions and feelings out as well as the practical stuff.

Just thinking of you, it IS really tough but it does start to get easier and there will be a lot of practical advice and support on here.

Take care..

My H has told me for years he doesn't want to be married. He has really messed with my head because I am a straightforward kind of person and what you see is what you get generally with me. Whereas my H is Narc and manipulative. The divorce word has always been thrown around from the start. He left for a year in 2007 and cam! He has sent me a solicitor's letter re. divorce and then says he doesn't really want a divorce (not anything to do with love, family etc these are not important to him). He doesn't want to be with me but we go through phases of him insisting on sleeping in the bed for the principle of it because he pays the bills. Absolute misery but still I am standing on the edge not taking the leap forward. And yes, I have been a victim in my situation.

i'm another who had to endure almost a year of living under the same roof as exh
and yes mine was also nasty and abusive and did FA about finding somewhere to live
i would def.get things moving yourself and make an appointment to see a good family law solicitor,they usually offer a free 30 mins session
if he's not actively looking for somewhere to live then contact all the local rental agencies yourself and have them mail him directly with their latest lists
i would also be inclined to contact the tax credit helpline to discuss your situation as you are separated now and by rights any child tax credit due should be transferred to your name and often they will backdate this too
there is life after all this misery,but it takes a long time to get there sadly
tho he doubtlessly thinks he's hurting you by staying under the same roof he's not considering the feelings of his dcs one bit here

Jem - so sorry. You might remember we communicated about your dear sis a few months ago. I'm so sorry that you're now having angst too. I've never been in this situation, but would find that very hard to live with tbh. Do you think that there might be a bit of you still sticking with this situation because you hope he will change his mind? I'd understand that, you see - and it's ok to admit that on here.

sorry to hear it jem.
i had the same problem, although not as cut-and-dried because he didn't seem to be able to accept it was over even though it was his idea....
he basically said we were over in the autumn, so we had separate beds. then he decided he didn't like being on his own so we went back to sharing. but it was hell (no intimacy or anything). and his attitude was horrid and nasty anyway. so eventually i got together with someone else in the following spring/summer and had to livein the same house for abour 4 weeks because i didn't want to rush my new relationship (my only option re: accommodation was to move in with new man). it turned out to be the best thing all round, though, so hang on in there.
you could always try to get council housing on benefits..

Wow- thanks for all the replies.

WhenWill- yes I do remember- it was just after that happened. He has carried on the affair btw, over Xmas, stayed with OW- he has now said he thinks the affair is coming to an end- she has told him to go sort himself out, she is not prepared to talk now until he has made some sort of decision..(this is to do with my sis btw, not me)

Part of me wants our family to stay together as he has a history of depressive type illness, after our youngest was born he slept on the sofa for a year..didn't know if he loved me etc.. and I suppose it is difficult as now I have to face and accept a different fuure..all my security has been ripped away. He has never wanted to sort out any problems, communication in general has been hard with him, but I poersevered because i wanted it to work ...

Thanks nickelbabe, aseriously,mitsubishi,and Awassailing(hope I havn't missed anyone out).

I Have been to CAB- met with a family lawyer yesterday. I guess I want to get a job so it eases financial pressure and therefore general harmony for the kids. The thing I want is for them not to suffer anymore than they already have, from our crap relationship.

We live in a small village- I have a lot of friends and a really good social support network- the kids have all their friends here. Obviously if in the end he refuses to move out then I will go and rent somewhere, but I am hoping, as he wants to split up, that he will go and rent somewhere himself. However, I think his idea of seperating is ME just fading away somewhere, so he doesn't have to worry his big fat arse about actually DOING anything.

Yes I had to live in the same house as ex h for nearly a year after we separated as he wouldn't move out until our house sold & the sale completed, & at times I felt I was going out of my mind.
It is horrible as even though you have made the decision to separate, you don't feel free of them at all.

I used to keep myself as separate as I could in the house (luckily we lived in a town house so weren't too on top of each other), but he would still get under my skin & play his mind games. Don't know where I would have been without MN at the time.

I have now been in my own house for 2 & a half years, am divorced & very happy in a new relationship, so things have got so much better, but I remember that 11 months of hell so well! Feel free to look up my old threads. (I used to post as Lemmingswife & messyoldmess at the time)I really hope things move on quicker for you.

Thankyou pinkchampagne.

We have to spend some time together because of the children, but otherwise I try to be in a different room, or go out etc.

It's just so horrible and so hard to keep everything together, but in a way it's a relief that he has finally been honest about how he feels- I've been clinging onto something that didn't actually exist for years..well that is how it feels.

What really upsets me is him saying twatty things....

like tonight..he is refusing find somewhere else to live even thought he is the one who wants to split up- 'I don't see why I should leave a house that I have furnished with MY money'...but we are married, he worked, I left my profession to care for the children, we were a family unit...he has never been funny about money before now..but...even though I know what he says is twattish, it's still upsets me.

God I really need to grow a backbone and develope a sense of self...sorry, just venting..thank god he has gone out to see a friend..he can be horrible when he drinks..but I know all about that, I don't drink as I am in recovery.

It's just difficult, thanks everyone for your replies, it helps just writing this stuff down

Hi Jem ('tis me, used to be FTE!), we have talked about his already but I'm sorry you're still going through this. I was stuck in the same house with my ex for eight months and it was so, so hard. I moved into the spare room (after he kept trying it on every night!) and worked my way through five series of 24 on DVD. We ended up cooking separately, and barely speaking except in front of the DCs. Nightmare.

The tricky thing is that you can't get housing benefit if you've got equity in a house above £16,000. I moved out in the end because I just couldn't stand it any longer, and it's cost me a fortune in rent. Even though ExH and I were separated and divorcing, and I wasn't living there or paying the mortgage, the benefits people just looked at it as 'savings' so I got nothing. Had to borrow from friends and make huge compromises but it was worth it to be out of the atmosphere. If I were you I would put all my energy (and I know it's a struggle, the situation is so bloody depressing) into getting some work so that you can be financially independent.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise. It takes time and this really is a case of a day at a time . Feel free to rant anytime.

Hi Jem
I had 3 years in the same house while the divorce went through. He initally decided it was over and then changed his mind and refused to move out or sell the house, which was in joint names.

To force the issue i had to sue for unreasonable behaviour. That got me the decree nisi but I couldn't make it absolute until the financial settlement was decided - which it couldn't be until he agreed (was forced by the court) to sell the house.

Then the property slump of the early 1990's came and we could'nt find a buyer

So for almost 3 years we lived as strangers under the same roof putting on a brave face for the children and I disapeared to spend every evening watching TV in what used to be our spare room

It was one of the most depressing periods of my life.

Everything was 'on hold' waiting for the decree absolute. No point gardening or decorating or doing anything at al in a house that would soon not be mine.

I now have my own home (in my sole name) and I wil never put myself in that position again.

There is light at the end of the tunnel - although it seems a long way off at times.

Sieve the initiative and get matters moving. He sounds as though he hasn't thought of the consequences at all.

Best wishes

I've been doing this for over a year, although the end is in sight - I should have moved into my own place by the end of this month. It has been a strain, very stressful, depressing, demoralising, has reduced me to tears (not in his presence though) many times. I waited six months for him to agree to attend mediation, then two months later he agreed to pay me some of the equity in the house, I had an offer accepted on a house early Sept and it has taken an AGE to go through

It's been tough on the girls, now 10 and 12, and they can't wait for this phase to be over too. One of the hardest things for me at first was that I initiated the split, he refused to accept it, and would follow me around the house determined to talk about my failings, my selfishness, how I was ruining his life and the children's, and so on and so on... He has almost got over that now, though he will still have a go at me in front of them.

Financially, the present situation is very unfair. I spoke to a solicitor who thought I was dancing to his tune and shouldn't move out, but I simply don't have the strength to fight him while I am living here. I'm trying to raise two happy, intelligent, well-adjusted children and hold down a demanding, full-time management job. There's only so much of me to go round.

Once I'm out though, he can expect the sh*t to hit the fan...and serves him right for putting his own wishes before what is best for the children.

Thankyou everyone for sharing your experiences with me...it has really helped in terms of helping give me the strength to cope, and the hope that I know in time this will be sorted.

You have all been incredibly strong.

It does help to know that people have been in this situation and have come out the other side, or are about to come out of it.

I do wish he wouldn't be horrible to me though- I accept it is over, I am trying to find a job, but i am finding it all really hard. Having a 'go' and running me down just makes it all harder, but then I've got to get on with it...thanks again everyone .

My ex refused to believe we were splitting up, despite us having an irretrievably awful marriage that we'd "given another chance" two years earlier. Even when the divorce petition arrived (not a happy morning) my ex was still convinced I had a difficult case of PMT and would "come to my senses". The 6 months we spent apart but together under the same roof was probably one of the most stressful in my life - and I don't readily do stress. Watching the children (then 6 & 5) gradually losing respect for their father wasn't nice either.

I hate to say this but the only way things moved forwards (emotionally and practically) was when I rented a tiny and highly ramshackle cottage in the next village and me and ds1 & 2 moved in. Once I'd actually left ex and I were able to sort out the former matrimonial house - he bought me out as it happens.

I know how much harder it is to deal with the practicalities of physically separating when you live in a rural area. But if there is any way of moving out, I'd take it. If necessary by renting an estate cottage (or similar) temporarily.

You'll get through this though and life will be good!

Pikelet that sounds awful.

I may have to move out- but my main concern is that I have no savings, and no money, for a deposit and first months rent etc...I literally have no money- I get the CB and CTC each month but I generally spend it on food, clothes and activities for DCs etc.

Hi, Jem, just wanted to add my support fwiw. I did this twice - no kids, thank goodness, but it was a big mistake. There are so many little habits & routines that go with sharing your lives & home for so long - there's a strange reluctance to snip all that off in one go. Trouble is, it all ends up feeling twisted & corrupted iykwim? It's a bad thing.

I no longer believe it's possible to "let go gently". It just prolongs the agony, and makes life harder. Your children must be feeling the strain, even if they're trying to be brave. I think it'd be a better option to think more laterally about how to split. If you can't get him out, find out what you could rent & check out your options with the CAB. Do you know anybody that could lend you a place for a few months? Anyone you could stay with temporarily? Could you hire a removal firm, pack his stuff & change the locks??

Good luck, however you go ...

Yes, I agree about the ending up feeling twisted and corrupted, and prolongong the agony- you are dead right. That is what is happening- he is becoming increasingly verbally nasty towards me, and his moodswings are more pronounced. I just feel like a zombie...or that is, I try NOT to feel, iyswim? Cos then I can carry on doing all the day to day stuff and cope..

And the children..I try so hard to be normal, but sometimes I cry 'because I'm just tired'- eldest now rolls his eyes when I say it.

God- it's so bloody awful. I have been filling in an application form online tonight...it's the only way I can think of (getting a job) that can help us.

And thanks for the message- it's just great to know there are others out there who understand .

I have a question for you all as I think you're probably the most qualified to answer it!

After six years of an unloving marriage completely lacking in any emotional or sexual interest from my H, I've decided to get out. We separated just before Xmas and are in separate rooms. However, he's going for counselling and is begging for another chance - this will be his fourth in 18 months.

The thing is, I don't think I fancy him anymore. I love him, but don't think I am in love with him.

My question is, How do you know it is over.

I am absolutely petrified of what the future holds, but am desperate for happiness.