Ultimatum to end ping-pong behaviour...

[BelleDameSansMerci]

Was going to name change but thought I'd rather be "me" if that makes sense.

Have just issued an ultimatum of "you need to get this sorted by the end of this year or we're through" variety to man I've been seeing for six years and who is DD's father. Have effectively said that seven years is enough.

Basically, he was separated when we met but is still not divorced; doesn't live with us; and is not committing to us. I strongly suspect that he's actually not sure if he wants to be with us or his ex and two children.

Feeling a bit relieved to have said it but also a bit scared that he might actually make a decision! If he chooses us that means I then have to make a commitment to him (I'm quite commitment phobic). If he doesn't I'll be really upset but probably better off. I suppose he'll always be around in some way because of DD but I'm sure we can handle things in a civilised way.

Not sure what I'm hoping for by posting this - think it might just be cathartic to do it but also suspect there will be some blunt speaking here that I won't like very much!

Trying not to cry my eyes out in front of DD but it's hard not to. Just so fed up with being the one having to cope 90% alone with no end in sight.

Thank you - that made me actually laugh (cackle) out loud!

in a few days he will come crawling back

have you resolved in your own head what you will do when that happens ?

how are you going to make sure you don't cave in to a few sweet words of love and loss?

you do know he is still sleeping with his wife, don't you ?

there is no doubt in my mind about that, sorry

Yeah, I don't really like to admit that he is most likely sleeping with her.

There's a load of other stuff that I can't post too specifically on here but let's just say he hasn't even always kept it to the two of us. He worked abroad for a while - to clear his head (ha bloody ha) - and lo and behold ended up shagging someone else. That was years ago but I can still remember the hurt when I called him and he was so obviously disappointed when it was me.

It's not helped by the fact that he is so bloody good looking - all tall, dark and handsome. He has called this evening but I didn't answer the phone. He's left me a message saying that I've made this about me and our DD not just about he and I. WTF? It is about both of us, surely?

I'll be fine. I'm just a bit miserable. I have some good friends who "owe" me some serious shoulder time! Plus a lovely male friend (who I sadly don't fancy) who will insist on spoiling me loads to cheer me up. I will be fine. I will be fine. I will be fine.

but you will go back to him...

won't you ?

If he actually gives me what I want then yes. If he won't then no. Not this time.

I don't think I can do this to myself any more. I'm crap at choosing men. I know why but it doesn't seem to stop me from doing it.

I'm not an "anything is better than nothing" person. I've never been like that.

The fact that it's ending makes me feel physically sick. I even live where I do because of him. All sorts of things are wrapped up with this, including one aspect of my work. I can change all those things but it is quite a big prospect.

I've left it a long time without facing it and even today I was tempted to leave it but if I don't follow through now then I risk my DD growing up thinking that this relationship is "normal" and repeating the same shit patterns that I replicate. I'm not a martyr but I know I wouldn't do it for myself but I will do it for her. Not noble, just fearful for her future. Not expressing myself very well probably.

I tend to cover up how I really feel with jokes or by saying "I'll be fine" (in case that wasn't already apparent). I don't like facing the reality of my feelings - I've always been scared of where that might take me.

DON'T DO IT!!!
Keep away from the light. Walk towards us, that's right, keep walking. No, don't look at the light. Good girl, keep walking THIS WAY. This is the safe side. A few more steps, you'll be safe.

You will survive

I don't know your back story belle, I don't know "why" you choose crap men

(I do know you are rather fiesty, funny and fab, from other threads I've seen you on, though...)

I cannot understand why you want this man though, other than the emotional tie because he is your dd's father (strong, of course, but IMO not strong enough to put up with shit)

you acknowledge is is shagging his wife, you know of one other (I suggest if you know of one, there are lots more...)

he appears to be a serial shagger, and a commitment-phobe

ok, ask him to commit to you, maybe he will

but do you want to be where his wife is now, in 5 years time

if he wanted you, he would have chosen you a long time ago

you are turning a blind eye to the fact that he is a happy philanderer...he won't change for you, sorry

and if you have tolerated it so far, he obviously thinks you will continue to do so and are just being "difficult" now you say you don't want to (but he will assume, it's just temporary and normal service will soon be resumed...)

he will bide his time, get you sweet again with empty promises, then fuck you around

I don't care how goodlooking he is, although he probably does, I could not spend my life scanning the room at a party for any "competition"

I lived that once, and would never do it again

if I am way off, please feel free to tell me to go fuck myself

The awful thing is that I absolutely know that if we were together he would be shagging someone else at some point (probably sooner rather than later).

Really much too honestly, I don't know any more if I want him because I want him or because I've wanted him so long that I am determined to get him regardless of what I do with him afterwards. That sounds awful, I know, but I can't get the thought clear in my mind.

This just isn't good enough on any level. No man is worth having if he doesn't want to voluntarily live and spend time with you and your child.

You are going to have to dig deep, because I bet if he thinks you are ending it then suddenly he'll fancy the pants off you and try to use his charms to make you cave in. Then once he's comfy it'll be business as usual and you're back where you started.

You and your DD deserve a million times better than this feckless cheat. I don't care if he looks like Daniel Craig's big brother, he will bring you nowt but bad news.

But you have the power and strength to make a change. You absolutely can do it.

walk away belle, with your head held high

and mean it

your self-respect and peace of mind are worth more than just one man

this isn't a competition, he isn't a prize to "win"

he is not some messiah, some higher being

I can never understand women who place a man above themselves

maybe I am just selfish, but your dc is really only a secondary player here and he comes in at a very lowly 105'th

she will always be ok, she has you

but who will look after you ?

No, AF, you are unfortunately bloody spot on. I think we cross posted... And thank you for your kinder comments

I know he's a shit. And if this were one of my friends I'd be fuming on her behalf and telling her to get the hell out.

My back story isn't all that unusual really. Parents married v young - both had affairs that I knew about. Father even has daughter by someone else that my parents were going to adopt into our family at one stage. Father an alcoholic. Used to beat my mum up got worse as we got older. Anyway, there was also abuse (not by my dad)although not much and not really bad IYSWIM.

Anyway, upshot is that I don't trust men very much and have a difficult time being honest about what I want/need and always seek to protect myself. Am very independent as a result but also can be very aloof. I have a tendency to attract "alpha male" types but they are usually interested in the persona that I show at work and that's not really me. It's like "ultra me" but it's fake. Then, whey they find out it's not real they don't want the person underneath. I thought this one was different but I've just been wasting my bloody time for six years.

I'm posting too much detail here but this is really cathartic for me.

And, AF, your comment about placing him above me has really made me think. He is absolutely not above me in any way but I have let him become that. I've catered to his whims and desires for years and now that I have DD things have deteriorated because I just don't/won't do that any more.

I need to find the person I was before my DD and drag her back. Since having DD, I have lost loads of confidence. I need "me". I need a hefty dose of "what would Madonna do?"

Belle if you can walk away now I would. Financially it is good that you aren't dependent on him but I can see that emotionally you are hugely dependent and it is doing you no good whatsoever. If you are finding it hard to think it is over just focus on how crap it has really been over the last 6 years and what would that be like if in another 4 or 5 years you are still in the same position. Same but different - you will be a bit older, a bit more worn down and your self worth will be non-existent. Don't waste any more time on him.

I won't say welcome to being a lone parent as that is what you already are, even if you don't completely see it that way.

As is often said (but it always bears saying again) there is nothing more demoralising, pointless and damaging to your self-esteem than trying to 'make' someone love you. If he loved you and wanted to have a committed relationship with you, he would have done so by now. There isn't anything wrong with being in a longterm non-exclusive relationship if that's what you want, of course, but hanging on hoping and trying to be the perfect partner of someone who simply isn't that bothered, is a recipe for misery.
Well done for deciding to cut your losses rather than carry on for another 7 years.

the only time you would waste is if you invested any more in this one

what do you mean...the person underneath ? We are all someone different for different situations

but if you can't be yourself and are "pretending" for this bloke, I see heartache ahead

do you deliberately set out to jinx yourself ?

a decent bloke would see the real you, and decide with no hesitation (and no dipping his wick elsewhere...) that you are enough for him

hold out for that, stop trying to tame the dip-wicker

would Madonna put a man above herself ?

no, she would fuck him off, change her image and go find someone else to worship her

she would not humiliate herself, not in a fucking million years

< to anyone thinking...wtf does Madonna have to do with this?, it is a private thing 'tween Bella and me, OK ? >

Stop making me smile, dammit, I'm nursing a broken heart here (and a Bailey's). If I think of him as the dip-wicker that should help.

I actually only have to think of the endless disappointments and, even now, the times that he says he's coming to see us and then doesn't. I don't even tell DD when he's supposed to be coming now as I can't take it when he doesn't turn up and she is upset. She's only 2 and she already knows that he can't be relied on. That's not good.

I do have a huge emotional investment in this man but he's not the love of my life. And my mother nas never liked him and refers to him as "that bloody man" so perhaps we should go and stay with her for a few days!

Anyway, thank you all so much for your support. It makes a huge difference. I'm off to bed now.

Although this is making me sad it also feels like a huge relief. I think that's quite telling...

"What would Madonna do?"

Q: Is this guy fun to be with?
A: Check.

Q: What is he doing to further my career?
A: Zilch.

Q: Are his genes so exceptional I want him to father another child?
A: Uncheck.

Q: Can he get me introductions to new people I want to meet?
A: No.

Q: Is he teaching me stuff I want to learn?
A: No.

Q: Is he giving me money I couldn't get elsewhere?
A: Nope.

Q: What is he doing to build my emotional confidence?
A: Zip.

Q: Is the sex better than I could possibly hope to find elsewhere?
A: Ask me when I've looked everywhere else!

"What would Madonna do"? Are you joking??

seeing the light will make you feel like shit

but not as shit as continuing to delude yourself...

< dances around, singing "Borderline"...>

< vogues >

I'm supposed to be going to bed!

Love the Madonna check list - just love it.

Had to be that one, of course, having heard it about 10 times today... DD's current fave.

oh, don't get me started on the lyrics shout-outs

you will never get to bed

belle, I loves ya, and think you deserve better

that is all

Hi Belle, how are you?