suspicious partner, 11+ weeks pregnant

[Robyn2010]

Hi there

This is my first time posting here... ... sorry for the long post, but i'm feeling pretty miserable, and don't want to ask friends, as I'd feel a bit about them knowing this...

I'm nearly 12 weeks pregnant, (unplanned!) and, until yesterday, was very happy with everything, even though my partner has been pretty unsympathetic about my nausea and tiredness... however, he seemed pleased about the pregnancy, and came with me to scans that I had as a result of spotting.

Anyway, yesterday, after I came into the office (which we share), and complained of severe nausea, and lay my head on the desk, he said to me 'so, I've been working out dates, and didn't you go away to your parent's when the baby should have been conceived?' I said yes, but that the scan doesn't give a 100% accurate date. I then asked him why he was asking this. He made some joke about that he might not be the father, I said that it wasn't a very funny joke (I was pretty pissed off that he was saying this, and I was feeling crap!). He pushed it a bit further, saying that he doesn't remember that we had sex around that time (we don't have sex very often but that's another story...) I said that I don't either, but it's a long time ago, but did he really think that I'd shag some bloke whilst I was at my parent's house, or did he not believe I'd gone there? Anyway, it ended up with me telling him to f off, then we had lunch and it was brushed under the carpet.

I then I brought it up later in a nice way, saying, I understand if you're feeling scared, etc etc, but that there were better ways to ask me, if he had any doubts, and that he was pretty insensitive, and he's also got to realise that I'm going through a lot here (hormones, nausea etc). He then gave me a speech, saying that at the end of the day you can't trust anyone 100% and that this is important, and he had to ask me. I said fine, if he didn?t trust me we could have a DNA test done on the baby when it is born. I said that I wasn't going to profess my innocence because I was insulted that he'd asked me this. He said that he was confused by the way I'd reacted.

I'd really like some advice on how to deal with this. I feel like we've reached an impasse here. Some background info: we've been together for 10 years, and whilst the first few years were a bit rocky (we were very young), and we broke up a few times, and I cheated on him, and he was a bit of a knob, we've had a solid relationship for the past six, and I've never so much as looked at another man.

I can't tell if I'm over reacting, but I'm so upset about this - I lay awake pretty much all night, wondering if I've made a mistake being with him, and will he make a good father etc.

Thanks for reading

Robyn, I also think you're underestimating his insecurity. What you said about him having self-worth issues, etc, shows he still doesn't feel "good enough" for you in some ways. Bless.

You respected his doubts enough to get your sex life (nearly) back on track; well done you for that. But clearly there is stuff lingering there, and he seems to need more affirmation from you than he is currently getting.I know he "shouldn't" feel like he does, but life is never perfect and people's feelings really do matter!

Re the conception date, if you know when your last period was then calculate your due date here and count 40 weeks back from there.
Rather than demanding an apology from him, try doing more of what you did before, to let him know he really is the one you chose to make a family with!

Fwiw, I don't see anything wrong with having a DNA test (when you baby's born) if it helps.

no, no, no she shouldn't have to prove he is the father. What if DNA tests didn't exist?

Agree in principle with what you are saying Mrsboogie. I'd probably agree to the DNA test and then use the confirmation as a platform to discuss the ongoing insecurities and trust issues and deal with them properly. That means a 6-7 month wait though which is tough...

That's why I'd stonewall him with the promise of a test while she waits for the birth, just to make him shut up.

It's a relationship issue not a paternity issue. Obviously Robyn doesn't "have to prove" it, she knows who the father is! But - the father of her child is insecure in the relationship. She's already established that his insecurity is the bug behind their reduced sex life, and she's "half" addressed it.

If she can help him to a full sense of security in the relationship, then he'll be a more engaged Dad, their sex life will be great and the future looks rosy

What's wrong with that?

you know, i had a similar (brief) conversation with dh when i told him I was pg with dc1 (before we were married)

he was delighted then after some thought asked me if it was def his. I was FURIOUS. He had trust issues based on previous relationships but not based on anything I had done.

I felt this question was highly unfair and totally inappropriate, and a loud 'how dare you even ASK me that?!' put a stop to it

it was never spoken of again, but i must admit it does piss me off if i ever think of it now

might work for you

By no means do babies always look like their father when they come out - I have no idea where this idea came from, or why it is so pervasive, but it is false. My little one came out looking like neither of us and if you tell him this and your baby doesn't look like him, you'll just start it all up again.

Another one who doesn't think a DNA test should be necessary, and that it is pandering to his insecurities. I fully understand why he has these insecurities, but this is not the way to address them.

If he were to demand that you stop going out with your friends (so that he always knows where you are), would you give in to such a demand? Hardly, since that's not what a healthy relationship is based on.

Explain how pregnancy dating works (that you're two weeks less further on than the official date), work out when you had sex around that time, and ask him to show you a bit of common courtesy in believing that you wouldn't pull the wool over his eyes on such an important matter.

She needs to teach him how to treat her -- I like okYa's approach. He needs to understand he is not permitted to let his irrational mind run away with him out loud.