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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you stop this??

48 replies

MrsTriangle · 13/01/2010 19:19

It's just so frustrating and I try so hard not to get sucked in but DH's need to have the last word in the childish manner that he does it REALLY winds me up.

Tonight he walks in the door and:

DH: Do I think it's reasonable to have both our buggies in the shared hallway (reasonable tone of voice).

Me: No - I didn't have the chance to sort it out earlier which is why they're still there. (to me, explanatory tone of voice)

DH: I was just asking (arsy tone of voice).

Me: I know, I was just saying why.

DH : I was just asking (I have to have the last word so I will just keep repeating what I said)

....and so it went on, I just repeated myself and it of course just deteriorated and went on and on and on and on. He makes me so mad as it was him that initiated the ping pong as he always does.

What other response could I give? He is extremely argumentative generally and we have issues with that, so it's important that I'm not passive all the time. Picking my battles leads to verbal bullying. Saying something after each occasion seems to keep things at bay a bit.

Please help - I am still furious and it was an hour ago.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 13/01/2010 19:29

Tell him how it winds you up at another time, and then when you notice him doing it, remind him! I have to have the last word as well and often I don't notice I'm doing it.

Original poster
MrsTriangle · 13/01/2010 19:38

oh he knows he's doing it ok and when I change my response to 'why must you have the last word', he just carries on with his initial response 'I was just asking' (or whatever it is at the time'.

It's like when a child says 'ner ner n ner ner' to another one as a retort. Absolutely dreadful.

I am in absolutely no doubt that if I bring it up another time, it will immediately result in an argument. That's unfortunately not an option.

Out of interest, would you stop if you knew it was annoying your DP or would it make you do it more? I'm just wondering if it might be dangerous to mention it at all!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsTriangle · 13/01/2010 19:39

oh and thank you for replying

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snowpoint · 13/01/2010 19:40

I know this one well, it's very wearing.

I'd call him on it next time he does it, and say how sick you are of it. Don't fall into the trap of tiptoeing round him, it's childish and you don't need to tolerate it.

How does the verbal bullying work? What kind of things is he saying to you?

Zoomy · 13/01/2010 19:41

Me: No - I didn't have the chance to sort it out earlier which is why they're still there. (to me, explanatory tone of voice)

...should be followed by..."Will you bring them in please?"

ItsGraceAgain · 13/01/2010 19:42

Umm, let him have the last word?
What happens if you don't reply to the first "just asking"?

ItsGraceAgain · 13/01/2010 19:43

Yes, I meant to say what Zoomy did as well.

Original poster
MrsTriangle · 13/01/2010 19:44

Snowpoint: how would I call him up on it? Can you give me an example of what I could say?

oh if I mentioned it he would just turn on me and talk at me hard and fast about all the things he doesn't like that I do and I wouldn't get a word in edgeways. We've talked about that a number of times too. I have learnt that with him I need to say something at the time about the one thing that's going on at that time.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsTriangle · 13/01/2010 19:46

Zoomy - yes I could but I hate to ask people to clear up after me!

Zoomy and ItsGraceAgain - yes he absolutely can have the last word and apart from tonight I usually just let it go but it just annoys me SO much and I just wasn't in the mood to do that tonight. I should have but I just want him to stop doing it and I wanted to annoy him as much as he was annoying me for a change.

it's biscuitstuffer by the way -namechange

OP posts:
snowpoint · 13/01/2010 19:47

Thing is, with men like this, over time it becomes unbearable to keep giving in to them. It's like living with a toddler in an adult's body. Which reminds me that a book I once read on verbally abusive men actually put their maturity age at about 5 years old in many cases. It's like they never progress beyond the childish ner ner stage.

MrsTriangle, what happens if you do argue?

Mamazon · 13/01/2010 19:47

your saying he has to have the last word so why continue with teh conversation once its ended? from your description it sounds as if you too wish to have the last word.

just say "ok then" and leave it.

EmilyStrange · 13/01/2010 19:47

Stick your tongue out at him and say ner ner ner ner. Maybe it will give him a hint that he is being childish.

Original poster
MrsTriangle · 13/01/2010 19:48

so I'm thrashing it out with you lovelies so I can be witty and ready next time.

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snowpoint · 13/01/2010 19:53

Sorry, x post there. You need to get the Verbally Abusive man book, I think it's by Patricia Evans - I bet you'd be amazed at how much of your DH you recognise in there.

You need to be calm and firm with him. Make your point, and don't be drawn into further discussion about your "bad points." That's a classic tactic I'm afraid. Bring him back to the subject, and then if he can't discuss it properly, simply say "I'm not going to continue this conversation." and leave the room or move on to something else. Do not tolerate the character assassinations, if you hear them enough it starts to whittle away your self esteem.

I really do sympathise. It's hellish to live like this.

Zoomy · 13/01/2010 19:57

I don't like asking people to clear up after me either but the buggies weren't bothering you they were bothering him...if he's so bothered he can move the them.

Sorry, but I don't do this 'gameplaying' trying to wind me up stuff very well.

"There's nothing to eat...." from DH when wanting me to do tea...gets a "Oh well, you'd better go to the shop then." Guess what suddenly he finds something to eat!

DH..."Where's my so and so.." when he wants me to find his stuff...gets a "Wherever you left it!"

DH..."Have you ironed my shirt?" when knowing full well our ironing pile is the size of a small mountain..gets a "No but don't have the iron too high when you do iron your shirt or you will burn it!"

See...I just don't play the manipulative DH game very well!

Zoomy · 13/01/2010 20:03

Oh and just in case anyone wondered my DH is not abusive at all...he just gets me mixed up with his mother occasionally!

PfftTheMagicDragon · 13/01/2010 20:09

When he asks next time simply reply "no, you don't like it - so have you put them away?"

You are not the only one with arms and legs I assume? I hate this passive aggressive way of telling you off, like you are a small child.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 13/01/2010 20:12

Thinking about it, why even grace him with an answer?

He's not asking a question to which he wants an answer. He knows the answer, he is being a knob to cause an argument, or to make you feel small, or make himself look better, or just to be a knob.

Or try saying "what do you think?"

Original poster
MrsTriangle · 13/01/2010 20:15

Thank you so much for your replies.
I have to say that I didn't take it as him telling me off or getting me to move the buggy - I took it at face value and gave a face value reply (I thought). I often have split opinions on things and can't decide what the right thing to do is and I assumed he was genuinely asking me.

Having thought about it though, I wouldn't have dreamt of saying it to him! I would have either just brought it in and said why if he questioned why, or, if I genuinely didn't know whether it was ok to have it there or not, I would have responded by 'oh that's ok, I wasn't meaning that you should have brought it in, I was just wondering if we could actually leave them out there'. That would have been the end of it but instead he takes the argumentative tack.

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ILovePlayingDarts · 13/01/2010 20:18

I have to say that if my DH came in with the question "Do I think it's reasonable?" (whatever "it" is), he'd get an answer along the lines of "I'm not a mind-reader, how would I know?" Luckily, he's not like that.

Original poster
MrsTriangle · 13/01/2010 20:18

Mamazon - yes I know and you're completely right. The only issue with DH is that if I passively accept all his argumentative crap then it gets bad very quickly in that he becomes even more argumentative over a few days and I end up not coping.

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thesteelfairy · 13/01/2010 20:21

"The only issue with DH is that if I passively accept all his argumentative crap then it gets bad very quickly in that he becomes even more argumentative over a few days and I end up not coping."

I had a dh like this. I tried every tactic, nothing worked. He is my xh now.

Nuff said.

thesteelfairy · 13/01/2010 20:23

Oh and I actually had a nervous breakdown after years of "fighting him off" and constantly having to assert myself to not be treated like a naughty child.

Original poster
MrsTriangle · 13/01/2010 20:31

I am finding that by giving a short sharp thrift coupled with being blunt and factual that generally things are much better BUT he SO presses my buttons!

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Original poster
MrsTriangle · 13/01/2010 20:33

Ah in fact - that's a prime example of where I went wrong.

When he asked if it was reasonable etc, I should have just said 'no' instead of saying why they were still there.

I hate having to watch what I say to this degree.

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