help me look into the furure and leave my h.

[labyrinthine]

I want to leave my h who until recently was a bit of a bully but who is now on his best behaviour.
But the family seems happy enough and I can't seem to see a future on my own where I'll manage and be happy.
I can look forward to having my own place but I won't have much money,and I won't see as much of the dcs as they will be alternating.
So it seems better to stay put,except I don't want to be married anymore.

Hi laby (it's IMLH by the way)

Do you think his change will be permanent?

You may not have as much money but it will be all yours and you can do whatever you want with it. And the DCs may well choose to spend more time with you than him...

How long has your H been behaving himself, and what triggered off the good behaviour? Do you think he's actually changed or is he just biding his time before his next outburst of tossery?
Mind you, if he's been being horrible for ages it's perfectly understandable that you just don't want to live with him any more.

oh pet

i have lurked on your other thread now and again so i might not be up to date

you need to tell him you want a divorce and then let the solicitors deal with the details

you will be fine and much much happier on your own and the DC's will be happy that you are not stressed anymore

i dont know if the house will have to be sold or not but you really will manage

you dont deserve the shit he has been giving you

sorry,future lol

hi IMLH i know it's what i want to do but i get bogged down and feel old and tired.

I know this is totally pointless but i wish i had left when i could have had time to maybe meet someone else

I still feel quite young inside but on the outside I have wrinkles

officiallyme thanks i know you're right it's more important to be my own person which i can't be atm

i've still got most of my marbles so i suppose i will enjoy it on my own

So what? Antonia Frasier got married to Harold Pinter when she was 48 and they were very much in luff for a long time.

well whether i'm alone or meet someone new it won't happen if i'm stuck here will it?

hi laby, I was thinking about you just yesterday and hoping you were out of your situation (we used to talk on your AIBU thread..)

While he's being nice, use the time to start making plans to go. Find out all your entitlements, where you could live and so on. And then next time (because there will be one) he is horrid, you can deal with it knowing you have options.

Can you really stand another 20-30 years of this?? Is the alternative really worse?

left my ex dh and god, it's so much better!!

My advice would be to plan it all in your head, everything, and save some money.

When you go, those plans and the money will help enormously

don't leave it too long either,he mat sense a change and make it harder for you to go,set yourself a deadline and focus on it. Good luck

chippy ~thanks for thinking of me
I know people have said he is verbally abusive or bullying but without having another marriage to compare with I can't be sure.
It could be he would have been quite different with a different partner and we are a bad match but I just know he has let me down too much and not appreciated me.

I don't love him and there is no chance of me doing so again ~ the trust has gone.

I feel sorry for him though as I'm not sure I should ever have married him in the first place.

I've met some men at work with amazing personalities and I can see the difference.

Oh he definitely is a bully, and he's been taking advantage of the fact that as a SAHM you've nothing to compare him with. Trust me, he's not that great.

Taking advantage ~ that's exactly right.
Now I am at work among a workforce predominantly or at least largely male and intelligent,he seems to be on his best behaviour ~ now I'm mixing with people who are senior to him he may be worried how I present him to the outside world.

I'm just gutted am a bit too old for an affair /relationship ~ I have a small crush on someone at work!

Is he single? Get in! Think of Helen Mirren.

Tell me about Helen Mirren please do!

I am 46 but still look quite good apart from a few lines here and there as have dry skin

lol

Helen Mirren went out with Liam Neeson for ages when she was in her forties [jealous], and she's still a complete fox despite being 62 or whatever. And Antonia Fraser was 48 when she married Pinter, I think I said that. 46 is nothing.

Dcs alternating is good- means you have spare evenings to GET A LIFE...that is what I am planning to do (get a life) and I know it will be hard and I know how hard it will be because I am facing it too...we can do it y'know

brahms thanks lol
hi jem are you in the same situation?

bit gutted that all my adult life i've been quite pretty and now i'm getting on i suddenly realise there's a whole big wide world out there...

yeah ..46 is nothing,a mere child

Yes laby am seperating from DH...it is bloody awful. I now have to re-think my future , he has ripped my security and planned future away...that's how I feel anyway...but I WILL be ok, I know that...it is just so hard...well, shite in fact ...

My sexiest friends are in their forties btw! I will join that club soon too...it's natural we feel shite etc....I have friends however who are in their 40s, dating and bloody loving it, although their DCs are a lot older than mine- I have 3 DC, oldest 12, youngest 6(nearly).

Mmm...Liam Neeson. Go out with Liam Neeson, do.

Haha

well I remember zoe wanamaker and helen mirren having lots of lines and they've all gone now...I could do with some of that treatment lol

h just popped in to tell me how awful joe mcelderry is[i was watching his audition of dance with my father which i love..]

just think ~ will be free to listen to what i want when i want and like who i want to like

jem ~sending you hugsxx

what age do any of you mumsnetters think most men stop considering women "go~outable" with or in "that" light?

I don't think they ever do, really. Depends on the man. My DP has never slept with anyone over the age of 32 except his ex-wife . But I've heard men saying that at a certain age they definitely want someone with a bit of life experience who is realistic and not super-demanding like a younger woman would be, and at a similar place to them (in life).

how old are you brahms?
I've always felt old [in my head]so no change for me in a way

27 next week... (argh)

My aunt got married at 54 for the first time, my mother at the same age for the second time. I do think the whole focus on youth in the media isn't actually representative of what men want in a relationship. I've got a big age gap with my DP and tbh I doubt it's going to last in the long term, because in terms of life stages we are different, and I think he's paranoid that it's only a matter of time before I find someone else or want a baby (which he doesn't want bc he's done all that).

interesting brahms thanks
I had my first baby at 27 it's a lovely age.
I feel quite happy being who I am and the age I am ~the issue I have is whether I look a bit older than I am and how other people see me at work i guess?
The dcs say I look young,but i do have wrinkles the last yr or so