kids OK after seperation?

[kateeliz]

the only reason i am with my husband is for our kids, 4 and 2. I wont leave because of the kids, I have felt for ages that its important to persevere with the relationship for their sake, I feel like I need to put up with it as my happiness is less important than theirs. I definitely know I wont be with my husband once the kids leave home.
Does anyone have any stories for me, positive or not I guess, about how children have coped with seperation and divorce? All I can find is about how bad it is for them!!!!

My children were 6 and 5 when I separated from their father, my ex-husband. We'd been arguing pretty much non stop for the previous 4 years and the relationship was acutely unhealthy for all. The boys coped very well once I'd confirmed that they were still allowed to love their father - this bothering them far more than living in different houses.

What I'd say is that children are always happiest and and most secure in a harmonious environment and if this can't be achieved with both parents under the same roof, so be it. It is also important (imvho) not to make a tragedy out of things but try keep a sense of proportion. Divorce is not the direst of life's events. Indeed, from where all four of us are now, it was the best thing that ex-h and I ever did.

I would like to say I am in the same should I stay or go quandry. We have gone around in circles for years-good, bad etc but I have come to the end of the road with the way I am spoken to and the temper tantrums - I have 2 children that do that and dont need a husband doing it too!! I always promised myself after litening to my parents row and both drink for years that I would never put my children through it-different when it is actually your decision to make! My mum stayed for us kids and as an adult I look back and think 'why did you do that?'. But its soo scary to think of all the people you are going to effect by making that one decision in your life. We have decided to try relate, if that doesnt work maybe seperation. I do know that if I do go it won't be before I tried everything I could - just so I never have to look back and think 'what if'. But equally Iknow that this year it will go one way or the other - im 35 and the dc are 6 & 2. It has has to change one way or the other. Slowly I am making decisions to make myself stronger so that if I do decide to go I have tried to prepare myself for it.

Lastly, I would just like to comment on the cannabis - this was a problem for us too and I fully understand all the mood swings etc. I did actually tell my husband that I would divorce him if he didnt stop as his mood swings were a nightmare. He has stopped a year ago and it DOES make a difference!! Try to get your partner to realise this first.

Thanks 2lottie, your situation does sound so similar, I am sick of being spoken to the way I get spoken to. And I agree with all the others, I'm going to start forging ahead with sorting out some work and housing options, so at least if things get too bad I will have something to go to. I recently started a little business from home so I will try and get that up and running properly.
Before I posted on here everything seemed so much worse, ie I thought leaving was selfish and the worst thing to do but now I see its not. And like you 2lottie, I will try everything else first, counselling etc, but I know now that really my heart isnt in it, I dont think we will ever be a 'couple' again, i jsut want to be friends and parents who live in seperate houses!!

i have stayed in an unhappy relationship for years(about 6) and i always believed that as long as my children were happy my happiness didnt matter. however this christmas i realised i had had enough. i realised that if i wasnt happy then my children couldnt be either. it was a hard decision to make and there will be tough times ahead. but the way i felt when i actually did something was not what i expected. the sheer relief that i felt was physical. all the tension i had stored up for so long was gone. it is scary. the children are still and always will be the most important thing in my life. it is all ongoing at the minute and he is leaving on monday. but i do realise that i have made the right decision and a happy mummy brings happy children. they will still see their dad. we can be mature about that for their sake. but who knows how it will pan out.

lilac I remember your situation from a year ago.
Well done on moving on.
Did you get the flat with the balcony?