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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyf 10 yrs my junior... shld i knock it on the head now?

28 replies

PintandChips · 13/01/2010 13:35

er, i am 40, and 5 months ago met a lovely man, who is 30. I have a 3yo DS who spends 3 nights a week at his dad's.

It's all been going brilliantly with lovely man, we get on SO well, but he has recently been having health issues and has been told by a heart specialist (that's how bad it's been) that's it's all down to stress.

He has talked to me about how freaked out he is that i've had this whole 'previous life' and that he feels an acute pressure in our relationship because of my age (he really wants kids) - we've been taking it slowly and he has only met DS briefly a couple of times. He has no experience with kids and was petrified, but it went well. Usually I go to stay at his place when DS is at his dad's.

I am getting frustrated that the relationship isn't moving on and i feel like i am living two lives - one with him in town and one with DS in the country (an hour away). At the same time i don't want to rush into anything.

He thinks that our relationship is a contributing factor to the stress, as he has never even been in love before and now suddenly he is, and it's with someone with so much baggage... but he says the thought of being without me is worse than the stress he is experiencing.

Everyone keeps saying if we love each other enough it will work itself out, and he keeps saying it will all work out in the end, but i can't help thinking i should just knock it on the head now and get on with finding someone more suitable (i.e. my age with own kids).

I do feel that i want to get on with it, i want a family, not just a boyfriend... am i being my own worst enemy? i am not really expressing this to him as i don't want to scare the life out of him, but he's a clever boy and is aware of the pressure that my age puts on us and what that means.

Anyone had a similar situation that's worked out well??? i don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:

Malificence · 13/01/2010 13:44

It doesn't sound to me like he's anywhere near emotionally fit to be a father, if he finds your situation stressful how on earth will he cope with the realities of family life?
Would you like another child at your age? Could you cope if he couldn't hack fatherhood and did a runner?

It sounds like you would always be the one in the supportive role, he sounds very immature and "stressy" - not a good combination.

Original poster

PintandChips · 13/01/2010 13:50

i would like another child, but it would have to be soon, in the next two years.

I don't need him to be a father to my DS, he has a very close relationship with his dad and doesn't need a new one, but that's probably not what you meant i've just realised... in my experience very few men are ready to be a father until the day they have their baby in their arms, and even then not always!

he is realistic and caring, supportive and reliable, certainly not the type to do a runner... comes from really lovely, very close and supportive family. he is more mature than most of the boyfriends i've had before, certainly more so than DS's dad... i think i'm just not what he imagined he'd end up with! his life has been so perfect so far... and he lives with mates, all their girlfriends are in their 20's... god as i type this i can see how ridiculous it sounds....

i should run a mile really.

OP posts:

BrahmsThirdRacket · 13/01/2010 14:07

The age itself isn't really that important, it's when the whole having kids/not debate comes up that it becomes difficult. If he wasn't bothered about having them, then I would say it will probably work itself out, he will stop being so freaked etc. But if he really wants kids and you don't/can't conceive more then it could be a dealbreaker.

A ten year age gap with the woman older isn't 'ridiculous' in itself, stop beating yourself up!

mrsboogie · 13/01/2010 14:40

hmm.. I am 13 years older than my DP and we have been together for 7 years and have a 16mo DS. So we were together a fair while before I got pg (at 40) and I waited until he said he was ready.

Age is not an issue if it doesn't bother either of you and if you have enough in common that it doesn't make a gulf between you.

What is a worry is all this "stressy" stuff. Sounds like he has a problem with your age even though he doesn't want to. What does it matter that you have had a previous life? has he not? who says one previous marriage and a 3 year old is a load of "baggage"??- he could have met a 25 year old with 3 kids!
It's not baggage - its life - what does he expect - a vestal virgin?

he is 30 - don't call him a boy - even though he sounds like he acts like one. If you think of him as such you probably shouldn't be entering parenthood with him.

There are warning bells rining for me but its got nothing to do with the age gap between you both.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/01/2010 14:44

I think you should just take it slower - its been 20 weeks.

He sounds like a great guy and sounds really fond of you - he may just need time to come to terms with this relationship and it being different than what he expected.

There is 7 years between dh and I and it all worked out fine.

Anniegetyourgun · 13/01/2010 14:45

May I also point out that he's 30, not 20. You refer to him as "a clever boy" at one point; he's a grown man, not a boy (or a parrot...). Just think how many people have a crisis on their 30th birthday because they think they're old!

My mother had her third child at 44, btw, and my grandmother had her 12th at 49, so there's hope.

Original poster

PintandChips · 13/01/2010 14:57

Thanks for all the responses... it's not the age gap that bothers either of us specifically i don't think, it's the fact that because i'm 40 there is a lot of pressure around the kids issue. If we are going to have kids together we need to think about doing it soon because of my age, and that means we have to make some big decisions about each other sooner than we'd like to. In an ideal world we'd have a couple of years together before thinking about having kids... but that will make me 42, and while i appreciate that lots of people DO manage to conceive at that age, there really are a lot more don't.

And if i don't manage it does that mean we split up so he can go and find someone else to have kids with? brilliant. But it is of massive importance to him to have a family.

Lauriefairycake i think you are right, but i think the babies-at-my-age issue hangs over us all the time.

i feel like i'm going round in circles. there is no answer.

Thanks.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/01/2010 15:01

he sounds like a dick who is always going to be hard work, personally

at the moment you are only staying with him when your ds is out of the picture

if your bf can't cope with all that you represent, what will you do with the 3yo when you live with him, lock him in the cupboard ?

the age gap is the least of your problems

if you want a bit of a fling, fine, go for it, but this 30 yo "boy" is not longterm relationship material

for goodness sake, I hope you are using very reiable contraception, do not get pg by this man-child

I certainly would never make a life with someone who "found himself disappointed at ending up with someone like me"

Original poster

PintandChips · 13/01/2010 15:01

also, Mrsboogie, i think you're right. i think he has a problem with my age even though he doesn't want to.

i think he has a problem with things not being 'normal' (for want of a better expression) because his entire life has been so perfect up until now, and he always thought he would do the meet, get married, have babies thing. The dream. His parents are like the perfect couple. He had his heart set on that, that's why he hasn't had a proper relationship before, i think, because no-one was up to scratch...

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/01/2010 15:02

you have an answer, pint

it is staring you in the face

AnyFucker · 13/01/2010 15:03

run, run away fast

Original poster

PintandChips · 13/01/2010 15:23

AF you will be pleased to hear i have an anti-baby implant in my arm so it would take the sperm of superman to get me up the duff. so that's not an issue right now.

i don't think he would be disappointed at ending up with me, and he really really doesn't want to break up with me (he thinks i'm amazing... perhaps that's the clue i've been looking for to the state of his mental health!), but i think he's not programmed to cope with skiing off-piste, as it were, and something, somewhere, deep in his psyche is having a hissy fit that he's in love with a 40yo single mum... and that iss manifesting itself in physical ailments...

but you're right. i think the answer is staring me in the face.

bugger.

OP posts:

mrsboogie · 13/01/2010 15:45

oh, god yes, run away. He has totally unrealistic expectations - ok maybe his parents do have the semblance of the perfect marriage (I bet it isn't perfect really) but he might be waiting a long time before he manages to get himself the same.

He sounds rather hidebound by convention.

and immature.

I wouldn't be surprised if he did run away once you had had a baby, into the arms of some "perfect" woman exactly his age, with no kids and a rather unnerving physical resemblance to his mother.

VinegarTits · 13/01/2010 15:56

I think you both need to relax a little bit and stop worrying about the age gap, the rush to have babies, the baggage etc

Maybe concentrate on spending more time together, and let him get to know your dc a bit more, he might start to relax a little and then things might start to flow naturally

If its ment to be then you stay togther, what have you got to loose?

MakeYerOwnDamnDinner · 13/01/2010 16:14

I really feel for you.

I fell in love with someone 13 years younger than me about eighteen months ago. I too only saw him when my children were with their father, which was once a week. He lived a two hour drive away and was prepared to do a four hour round trip every week to see me, so I thought he really loved me too.

He was in his early twenties. We were together for over a year, but of course in the end I suppose the novelty wore off, the reality that I was a single mum of three hit him, and he ended the relationship about three months ago.

He, no doubt, hasn't given it a backwards glance. But I am heartbroken and feel a total fool for thinking things could have ever worked out between us.

I realise my situation is a little different from yours, but I would still say: Be Careful.

Original poster

PintandChips · 13/01/2010 16:19

VinegarTits, that's exactly what his mum said!

I'm finding it difficult advice to follow tbh, and the more i think about it, the more i start to think the problem is actually with me... i'm so scared of being dumped i don't want to let myslef get too involved and get hearbroken.

i want complete and total commitment from him before i will let myself get too close. i want a guarantee that he won't leave me. i have never been dumped by anyone, i always do the running.

oh god, it's so annoying when you realise it's not someone else's fault after all.

thanks all, this has probably saved me several hundred pounds in therapy fees.

OP posts:

didoreth · 13/01/2010 16:33

My dp is 13 years younger than me. We've now been together 5 years and have a 20month old ds - born when I was 46. We are total soulmates.
I agree with VinegarTits -five months is really not very long at all. Relax. Enjoy it. Get to know him and see how things develop. Its way too early to be worrying about commitment. If you're meant to be together, your age will not be an issue.

AnyFucker · 13/01/2010 17:50

pint, there are never any guarantees

autumnlight · 13/01/2010 17:59

My H is ten years younger than me. He appeared to have the commitment in theory - we got married and had kids - at that time I was 39, he 29. But the reality is he had no interest or commitment to a marriage/family. In fact - he told me years ago that before me he never was interested in having a girlfriend - didn't want to be answerable to anyone/have commitment etc..... I should have listened!!!!!!

VinegarTits · 13/01/2010 18:30

Pint if you are relaxed and happy he will be too, it will make for the start of a good relationship, there are no guarantees, and commitment comes with time, he sounds like he wants to settle down but there is tension in your relationship because you are both worrying far too much

at the end of the day you need to figure out what you want, either too make a go of it, like you have nothing to loose, or dump him and start the search for a new life partner all over again

I hope it works out for you both

Zoomy · 13/01/2010 19:07

My instinct is that you will end up being this mans mother rather then his partner.

I find it difficult to believe a man of 30 would not expect a woman of his own age to have 'baggage' let alone someone a bit older than him??

I wonder how on earth he would cope if you ended up living together as a family or if you perhaps needed his support for any problems??

He seems very immature to me, but not because of his physical age but due to his emotional immaturity.

My DH and I are of a similar age to you so am basing my thoughts on how we interact.

Original poster

PintandChips · 13/01/2010 20:38

Thanks everyone. I am going to try and be relaxed and happy, and stop worrying about it, and see what happens.

A man my own age is just as likely to bugger off as a man of 30, after all!

fingers crossed, eh.

OP posts:

Original poster

PintandChips · 07/02/2010 16:26

a little update on this: he dumped me.

he did have the courtesy to cry and say it could be the biggest mistake of his life, but he still did it.

Not ready to be part of a family... Doesn't want to miss out on all the stuff that is supposed to happen first - i guess that means a couple of years of of being fiendishly in love and having holidays without kids and no responsibility.

i'm glad i looked up this message again because it's reminded me that actually, i should hold out for someone who will take everything i have to offer with open arms and a big smile.

Instead of a mini nervous breakdown.

lucky escape then, i guess.

OP posts:

teasle · 07/02/2010 16:33

Hope you are ok pint x

Original poster

PintandChips · 07/02/2010 16:38

thanks teasle, feeling really quite sorry for myself right now, but it's early days.

torn between lying in bed weeping for a week, and getting a whole load of dates line up to take my mind off it.

also, exDP about to deliver back DS, and i just KNOW i'll burst into tears when he asks me what's wrong (cause my eyes are swollen and bloodshot). Bloody annoying.

OP posts:

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