suspicious partner, 11+ weeks pregnant

[Robyn2010]

Hi there

This is my first time posting here... ... sorry for the long post, but i'm feeling pretty miserable, and don't want to ask friends, as I'd feel a bit about them knowing this...

I'm nearly 12 weeks pregnant, (unplanned!) and, until yesterday, was very happy with everything, even though my partner has been pretty unsympathetic about my nausea and tiredness... however, he seemed pleased about the pregnancy, and came with me to scans that I had as a result of spotting.

Anyway, yesterday, after I came into the office (which we share), and complained of severe nausea, and lay my head on the desk, he said to me 'so, I've been working out dates, and didn't you go away to your parent's when the baby should have been conceived?' I said yes, but that the scan doesn't give a 100% accurate date. I then asked him why he was asking this. He made some joke about that he might not be the father, I said that it wasn't a very funny joke (I was pretty pissed off that he was saying this, and I was feeling crap!). He pushed it a bit further, saying that he doesn't remember that we had sex around that time (we don't have sex very often but that's another story...) I said that I don't either, but it's a long time ago, but did he really think that I'd shag some bloke whilst I was at my parent's house, or did he not believe I'd gone there? Anyway, it ended up with me telling him to f off, then we had lunch and it was brushed under the carpet.

I then I brought it up later in a nice way, saying, I understand if you're feeling scared, etc etc, but that there were better ways to ask me, if he had any doubts, and that he was pretty insensitive, and he's also got to realise that I'm going through a lot here (hormones, nausea etc). He then gave me a speech, saying that at the end of the day you can't trust anyone 100% and that this is important, and he had to ask me. I said fine, if he didn?t trust me we could have a DNA test done on the baby when it is born. I said that I wasn't going to profess my innocence because I was insulted that he'd asked me this. He said that he was confused by the way I'd reacted.

I'd really like some advice on how to deal with this. I feel like we've reached an impasse here. Some background info: we've been together for 10 years, and whilst the first few years were a bit rocky (we were very young), and we broke up a few times, and I cheated on him, and he was a bit of a knob, we've had a solid relationship for the past six, and I've never so much as looked at another man.

I can't tell if I'm over reacting, but I'm so upset about this - I lay awake pretty much all night, wondering if I've made a mistake being with him, and will he make a good father etc.

Thanks for reading

It's sad that you are going through this when all you want is security and comfort. At the end of the OP you fleetingly mention that you cheated on him in the past. This - while in the past and probably, seemingly dealt with - might have resurfaced in your partner's mind. His feelings of fear and uncertainly about becoming a father are perhaps being mixed up with trust issues from the past. The scan date maybe made him go 'what if?' - he probably would never have questioned paternity otherwise. He just sounds like he's having a petrified moment: you will make good parents. Just communicate more, voice fears and questions as much as excitement, in an honest calm way.

Sorry not much advice, just didn't want you to be unanswered.

thanks for the reply

i guess i just feel that being unfaithful to my partner 8 years ago, when we were in our early 20s is resolutely in the past, and that it is just insane to suspect me of being unfaithful whilst visiting my parents!

just hope he stops being paranoid and is a bit more thoughtful

Every time he brings this ridiculous accusation up, repeat that you will have a DNA test performed when the baby is born, and tell him this will be followed by an immediate and very sincere apology from him for being such a twat, causing you such angst while you were already dealing with the horrors of morning sickness, and spoiling the joy of pregnancy for all concerned. Don't discuss it any more if you can avoid it unless you want to spend your pregnancy rehashing the history of your relationship and being stressed out by his insecurity -- only science will have any hope of setting his mind at rest.

Some men suddenly get cold feet about their relationship when their partner is pg and can be quite nasty. He has chosen to try to make your pregnancy all about him and his insecurities; it's a bit selfish of him to create all this drama at this point.

I am curious about the lack of sex you mentioned and also wonder if he might benefit from relationship counseling -- seems he hasn't got over the previous history of the relationship, and is willing to upset and hurt you at a time when you are low; not a kind thing to do no matter what sort of things may have gone on in the past.

Hi mathanxiety, yes, the reason I said that we'd have a DNA test done was to provoke an apology, to make him see how ridiculous the whole thing was, but I still haven't had one!

Yes, we don't have sex much because he's insecure, and thinks he's unattractive (he's not), this meant a long period (now thankfully over for more than a year) of no sex/physical contact at all, and him looking at porn all the time. Obviously this made me feel pretty crap (I blamed myself - the usual 'am I fat', 'do I not make enough of an effort') but I tried to put my own feelings aside to try and help him with his insecurities. And, this paid off, cos we started having sex again - probably once or twice a month - everything else in our relationship is fine, apart from he doesn't do any housework(!).

I suppose I feel so pissed off about his behaviour right now cos I feel like I've been really supportive, but that it's a bit of a one way process.

I'd love to know how to get it through to him that I have feelings too!

I have suggested counselling, but he dismissed the idea out of hand.

Robyn - sorry, but I understand why your DP has reacted like this. I wonder whether you both dealt properly with your previous infidelity? While I understand that for you, it is done and dusted and you would never repeat it, you are inside your head, aren't you? He isn't - and perhaps doesn't have that certainty. Add to the mix an infrequent sex life and I can understand his turmoil.

I'm afraid in your shoes, I wouldn't be insulted by his lack of trust at all - I'd understand it. It's obviously something that still causes him pain - and that can last for years. Actually, in these circumstances, I think a DNA test would be a good idea, as if not properly dealt with, his doubts might affect how he bonds with your baby. There is a secondary issue though about incomplete trust, which I think you would be wise to tackle together as a couple, before the baby arrives.

In terms of date, has he born in mind that if they said you are 11 weeks pregnant, you only actually concieved about 9 weeks ago?

Well, it's not fair to dismiss counselling out of hand. He clearly is not doing well, and the effects of his problems are now manifesting themselves in behaviour that is very upsetting and unsettling to you.

I would keep on stonewalling him/ reassuring him with the DNA test promise, stay firm, and end every discussion of the matter with the DNA promise; don't take his speculations seriously by discussing them at any length or you'll just encourage him. He really needs to get over himself and get on board with this pregnancy, in fact the whole relationship.

Or go to counselling (sorry, don't know how the rest of my post disappeared). He needs to either fish or cut bait he shouldn't have the luxury of dithering and speculating out loud and doing damage to the relationship in the process. The baby will be along before the year is out and a rocky relationship is not going to improve when sleep deprivation is thrown into the mix. This is causing him pain what's for him to lose by going to counselling?

So sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like he is a bit wrapped up in himself - but of course he does have a reason (albeit an ancient one in your mind) to suspect that you would cheat - after all you have done it before.

I think counselling would be useful. But at least, more open communication. Did he know how hurtful it was not to have any physical contact for that time (you still seem hurt by that now).

Also, the DNA test you shoudl definately do to close the door on that doubt.

hi there

thanks so much for the replies. i agree that the previous infidelity is cause for a possible fleeting doubt, but it was eight years ago! when we were young, had a long distance relationship, and he was pretty unbearable at the time - all he ever did was smoke weed, and we were always breaking up. i was working full time, but i always went to see him at the weekends, never the other way round, and paid for everything, so i was pretty resentful towards him at the time, and our relationship was pretty crappy.

we had a major breakup in 2003/4 and sorted stuff out, or so i thought. since then, we've lived together, but the no sex thing started strangely enough in 2006 when we got our own place, instead of living in a shared house, student style. everything's been pretty good recently, for the past 6 years, apart from the no sex/infrequent sex thing for the past four. he hasn't smoked weed for ages, he works, etc etc.

if i'd been unfaithful since we were in a 'proper' relationship, living together etc, i'd totally understand, but find it hard to, because we were different people then - I was only 22!, in different circumstances, living 200 miles apart. as far as i know he wasn't unfaithful to me, but he might have been - it was a pretty fraught time, and we had a break up every couple of months.

i don't really think i should do a DNA test - I would if he really pushed it, but to be honest, for me, it would kill something in our relationship because I'd feel like anything that was beautiful in it had been extinguished. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't trust me and thinks I sleep with men when I visit my parents!

also, i think i am 11 weeks, not 9, cos the person doing the scan said i was - i couldn't remember when my last period was anyway! so couldn't date it from that.

So, I think he's just got to say sorry, and realise that he was being insenstive.

thanks - this has been quite emotionally cathartic!

They take the date based on the last period. And the measurements too. Mad though it seems, when you are 5 weeks pregnant, you have only physically been pregnant for 3 weeks, so 11 = 9 weeks since you conceived. Pregnancy is 40 weeks, but actually it is really only 38 weeks since conception.

No idea why that is the case, seems mad now that I write it. But if you go on any of the 'when is my due date' sites, you put in your last period, and it tells you the due date and how many weeks you are (from that date). There are a couple out there - try googling - that tell you when you conceived too. Also, did you do the digital test when you tested, as that tells you roughly when you conceived - e.g. 2-3 weeks ago etc.

From what you say, it seems to me that this man has been dragged kicking and screaming into adulthood, settling down, and now is baulking at the idea of being a father and thus bound to adulthood and the relationship, expressing it as hurtful accusations against you. I don't think you should have to do a DNA test either -- I honestly think he has to either choose to believe you and forever hold his peace, or bail out. Sticking together and behaving like a human cactus shouldn't be an option.

But the DNA test isn't something you should be stubborn about. If you take the test and it establishes that he is the father, and he still doesn't seem to be able to get his insecurities behind him, then you should issue an ultimatum -- he should go to counselling, stop his muttering immediately, or move out. You don't need the drama he is foisting on you, not now while pregnant, and not when the baby arrives and you set about adapting to parenthood. Insecurity of the kind you have described is a bottomless pit.

Hi ROBYN,
i THINK YOU SHOULD DO THE DNA TEST. iT IS NOT A BIG DEAL, and it would give the man security. For millenia women have duped men about the paternity of their children and now men have the chance to have the same certainty as women about who is the father.
Anyway if you agree he probably wont ask for one when baby is born as he will be overwhelmed by the experience.
Good luck,
Nicola

You would be 9 weeks. They do it from last menstrual period. Also sperm can live in your body for up to SEVEN days

I am pretty amazed you managed to get pregnant if you only have sex once or twice a month. Well done!

Angry, I had sex twice in three years, and got pg twice

Bloody hell! That is lucky (if it is planned that is)

Re having sex once or twice a month... I know! that's why I was so pleased and amazed to be pregnant! Re the DNA test, it just seems mad, I never go anywhere without him, and I haven't had sex with anyone else!

Re how pregnant I am, my last period was definately some time in October, just can't remember when! So, when the scan person measured the foetus and said I was 11 weeks two days, does this mean I'm 9 weeks 2 days from the date of conception? I'm a bit confused!

Thanks again - esp to mathanxiety

have just worked out conception date if 9+2 from conception and we were on holiday, and had sex a few times... makes more sense I guess!

Yes it means that you conceived roughly nine weeks and two days ago.

A woman ovulates about 14 days before her period starts. So women who have a 28 day cycle ovulate on day 14 of their cycle. (Day 1 being the first day of their previous period.) If you had a 28 day cycle, ovulated on day 14 and got pregnant that day, you would be "2 weeks pregnant" at that moment of conception.

I suppose it's a hangover from the days when there were no scans and all they had to go on to estimate your due date was the date of the last period.

Yes, 9+2, confusing huh! Congratulations by the way.

Do try to reassure him but don't go OTT. I understand fully why you feel his doubts should have passed, regarding infidelity, however, in truth, whatever the circumstances surrounding that time, it is bound to niggle and scare him occasionally.

As I read the OP, I was thinking that he was being a complete arse in not trusting you. However, then I read that you had been unfaithful to him. And I changed my mind. You may know that you have been completely faithful, but he doesn't. And given your past history, and his issues about self esteem etc, I can see why he would have doubts. Yes, as far as you are concerned, it is over and in the past, but I think you only have to read some of the many threads on here written by women whose partners have cheated, to understand how long those doubts live insied their heads. So many of the women who are making a go of their marriages after and affair/cheating, will tell you that however long ago, it is always a tiny niggle in the back of their minds. For that reason, I think you should do whatever you can, including the DNA, to re-assure your DP. However, I suspect that as the pregnancy moves on and he gets more used to the idea of being a Daddy, he may not decide he wants a DNA test.

Apparently all men have it somewhere in the back of their minds that the baby their woman is carrying might not be theirs. I bet this thought enters 99% of men's minds at some point or other- its just that most of them manage to dismiss it or be rationale about it.

Men have no way of knowing, unlike us (without a DNA test), that a baby is carrying their genes. This is the reason for women being treated as the personal possessions of men throughout human history but don't get me started on that...

Anyway you shoud NOT NO WAY EVER agree to a DNA test. Yu should not have to. It is demeaning to you and the baby that he is unwilling to take it on faith. He has no reason not to trust you. This is his problem.

I can see why he is confused if he thought that you being 11 weeks pg means the baby was created 11 weeks ago. People have explained that this is not the case.
So you can help him by explaining that it is not 11 weeks since the baby was actually made, but 9. You will find an explantion on the internet to show him why this is the case. He should therefore be able to work out that you did have sex at the time you conceived.

Perhaps that will be enough to reasure him. It should be. Stop offering to have DNA tests though.

When a baby is born it nearly always looks like its father at first - this is nature's way of convincing the male that it is HIS child. You wil be able to point this out to him in due course!

Don't let it spoil your pregnancy - he sounds like he has a few issues and could do with some counselling.

why don't you show him this thread?

Hi Robyn - nothing to add advice wise but I hope that you manage to resolve your trust issues. Would just add the due dates are v confusing and a few of us on the ante-natal boards have been redated at scans and are going "no way". I joked with DH that if my new EDD was correct then he could not be the father - feel lucky now to have the kind of relationship where that joke can be made. Hope you get it all sorted and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

Hi mrsboogie - yes I totally agree with you! I only said the DNA test thing in a moment of anger, to make him realise that he was being ridiculous! I thought that he'd then see he was being a bit mad!

You're right, mrsboogie and Aussieng, about the due dates being confusing! Maybe when I explain that the conception dates match up to when we were on holiday he'll get over it. I have to say tho, it feels ridiculous having to convince him of this!

Hopefully it'll all work out - I'll let you know!