Both should apologise in most arguments?

[beakysmum]

I need a hug!

I believe in most argumetns both parties need to apologise/ compromise over something. DP doesn't seem to think so.

Today he came home from work late and didn't phone. Result; two EXTREMELY hungry and irritable kids as we usually wait for DP to all eat together.

He thinks I should apologise to him fro being off with him for being late home from work (it wasn't his fault). I think he should apologise to me for making my life harder.

Needless to say, I will be eating with the kids at 5pm from now on, well before he is due home.
Am I heading in completely the wrong direction?
Thanks

Well it depends diddl. If I was just serving pasta or something simple, no I wouldn't. It can be done again if need be. But it was a big production then I would call him.

exactly. i dont ring up with all 'where-the-bloody-hell-are-you' type attitude. its just kind of 'will you be back in the next ten mins or should we crack on without you'
for me eating together it quite a nice part of the day. most of the time dh calls me when he's on his way home anyway, so i usually know where how far off he his.
sometimes stuff just comes up that you cant avoid and unless it was a special evening b'day/anniv etc i wouldnt sweat it too much.

Well, perhaps my situation is a little "different" in that I cook at lunch not in the evening.

But if I did cook for a certain time, husbands meal would go in the oven to keep warm if I dished up and he wasn´t there.

Agree with most other posters, think you owe your husband an apology, and then if he was arsey with you then he could apologise for that, but I think the one that started the argument should really be the first with the olive branch.

I have a solution - how about putting a time limit in place eg. 5.15pm - if he's not in by 5.15pm then you'll serve dinner and his can be heated up when he gets in. Means he doesn't have to phone and you don't have to sit waiting with hungry kiddies. Problem solved.

Its funny what people argue about, it seems big and huge to you but everyone else is just like - what???

I am very envious of your husband being home at 5pm every night. We can only have family dinners on Saturday and Sunday.

What custy says.

Can't believe you made your children wait for their dinner

Well, thanks for calling me a bitch, Custy.

Believe it or not I was trying to do my best for all concerned. It's not my idea to make the children wait to eat together, it's DP. That's why I was so upset, I just kept waiting for him. I thought it was common courtesy to call if you were going to be late for anything. I accept late happens, just let me know!!!

Anyway, as many of you have rightly said, we just need to agree a time by which he will try to be home (usually 5.45pm)and if he's not then I and the children are able to go ahead without him.

And yes, for those of you who wondered whether there was something else going on, yes, I am 6 weeks pregnant (no 3). I have terrible al day sickness, and the kids were wearing a little thin on me and I didn't feel DP helped the situation.

No more posts?

Thank you to Hesterprynne who said exactly what I was getting at, but obviously didn't say clearly. Thanks also to DwayneDibley and others who managed to express their views gently.

Yes, I did need a hug; I was feeling low for a number of reasons and I don't think there's anything odd or sinister in asking for one. I just cried after going online last night.

As for "is this argument the tip of an iceberg?", yes, I think it is. It goes to my opening question about whether both parties generally need to apologise in an argument. I am ALWAYS the first to apologise inour house and the other day I just didn't feel like apologising for being upset by him being late and not letting me know or saying sorry he was late^ when he first came home.
Had he done that, I'm more than happy to say, "Don't worry, I know it wasn't your fault/ you had a bad day at work etc".

It's pretty damned rude not to call to say you'll be late if you know other people are waiting for you.

That's still true if those people are your wife and family.

The only excuse for not calling is if he couldn't for some reason (because he was driving, stuck in meeting etc)

I don't think both parties should apologise after most arguments. saying sorry is meaningless if it's just something you say for the sake of it. I think it's better apologise when you were the main person at fault.

In this case that means "sorry I was late and didn't call."

if you always have to apologise first, then you have a problem.

Beakysmum, congratulations!!The first few weeks are the worst, with the sickness and the tiredeness and the hormones all over the place, and along with the constant running about after the other 2 wee ones, it doesn't take much to have you at your wits end and feeling very sorry for yourself.

I think you've probably blown this one out of proportion - its a shame your husband can't see that and come and give you a cuddle and say he's sorry for upsetting you and that he'll give you a phone in the future.

I think men in general are pretty bad at apologising, I don't think your husband is too unusual there. And your husband probably genuinely doesn't feel he has to say sorry given he had little control over his lateness and that it doesn't happen very often and as many other people who have read your posts have thought - well what is the big deal.

It's all a big deal because your pregnant and feeling rubbish and just want a big cuddle in general.

I'm not good at cuddles so I'll leave that for someone else.

I hope you and your husband are over your argument and if your not, well I think you might as well make the first move - its such a small thing to be arguing over and its the weekend and he could take the kids and let you go and lie down for an hour or two.

beaky, I hope you're feeling a bit better now - congratulations on your pg and sorry it's making you feel a bit rubbish.

I hope your DH remembers to phone you in future - I have this same problem with mine, it's never that I mind him being late (unless he was out on the lash and expecting me to pick him up at 3am) but I like to be informed that he's going to be so I can change things accordingly if necessary.
(Mind you, I would have phoned him after about 30mins in your situation to ask him when he thought he would be home and could we go ahead and eat since we were starving.)

Chin up - hormones are a pita sometimes and tend to create mountains out of molehills.

(ah go on then, have a ((hug)))

"your husband probably genuinely doesn't feel he has to say sorry given he had little control over his lateness"

I wonder if he has the same attitude to arriving late at work?

Or if it's just his wife and children he thinks undeserving of courtesy?

Ah, thanks

DP took the children out this morning, and I have calmed down! I think he realises he made a mistake and that it was understandable I was upset.

He was late because his secretary was off sick that day, so he had extra work to do. Not sure why that meant he didn't phone me to say so.......

Live and learn, eh?

Sorry I don't agree with nearly all the other opinions here. If you have an agreement that you will eat together when DH gets home then it is only common courtesy than he phones if he is going to be late. Otherwise you end up holding on as he'll probably be back in a few more minutes and before you know it half an hour has gone by.

We had a similar arrangement and my H used to ring to tell me he was running late 'because the traffic was bad'. Used to drive me nuts, not because he was late but because he wasn't big enough to admit it. But then him being late was part of a much wider picture of crap behaviour.

In the end I decided when dinner was and served it at that time regardless. Solved that particular problem but meant that the DCs missed out, which was the whole point of eating together.