How do you stop this??

[MrsTriangle]

It's just so frustrating and I try so hard not to get sucked in but DH's need to have the last word in the childish manner that he does it REALLY winds me up.

Tonight he walks in the door and:

DH: Do I think it's reasonable to have both our buggies in the shared hallway (reasonable tone of voice).

Me: No - I didn't have the chance to sort it out earlier which is why they're still there. (to me, explanatory tone of voice)

DH: I was just asking (arsy tone of voice).

Me: I know, I was just saying why.

DH : I was just asking (I have to have the last word so I will just keep repeating what I said)

....and so it went on, I just repeated myself and it of course just deteriorated and went on and on and on and on. He makes me so mad as it was him that initiated the ping pong as he always does.

What other response could I give? He is extremely argumentative generally and we have issues with that, so it's important that I'm not passive all the time. Picking my battles leads to verbal bullying. Saying something after each occasion seems to keep things at bay a bit.

Please help - I am still furious and it was an hour ago.

He, like my mother (no-one else seemingly) misreads my tone and bites back. Neither of them ever assume that I mean the best.

Friends watching me communicate with either of them say (unprompted) that I'm very good with them and that they couldn't keep their calm the way I do.

it is ok to sometimes respond, if he presses your buttons but then wish you hadnt you could always say sorry for letting it get into an arguement.

I also think you should maybe consider asking for help sometimes too.

Good luck with him though

Mrs Triangle your DH started this nonsense the minute he got in?

If this is the case then maybe all this has faff all to do with you or the buggies and more to do with him having a bad day or getting stuck in traffic, etc, etc.

So, I wouldn't be taking all this angst on my shoulders until I was sure my DH's issue was actually with me.

You are all being lovely thank you so much for listening to my witterings and your helpful comments.

I think having v young children is prob a stress on both of us too.

Sorry MrsT have only just seen your question. Yes I try to stop myself doing it as I am aware it irritates people.

I'm sure it is a stress, it was for me too. But I bet he doesn't stop as the dc's get older, mine didn't.

If others are noticing it, and commenting, then it probably is quite bad. Get that book, have a read and then come back and talk to us. I wish you well with it all. My story unfortunately ended in a pretty similar way to TheSteelFairy, I really hope yours doesn't and you can sort this out.

BB - did someone tell you it's irritating or did you work it out from responses you got?

Snowpoint - thanks for the book tip. Also - some of the things I've had trouble with as it were, he does to DD and gets a similar response and I will say something then. He is improving - slowly.

I don't know whether it's just a dominant personality trait in some people, rather than abusiveness. I spent a good while trying to figure that one out with XH, and still am not entirely sure whether he was an abusive cock, or just a cock.

Either way, the book should help you figure out some strategies to deal with this behaviour and hopefully it can be sorted.

You know you need to stop him from doing this to your dd, I'm glad you feel you can at least confront him when he does.

OP-he asked you if you thought it was reasonable for both buggies to be in the hall?
I think that´s really patronising tbh!

The children & I use bikes everyday.
I always put mine away.
The children don´t always put theirs away.

If they are still out when husband gets home he does it himself or tells the children.

If I could have been bothered they wouldn´t still be there so there´s no point telling me about it!

diddl, you have a valid point but in this case I don't think it's really about the buggies though, it's about having control and the upper hand all the time. You just can't reason with men like this in the way that you should be able to.

How are things MrsT?

I think he's a bit horrid.

He's only just stopped cold shouldering me.

Oh dear, what a baby.

Zoomy's replies are really good, IMO. I remember when XH first tried this on with me, he stormed around one morning, roaring "Haven't I got any clean shirts?!" I replied, sweetly, "I don't know, did you wash any?"

You're right, I think, to reply only to the face value parts of what he says. Make that only the sensible parts, too - like, "Is it reasonable " is not sensible; it's a did. So ignore it. The best reply would have been "Oh, yeah, can you bring them in please?"

To encourage you, I have known wives completely reverse this kind of behaviour by acting as if they're having a reasonable exchange with an equal grown-up! It's transactional analysis again. I know it's tempting to bite back, but that's playing the 'critical Parent' - 'rebellious Child' game. And that's the game you want to change.

Good luck, we're all rooting for you!

• "it's a dig"

Added again: Do remember to 'reward' the nice things he says/does. Not going overboard, but when he give him a quick smile and a "Thanks"

Okay, I'm off now - at last.

BRING THEM IN YOURSELF YOU WORTHLESS C**T

would have been the correct response.

I think it all depends on how the rest of your relationship is, and how happy you are generally. If this is the only downside to an otherwise great marriage, then I think ItsGraceAgain's advice is spot on.

If it isn't, and there's more going on, then I think a couple of counselling sessions might be worth a try - preferably on your own, to help you get some strategies to deal with this.

I have to say though - cold shouldering you for nearly 24 hours over something so trivial really isn't healthy or reasonable behaviour.

i had a boyf who used to come over from work and criticise me before greeting me, and it's horrible! i think there is an element of control as i used to dread him coming over if i hadn't done this, that or the bloody other.
now i sound like zoomy if anyone DARES criticise how i run my home. on really good days i will acually take someones head off for attempting to criticise (defensive? me? nooo)

how infuriating! I would just say,"if they are bothering you, you could bring them in/move them, thanks!"

I didn't realise I sounded THAT bad maristella!

No matter DH is well trained now and my 'non engaging' replies and body language are very rarely needed anymore.

Oh and as ItsGraceAgain has said...I always remembered the "Thanks" or noticed how nice DH looked after ironing his own shirt, asked him if he'd had enough to eat after doing his own tea ......etc etc!

MrsT,

If this was a one-off ignore my advice, but if this and the ignoring is a regular occurance that leaves you confused, misunderstood, frustrated, sad, etc then...

Please DO consider the book,

or see this site www.verbalabuse.com

or google it on Amazon, - if there's anything that strikes a chord with you, then definately buy the book.

But in anycase some of the advice relating to the verbal abuser could be useful to you.

Briefly - when you start to recognise a repeated unreasonable behaviour on his part ........

Do not concentrate on what he is saying,

Do not try to explain what you mean, what you meant, how it happened.

just....

tell him

"stop it"

" listen to yourself"

"don't talk to me like that"

"stop speaking like that to me right now"

"I don't like the way you are talking to me" (and leave the room)

Your original question was: How do you stop this?

I think you have almost given yourself the answer.

Tell him to stop it.

ah sorry Zoomy!!
my hormones keep making me press caps lock and type fierce things!!
well i'm not being fierce (hormonal) ie, on a good day i kinda sound all straightforward like in your post