Anyone had to live with partner whilst seperating because...

[jeminthecellar]

Because it is horrible..

DH has made it clear he and I are over..this was in November. I accept this, although I believe we could work things through with help, but accept he doesn't actually want to.

We are still in the same house. Have 3 lovely DCs, I have been a SAHM for the last 6 years, since 3rd DC was born.
Basically, we can't live seperately until I get work, so I am applying for pt jobs .

It is just so hard- my main focus is coping on a daily basis, keeping things calm and normal for the DC, and trying to find a PT job that I can do.

Sometimes he is really horrible- I don't want to sound like a little victim, I can stand up for myself- but he can be quite nasty to me, and has done this in front of DC on occasion.

Anyway, please come and tell me this won't be forever, I will find work and he will fuck off to a new abode..

How about suggesting you go for couples counselling? With Relate or another specialist, NOT his individual counsellor. This way you can both be sure you made the effort. A counsellor won't 'push' you to stay together, but it might be illuminating for each of you to hear the other out in a safe setting, iyswim.

I too am getting divorced (citing EA) with us both under the same roof. We haven't shared a bedroom (or bed!) for 18 months (I moved into the spare), I asked him to leave but he won't as he pays the mortgage and won't leave the kids. So have to make do until the solicitors/mediation finds the way forward as we both want house and kids.

I'm on ADs and very uncomfortable at home - if we are in the same room we mostly bicker ... On the upside its making me go out and about more which is mentally doing me good!

I work p/t so also have breathing space there... but it is all a bit grim, like riding a rollercoaster but I'm focused on the light at the end of the tunnel..

Stay stong. You are not alone. x

Hi Jem and all of you.

I've been in the same situation for 6 months now and facing probably another 6 months at least.

I feel I am getting to the end of my tether with it. I have looked at all avenues for moving out but can;t afford it. Today I was told I can;t apply for HB unless I have signed a tenancy agreement - which I couldn;t possibly do unless I was sure I would get HB. It's madness.

H won;t move out as he wants to buy me out of the house, so here we are.

My concern and I'd like to know if others share it, is I think it is doing more harm than good, especially to DS.

We haven;t told him anything really - what have you told your DC, if anything?

Well, XH told them I was leaving them all to go and live with another man, so I was pretty much forced to tell them the truth otherwise they would have felt worse than they already did. Truth was that I found it impossible to live with him any longer for many, many reasons, some of which weren't fit for young ears . I had to move out whether they hated me for it or not - it was that or be carried out in a straitjacket, probably after committing murder. It was at least a couple of months before they actually realised I wasn't leaving THEM - just their father, and they were welcome to come and live with me if they wanted, or to take turns in each house (DS4 didn't get the choice, we agreed 50-50 residence). He had told them I was abandoning them all, of course.

I did try not to slag him off, I really did, but the things he said about me were so awful I couldn't deny them without effectively demonising him IYSWIM. After a while I realised he was messing with their heads too, and had to advise them to take a lot of what he said with a pinch of salt. Felt bad doing it, but he is kind of barkin' and it was impacting badly, especially on DS4. He was terrified of being on his own and using any kind of underhand methods to try and keep them with him. I pointed out that knowing he is mentally, er, confused isn't any reason not to love him; that he does love them but is not always able to show it appropriately; and that just because he's a bit mad doesn't mean he is always wrong, any more than the fact that I'm less mad means I'm always right. Also he is entitled to make the rules in his own house, just as I am. It's a difficult balancing act. I don't think there is a way of doing it right exactly, and yes, I have spouted off too often in front of the older ones. I do believe in honesty, but leavened with tact. Easier believed in than delivered. Still, they did say they wanted to know, and now they know...

Bah, I edited my last for about 20 mins and still left some ambiguity in the last paragraph. XH is the one who was terrified of being left on his own, thus putting guilt trips etc on DS4 to keep him there. Backfired, of course, as they all live with me now. I am sorry for the mad old man but none of us can live with him.

I haven't said anything to my 2 although they do comment that we always argue and I know they feel the tension sometimes. I don't know whats right and what isn't but my thinking at the moment is that as H is about to go away for 3 months for work (HURRAH!!!)it wouldn't be fair to tell them before he goes and for him to then disappear for 3 months - that he should be there after we've told them to support them and let them get used to the idea that he won't be living with us but will still be apart of their lives.

That said, we haven't discussed anything and I know he bad mouths me to the kids, but I try and stay on an even kiel and not rise to the bait.

That said, I sound very reasonable writing this - but I have my moments I can tell you!!!

Any advice on the 'right time' to tell them very welcome!

I'm in the same situation but I am really struggling having had years of misery/abuse/H alcoholic etc. I now find that I am turning into the abusive person. My marriage has all been about control and my H's power over me (financially/emotionally/physically for many years), and there are years of anger and hurt and resentment in me. I am in counselling but I feel pretty despairing today about how I am ending up behaving badly and displaying behaviour I have been the victim of for years. My H is narcissistic and very manipulative and it looks now that he will make the case that I am the 'baddie' in my situation - even though in the past, through his behaviour, the authorities were involved once. I cannot get out of this situation immediately due to finances. I think it is definitely best, day to day, to try not to even sit in the same room as the other person. Speaking personally - it is hard for me, remembering all the horrible stuff he has done to me over the years.

I'm in a similar situation. H decided we were splitting up(but not divorce). He put the house on the market, joint owned. His secret affair wasnt going the way he planned it so he stayed put. But he's just an empty shell. Only interested in himself.

Over the years I have tried to get him to talk but he refuses. Gradually, I have moved out of the bedroom, stopped washing, cooking and shopping for food for him. We virtually ignore each other. I work part time and have a very frugal existence. He works as a breakdown truck driver, is a very high earner and has opportunity to meet plenty of available women.

I want the house sold, so I can be on my own, he is refusing. If I go ahead and put it on the market he wont guarantee that he will sign when the time comes "Depends what mood he's in at the time"!! I am ground down; have no energy or fight/anger in me. I have learned to cope and function with the way things are - just so long as no one comes into my world and sees how things are. If I force things that he doesnt want he will be awkward and drag it out and there will be less chance of me getting my own place. I'm too old for another mortgage so I'm a bit stuck.

By lilac21 Sat 16-Jan-10 23:54:40

"One of the hardest things for me at first was that I initiated the split, he refused to accept it, and would follow me around the house determined to talk about my failings, my selfishness, how I was ruining his life and the children's, and so on and so on... He has almost got over that now, though he will still have a go at me in front of them.

Financially, the present situation is very unfair. I spoke to a solicitor who thought I was dancing to his tune and shouldn't move out, but I simply don't have the strength to fight him while I am living here. I'm trying to raise two happy, intelligent, well-adjusted children and hold down a demanding, full-time management job. There's only so much of me to go round."

I could have written that 2 years ago. Was 7 months before I moved out. In the meantime we went through a court case with him as defendant and me as plaintiff/witness.

Autumnlight - you and I sound very similar. I had therapy too. It was very tough and painful at times but it helped me a lot - enough to make me able to go out to work and keep functioning whilst all the crap was going on.

It also helped my mind stop going over and over everything all the time. Now it just does it some of the time!

I can also identify with the 'years of anger, hurt and resentment'. Nows the time to let it out - get it off your chest. You will feel better for it.
I know I need to run a different outlook and vocabulary in my head and hoping everyone on MN will be able to contribute to it So thats a new thread.

A quick hug to everyone on this thread.

Autumn light - I too found myself becoming like him - I just felt so angry about everything and he took every advantage, pointing out all my shortcomings.... but it was a phase and I seem to be out of it now. Just knowing that we are divorcing and there is light at teh end of the tunnel is what I remain focused on.

I hope its the same for you. x

Hi all
I know it's a bit late but wanted to join your thread! DP and I have decided to separate but he has refused to moved out of our jointly rented home so am forced to find somewhere for DS, dog and I to live. It hasn't been that long but I'm already feeling the strain. He is staying out a lot,which is good, drinking, which is bad. We are still sharing a bed...he stinks!!!

I have the money to rent somewhere but so few properties available right now. I've just missed out on another property and am feeling a bit low....just want a new start but fear it is going to take an age

How are those of you who are still stuck doing??

Welcome lions etc! Hope you find yourself a new place soon.

I'm still stuck, still waiting, still hoping - have given the people I'm buying a house from a deadline of Fri 5th to exchange contracts and my solicitor has put it in writing to theirs. We are both ready to exchange, but they somehow haven't got around to signing the contract. I have told the DDs, who are as fed up with the wait as I am, that if this house purchase doesn't go through then we will rent somewhere for six months and keep looking. I was hoping not to move them twice but it's better than staying here.

Violet, I wish my ex was going away for three months - that would be bliss!

Keep strong, we can get through this.

I agree lilac...3 months without him, joy!

Now I know my situation isn't as awful as some (some stories are truly heartbreaking). However why is it he has to be such an arse!!

This evening was my weight watchers meeting, my social event of the week , I had already checked with him that it was ok for me to go and for him to look after DS, yes fine. I ALWAYS leave between 6:15/20 (he finishes work at 5 and is usually home by 5:15). Except for today of course when there is no sign of him, so arrange with Mum for a lift and get DS ready, as we are heading down the road up he strolls stinking of booze....KNOB!

So couldn't stay for my meeting and I suppose he feels smug now for making things difficult.

HURRRAH, YEAH, HURRAH - He's finally gone for 3 months (sorry ladies {wink]!!)

I have had 2 of the calmest days in years! I had to take him to the station, first he told me I'd better step on it if he was going to make the train, so I sped up.... minutes later I should slow down as if he missed this train he could always catch the next.....

That said, its given me a taster of how the kids will react as they were very upset and although have rallied well (they are used to him travelling for work) they are missing him.... its made me feel bad

But I'd be alot sadder if I had to stay with him. I have been able to read a Sunday paper (sitting down relaxing is a crime when I could be doing housework)load the dishwasher AND the fridge how I want ....

Can't wait til its all over! Sorry to gloat but the relief I feel is so immense!

yay, Violet! I'm so excited for you! Enjoy your freedom

a bit late but just wanted to say that there is light at the end of the tunnel and you are all so very strong and eventhough it doesn't feel like it you'll be even stronger when its all done and you are 'free' ..
I was in same situ which ended after 9 months early last year with me finally finding a part time job and friends clubbing together to raise a rent deposit ...it was hard I left with no furniture and had to beg & borrow, he did the 'your mum is leaving you' routine and the kids were too young to be able to see thru him, he spent a lot of time unknown to me telling them that I didn't love them anymore etc etc ....
but down the road a little way and the kids are coping with it all very well ( much to his disappointment) and I have also had to do the 'Daddy sometimes says things that aren't true because he is angry at Mummy but still loves you etc etc ' chat they are not alllowed to say my name at his house or that of 'Granny & Grandpa' (my parents)and even at their young age think they see that he is the one that says things that aren't true to 'score points' .....its hard no doubt about it and I miss my kids when they are not with me but NOTHING was as hard as that time living under the same roof in constant trepidation of saying the wrong thing or worrying what mood he would be in when he got back from work
As many have said you are not alone in this use this place to sound off ( wish I had had it then but he blocked my Mumsnet and Facebook access on the PC too!!)

That was so lovely to hear gwtf. Glad to hear you made it too the other side

I think I'm going to see my gp to get back on the (all be it) mild ad to get through the next few months, am starting to feel very stressed about the whole thing so think that will help.
MN is fabulous and knowing I'm not alone in this is so comforting.

'to'!!!

gwtf you mention something I absolutely concur with. When I used to discuss leaving my NPD H, a number of friends said "how will you bear to not have the children with you on certain weekends/holidays etc). And I stayed for another year because it was true -I didn't think I could bear it.

Then there comes a day so crap that actually its a trade off and letting them go for a w/e or holiday is a smaller (not small) price to pay in exchange for the freedom of getting away from an awful situation.

I've always said that women leave when they are ready - it can take months or years because there is so much "thinking things through" to do.

For those of you who aren't ready to leave/boot out yet - don't despair - your day will come when you are good and ready.

Stay strong x