kids OK after seperation?

[kateeliz]

the only reason i am with my husband is for our kids, 4 and 2. I wont leave because of the kids, I have felt for ages that its important to persevere with the relationship for their sake, I feel like I need to put up with it as my happiness is less important than theirs. I definitely know I wont be with my husband once the kids leave home.
Does anyone have any stories for me, positive or not I guess, about how children have coped with seperation and divorce? All I can find is about how bad it is for them!!!!

When i was going through this, I read a lot that waiting until the children leave home before you leave is also not a good idea, because you invalidate their whole childhood. All their memories that they thought were good they now know you were really unhappy.

My DC's are 13,11,7 and 6 and by far the ones coping the easiest are the younger two. The older ones are coping but are grieving much more. I wish I had done it a lot earlier now.

The little ones just except it, although they see both of us a lot and we live very close.

Also, if you are really unhappy, then you are not doing your DC's any favours, they are apparently much better off with two happy parents apart, rather than unhappy together.

I have to say, I am a different person since leaving and my relationship with my children has improved greatly. I didn't realise how angry my 11yr old DS was with me, he picked up on everything the most, knew things were bad and our relationship was really suffering.

Hope that's some help! Good luck with your decision.

I don't think there is any "right age" I was 25 when my parents split up, it was devastating at the time. When me & ex split my dc were 5 & 18 months. After the initial emotional upheaval & trauma, I felt our home was far happier place to be. I'm 10 years down the line and feel that dc have coped well.

Hi kateeliz

I am currently going through a separation with my H.

My DS is 6 1/2, and I have agonized over leaving since my DS was about 2.

My DS is such a sensitive little sole, that I just felt I would be ruining his life if I made the decision. Plus it's such a daunting thought of living life on your own, and leaving all the home comforts/social life/friends/DS's social acceptability etc, and I'm sure that is what kept me here for so much longer than I should have done.

I have just got to the point where I can't go on any more (had major suspicions that my H was unfaithful, which have proved to be true) but even before I had got to the point where I couldn't go on being unhappy anymore. I was really worried that my DS would look at my H and I and think that our behaviour was normal. We lived seperate lives, slept seperately (started off because of my H's snoring) weren't affectionate to each other, and generally just co-existed in the same house.

I know I have got a really rocky road ahead of me, but we have now told DS, who took it well, but has now started having trouble sleeping. But I am determined that I will keep it as amicable as possible and that my DS will see my H as often as possible (We also will live very near each other).

When discussing it with my MIL, she said some very wise words, she said "Your children are only on loan to you" and she said what was I going to do when my DS left home.

I think only you can decide what is right for you, but if you get to the point where Relate/talking etc is out of the question, then all I can offer as advice is that my DS is very very sensitive, an only child, and so far (only very early days - 1 week since we told him) he has coped really well. I'm sure that the younger the child is the easier it is, and you would be able to make happy memories, rather than stress and tension.

Goood luck.

kateeliz,

Your children won't be leaving home for many years and by that time you'd be so ground down and sucked dry that you may well wish you had left years ago. You do not have to play the martyr here.

You only get one shot at this life. Do not waste years on someone you no longer love. You actually stop yourself from meeting someone else by doing this.

Sticking with a damaging relationship is not going to do either you or the children any favours. We learn about relationships first and foremost from both our parents; are you wanting to teach them that staying in a relationship solely for their sake (which is more often than not a mistake) is okay?. This is not the legacy you want to leave them. Children are perceptive and pick up on all the underlying tension present between you both. They will know you are both unhappy even if they do not directly see the arguments. They could hear them though.

You are wrong - your happiness is bloody important!!!. This is the case not just for you but for your children as well. They won't ultimately thank you for staying in an unhappy marriage and could even one day accuse you of actually putting him before them.

I actually think you are treating your h very badly - give him the respect you would like him to give to you.

Imagine if he one day upped and left and then said - he had planned it all along to leave one day.

by not telling him you are actually denying him his life too.

I dont think it is a good way to live either - your children will not thank you - i suspect my parents only stayed together because of the children, There was very little show of love between my parents they just did their duty.

Unfortunately very shortly after my db had left home my mum became ill - now my father is 'trapped' as her carer. But it could have been the other way around.

Please dont waste your life any longer. It is far better to admit now that 'mistakes' have happened and deal with them. Work together so that you both can have the best life from now on and you children will thank you for it.

I split up with my ex when my dcs were 2,3 and 5. I felt very sad for them but I had become so unhappy with my ex that I felt that the atmosphere could only be damaging for them .

They seem to be absolutely fine and certainly they live in a much happier, calmer home now. I think it would have been much harder if they had been older. The eldest still recalls us arguing

Thanks everyone for replying. Right now I KNOW i cant go on much longer but I worry I will regret it, not sure why I would, just I guess if it really affects the kids. Its sooooo hard. I dont have anywhere to go or anyway to support us to start with but that doesnt worry me as I know I will take care of it.
I cant talk to him about any of this either, i think our biggest problem is he is addicted to cannibis although he wouldnt admit it, hes a high functioning individual by day. His parents would be SHOCKED. BUt its definitely changed him, hes irrational, moody. We just cant have a sensible sane discussion about our future.
what a disaster life is turning out to be. It certainly didnt start out this way, two succesful happy people, great mates. Now hes just the opposite of who I wouldve considered marrying.

Like the others, I think the younger the better for your children if it is going to happen. And truthfullly, it is not if you split up that is the thing it is about how you and your husband behave after it has happened. After the initial shock of it all, because it is a shock even if planned, if you two can focus on being good to one another and prioritising your children then it can be sucessful.

This is awful for you all but sacrificing yourself for what you think might make your children happy is a thankless task and you will end up being resentful and bitter. Not because you are a bad person but because eventually your children will leave (i know it is a long way off)and you have to think about yourself and your own well being.

Your children see the world through your eyes, you are their world and the greatest gift you can give them is a happy mummy.

My DD1 was 3 when I left her dad, our relationship had been crap for years (I had PND, was very unsupported by him emotionally and forced to return to full time work when she was 3 months old even though she was 2 months premature because he had racked up gambling/prostitution debts in excess of 100k, I finally, after a long, long discussion with my mum realised that it wasn't fair on anyone, least of all my DD to carry on the way we were. So I found a new job (was working for Ex's family at the time), rented a new home (couldn't really afford it so moved my brother in with me to share the rent), removed my DD from childcare and my parents stepped in to help.

It was tough for the first 6 months or so, my DD took it all in her stride though, I was always honest with her (as much as possible) and she coped remarkably, I think most children do (the little ones more than the older ones)

I have NEVER once looked back and regretted leaving. My DD1 is almost 10 now, I am remarried to a great man and we have DD2 (aged 2) and a very happy family life.

I look around now and KNOW that leaving was absolutely the BEST thing I have done.

I hope you find the strength to get out sooner rather than later, before your relationship drains every part of you and your grown up children are left with a shell of a woman who should have left their dad years ago.

My two DDs were 5 and 2 when my ExH and I separated, and it has been the making of their relationship with their father. He lives very close by and sees them every other weekend and for tea mid-week, whereas when we were together he took every opportunity to travel with his job and when he was home he prioritised everything over spending time with us and barely saw the girls.

The way our lives are now is all my younger DD (now 5) has ever known and she doesn't remember a time when the four of us lived together. She has grown up with the routine we have and is a happy, sociable little person. It was harder for my older daughter in the very beginning as she had a far closer relationship with my ExH than the younger one did, but she was also old enough to see that her dad and I were so much happier and "lighter" (if that makes sense) apart. I am fortunate that her dad was/is so close by and that he is good about seeing them when he says he will and rarely ever cancels or changes the plans.

I felt I was pretty good role model for my daughters in many ways in that I worked (from home and self-employed) but was always there for them, but I was conscious that I was also raising women, and the example I was showing them of how a man treats a woman was not good at all.

I have no regrets about leaving when I did, and I do believe it would have been harder had I waited until they were older. My best friend's parents split up the day after we started university (she was 19) and she was disappointed that they hadn't done it when she was 7 (when she remembers the fighting started) as all her childhood memories are off her parents arguing and being horrible to one another.

Good luck and do think of your own happiness too. It IS important.

speaking as the child of separating parents - at 7 years old I only felt relief. I had always known that there was tension at home even at that age. children pick up on so much more than we give them credit for and are incredibly emotionally intelligent. just as you are responsible for their happines, you are responsible for your own - whatever they see you do, they will think is the right way to live their lives.

my dd1 was 6 when I split with her dad and dd2 was not born.

dd1 suffered, dd2 just didn't know any different.

although dd2 has asked why we don't all live togehter as it would make life easy, so they still wonder but don't suffer the same.

TBH I would say out of all the ages it is difficult the most at around 5-7 years. Not easy for what ever age but this is the formative years and they have a lot to deal with.

kateeliz, my DCs were 4 and 2 when I left. It was really hard, and like you I put it off because of them. But it reached the point where it was the only thing to do - the relationship had deteriorated beyond repair. I still beat myself up about making a 'selfish' decision, but two years down the line the DCs are well-adjusted and happy, showing no signs of problems at school etc.

They still ask sometimes why we can't all live together. As a child of divorced parents, I know that this is what children always want. But they do come to accept it, and I think it makes a huge difference to them not living in all that tension. Ex and I get on quite well now, and he lives nearby so they see a lot of him. They took some time to adjust to the new routine, but we've done as much as we can to make it smooth and as 'normal' as possible.

We spent Christmas day together and got on surprisingly well - my DS (6) said 'Why aren't you arguing? Can we all live together if you're not arguing any more?!'

They find it hard to understand because they are still so young but if you can be consistent and as honest as possible, and listen to them when they talk about being unhappy or want to ask questions, it helps.

Although I still feel guilty, I know it was the only thing to do if we weren't all going to spend the next fifteen years miserable. ExH and I have both got new partners and are much happier, and this can only be good for the DCs, even though it's not the nuclear family model.

Your happiness DOES matter.

Good luck.

Have experienced this from both sides. My parents separated when I was 7 and it was the most painful thing I had ever experienced. I used to go to bed praying that I would die in the night (this was when I was about 10 by the way, so the trauma went on and on). To be fair, my parents had enormous problems and did not handle the separation or divorce in anything approaching a mature or responsible way. When I became a parent, I really started to understand that they had written the book on how not to do it.

That said, I stayed in my marriage trying to sort it out for over 6 years because I didn't want to put my children through what I had been through. I have to admit, it has been much more painful to put my children through it than to experience it myself. It doesn't help that those 6 years drained me of all my personal resources so trying to do all this on an empty tank, so to speak.

DCs are 12, 9 & 5. DC1 was already having counselling and this has helped support him. DC2 is now having counselling at school. She is struggling and feels very insecure as she has always been a challenging child and now feels that she makes life difficult for everyone. DC3 has started bedwetting. School have been fabulously supportive of my DCs, noticing when they have been a bit withdrawn and offering support appropriate to their age and state.

DS1 has had nightmares about the separation which show that he understands, possibly better than me, the dynamics in our relationship and how unhealthy they were. But this is challenging for a child who still sees the world in black and white.

That said, it is only 4 months since we separated. I was fine to start with but hit an emotional wall recently which has made supporting three distressed children difficult. I do see signs that the children are adjusting - each child has periods when they can be lighthearted and play. They are beginning to play with each other again without arguing (which is how they were prior to the split).

My DD made a point of telling me she enjoyed Christmas (she had said she didn't want and presents, what was the point). Have checked with other 2 and they had a good time too. she also loves her new room at her dad's house (we gave them each a budget for new stuff which gave them a real feeling of ownership).

But this has taken a lot of work and even more self-sacrifice. We went to ex's for Christmas lunch with his parents and spent most of Boxing Day with them too. I have seen friends with ex, we have hosted events together. I do not find this easy and know that I need more distance but I feel it is important that the DCs see us both loving them together.

I don't think my DCs will ever feel as secure again, I think they will feel sad about this, probably all their lives. I hope that, when they are older they will at least understand why. I am hoping that we can support them so that they learn to live with the situation and appreciate the positive things which have come out of it. For DS1 this has been discovering how many friends he has, for DD it has been styling her new room.

I would rather we hadn't separated but once I realised he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me I couldn't pretend any more and, quite frankly, I think I deserve better than to be with someone who isn't committed. Even if that means being by myself.

Sorry so long! But it's not a simple question, is it?

There's drugs in it? Run away, run away!

DS4 was 9 when we split. He's kind of a sensitive soul, very perceptive about people's feelings etc, and XH thought nothing of messing with his head to "keep the family together". He said he wanted to live with both of us but that he wanted the arguments to stop. I said (gently) they wouldn't stop unless we didn't live together. DS4 is now 13 and lives with me by choice, backed up by his school who say he's much happier and more settled with me. I can hear him singing now as he plays on his computer and it's lovely

My parents divorced when I was eight, having kept their problems very well hidden. No one had a clue things were that bad until my separated. My mum's mum to this day likes my Dad and doesn't think my mum should have left him. But then, it was my mum not playing fair in that relationship.

I'm the oldest of three, and can confirm what others have said. I had a rough time of it, dealing with the fact that suddenly my mum had only bad things to say about my dad, while he was still reeling. I was a rubbish period of my life, and I'm only just putting it behind me now. My sister, two years younger, fared little better, though she could see how I was reacting, and probably saw more throuh my eyes as a result.

Compare that to my brother, who was nearly three at the time, and you get a different picture. I was too young at the time to know how it affected him at first, but he's grown up not knowing any different, and takes my parents distaste of each other as the norm. (My dad has given up being nice about my mum.) He doesn't remember them being together, and so doesn't look back on that time as being 'normal'. For him, normal family life was seeing my dad every other weekend, and being with my mum the rest of the time.

I can't promise it will be easy to begin with, but I can say that if you do this now, they probably won't remember it at all when they grow up. As long as you don't do what my mum did and constantly slag off their father, there's no chance that they'll resent you (for me, I could see that my dad was hurt by the divorce, but all my mum did was moan, so she became the bad guy), and it's more likely that as they grow up they will form a balanced opinion of you and your current husband. Children aren't stupid, though they can't always see the shades of grey. If you make sure they know what's happening as they grow up and begin to see more than Mummy and Daddy being two superhumans who can do no wrong, they will understand.

I briefly worked with a woman whose parents had stayed together for the children, and she had severe depression, possibly brought on as a child because they were always fighting in front of her and her sister. She said it would have been much better if they had just divorced. While those are two isolated cases, and every child is different, there's no sense making yourself miserable for your children. They'll pick up on it tin time, and there's no guarantee that they'll get things right. My mum hid all her distress and tears about the divorce from us on the advice of a friend, so my sister and I assumed she just didn't care. We resented her for years because we didn't know how depressed she had been living with my dad who was always away working.

You can't know how you or your current husband will appear to your children as they're growing up, especially if you are constantly putting on a show. The stress of pulling it off made my mum appear heartless and cruel, while my dad came over as a saint. It's only as an adult that I see them both as human beings who had a marriage which didn't work. If you stick with this marriage, you won't win anything. Your children will see both you and their father in equal terms unless there is evidence to the contrary. It's not fair to yourself to have them see you as the same or less than their father because you are hiding frustration and unhappiness. They deserve to have their real mum just as much as you deserve to have them know the real, happier you.

I dreaded telling our dc that daddy was moving out, ds (6) especially as he has ASD and is extremely close to his Dad. I took advice and was told not to have "the conversation" with ds just allow it to filter into his conciousness and then if he asked questions to answer them honestly along the lines of "well some Mum's and Dad's live in different houses, but they still like each other and love their children etc etc etc". In the end ex h unilaterally took the decision to have a chat with him when I wasn't around, which pissed me off but all ds said was "good, I think it's a good idea, then we can be happy". Now if you had asked me if ds had any clue what was going on I would have not a chance but he did and I will never again underestimate how much kids are picking up even when you think you covering things up.

As for dd, she is only 3 so doesn't really understand anything yet.

I think there are a lot of misconceptions about the effects of divorce on children. A review of over 200 studies here in the UK and abroad and published by the Joseph Rowntree Foundation found that the absence of a parent per se wasn't the most influential factor in poor outcomes in the long term, the major factors were high levels of conflict between parents, poverty, the ability of parents to overcome any distress they might suffer and multiple changes in family structure.

Professor Michael Lamb (Cambridge) reports that 15% of children from families who remain together have poor outcomes and this figure doubles for children of separated families. However, after the initial upset the majority of children from families where parents no longer live together go on to enjoy very much the same quality of life as those from intact families.

I don't think anyone would argue the best way to raise children is when parents are in a loving relationship but there is evidence that living with parents who do not get on together is the worst possible scenario for children. See www.johannhari.com/2009/06/26/when-divorce-is-the-right-choice

On a personal note we both tried for about 7 years to make our marriage work for the good of the children and our children who are now young adults have said on separate occasions that when we separated it was a huge relief. Both children have been successful academically and socially. The trick seems to be forgoing the determinations of "who is right" and "who is wrong" and remaining child focused.

kateeliz, this is where I was a year ago - it's a very similar point of view to yours, I think: here

One year on, I am just about to move into my own house with the children. They worked things out for themselves, but I didn't discuss it with them until August, because I kept waiting for their dad to be willing to talk about it - he still refuses. My eldest said 'I just want you to be happy, Mummy' and gave me a hug. The youngest was more visibly upset, but once reassured that I wasn't about to marry someone else and present her with a load of siblings, became more accepting. They have coped well with our new 'normal', which is both of us living in the same house while being separated. Thankfully, that phase is almost over. They are old enough to have some understanding of relationships between adults, the eldest has a lot more on her mind while the youngest takes things in her stride, I hope.

Don't dismiss your own unhappiness and feelings and needs. My ex wanted us to wait until they were adults and then separate, but it really wouldn't have worked. Some may think me selfish, but I'm 41, I deserve more than another 8-10 years of misery and putting myself last, and so do you. It's not about freeing yourself to meet someone else, but simply about freeing yourself.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

I am currently going through a separation from my DW. We have two children, 11 and 14. Like you I agonise about how this is going to affect them (we're still living in the same house until it's ready to sell). Until we actually separate I don't think that we'll know how they react.

However, as most of the responses have already put so well, no-one should be asked to sublimate their chances of happiness for the sake of their children. Staying together for their sakes alone will leave you, and probably them, with much resentment. There is also the issue of the kind of role-model such a loveless relationship would provide. You would essentially be placing yourself in a kind of limbo for the whole time that your children are living with you.

A friend once said to me, when I was worried that by separating I was being selfish, that you have to look after your own happiness if you are going to be able to properly look after your childrens.

what is more important than whether parents live under the same roof is that they parnent together.

You can live together and parnet on your own.

You can live apart and still parent together and bring up happy children together by communicting and making sure that both parnets get a chance to share the job.

It is more important to get along apart and give a good stable 2 homes than one miserable one.

this doesn't always happen of course and it is this that upsets the dc more than anything else when parents fight

I said the same thing (I have to stay for the sake of the children) to a friend of mine whose reply was 'who do you think you are to say that? How do you know that if you leave it won't be the making of them or that if you stay in an unhappy marriage you won't mess them up? ' I left and have not regretted it for one moment. It was tougher on my son than my daughter, partly because he was younger I think but also maybe because he is a boy? I try and make sure he meets plenty of male role models so he can see there are different ways men live their lives.

I really appreciate everyones comments, and have alot of respect for those of you who have gone out on your own. Its great to just read about others experiences to know I'm not alone. Also good to hear that its not the end of the world to leave. Its sooooo complicated though. We are in a house on his parents farm, miles from anywhere for work for me. I would leave here with no home, no job, nowhere to go. His parents would be so devastated if I had to take kids somewhere else to get work but I wouldnt want to stay around here. So many lives would be affected. I can genuinely say its all his fault though, he wont talk, is just an A-HOLE. I wish I could video him and show his parents why i have to leave!!!!

kateeliz, I do feel for you, it's incredibly hard. If it all seems overwhelming, maybe you could take it in smaller steps, ie start looking for a job first? I don't know how possible this is, but it might help you to feel a bit stronger if you can feel less reliant on Dh and his family.

why dont you video him them? And if people ask you why you can then say if they really want to know the truth then show them. You will then feel justified in your decision.

I think it would be a good idea to try and forge your own life for now whilst staying and getting all the help you can. If you can get yourself a job and then you will hopefully see that you can do it alone when the time is right for you.