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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you allow your ex in your home if you weren't there?

27 replies

chippychippybangbang · 15/01/2010 19:18

Regular but namechanged as I don't want my background to influence opinion on this one if anyone knows it.

Brief background - small dc's, split up with H last year and he moved to stay with family in the area.

I have to go away for a couple of days next month and he'll be looking after the dc's. I still live in our marital home where the dc's have most of their toys. H has requested that he move in here while I'm away as it will be much easier for him.

He still pays for the house as we haven't divided finances yet, this house is slightly nearer to schools so it would be more convenient but I'm unsure about allowing him in the house unsupervised while I'm not here. Based on above, what do you think??

OP posts:
mamazon · 15/01/2010 19:20

if the split is amicable then i can't see why not.

it is more convenient for him and the dc's

It was previously the marital home so it isn't as if you will be worried he will steal or break anything.

what are your concerns

diddl · 15/01/2010 19:42

From what you have written I would say yes.

Do you think it will confuse the children?

Is he still living with family-in which case it might be hard for him to have him there.

Original poster
chippychippybangbang · 15/01/2010 21:36

Thankyou both, my concerns are that he's had an OW here in the past.. and I'm not sure I'd trust him not to do it again tbh.

Plus he's a controlling idiot and I'd need to move or hide paperwork etc from all round the house before I leave.

Sorry to reveal by stealth, I wanted to gauge a normal reaction first!!

OP posts:
heQet · 15/01/2010 21:40

Not if I thought he would snoop or shag some woman in my bed or something, no.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 15/01/2010 21:42

Have similar concerns to you with my XH Chippy so I think it's a normal reaction. I know that one day I will have a home that's just mine and have him out of my hair

On balance I am trying to convince myself that on occasions it's best at the moment for the DCs to let him come and stay here as DC issues mean that it's not so easy for them to visit him overnight. If I didn't have those issues though I would not want him here

norksinmywaistband · 15/01/2010 21:49

If he has his own place I would say no.
If he is staying with friends I would say yes hide the paperwork and let him know that he is not under any circumstances to sleep in Your bed.
Make sure a bed is bade up in one of the DC's or spare room and strip all your sheets before you go.

In the past Ex did stay here with the DC, He swiped their passports and I know he slept in my bed even though I requested he didn't.

All my documentation is now kept at my neighbours( we are good friends) and I do leave him with the DC in the house but only for midweek evening contact, max one and a half hours. He will never stay over again.

Go with your gut feeling and do not be persuaded by him to change your mind, he can pack a bag of toys up if necessary.

ChasingSquirrels · 15/01/2010 21:50

no I wouldn't.

brightwell · 15/01/2010 21:57

I wouldn't either, my ex regularly let himself into former marital home when I was away with dc. Helped himself to documents, snooped on pc etc.

ChasingSquirrels · 15/01/2010 21:58

and I don't think my ex would do anything that I wouldn't want him to, but I just wouldn't want him here.

Original poster
chippychippybangbang · 15/01/2010 22:26

Thanks all, that's how I feel. It's very much my space now, and he chose to leave, he chooses not to disclose anything about where he is when he's not here, so I don't feel comfortable allowing him into my space.

OP posts:
BigBadMummy · 15/01/2010 22:57

No.

It is too confusing the for the DCs.

"well why cant daddy live here all the time"

It is your space now, not for him to invade.

You should know where he is taking them though when he has them.

maristella · 15/01/2010 23:02

no, you don't want him in your home so don't let him stay there, irrespective of the fact that it used to be the family home.

Original poster
chippychippybangbang · 15/01/2010 23:05

He's now trying to blackmail me into letting him stay here. Apparently his family aren't keen to let him have the dc's there..

If I don't agree I'll apparently need to cancel my trip (an important one for many reasons, with events which can't be rescheduled.) I don't have any other childcare options.

He always has to push things and have his own way. Very wearing.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 15/01/2010 23:32

Yes, although he wouldn't want to be here. I spend time in his house with our kids when he isn't there.

diddl · 16/01/2010 07:15

I think if he hasn´t anywhere suitable then it´s difficult.

Have you got friends/relatives nearby where you could store anything important?

If the split wasn´t amicable,I can see your reluctance though.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/01/2010 08:34

chippy,

"Easier for him" perhaps but he is trying to manipulate you further again. This is not actually about it being "easier for him", this is all about power and control again. He will continue to want to test and possibly break any boundaries you set.

I thought no to start with and when I read in one of your earlier posts that he is controlling I thought NO again. Controlling men are often angry men as well.

For the above reasons I would cancel your trip entirely (I know this is problematic but your ex is a far bigger problem here) and on a wider level reconsider any access he has currently to the children.

BTW if you have never read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft I would suggest you purchase a copy.

Your ex is trying to still control you, these men do not let go of their victims easily. And now I see this comment from you:-

"He's now trying to blackmail me into letting him stay here. Apparently his family aren't keen to let him have the dc's there".

Infact if he is trying to do this I would seek legal advice from a Solicitor. Show your ex you are not to be messed with. He cares only for himself and to emotionally hurt you again, he cares not a jot for you and your children.

StewieGriffinsMom · 16/01/2010 08:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HappyWoman · 16/01/2010 08:41

could you not arrange some other childcare - even if he is there too you could get a nanny to help and then he would have less chance of snooping.

In therory it should be ok but if you feel uncomfortable there is a reason - are you doing this with the chidrens best interests or your own - ask yourself that first.

JeremyVile · 16/01/2010 08:45

It really comes down to your knowledge of him as a person.
I wouldn't have a problem with it myself - my ex is here very often. I have a history with him and we had a child together, I dont know how its possible for people to go back to acting like strangers.
Obviously sometimes there will be reason to not trust an ex or keep them at a distance, dv or abuse etc.
I find the comment "No. Its too confusing for the DCs" really sad. Surely more confusing is having a mum you love and a dad you love but who aren't welcome in each others homes?

Ivykaty44 · 16/01/2010 08:48

I would get someone else to help out for the time away, It will show that you are not going to be backed into a corner - otherwise it will keep happening over allsorts of other things

oliviasmama · 16/01/2010 08:49

If he's pushing it to that extent then I would say no, when I read your first post I thought yes, seems ok (ish) but now given your comments regarding OW in the house and his family aren't happy about the DC being in their home, I am of the opinion he's trying to be his old controlling self once again.

I'd say no, even to the point where I'd cancel the trip.

piscesmoon · 16/01/2010 08:55

I would put the DCs first, and it seems much more sensible to stay in their own home and have him there.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/01/2010 09:53

I think no, precisely because you needed to ask. If you were on the sort of terms where it wouldn't be a problem then you would have just done it.

Worth discussing with the XILs what their problem is with minding the DCs at their place?

Started to type a long account of how XH got himself banned from my house, but it bored even me...

Bumpety · 16/01/2010 11:31

No, I wouldn't - he's still trying to control and manipulate you

If the trip isn't really that big a deal, I'd cancel and then work on getting suitable alternative childcare should he try to do this again in the future

Original poster
chippychippybangbang · 16/01/2010 13:34

thanks everyone, and Annie at your description, I bet it wasn't that dull!!

If trip wasn't totally essential I wouldn't go, but it really is. For convoluted reasons, other childcare just isn't available at that time. I think it's one of those one-off situations where I'm just going to have to grit my teeth, lock away any documents and my computer and get the neighbours to keep a close eye on any comings and goings (they are lovely but nosey and will relish a little spying mission!).

OP posts: