Please help me, difficult ex and contact

[fi123]

Ok, to cut a long story short, hubby left me dec 07 with my 2 year old. SInce then thankfully I have re-married and just had another baby.
BUT ex took me to court initialy for a contact order, not stopped contact but wanted it all in writing. His demands are always his own regardless of how my son feels, he treats him like car rental and I do my best to do the best for me Son.
He says he cares but he really doesnt display this. After much grief from him, I had to re-mortgage to take the order bck to court to vary it as my son wasnt hapy with how things were and ex would not listen to what was best.
All sorted finally sept 09. All fine, we started gettig on beter as things went his way, then he was due to have him noight before his bday and bday day. My now 5 year old was so ill, in bed and crying etc. I asked nicely he needs to stay at home that night and he just has him durig the day on is bday. He only cared about his night and threatened me, although in order says if for a justifiable reason, i have to compensate the same time. Which I would always do as NEVER stopped contact anmd often giving additional.
After xmas I got a solicitors letter AGAIN threatening me and saying because of the one night he now wanted all the way through xmas and bday just before, so I dfidnt see him at all!!!!! The xmas/bday situation was sorted in order!
I have got mad with solicitor too as he is allowing him to harrass me and go against the order and I cant take anymore! I havent done this continuaslly as after 1 illness like this I get a letter! One in 2008 he had stomach bug so we had to re-arrange 1 day again and I got a letter from solicitor then!
What can I do, he just piunishes me with any decision I have to make in My sons best interests, so clear he doesnt care.
Help me please, I can afford anymore legal advice.
Fi xxx

I do feel for you here, fi123.

Your X sounds very controlling and unreasonable and yous sound pretty upset Are you ok?

Have you seen a solicitor at all? If you don't know where to start you may find it helpful to contact womans aid.

Pithy, I am sure you mean well here but you are coming across a little patronising. OP might come across as emotional but I'd say she sounds quite reasonably distressed about the way she and her DS are being treated, and being called a control freak to boot! Well I would be upset by that too.

Apols for bad typos and grammar. Tired!

Finally you might find it helpful to post in the LP section where quite a few of us have been through all this and can offer practical advice and support.

I do not think it is the right thing to do to take your child out of bed and go to the dads house if he is unwell and really wants his mummy. If your ex was as good at looking after him as you are then he would not be screaming for mummy.

It sounds to me like he is not putting your ds's need first, which should always be the way. If my dd was ill and did not want to see her dad, I would keep her at home and look after her. But then again he has been in and out of her life, and I feel he does not love her or know her like I do....

I think some people on this thread have been very harsh....

We do not all have to agree with the OP put I think we could put opinions to her in a nicer way...

Thanks for the 'patronising' comment Janos, the reason I posted the second time is because of:

By fi123 Fri 15-Jan-10 17:18:12
Please dont post on here unless you have advice as it is very upsetting and quite frankly rude NANNY NOBNOBS and Pithysicker, you should not be on here as clearly this a subject you have NO knowledge on!, I accept opinion but not rudeness, thanks to those whoi have replyed civilly

I just wanted to say I have been here and in this situation.

Ah I didn't see that pithyslicker. Teach me to jump in with both feet!

I agree that's rude and I apologise for misjudging you.

It's not unreasonable for him not to go if he's ill. But I think in view of the history with things having to go to court, he's probably expecting you to be difficult about contact, sees this as an excuse or that you are makin git up, and isn't seeing it for what it is.

Janos,

Perhaps I did sound patronising.
I just want people to know you can separate and sort things out with as little emotional upheavel as possible, this is of course only possible if both people are reasonable and perhaps fi123's ex isn't.

I learnt this from watching the numerous break ups that were going on at the same time as mine and seeing which ones worked best and which ones were a nightmare.

fi123, your ex is going to be involved in your life for a long time, so wouldn't it be for the best for all concerned to try and keep it amicable?

Sorry Pithy it was patronising, I am the most rational,considerate person, my XH is a knob, and there is no way we could seperate and be reasonable, he is just not capable,you come across as just a little too smug, as if we all just tried a little harder we could all have lovely amicable splits! Dont you think thats what most women want??

I tell you what, I'll lend you my XH for a week, and we'll see how little emotional upheaval you manage!

Yes I had to re-mortgage to go to court with a barrister and solicitor, had LOTS of advice. I started off wanting to be friends, he got a girlfriend and it all changed. I always give contact, additional too and this was 1 night! I dont do this all the time or am I a bad ex standing in his way, I give him all my sons clotrhes when he goes as he lowered my maintenance to bare min and then told me I had to suppy clothes too. I have been emotionaly bullied by a liar and I am gobsmacked he does this to me and I have done all I can to be friendly, I even asked him to come to last parents meetig with me and chat to him etc, I try too hard.
He hates me and I dont know why, he left me etc.
So I wanted my DS to be in a happy parenting thing but he HATES going and sees his step father as Daddy. I have tryed so hard to keep their relationship but hard when he is so horrid to me and gets soliciotrs to constantly threaten me for no reason, 1 night!!!!! He can have it back, I havent said he couldnt, he didnt even come to me first, just straight to the jugular. Very upsetting his actions have a bad effect on his son.
SO I guess I was upset by some of the harsh messages on here, I do hope you unserdtand why as I have had enough, as intelligent people, am sad he drags me through couyrt when this should be dealt with amicable between outrselves, he uses the legal system to get his way all the time. Am hoping it wont happen again.
So just tired ands try to do my best to keep DS happy as he sint when he thinks about going there, clutching onto me as he goes and cries, its horrid and breaks my heart every time.

"After xmas I got a solicitors letter AGAIN threatening me and saying because of the one night he now wanted all the way through xmas and bday just before, so I dfidnt see him at all!!!!! The xmas/bday situation was sorted in order!". Sorry, this is probably me being dim but I just don't get this paragraph

What was the solicitor requesting this time?

i feel for you, he sounds as if he's being as awkward as he can and you sound very unsupported, getting these solicitors letters when you can't afford any more legal advice yourself.

I think if this was me I would really try not to be panicked by the letters; as you say you are backed up by the order which gives you the 'justifiable reason' clause.....basically, keep a note of when these things happen and exactly why, and what 'compensatory' time your ex has instead. If your ex doesn't like it he can take YOU back to court, but he's not doing that is he, just getting a letter fired off.

I very much understand your POV pithyslicker but it's just not possible to be reasonable with someone who is fundamentally unreasonable - it's really not a case of just trying a bit harder or being more grown up about things. And it can be extremely frustrating and draining.

fi123, you know? I'd have done exactly the same if in your position. No way on earth i'd make my ds get up from his sick bed and go anywhere, especially if he was saying he didn't want to go, and was crying. Jeez, what mother could do that? Think some were way too harsh on you. Hope things are cooling now, and you get back to a more even keel.

Yes thanks so much, I really needed you all to understand how difficlut and quite unbeleivable my ex is.
The paragraph meant that request came from his solicitor on his instructions! Why? How cruel would that be to his son, all xmas and bday this year away from his family becuase he missed out on 1 night I will compensate for anyway? What is going on?
Yes I cant afford anymore advice or help,. spent thousands already, thank god for my new hubby whi is my rock and hs helped me through all this harrassment.
My poor ds, I just hope he sees him for what he is and can make his own mind upm he already says when I get older I will tell him I dont want to go! His words!
I know he thinks he loves him but he is not displaying anything but selfishness, all I care about is my Son, I really mean that, so whay is he threatening me all the time????? I give in to him and I think he knows he can bully me, I suppose I am scared I will lose my son, my boys are my life. Hence my emotional state earlier.

ps; What is the LP section on the forums? I do need some words from people who have been through this too.

You'll find Lone Parents in the "Being a Parent" section.

I want to say that you have my sympathies too. Some posters are working on the assumption that your exH is willing and able to act in your ds's best interests, and when that's not true, you can feel in a horribly powerless position.

The best way to deal with a bully is to show that their tactics are not working, so it's worth trying to sound as bored as possible when your ex tries his bully-boy tactics. Call his bluff - "yeah, yeah, take me to court" (in bored tone).

This doesn't help much though when you have to make a (justifiably) reluctant child go to his father's house though. All you can do is try to keep the drama to a minimum.

I do feel completely powerless to do whats best for My son as he will punish me if its not what wants. What kind father would say I will take him when I have nicely explained like the doormat I feel I am!
Its not even as if I do this all the time, its been ONCE since the order of aug 2009 and there was a reason. its like 1 reason and he goes for me again, even if he can see its best for our son.
I am going for vexatious litigant if he goes to court again for no reason, I will file for an order so he cannot apply to court again without leave of the court.
I just hope someone sees what I am dealing with, also I think is actions are evidence enough! I will represent myself, but hoping his solicitor will make him see sense he does not have a case abnd the courts will tell him to go away 5 months after we have been to finialise evertyhing for the LAST time!
God I am exhausted.
fi xx

Sounds like a plan. Good luck!

Why were you in court in the first place?

And why did you have to go back to court?

He took me as he wanted it all in writing, a contact order, being a power crazed control freak. I never stopped contact but we couldnt agree on exactly what as he wanted ridiculous things like, my sons bday is 23rd dec, he wanted 22nd dec to 28th dec! Which is what he is trying to do again!
My son didnt cope with extended visits too soon and he wouldnt change to suit him so I had to go to court and take him to vary it, which was finialised in a contact order Aug 2009. I cannot imagine the courts will want this back as its so trivial and they must have better things to spend their time on then men like this!

So did the court agree with what you were wanting last time? Sorry, lots of questions! I'm just trying to get a feel for what is going on here.

I think you're maybe both still dealing with the aftermath of having to be in court with each other. It's stressful for both of you. You see him as being a "power crazed control freak" but I bet he also sees you as the same thing. I don't know what he's like obviously, but from my experiences with dh, it is really awful to have someone else say if and when you can see your child.

Going to court really doesn't help things in a sense because often it's seen as a "win" or "lose" situation and there can be anger on both sides long after it's over.

I think if you give it a bit of time, things will settle. He will get used to you having your son available for contact with no problems and learn to trust that when you say he's ill and can't come, it isn't another of your excuses (I know there may have never been any, but it's how he views it), you mean it. And likewise when he asks for extra contact or a switch of days, he isn't trying to be a controlling arse, he just wants to see his child a bit more.

That was my experience anyway. Things were as bad as they could probably get between dh and his ex, but given time things did improve.

I understand but its been 3 years and I 5think this is just his way. I cant see how he can tale me to court again!!! Over what!! I havent done anything.
No we agreed out of court setlement, as if it went in it would have been a couple of days of questioning etc as I had much against ex. But we agreed terms and even his barrister told him to grow up!!!! I think we were both satisfied with order as all agreed, he got long weekends etc that he wanted. I had to do the best I could for DS that courts would guve anyway.
Of course I bet he does see me like this, I know it cant be nice being told about contact etc but he did walk out on me for no reason when he was 2 and left me as a single mum for a while until I met my Dear husband now who took him on as his son.
I dont think he is controlling when he asks for differnet days etc at all, I encouraged more contact to begin with, he didnt take it. But he is controlling with asking to eliminate me from his bday and xmas as this is not in my sons best interests, only his own, and its cruel.
I havent heard anything yet from his soliciotr as I have said only 1 night compensation and not to take away my xmas etc. WHo knows, I am worried all the time but what can he do, I havent done anything wrong.