Being single is ok. Bring me my slippers!

[Petitioner]

I've been in a long marriage/relationship (30 yrs give or take) and am now single.

Initially I was really keen to find another relationship. Well another one did come along but long distance. I'm pleased it's LDR because it's slowed it right down and is giving me chance to consider if I really want it, whether I want him or whether I'm just clutching at the familiarity of a relationship.

Last night I'd had a tough day in the office, needed to work at home, middle teen was stroppy, have health worries ... To roll into bed alone, wearing my warmest cuddliest jim jams was bliss.

It hit me that the years of coping with work and family and also dealing with the needs of a partner are over.

So am I just a grumpy old woman and best off single ? Did I have such a bad experience of marriage that I can't envisage a good relationship? It does seem weird that I may be single for ever but I don't want a relationship that drags me down. Is there such a thing as a long term supportive relationship?

Or shall I get my slippers and accept single life now?

If you are a grumpy old women so am I!!! I have been single for many years and am in my late 50's. I am happier now than I ever was in any relationship I ever had.

As for a long term supportive relationship... does such a thing exist. Not in my experience but, I have realised I am crap absolute crap at choosing partners.

Petitioner perhaps you shouldn't listen to me ......

I'm middle-aged and single after a long marriage as well. Initially I too was keen on the idea of finding someone else - familiarity, I think, as you say - but also because I felt it would be a statement of freedom from the ex, as it were. However I'm a lazy old thing, so, apart from a couple of internet flirtations that didn't go anywhere, I didn't actually do anything about it. Now I find that the longer I go without a partner the more I enjoy my freedom. If somebody nice did come along a bit of romance would be OK, but only at arm's length. I'm blowed if I give up my independence and self-determination for anyone.

Mm, cuddly jim-jams. I bought a fabulous warm hooded dressing gown recently. When I want to wear it it's right there, on my bed, clean. In the old days we'd all have been eating dinner on the bed, someone would have dropped food on it, XH in one of his strange takes on tidying up would have bundled it into a plastic bag with a load of other clothes, some clean, some dirty, and I'd have found it in the attic covered with mould a few months later. That's what passed for home life. It may take me another 25 years to recover.

ANother middle-aged single here (I'm 45). But I have been single all my life at least have never lived with a partner though I have had a few monogamous relationships lasting a year or so, in the past.
Being single suits me. I really can't be bothered with feeding a man's ego and picking up after him - if I want sex it's not difficult to get, and I have plenty of friends to socialise with. I know everyone is different but I really can't quite see why so many women are so desperate for couplehood when it generally isn't that good a deal for women.

I prefer singledom too. Agree with SGB entirely and have realised over the last couple of years that I did spent most of my twenties pandering to the needs of men.

I'm wallowing in selfishness (aside from the C's of course!) and I genuinely believe it's the best thing I've ever done for myself

I've now got a wider social circle than ever before, I'm enjoying myself, my independence and um ...just being me, if that makes sense?

I think a lot of people are realising that being on their own is actually fine, and far better than being in a bad relationship.

My sister ( 56) has been single for over 7 years since her husband left, even though she lost everything due to tracking him down to divorce him, which took over 3 years and cost her the family home, she is far happier now than when they were together.

My father in law is also happy on his own, it will be 12 years in April since mil died - he nursed her through cancer for 3 years and has said he could never go through that again.
I'd have no qualms about spending the rest of my life alone if my husband died, another relationship would be meaningless so what's the point?

Love my DH absolutly but must say If I were now
at 43 widdowed would stay single

What I relish:

Sleeping star-shaped all over the bed
Not having to wax my legs
Watching what I want on TV - always
Eating salad out of a bowl, with my fingers
Eating what I want, when I want it
Choosing whether to put stuff away
Spending hours on the phone if I want to
Staying up late or going to bed early
Feeling free to lose my temper
Wearing what's comfy, even if it looks sloppy
Smoking in bed! (yeah, I know)
Being in charge of my own mood, all the time
What to spend is my own decision
Turning the heating up!
Hours in cafes/pubs, reading
Not having to act cheerful, when I'm grumpy

... being selfish

Lovely, Grace. It would make a great wall poster/fridge magnet!

Being single is infinitely better than being in a loveless relationship.

I love evenings of choosing whether to go out or stay home, watching what I like on tv, eating what and when I like, making long phone calls wherever I want without being told to sssh or to go to another room, and especially not tripping up or stubbing my toes on giant man shoes which have been strewn here there and everywhere.

I also love being free from my horrible, controlling XH.

But I can see a time when I might be ready not to be single again!

Oh this is so lovely to hear other women celebrating being single! I've been single for something like 17 yrs now and am almost 47 and decided to have children on my own in my thirties.

Whilst I often wish for a full-time housekeeper/ au pair/ cook/ DIY person, I never wish for a partner and haven't done for at least 15 yrs now. It was brilliant realising in my 30's that I didn't have to wait and wait for Mr Right anymore and wear the right thing, act the 'right way', shave my legs, tune in to a man's every need. So I did the parenting thing on my own - and have lovely twin sons.

Despite never ever feeling I've got enough time for anything in my life, the other side of this is how much control I really have now over my own needs. Like others have said, I can relish the whole space in my superkingsize bed. I can wear tracksuit bottoms and baggy old T-shirts any time I want and not care.

I've actually TRIED to want a relationship and often glance through the personal ads in the papers and then find myself mentally turning down everyone I read about....Then I realise this is because there isn't a sense of a missing partner in my life at all - just really the need of a housekeeper!

I can't imagine anymore how I could fit a man into my life, unless he was pretty self-less, financially loaded, retired but physically active enough to do all the housework and some of the childcare and happy to have his own home elsewhere, only coming round to mine when invited and preferably never staying all night - but disappearing sometime in the early hrs, after some fun together! ..not that I miss that either!

I know so many women at my stage in life who are in agonies of still trying to please their man, keep their man, dress to impress their man, 'service' their man, regardless of their own needs and basically acting like their man is another child, with little expectation that he'll be grown up enough to tune into their needs and to look after the children.

I feel free, powerful, in control of my own life and future...I'd still like to be able to afford a full-time housekeeper though!

lol at you lot

Thank you. You've reinforced my view. I'm determined to hold onto my life as it is now even if another man passes through it.
:-)

hey im happily single too
im in my early 30's, i spent my 20's with all the wrong men and in all the wrong headspaces, and now im calm and happy
i sleep diagonally, in pj's
i eat what and when i want
i spend my evenings glazing over in front of the tv and chuckling/getting on my high horse on mn
no-one snores in my room
no-one drives my car erratically
i shave/wax what/when i want
i decide whether i want to scrimp or splurge
i justify myself to no-one but myself and ds, and at long last i love my life.
i would only sacrifice the freedom i have for someone sooo special, but im not afraid to test run the occasional fella
cheers!

I don't care about my cellulite
I own the remote control
My car is a tip
I drive how I like without criticism
I wear what I want...cook what I want
I'm financially better off
The house can be messy and I don't complain
The kids can be noisy and I don't add to that noise by complaining about it loudly
I can date any man that takes my fancy and wants to be lovely and chat me up
(without them moving in and affecting all of the above)

Oh this thread is lovely.
I have to admit to worrying about my mum as she was married to my (horribly abusive) father from the age fo 19 until she finally started divorce proceedings at the age of 53. She is 60 in a few weeks and says all of the things you have said here, she likes being on her own and being able to do what she wants, when she wants, more so as my father was so controlling.
I know she gets lonely and down at times as she is still working and we have all left home, but this thread has reassured me that she might not be putting ona brave face all the time

JB Everyone gets a bit lonely at times. But there is a particularly hellish kind of loneliness which comes from being married to/living with someone who isn;t nice to you, or isn't suited to you.

JB I was lonelier in my marriage. People assume you're happily married or that your partner will provide what you need whether it's practical or emotional support.

Since separating I've made lots of new friends (and not had to consider whether it's ok to do so)
People offer help which does make me giggle because I've been 'alone' for years!

Am going to bookmark this thread and read it whenever I feel depressed about being single . Thanks ladies - you've made my day and it's still early.

Being single is looking attractive to me at the moment. At 52 and after a messy divorce I'm in a relationship which is giving me sleepless nights. I loved being single before I met this one - after years of being unhappily coupled up, I learnt how to enjoy all the things that are talked about here! Oh the joy of jim-jams, cats, reading in bed, having long chats with DD cuddled up on the sofa and most importantly, feeling content pretty much the whole time!

At least being single holds no fear for me now and I can knock this one on the head if I have to. And the future? I have always seen myself as a feisty old bird living in her dream house on her own with some pets, family close by and some really trusty mates.

I am fairly newly single at 34.

I like all the things that have been mentioned too - not having to negotiate who does what around the house, being able to read without the blasted telly always being on in the background, I even find mothering my three children easier on my own, because there isn't someone criticising the way I do things all the time.

I miss sex though. And I don't have much of a social life with the two youngest children still being quite small. So no chance to meet anyone else really.

I suppose I still feel quite insecure about the whole thing. I am determined to make an independent life for myself though.

MakeYerOwn... enjoy this freedom! get a sitter, once a month, organise a girls night out. you don't have to go on the pull, but it sounds like you could do with getting out there

I am a 35 year old, married for nearly two years with a 7 month old DD.

But I must say... reading your thread is even making me think twice about it!! Maybe I'll come back and join you at some point!!

great thread! am probably about to split up from partner of 16 years and oscillating between thinking it is an opportunity to enjoy all of what you describe and worrying about the future alone

this thread has made me smile and feel better about the thought of a single future

thanks

[though I think I'll miss the sex]

notsure, a vibrator will sort you out on that score

and there will be plenty of men to help you out, too

AF maybe....

My marriage has been a lonely place for ten years. H was never into the marriage thing and there is and always has been zero emotional support, companionship, being a couple, doing things together etc. He has never even really wanted to bewith me. He makes me unhappy and I need to get out of this marriage - just still trying to find the guts to do it. SAHM ten years bringing up children and lacking in RL support (apart from my mum - who is not young). Reading these posts - it would be nice not to have my emotions permanently upset and get back to being me without a man who pulls me down every day. Hope I can get out of this one day and not have a man around me who has always just messed with my head. Hopefully I will get the courage to take the step to get single soon. Reading this thread helps.