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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Both should apologise in most arguments?

39 replies

beakysmum · 15/01/2010 00:52

I need a hug!

I believe in most argumetns both parties need to apologise/ compromise over something. DP doesn't seem to think so.

Today he came home from work late and didn't phone. Result; two EXTREMELY hungry and irritable kids as we usually wait for DP to all eat together.

He thinks I should apologise to him fro being off with him for being late home from work (it wasn't his fault). I think he should apologise to me for making my life harder.

Needless to say, I will be eating with the kids at 5pm from now on, well before he is due home.
Am I heading in completely the wrong direction?
Thanks

OP posts:

Tortington · 15/01/2010 01:09

he came home late through no fault of his own

wtf do you want him to do?

teleport?

sorry chuck, but no love from me on this one - if kids are hungey feed them

your dh doesn't have a wormhole and isn't from star trek and so can't magically appear at your convenience.

your fault - say sorry for being a bitch.

shonaspurtle · 15/01/2010 01:27

Ok, write this one off as bad communication (from you both - him not phoning, you being in the huff) and tomorrow come up with a plan for next time - either he agrees to phone you if he's going to be late or you just go ahead with the tea and don't wait for him.

Now go to bed and give him a cuddle.

snigger · 15/01/2010 01:28

Arguments, yes, both parties generally lose their rag or go all sullen and if mutual apologies are what it takes, so be it.

In this instance, though, I think you're being pretty harsh.

Your DP didn't make your life harder - your insistence upon waiting till he came home made your life harder.

He might have appreciated a bit of fellow feeling after what may have been a rotten day at work - not phoning might be irritating, but consider whether your possible reaction to such a call might put him off calling.

I think it's pretty extreme to lock him out of family mealtimes because he was late home once - just agree a threshold time beyond which you both agree you won't wait to eat.

Why did this upset you so much, is there something else brewing?

Pancakeflipper · 15/01/2010 02:59

Wow - your hubby usually gets home for 5pm? Lucky you. It would save alot of time preparing meals.

I think you put it behind you as a one off. I'd let the kids eat and wait for him if it happens again. Could he not phone or text you to warn you about being late so that way you know the score and not left stewing?

thumbwitch · 15/01/2010 03:09

He should have phoned you, for sure. You could have phoned him of course to see where he was and then decided to let the DC eat on the basis of his answer (this is what I would have done).

No point being in a huff if you weren't proactive, I feel - unless this is the tip of an unmentioned iceberg?

I think in this case you should both apologise - him for being thoughtless (NOT for being home late, which he says was unavoidable) and you for being huffy when you could have checked and done something about it.

diddl · 15/01/2010 07:05

OMG-you should apologise!
And now you are going to be petty & eat before he gets home!
How has he made your life harder?

Jeez-decide on a time to eat & he either there or not-hardly rocket science!

Blöödy hell, there are celebrations here when husband is home early enough to eat the evening meal with us!

AnyFucker · 15/01/2010 07:18

overmydeadbody · 15/01/2010 07:20

agree with diddl and custy

It wasn't his fault he was late home. You need to apologise for making this into an argument in the first place. It was probably the last thing he needed after already having to get home late through no fault of his own. Don't you think maybe his life was also made harder by having to be late home?

overmydeadbody · 15/01/2010 07:21

could he have phoned you to let you know or was he unable to?

nickschick · 15/01/2010 07:38

Think you need to apologise .

LisaD1 · 15/01/2010 08:46

Sorry but another one here who thinks you should apologise to your DH.

I don't understand why you didn't just feed your DC? But then we only ever eat with ours at the weekend as my DH is NEVER home before 7.30/8pm, I then eat with him. Think you're being a bit harsh to now say you won't eat with him.

cory · 15/01/2010 08:58

I sometimes used to come home late from work, and it wasn't always possible to know beforehand (stuck in traffic whatever). Dh fed the children and that was that. It did not cause any hassle and has not led to any lasting break-down of family mealtimes or family togetherness.

Even if the dcs do end up tired and irritable one evening- is it really such a big deal? Do you never do anything out of their routine, take them out for the day or otherwise end up in a situation where they might have to wait for their meal?

IF you get this worked up over such a very minor disruption, how would you cope with the biggies (sudden illness, accidents, cooker breaking down)?
Or is it that you are stressed and tired at the moment and this was just the final straw?

Naetha · 15/01/2010 08:59

I feel for you because we've had a similar thing happen a couple of times in the past.

There is nothing worse to come home to after a hard day's work than an arsy moody wife, and there are very few people who in that situation will front up and apologise for being late, even if it's not their fault.

Can I suggest you get him a bluetooth headset - I got my DH one from Asda for £10 and it's great - if he's stuck in traffic or late leaving work he just calls me hands free and lets me know whats going on.

Also I find if you apologise for being moody with him, and give him a hug (which is probably what he needs as well) then he will apologise for being late. I very much doubt he meant to or wanted to upset you, so it's a bit off of you to give him such a hard time for something he probably never intended to happen.

annatw9 · 15/01/2010 09:06

my husband rolled in at 4.30am this morning! the worse for wear... hes still sleeping it off. luckily he doesnt make a habit of this and i knew he was going out for a work dinner, but im quite looking forward to (hopefully) making him feel a little bit bad that he didnt let me know how late hed be.....

HesterPrynne · 15/01/2010 09:19

I think some of the others are being a little harsh, Beaky.

I've been there and it was the lack of consideration for me and the kids that always angered me. So he was late, unavoidably, but did that really mean he couldn't pick up a phone and explain, before he became late? "Go ahead and eat, I'll be late" takes less than a second to say. Particularly if everyone's expectation is that they will wait to eat together.

And I too would expect an apology, which very rarely came, for failing to pick up the phone.

If this is the first time it's happened, take the opportunity to apologise for being huffy and explain why: not that he was late, but that he didn't phone. So he knows for next time.

DwayneDibbley · 15/01/2010 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

EcoMouse · 15/01/2010 10:23

Why did you make your children go hungry? I don't understand that. You were with them, so your responsibility to meet their needs.

Being so bogged down in routine that it causes such upset is beyond me.

It would have been good manners for him to call but the choice to wait for him before eating or at least feeding your children was yours.

diddl · 15/01/2010 10:44

Yes, it is good manners to call if possible.
That said, why is it such a big deal to you that he didn´t?

bibbitybobbityhat · 15/01/2010 10:49

"I need a hug" ???

WhoIsAsking · 15/01/2010 10:56

I need a hug as well Bibbity.

HUG ME.

bibbitybobbityhat · 15/01/2010 10:57

Oh cripes!

WhoIsAsking · 15/01/2010 11:01

(((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

Honestly, you should try it bibbity. I actually feel dirty. IN A GOOD WAY.

HowManyTimesDS · 15/01/2010 11:01

In most cases, yes an apology from both sides is in order. Regardless of the cause argument usually involve hurtful things said which warrant an apology.

Re your DH, he was late. Big deal. Yes he should have rung but maybe he didn't realise how late he was going to be, maybe he was too busy to think of it. Much better to just say to him 'please can you let me know next time'. It was your fault the children were hungry not just his.

74slackbladder · 15/01/2010 11:03

could you not have called him ... to see if he was going to make it back in time to eat with you all ?
seems like a mountain out of a molehill type situation.
i usually give it 15-20 mins after dh is usually home, if i havent heard, call him, if i get no answer or goes to voicemail leave a message and crack on with dinner.
its not the end of the world.
also its not like he was out on the lash (if i've understood properly) and didnt tell you about it.
i would say sorry to him for having a go and find something bigger to get stressed about !

diddl · 15/01/2010 11:06

Is it just me wouldn´t dream of phoning husband to see where he is because I´m about to get the evening meal ready?

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