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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me, difficult ex and contact

47 replies

fi123 · 12/01/2010 13:44

Ok, to cut a long story short, hubby left me dec 07 with my 2 year old. SInce then thankfully I have re-married and just had another baby.
BUT ex took me to court initialy for a contact order, not stopped contact but wanted it all in writing. His demands are always his own regardless of how my son feels, he treats him like car rental and I do my best to do the best for me Son.
He says he cares but he really doesnt display this. After much grief from him, I had to re-mortgage to take the order bck to court to vary it as my son wasnt hapy with how things were and ex would not listen to what was best.
All sorted finally sept 09. All fine, we started gettig on beter as things went his way, then he was due to have him noight before his bday and bday day. My now 5 year old was so ill, in bed and crying etc. I asked nicely he needs to stay at home that night and he just has him durig the day on is bday. He only cared about his night and threatened me, although in order says if for a justifiable reason, i have to compensate the same time. Which I would always do as NEVER stopped contact anmd often giving additional.
After xmas I got a solicitors letter AGAIN threatening me and saying because of the one night he now wanted all the way through xmas and bday just before, so I dfidnt see him at all!!!!! The xmas/bday situation was sorted in order!
I have got mad with solicitor too as he is allowing him to harrass me and go against the order and I cant take anymore! I havent done this continuaslly as after 1 illness like this I get a letter! One in 2008 he had stomach bug so we had to re-arrange 1 day again and I got a letter from solicitor then!
What can I do, he just piunishes me with any decision I have to make in My sons best interests, so clear he doesnt care.
Help me please, I can afford anymore legal advice.
Fi xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
fi123 · 12/01/2010 13:48

I meant I was a single mother to my 2 year old. he left both of us, sounded like he went with him, sorry.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 12/01/2010 13:48

Obviously he is being very difficult. Do you think he can't care for his son as well as you can - why couldn't he just go with him and your ex look after him?

It's not nice to leave your sick bed but it is his time with him.

WingedVictory · 12/01/2010 14:49

What a shame. I can't add much of practical value, as I don't know much about this area of law. The only thing I can think of to mention is keeping records of everything.

Now that that is said, can I also offer a hug? You sound very down. And it sounds as though you should also give yourself the pleasure of sacking your solicitor! S/he isn't to know that you can't afford him/her any more!

VinegarTits · 12/01/2010 14:55

I sgree with Laurie, although it is not nice that your son was ill, your ex is still his parent and both parents have to be able to deal with illnesses regardless, i would have just let him go to him and him deal with it

why should he only get the nice bits of parenting

VinegarTits · 12/01/2010 14:58

Am maybe if he knew what it was like to deal wih sick child, he might think twice about making him go next time he is ill, but you have to give him the chance to deal with your son regardless, it is his time and if he wants to look after him while ill, you should have let him do so

Original poster
fi123 · 12/01/2010 15:02

I think it is cruel to make him get out of bed to leave home when so sick in the snow and he cries because he wants his own bed! What kind of mother would that make me!?
The answer is No, he cannot look after him when ill, I have had to write staements in court as he WILL NOT take my advice and look after him appropriately. He runs him around and lets him get worse and doesnt know how to take care of him and refuses to let me advise as he is a control freak.

OP posts:
Original poster
fi123 · 12/01/2010 15:07

COuld you leave your 5 year old to a man you know has NO compassion or understanding and that child crying saying he wants to stay at home and crying Mummy!!!!!! I hope not!

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 12/01/2010 15:12

If it were reversed, and your son became ill while at his dads, and your ex refused to let him come home to you until he was well again, would you say it was cruel to make him get out of bed? or would you want him back to you at the agreed time and date?

Sorry but i think YABU to not allow him to look after his own child while ill

Original poster
fi123 · 12/01/2010 15:17

It seems to be the wrong place being in here as the best place for a child when really ill is at home, perhaps the question should be is the important thing on your mind time or the child!!! In mine its the child!

OP posts:
Original poster
fi123 · 12/01/2010 15:19

I dont think any of you know what he has put me or my son through and so I wont be asking for advice anymore on here, appears to be the only one that cares for the wekfare of my child is me!!!!!

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 12/01/2010 15:22

Sorry thats just my opinion, but i am of the opinion that both parents should be allowed to parent equally

Of course if your child is very distressed about going to his dads while ill, then your ex shouldnt make him him, but why would you say to him you cant have him in the night but you can during the day? if your child was so ill?

VinegarTits · 12/01/2010 15:26

of course we dont know what you have been though

but unless your ex is abusive and neglectful towards your son, you have to allow him his access rights, sorry if im upsetting you, i dont mean to, just trying to offer an unbias opinion

LaurieFairyCake · 12/01/2010 15:46

Yes the best place for a child when ill is at home but your child now has two homes and two beds and how your ex treats his son by 'running him around' is his business. You can only control the time your son is with you.

You are also overreacting to the advice given on here and by your solicitor.

Obviously no one knows what you've been through as you haven't posted but on the information you've provided you need to come to terms with co-parenting and realising your ex has as much right to see his child - sick or not, as you do.

titchy · 12/01/2010 16:12

Sorry but you sounds like a bit of a control freak you know.... I know you must feel that you are the only one that can take care of your child when he is ill, but your ex should, and I hate to say it, has the right to look after him when he is ill as well.

It doesn't make you a bad mother for sending a sick child elsewhere. If you have documented (i.e. from your GP) that the way your son was treated while he was ill by your ex was detrimental to his well-being well that's fair enough, but unless you can do that I think you just have to suck it.

titchy · 12/01/2010 16:14

And how your ex has treated you is TOTALLY irrelevant (unless DV of course). It is how his relationship is with his son that counts.

Original poster
fi123 · 14/01/2010 20:28

I am quite frankly disgusted by what appears to be bad mothering and its not about me but my son, he has nightmares about going to his and ex does NOT haver as much right when he walked out on him when he was 2 and left me to do the upbringing! I dont care, I have moved on, I wish he would to, he has just had a baby too but wants to control me constamtly! He wants the whole bday and xmas period for 1 night missed to spite me!!!! What good are his actions doing to his son! Yes you dont know it all but I am disgusted by the lack of empathy yu may have for a child that is ill and doesnt want to leave home! I shall no longer come here to be abused and called a control freak when I have doneEVRYthig I CAN TO KEEP A GOOD RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE 2 OF THEM!

OP posts:
Meglet · 14/01/2010 20:33

um... personally I think it's not unreasonable for a child to stay in their main home when ill. I wouldn't have wanted (and would have refused) to trek over to my dads house if I was poorly and would have been miserable if my dad had insisted and made me go, which he didn't thank God. There's always another day to go.

nannynobnobs · 14/01/2010 20:34

Chill Winston

pithyslicker · 14/01/2010 20:35

I've been watching this thread,fi123 are you usually this emotional?

snowpoint · 14/01/2010 20:57

OP, I really can't see anyone on here abusing you, people do want to help but they need to be honest to do so. It's obviously a deeply painful issue for you, and I can understand why you wouldn't want your ds going away when he's poorly, but unfortunately I don't think you have much legal choice.

I think for your sanity you need to accept that you can't control anything that your ex does when he has your ds, and he might do things you don't like or approve of, but it really can't be your business any more unless abuse or serious neglect comes into it. It might not feel fair, but that really is the way it has to be, and you have at least another 13 years of this to go, so it's best to get used to it as quickly as you can.

I am sorry you're in this situation, but at least you have a new relationship and dc to focus on now. Would it be worth having some counselling to help you let go of some of the issues you had in your old relationship?

snowpoint · 14/01/2010 20:59

Just in case the above reads wrong - I didn't mean to imply that your new relationship and dc should somehow replace your eldest dc by the way!

Original poster
fi123 · 15/01/2010 17:14

I know what you mean, this is all very hurtful as my ex is spiteful towards me etc and cant go into all of it with you.
Yes I worry about my son when he is with him and there is no neglect, I find it hard to let go as I worry about my DS.
I have taken on board what you say but I also have a leagl choice as had justifiable reaon put in order incase of this, I will always compensate him of any time lost as I always give additional etc but so sad I am walked all over by him and worry so much when my son hates going, when he is 10 the courts listen tp them and I know he will choose not to go, but that is his chouce, right noiw I am doing all I can to make it easier for him and have always been positive for him no matter how hard it is for me. I know you would all understand if you knew whole story but I also have listened to what you say, I think counsellig wuld have helped but I will never change my ex to make him reaposnable, I guess I have to deal with it, I am sorry to say abused but I have felt this emotionally abused for a while with my ex and how he treats our son as a car rental.

OP posts:
Original poster
fi123 · 15/01/2010 17:18

Please dont post on here unless you have advice as it is very upsetting and quite frankly rude NANNY NOBNOBS and Pithysicker, you should not be on here as clearly this a subject you have NO knowledge on!, I accept opinion but not rudeness, thanks to those whoi have replyed civilly

OP posts:
pithyslicker · 15/01/2010 17:55

fi123,

I am separated from my ex, we have two children, there are no issues with new partners,finance or contact, we never went to court and there were no solicitors involved.

The way we did that was to take the emotion out of our dealings with each other no matter how hurt we were.

And every decision we made we said we had to be able to justify it to the children in the future.

That is why I asked if you are always this emotional, because IME it is difficult to be rational (which is what the children need) if you are too emotional.

chinupgirl · 15/01/2010 21:42

fi123,
oh sweetie, I do understand what you are going through and you sound like you had a similar Chistmas to me. You will not get your ex-partner to change and he probably thinks he is being reasonable. And that is so hard to cope with or even understand. I know I'm still struggling with it.
I also understand the comments of all those who've had a pretty decent divorce and managed it nicely. But, for some of us, especially where we've been dumped, bullied, been cheated on, it's just not that easy and it always feels very raw. So tread gently, some wounds take a while to heal.
Yes, in your position, I don't think I would have wanted to get a sick child out of bed either. I might also bet that partner would not have wanted sick child on his hands either. I suppose you could have called his bluff and said ok, you have sick child and you are going to have to cope with a screaming child.
Do you have a solicitor? His solicitor has no duty of care to you and will only do what his client says. You may need one.
Thinking of you.

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