I think I need to just get this off my chest.

[MitsubishiWarrioress]

H and I have split up.

I am starting to do OK for the first time in a long time. We communicate mostly by text re arrangements. And had 'tarted 'getting on' under the circumstances. He wants to come back and is very hard to deal with at times.

I have discovered I am probably going through an early menopause, and am taking supplements to combat some of the symptoms. I had started to feel pretty good about myself.

On sunday, I went to get some Trousers for DS, I was running late but apologised and when I went to fetch the DC's, he asked if I wanted to stop for tea, the DC's were excited and I said yes.

He likes to walk us to the bus stop and I am still uncertain of the results if I draw a line on these things. As we say bye, he tells me quite nicely that I am looking good.

A couple of hours later I get a suggestive text, which I try to be non committal to but again am wary of upsetting the apple cart, given that it had been a bit easier. I didn't get it right though because an hour later I get a text which finishes with 'what is wrong with you'

I stupidly ask him what he means, we had been getting on better so I was off guard..

his reply includes..'don't ask me if you don't want to know because I could write a list, so lets not go there'

And tells me to leave him alone.

So I do after one text.

Another hour later and he starts again and I delete the texts and by this time it is 11.30 and I switch my phone off, but there are a few more the next day and I crumble. Not feeling so good now.

My DS reveals that his Nana on his Dad's side has suggested that I have been stealing from her. When I confront his Dad, he denies it and says DS must have misheard. DS is worried he will get in trouble for telling me what he heard so I am leaving it.

I asked if he had been drinking and I know that was a mistake, he had promised DS he would stop, but ExMIL bought a huge bottle of vodka for him for Christmas and DS is not daft. I am not popular and have been told not to ask him again, so I pointed out that the texts were unfair and had given me every reason to wonder. His whole tone was horrible. It might sound stupid but the way he spaces and phrases his words are exactly like when he was at home drunk and offensive.

We have to rely on each other a lot as their is very little help from family apart from emergencies and I wanted it to be 'amicable' and bearable for the DC's.

I don't want his mood swings to affect me any more, but it has. He says he will not have a life without me and he doesn't like to see me quietly getting on with life without him. WTF am I supposed to do?

I suggested he should try harder to do more with his own life, get inspired and then he might be happier, but he says there is no point. And tells me to go and find someone else.

I don't even think about another relationship most of the time. The last one has done enough damage.

I am trying to get back to where I was a few days ago because I had worked so hard with counselling and self help to crawl back out of depression and I want to get off AD's, the Doc thinks it will be a long time.......

I have had a bad evening with the DC's because it is al swirling around my head and I want to get it out. They deserve better. I cried in front of DD and it has upset her

Sorry for the ramble...just need a shake.

Aw, MW, go easy on yourself. You will be affected by things because you're human and you have emotions. That's ok. The trick is to not let those emotions rule your actions. I promise you that the less emotional involvement you have with your ex, the easier life will be. And it will get better.

I remember when I first split up with my ex (and I was still smoking), I'd nip out of the office every couple of hours for a cigarette or two and spend the entire time worrying about what she was up to and what she was going to do next. I'd get a five-word text message from her, and I'd then obsess over whether she was drunk or sober when she sent it and what she really meant by it. Whenever I spoke to mutual friends, the lurid details of my ex's latest drama would be the main topic of conversation.

She took up way too much space in my head. It wasn't good for me.

The way I see it now is this (and please excuse the rather strained analogy). When I was in a relationship with her, I was sat in the car on the alcoholic rollercoaster with her. Up and down, round and round, chaos and drama, drunk and sober, all the crap that comes with alcoholism... I was right there in the front line.

When we split, she was still on the rollercoaster - she was still an alcoholic - whereas I'd got off but was still watching from the sidelines, so to speak. I couldn't tear my eyes away. I didn't want to be back there, but I'd been on that rollercoaster for so long I'd almost forgotten that life could be calm, quiet and undramatic.

After a while, though, I realised that even just watching the rollercoaster - taking the phone calls, exchanging the text messages, involving myself in conversations with others about her - wasn't helping anyone. It made cock-all difference to her alcoholism (I cannot control her drinking) but the worrying and fretting was keeping me from getting on and doing fun stuff with my life.

So now I have largely turned my back on the rollercoaster and wandered off to a different, more relaxing place. At first I found it helpful to put a limit on when and where I'd think about it all. No more than half an hour a day (my morning commute was good for this). I also realised that I was fretting about what might happen because I wasn't sure I could deal with it if it did. Once I'd dealt with a range of booze-fuelled crises and dramas and survived, then I stopped fretting so much and, instead, built the confidence that I'd be able to deal with whatever gets thrown at me.

I found that keeping a journal really helped in the early days. I wrote down what I was worrying about, what I was feeling, and what successes I'd had that day - even if it was minor stuff like "Cleaned the bathroom" or "Made a meal the DCs really enjoyed".

I don't know if this long ramble helps at all. What's happened that's made you feel like this?

Thanks snorbs...I didn't get back on MN much.

It does help but it is hard to put into practice.

It is the nice bits that I find hard. Because we had a mostly good relationship once. And we laughed a lot. There was anger but not the way it became.
I find my emotions difficult anyway but he will be OK and I feel guilty that we split up and that maybe it is my fault, I then start to think we are 'doing OK' sorting life out and then something triggers his mood changes and everything changes. And I crash. We were together 15 yrs or so and some of it was dreadful, but just cutting him out of the picture isn't easy despite everything.

He wants to come back and says he is trying to give up drinking, and I once said that if he could, properly, I would try again. But there is so much hurt and so many painful memories and I am happier and calmer on my own.

Apparently he lost his temper with DS on Sat night, (NOT drinking, he isn't 'allowed' and then on Sun night I started getting texts that just put me in that position...''is he drinking? what will go on?'

I know what everyone says, he threatened suicide on a few occasions and then he will switch his phone off and it really fucks my head up. I try not to let it and I know it is mind games but it worms it's way in. And then he cries...I am learning but it is hard. There are little comments all the time about how lonely he is and it hurts. I wish I could just switch it off, but I was such a mess anyway I am having counselling to help.

He doesn't like/feel comfortable with me getting stronger and it is tiring. I am not fit for a relationship at the moment but he has always had jealousy issues and that hovers.

He says that if he moved back in he would be alright and that he will never be happy without me, and there is no point to anything unless we are together. And it all starts to scream in my head. I broke down when I saw him and he hugged me and it was like bitter sweet hell.

His flat doesn't currently have a bath or a shower and it goes against my humanity to now offer him the use of ours, he is the father of my children and we had a good relationship once, whatever he did, it isn't in my nature to be cold or hard and I am in an internal struggle constantly.

I don't know what or how much he is drinking, I don't go there, but the reality of my future is something I am still trying to come to terms with. Without the DC's I would probably have moved but he is now a very good father to them overall, and to be fair, he has worked hard generally to rebuild the relationship with DS. DS asked if his Dad could come home now that he is 'better'

And I feel so guilty and crap. It's what I have always done and it is a hard habit to break. someone says ''this is YOUR fault Mitts'', and my reflex reaction to accept that because I am 'bad'.

And it becomes the scab to all the crap underneath. Abuse, bullying, EA father, pattern of wrong relationships, depression, My mind is wired all wrong and I don't know how to rewire it to be different.

BUT, I am trying and in some ways am in a much better place than I was 18 mnths ago. I think I have to accept that there will always be a part of me that will be scarred by all of this,
There is so much of life and I try to keep believing it will be OK one day.....

Try to be as detached as possible from him. He is trying to reel you in and he is messing with your head. I was separated from my H for a year (he wormed and manipulated his way back into the family home). When he left me, initially, I had to go 'cold turkey' on him and would not speak/see him for seven weeks. If, on the rare occasion in that time he bothered to see our children, my mother would hand them over - such was the affect he had had on me over the years with the abusive relationship. In my situation my H had alot of control over things as I am a SAHM and his salary pays for the huge mortgage/bills etc for the home. He would not leave me alone re texting and would keep me 'hanging on' to the last minute with numerous texts as to whether or not he would be seeing the children. He would then say he wasn't coming often at the last minute so while I had been fretting, waiting, he was just playing games from his flat, probably drinking/relaxing, as usual. He would draw me in playing 'mr nice guy' if I dropped the children off at his flat, but if he didn't get what he wanted he would quickly turn back into 'mr nasty'. In my situation, though, he used my financial dependence on him to manipulate me, as well as the 'mr nice guy' persona. Later on during our separation, his texts would be about his registering for on-line dating and taking a oouple of women out and other details to hurt me. Finally, ended up with his threats to stop paying mortgage/bills etc. and I had tax office bailiffs nearly on my doorstep re. tax I owed from being involved in a business partnership with him in the past with absolutely no money to pay them. In addition, he ended his tenancy agreement at the flat he was living in, saying we couldn't afford it any more and said he had nowhere else to go etc.

He also did all the suggestive texting to me during our separation - he always used sex as a tool with me as well.

Sorry to ramble on - I just would advise you to be as detached as possible from him, as I know from my own experience, I let my own H come back and have just had another miserable year as a result of it. Stay strong and be wary of him.

AL.. for you.

I did have a relationship with an out and out rat and it was so much easier to end it. But these emotional games are exhausting.

Take care though and I hope your future holds something better for you, x

I forgot to add. My H is an alcoholic so I wouldn't let the children stay overnight with him during our separation. And I could often tell, from his texts, that he had been drinking - as they got nastier and nastier. He would tell me that of course he would not drink if he had the children overnight - but I would not believe him. But I am still watching him drink every night. And yes - the stronger he sees you getting - the more he will try to destabilise you. My H always just wants to draw me in - and as soon as he has a reaction - he shuts down on me. It is a horrible game in a dysfunctional relationship. I am full of anger and hate the person I now am being affected by him. As soon as I engage with him, I always end up being upset. I have been in counselling for a long time myself and the bottom line is my continued contact with my H will continue to poison my life, and I will never feel better until I disentangle myself from him. Give yourself a break and accept that you need time to 'heal'.

In my case once I am 'down' he goes into being super sorry and nice, how much he hates me being like that, but as I start to get stronger again, the self pity and emotional texts and saying how lonely and sad he is starts again.

I am doing better and I am learning to recognise it for what it is, because I know right now he is being OK again, and we need to have a certain amount of contact but if I change how I am or show I am too well, it can flip.

How can someone be so kind and capable of being OK and yet also be such a 'monster'?

Yes, it is hard to emotionally detach. It takes time, and it will be a "two steps forward one step back" thing for a while yet. But I promise you that the more you do it the easier it gets.

OK, you once said that if he stopped drinking then he could come back. I once told my ex that if she stopped drinking, I'd marry her(!) I came to my senses and changed my mind. You are allowed to change your mind, too. Some things become so broken there's no putting them back together again.

The one thing I would say is that it's unwise to trust an alcoholic not to drink even if it's just for one night and even if there's a good reason for them not to drink, such as having children over to stay. Seriously. My ex had some stunningly powerful reasons not to drink when our DCs were with her overnight. Like, our DCs on the Child Protection Register and social workers breathing down her neck kind of reasons. She still drank. She's an alcoholic. She drinks. It's what they do.

All that stuff he says about how everything would be ok if he moved back in and that he won't make it without you... It's all just emotional manipulation. Of course he wants to move back in. He doesn't want to have to think that his drinking has screwed up his marriage and lost him his children. If he can move back in, he can then pretend that it's ok, MW wasn't serious, it's not that big a deal, sure she might bitch and moan a bit sometimes but she'll always take him back so he doesn't actually have to stop drinking, just keep a lid on it a bit better...

"His flat doesn't currently have a bath or a shower and it goes against my humanity to now offer him the use of ours, he is the father of my children and we had a good relationship once, whatever he did, it isn't in my nature to be cold or hard and I am in an internal struggle constantly."

Hmm. OK. But think about it this way. Him coming round to your house for showers etc is obviously (and understandably) causing problems for you. You've recently split up but you're not getting any real space - that would cause problems for anyone. So by letting him come round for showers, you're putting his convenience ahead of your emotional health. Why can't he just have a wash at his flat? Or go to the local YMCA or sports centre for a shower? What's in it for you to have him come round and invade your personal space so often?

You won't be scarred by this forever unless you let it. If you look at it as something to learn from - even if it's to learn how to take a stand for what you believe is right, and to spot when a relationship has run its course - then that's progress.

"How can someone be so kind and capable of being OK and yet also be such a 'monster'? "

Because the boat of his emotional health rises and falls on a tide of alcohol. His perception of you (and him) changes so much, and so quickly, because his sense of reality is distorted by long-term use of a mind-altering drug. He's an alcoholic. It's what they do.

"I am happier and calmer on my own."
That is what's important to remember right now.

I guess so much of it is about guilt snorbs. Because for one reason or another I have generally put other's needs and feelings over and above my own and it is easy to write it down and see it is wrong and acknowledge that I have a right to put my feelings as an important priority,

But doing it?

Breaking life long patterns is hard. And I am learning. Like I said, if someone tells me I am wrong it is all too easy to accept and try to do the thing that will make me a 'good girl'. And I am 40. I am a 'pleaser'
Daddy is not happy with me, what can I do to make him like me again?
I was bullied at school but the teachers said it was my own fault for being 'different'.

So after 15 yrs Ex'H' tells me it is my fault he is unhappy and it sticks.

I think maybe someone might be there for me one day but what if they find out what I am really like and it all goes wrong and I have to accept that it really is all my fault. That I am just wired al wrong.

And I am not feeling sorry for myself, I a having a fairly good day, but this is me.

That's why I like butterflies because I want to believe that I can change and have my moment

And you are so right, focussing o the fact that I am OK on my own is the best way of moving forward..[smile

Thanks again snorbs..it helps write because it helps to untangle my thoughts..

Have a good day.

I dunno if this will help but your history of being a "people pleaser" is so common among people who end up in relationships with alcoholics. It describes me, too.

Family history plays such a huge part in how our own relationships tend to come out. I remember when I finally realised how much my ex was like my (charming, unreliable alcoholic) dad. That particular lightbulb going on made me literally puke.

I can't recall if I've suggested this to you before or not but I would strongly recommend you get hold of a book called "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I think it will ring a lot of bells for you.