I think I need to just get this off my chest.

[MitsubishiWarrioress]

H and I have split up.

I am starting to do OK for the first time in a long time. We communicate mostly by text re arrangements. And had 'tarted 'getting on' under the circumstances. He wants to come back and is very hard to deal with at times.

I have discovered I am probably going through an early menopause, and am taking supplements to combat some of the symptoms. I had started to feel pretty good about myself.

On sunday, I went to get some Trousers for DS, I was running late but apologised and when I went to fetch the DC's, he asked if I wanted to stop for tea, the DC's were excited and I said yes.

He likes to walk us to the bus stop and I am still uncertain of the results if I draw a line on these things. As we say bye, he tells me quite nicely that I am looking good.

A couple of hours later I get a suggestive text, which I try to be non committal to but again am wary of upsetting the apple cart, given that it had been a bit easier. I didn't get it right though because an hour later I get a text which finishes with 'what is wrong with you'

I stupidly ask him what he means, we had been getting on better so I was off guard..

his reply includes..'don't ask me if you don't want to know because I could write a list, so lets not go there'

And tells me to leave him alone.

So I do after one text.

Another hour later and he starts again and I delete the texts and by this time it is 11.30 and I switch my phone off, but there are a few more the next day and I crumble. Not feeling so good now.

My DS reveals that his Nana on his Dad's side has suggested that I have been stealing from her. When I confront his Dad, he denies it and says DS must have misheard. DS is worried he will get in trouble for telling me what he heard so I am leaving it.

I asked if he had been drinking and I know that was a mistake, he had promised DS he would stop, but ExMIL bought a huge bottle of vodka for him for Christmas and DS is not daft. I am not popular and have been told not to ask him again, so I pointed out that the texts were unfair and had given me every reason to wonder. His whole tone was horrible. It might sound stupid but the way he spaces and phrases his words are exactly like when he was at home drunk and offensive.

We have to rely on each other a lot as their is very little help from family apart from emergencies and I wanted it to be 'amicable' and bearable for the DC's.

I don't want his mood swings to affect me any more, but it has. He says he will not have a life without me and he doesn't like to see me quietly getting on with life without him. WTF am I supposed to do?

I suggested he should try harder to do more with his own life, get inspired and then he might be happier, but he says there is no point. And tells me to go and find someone else.

I don't even think about another relationship most of the time. The last one has done enough damage.

I am trying to get back to where I was a few days ago because I had worked so hard with counselling and self help to crawl back out of depression and I want to get off AD's, the Doc thinks it will be a long time.......

I have had a bad evening with the DC's because it is al swirling around my head and I want to get it out. They deserve better. I cried in front of DD and it has upset her

Sorry for the ramble...just need a shake.

i don't think you need to be shaken!!
i do think you need to think seriously about the boundaries though: you really should not have to put up with flirty texts or comments, or stroppy texts or comments. it wasn't you upsetting the applecart, it was him. it sounds like there was a bit of emotional abuse going on here, and for the sake or your sanity you should operate a zero tolerance policy: NO flirting, NO stropping. all you need to discuss is your dc's, nothing more, nothing less.
it sounds like with him and exmil you are damned if you do and damned if you don't, imo the only way out of that is to detach yourself emotionally from their behaviours.
don't beat yourself up about crying in front of dc: you didn't mean to and you're only human

thanks maristella,

it is not easy. i still wonder how we got here after nearly 15 yrs and when he is nice it off foots me...

that's tough.
i learned very early in my adult life that to survive such abuse from my ex i had to disentangle myself emotionally or continue to go round in circles, jumping through hoops.
i think you need to get out of this situation emotionally before you even think about coming off AD's (been there too) as i think with some ADs you need to be in a stable place to reduce or stop them altogether. one hurdle at a time...

can I ask how long it took to disentangle yourself please? I know it is the answer and think I am moving forward and then something happens and almost despite myself and my best efforts, I am fighting it again.

He walked out in July and I was a complete mess until I started counselling in late september. I know there isn't a time table but I do wonder sometimes when it will be really easier and I am not still so damn fragile.

Sometimes it feels like the stronger I get the harder he tries to destabilise me. But I don't want that to be true.

your penultimate sentence is true, MW

that is the crux of it

you know the best way to handle thngs, so take your own advice, love and stop engaging with him

every time you react...(flirty emails ??? wtf ? why are you even giving those head space ?? Tell him to stop complimenting you, it is unwelcome and inappropriate) he will be feeding off it

quit the cosy walks to the bus-stop...you are a grown woman who doesn't need to be chaperoned

it is only half a year, MW, you are getting stronger and wobbles are to be expected, but please, keep any communication strictly dc-based

when he tries to reel you in, remind him very firmly to back off

ignore any silliness about stealing from family members,,, it is all fantasy designed to eat into your composure

don't let it

< big squeeze >

I left my x for a myriad of very, very good reasons. But the first year after I left him, I was no freer than I had been before. I was constantly trying to either keep things calm, or reason with him, or placate him or second guess him.....

It was only when I finally started to stand firm and refuse to be the old me that things finally started to move on. Of course, that means dealing with tantrums, sarcasm, self-pity, martyrdom, melodrama, suspicious niceness... repeat cycle a few times. EVENTUALLY he will accept the new persona that you are going to present to him. Even if that's chatting about the weather and saying right see you at five. If that's all you EVER give him, and if you can muster the self-control (which IS required) not to rise to all the various baits he will throw at you to try and engage you in an argument or discussion) then eventually, eventually, it will sink in.

My x expects nothing from me. Not even how are you. That's how it suits me. It might sound harsh to some, but i have good reasons.

You don't need a shake!

When my X and I split (It's all so complicated, but basically he=twat, me=not twat) I felt kind of responsible for him in a weird way. He knew exactly which buttons to press to get me feeling like shit the very moment that I was starting to feel better.

During a therapy session, in which I was crying and shouting, almost incoherent with rage, my counsellor said something which gave me an actual "lightbulb" moment. I pass this on now to anyone I can (big bore that I am) in the hope that it will benefit someone else as well.

My counsellor told me that my X lived a chaotic life. Not only was his external life (relationships/work/sex) full of drama and madness, but also his internal life. She told me that every time I responded to his chaos (shouting on the doorstep/nasty text messages/fraught telephone calls) I also got caught up in it. I would suffer the same internal feelings of madness and panic that he felt.

His chaos is his. Not yours. His ability to affect you directly are waning. He will fight this. Don't get caught up in it.

It helped me, hopefully it might help you.

whoisasking, i understand. when I left my x after 8 years of dA and EA, I cried because of how I knew how HE would see things. I knew he would be in the depths of self-pity and that weighed very heavily on me. ONly later I started to understand things a bit more clearly.

We have talked before and you were lovely to me so I am especially sad for you that you are having a bad time.

Ignore all the texts. If you start to read them and it is clear it isn't about arrangements for the children, just delete.

He is messing with your head as it has kicked in that you are really over and then he gets all arsey and mean as he can't play you.

Stay strong.

yes, I agree MW is rather lovely

I think I have had enough for a few days and I will pick myself up again but I am fed up, and actually I am really lonely sometimes even though I am OK with my company.

And sometimes there is just too much to do and I get overwhelmed. I want to keep the house nice so that in my head it is not another thing that I am just crap at, and the DC's don't feel that they are suffering from us splitting up.

I like being me when I am OK, but on days like today I wish I could just run away from myself and just bloody quit.

Because I had a letter from my Dad telling me what was 'wrong with me' and now I keep thinking what was 'H' talking about instead of thinking that he should just sod off.

Because what kind of a person really tells someone they could write a list of things that is wrong with them? I wouldn't do it to somebody I didn't like let alone someone I professed to love.

To be honest it is crap and on days like to day everything comes bubbling to the surface again and I just feel like crying and I know feeling sorry for myself won't get me anywhere, but I do.

And who the hell is going to want me anyway? A 40 yr old mother of two, going through the menopause, with not a great deal to offer. I feel like shit now. I want to be back where I was on sunday when I felt like I had turned a corner, and that I could at the very least change my world.

Fuckity fuck.

I want my Mum but she can't come over without my Dad and he often makes me feel worse than I did in the first place even though he can be kind sometimes. I want my Mum.

awww

< gives cuddle >

MW, have a really good wallow tonight, and then tomorrow, you pick yourself up again, OK ?

sorry. I hadn't seen your posts.

Thanks..I must be tired.

People talk about 'mourning' what has been lost and still being in the same house sometimes makes that hard. There is loads of stuff that we made, some together, but it was different then.

Thanks again.

Yeah, will do that AF....cheers to all.

post tomorrow and tell us how you are, yes ?

just a thought - could you redecorate? make the scenery yours, search on allposters.co.uk for a picture or two that make you feel good and happy.
my disentanglement came when the voices empowering me drowned his out. people took me seriously, which for a while they hadn't and i had been treated like a nutter.
i also saw that by giving into his demands for chats, hugs (yuk) demands for answers etc i was feeding his delusions. i found the strength to cut the emotional ties when i had a 2 week break from seeing or speaking to him, i loved every minute of those 2 weeks. i knew where i stood with the world, i wasn't second guessing anyone, i was just being me. and since being able to stand up to him and can stand up to anyone (almost)

How are you today, MW?

MW I know exactly how you feel and you explain it very well. The good thing is, you will get back to that feling-good place you were in on Sunday. But these first few months are going to be a bit of a rollercoaster. Troughs and peaks. You have to accept that the toughs are going to come at you - sometimes when you don't expect them...followed by peaks when you are more than able to cope and actually start feeling good about yourself and life.

You sort of need the troughs in order to move on step by step. And they show that you are healing and getting stronger too.

Day by day the gaps between the lows will become longer. You are not very far down the road yet if you only split in July.

But I agree with the others: it is important that you detach from the ex and his games. This takes practise and self-discipline, especially if, over the years you spent with him, you got used to 'joining in' the dramas and mind-bending stuff. But it can be done.
(The comment below about his chaos now being his alone is very true.)

Your dad is another one you are going to have to learn to absolutely not rely on for comfort. He sounds very* unhelpful. If he can't be supportive and on your side then he can shut up altogether. A painful lesson as we always hope our parents will be there for us no matter how old we are!

Do not respond to ex's texts..although I do like the phrase 'back off' as a response to anything you know is bait.

Are you continuing with the counselling? It may help. ADs are no great shame either and I would not worry much about wanting to come off them. When you are ready to you will.

And if you think you are past it at 40 then god help us all. 40 is the new 30 and I found reaching my 40's (am nearly 46) was a liberation as I was finally able to be a 'grown up' somehow.

Keep on going and thank the lord you got out now and have your dcs to love and enjoy life with, rather than staying until they had left home and you were left totally demoralised and still wedded to the plonker at 70.

cheer for UA!

Hi....

The decorating thing is something I plan to do Mistrella, and a lovely MNer has offered to help .

I started really badly today and thought I was going to struggle today, but I did the 'pretending' I was OK thing and forced myself to wear something nice, put a bit of make up on, wake the DC's up cheerfully and go to the shop (I didn't need to but it means I see people and sometimes being on my own makes me my own enemy).

Giggles with DD on the way to school because it was so slippy she kept sliding away from me and they have such infectious laughs it is hard not to be affected by it.

Seeing that you had asked me to post this morning AF helped as well because I didn't want to just post that I was in the same place and so tried a little bit harder to keep it together.

So, I am better. Not quite back where I was but at least it is back in sight this morning.

So thank-you all, it really made a difference last night and I appreciate it so much.

And thanks UA,

I am really enjoying my age, but I am afraid last night everything just felt so huge IYSWIM.....

MW, my ex has alcohol problems and I went through much the same as you. When she finally moved out I was up and down an awful lot as well. A lot more down than up, to be honest. As time went on, though, I started to notice that the up times were getting longer and better, and the down times were not as dark and were over faster.

I also noticed that the less emotional involvement I had with my ex, the less up-and-down my moods were. At first I had tried to remain friendly with my ex as I thought that would be the best for our DCs but, in hindsight, that was a mistake. It gave our DCs the false impression that we might get back together, plus it kept me embroiled in the drama that inevitably surrounds those with booze problems.

Now, I ignore any and all text messages apart from those pertaining to child contact or any outstanding financial issues. If my ex phones and starts ranting or laying on emotional pressure, I put the phone down. I tried to keep in mind the thought "Is there anything I could be doing that would be more fun than having this conversation?" Given that anything is more fun than talking to an emotionally manipulative alcoholic - cleaning the oven, emptying the hoover, performing my own haemorrhoid surgery etc - it helps to remind me that I only get involved in the drama through choice, and I can just as easily choose not to.

Thanks snorbs, I think you have posted on my threads before.

Lol about the haemorrhoid op...I was just gowning up as I read your post.

keep on keepin' on, MW

you are doing so well, don't let the odd setback bring you crashing down

UA and snorbs give fab advice

Another hiccup....how do you do the being strong bit?

How do you not be affected by things? I wish there was a switch. Trying really hard not to let my head spin and keep it all together but it doesn't come naturally.

Need a hug really badly.....