How the bloody hell do i fix this when i've been blaming him all along

[lorrycat]

I've posted a number of times about DP not being up to scratch and it has been causing huge problems in our relationship, to the effect that we are in counselling.

Well, i have been going to a spirituality awareness class and have been learning about mediation, guidance, healing etc etc. The class is taken by an excellent medium and healer.

So last night i stayed behind to see if he could give me any guidance on my relationship. He described our relationship in great detail. Said i didn't trust DP not to hurt me/let me down. He said the resentment and anger i feel is not actually about DP (which i believed) but from my past (i.e. sexual abuse suffered) and that DP is unknowingly the target for this pent up resentment etc. He did say that we were well matched and that we should continue with counselling, but that we need to focus more on our communication, as this is a major problem for us.

This was said without any prompting from me, and so i believe everything that he is saying. However i feel like total shit today because i don't even know where to begin to fix all this as i've been blaming DP on everyting all along.

Don't get me wrong, DP has let me down a lot in the past and is still very much a handful when he wants to be. I can't rely on him to remember things, help me out around the house without prompting, affection is minimal, sex is non-existent (and thats unusual for a man). The medium said that DP doesn't know what i want from him and so he never gets it right in my eyes.

So how do i learn to let go of this anger and resentment? I've done the counselling thing, twice. I've been for reiki, integrated energy therapy, crystal healing, i meditate.

Any other ideas before i totally lose my mind over this?

How about "the medium is talking out of his arse"? Does that help? He may be ever such a good medium and healer, but he's not a trained relationship counsellor, and he may be able to see into your soul but how can he also see into your DP's? I won't call him a charlatan because what he said sounds sensible enough up to a point, and he has advised you should carry on with the counselling, but either he's overstepped the mark or you're reading too much into what he said.

Yes, by all means question yourself and check whether your own behaviour can or should be modified. We should all do that. But your DP really has been a pain in the butt. You have much to be angry and resentful about. It is good for your soul to try and let go of it, but that is by no means the same thing as taking blame to yourself for resenting something that frankly, deserves to be resented.

first of all why do you want to save your marriage?

Surely you want a relationship where you can rely on someone -have someone who will help you and where you are on a level with.

The only thing i will say is to be true to yourself though. I know for a while i was treating my h very badly (he was having an affiar that i did not know about too) but for me i hated myself.

However he was treating me i knew i wanted to be a better person. I started treating him better and i do think that it helped us stay together - as he could see the 'real' me again and not this nagging hag i had become.

Change the things you can in yourself and if he is the one for you it will work.

However i do also beleive there are some people who have to admit they are not for each other.

Sadly i have had to 'cut' some people out of my life as i saw they were not good for me. I dont feel too bad about it as i know i can live with myself now.

Would telling your DP all this be a good start?

This is how I used to be with my DH too. I expected him to rescue me from everything and be perfect, never doing the slightest thing that reminded me the slightest bit of bad things that had happened. I wanted him to make up for everything and be everything to me. It was unrealistic and I had to gradually learn to trust him and accept his limitations. I don't think any one person can provide everything that we need, we need to get different bits from different people.

yes look at the things you can trust him to do.

For instance i can trust my h to do the washing up but give him the washing to do and he needs a map to even find the washing machine .

Also cant trust h not to fill the shopping trolley with crap (hence i do all the shopping). But he is so much better at putting petrol in the car (my pet hate chore).

It is called learning to love their faults and find a way to live with it.

I would stick with the counselling and not mix your sources of advice, particularly when one of them is unqualified and basing his conclusions on guesswork.

I tried about seven counsellors and therapists before I found one that was just right for me - so don't write it off just yet. It's always an option.

Try not to feel guilty, the important thing is that you've started to unfold what is actually going on.

I find EFT and emotrance really good for letting go of old hurts. IME it's not something that you just have one session and it's all fixed. It's a bit like layers of an onion, you strip one away and then you can work on the next.

Make sure too that you have a think about what the guy said to you. Don't just take everything he has said as gospel - they don't get it right 100% of the time. See whether it resonates with you and as long as it does, go for it!

I too had problems with dh. If I was having a moan about him not pulling his weight, he had a way of pressing buttons that would send me into orbit, and then I was the unreasonable one.

When I released whatever it was that the buttons were connecting with, he could make the same comments but I'd have no reaction, so the focus remained on dh, rather than me slamming doors and yelling.

We were never going to get anything sorted while we were each reacting how we used to. Now I am calmer about things, he has started to look at himself more and there is a definite improvement.

I think if you work on yourself and the issues are still there, then you have some thinking to do. But I would definitely give it a go to see if what you do makes any difference.

Thanks everyone... i am trying very hard to 'accept his limitations' (for example i asked him to do the washing up last night and its still sitting there but i know he will be home from work before me so it will be done at least before i get home).

I think i have a lot of soul searching to do myself - both in counselling and by taking time to myself. If i am holding onto resentment from abuse then i need to find a way to let go of this, for my sake and my relationships.

I do love DP. Whenever things are good he can make me feel on top of the world. However he has let me down a lot in the past and our relationship has been fraught with issues that quite frankly have not helped the fact that i am a very self-doubting person with limited self-confidence and a very poor self-image. But i guess that's my problem.

I am certainly not going to base my whole relationship on what this medium has said but it certainly does shed a new light that i was unable to see. For now i think i will continue in counselling.

God i feel like such a loon when i read that back!

My husband and I are going through similar problems. He has realised he has a lot of baggage and issues from his past and it has been affecting our marriage, don't get me wrong I've been a nagging hag too and had to learn to be kinder to him.

But he has began professional counseling and in the last 10 weeks he has become a changed man. The counseling is still continuing but it is really helping him and we are about to commence professional marriage counseling too.

I think rather than all these methods such as reiki etc I think perhaps you should consider doing what my husband has done and see a qualified, experienced counselor?

my h went to counselling after his affair- and he is soooo changed.
It was/is amazing - he actually thinks differently too.
But it was him that needed to want to go and change too.

I think by me changing it showed him that it could be done.

It has its drawbacks too - for a while he would say lets ask 'counsellor' how to handle this - and he still tends to think it is the answer to everything. When in fact having a disagreement is ok too sometimes .

If you are into reiki and crystals etc, don't dismiss the EFT and emotrance. It's bloody brilliant!

But I would agree about continuing with your counselling.

my advice to you is to forget to reiki, forget the crystal healing, forget all those alternative therapies, get on with your life, and see your councellor, but keep in mind what the medium said. Now that you are aware how much you make your dh into a scapegoat for so many bad things in your life/past, you have the power to change the way you think.

WE've only had 2 sessions of the counselling so i'd say its early days.
I will def bring up the abuse at the next session so that the counsellor is at least working with all the information.

We've been together 8 years and i don't want to lose it all. As much as we've been some tough times, we've been thru them together.

Happywoman, i agree that disagreements are ok. Its all in how you handle them

KwanYin, i will certainly look into the EFT and emotrance. Thank you

2010QEO...i enjoy these therapies. They are very relaxing (a bit like going for a massage). But i will definitely be keeping in mind what this man has said. As you pointed out, knowledge is power. And now i can take control of this.

Annie's right, this man is talking out of his arse.

Concentrate on the couples counselling you have committed to together and don't confuse issues by listening to the views of someone who hasn't even met your husband.

Making you feel guilty in this way based on his own guesswork is really shitty. I will go so far as to call him a charlatan.

skidoodle i can appreciate that the work these people do is not for everyone...maybe i should have left that part out of my post.

But i really appreciate that you've taken the time to reply and can assure you that i will definitely be continuing with the counselling.

thanks again

TBH while all mediums are either deluded or con artists (there being absolutely no spirit world, you know, it;s total bollocks) the con artists are sometimes quite good at helping confused people, because they do good sympathy and if they have had any counselling training in the past or even read the right books, may be able to give basic advice which is fairly sound.
The thing is, this can be helpful because stupid people can be very stubborn about accepting advice from friends/family/professional counsellors but will eagerly gulp it down when it comes from a ghosty.

Are there things your DP did early on in the relationship which upset you and damaged your trust in him? Things you find hard to let go of? I got that impression from something you said. I had a similar situation.

Would it help to think that people make dumb mistakes especially when they are still learning about how to live with you harmoniously, and he would have learnt from the situation of being with you over time so maybe unlikely to make those mistakes again? This is how I see my DH anyway - that he was more immature when I first met him and had his own issues which influenced him when he was younger and less comfortable with himself. If this doesn't apply to you just ignore me, but these are just thoughts that helped me.

lorrycat

even had you left out the bit about the kind of healer he was I would have said the same based on the fact that his advice was based on guesswork and made you feel guilty and unsure of yourself.

I think he is undermining your couples counselling, and having committed to that with your dp you should concentrate on that.

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrg... are you calling me stupid? I don't think i want to get drawn into your post. You have your opinions and beliefs, i have mine, but to suggest that i am stupid is quite nasty and un-called for.

OrdinarySAHM...yes i struggled to get him to commit in the beginning. It took 3.5 years for him to realise and say he loved me. He has dragged his heels when it came to moving in together and toally freaked out when i was pregnant. Although he adores DS now. I wish he had have been there for me more. I relied a lot on the support of friends and family and feel like it should have been him there instead. Sometimes this still creeps through and he can be selfish and very thoughtless even now. So i feel i have a right to harbour some resentment and anger.

However i think that its worth considering how my past may be aggrovating things further. Like yangymac said, its always good to put yourself in someone elses shoes.

skidoodle, but he suggested to continue the couples counselling. He simply pointed out something which i had never considered.

I'd always believed that the abuse from my past did not affect my relationship. He's saying it does.

i never told him i'd suffered abuse. he told me who my abuser was and that i was harbouring a lot of resentment and hurt from this.

He doesn't know whether it does or not. And he certainly doesn't have any insight into how it does.

Perhaps it has made you more likely to accept shitty behaviour and not stick up for what you deserve rather than what he is suggesting.0

Look at the title of your post ffs - you are accepting blame and worrying about how to fix all the things you've done.

That is not a healthy response in the circumstances. It's not your job to fix this relationship on your own.

I'd agree with what people have said about the medium. Most people can stand back and look at a problem and come to a similar conclusion to the one that the medium has, it's not a gift, it's empathy and outside opinion, which most of us have in abundance. Outside opinion is not always right though, whether you are a medium or not and these people act as if they have some higher knowledge - they don't.

However, I do think he has overstepped the mark.

He could do more damage than good and you have to be very careful of that. Mediums are very good at making you feel obliged to them so that with every event in your life, you will turn to them and ask for their insight and advice because they appear to know you better than you know yourself. It is preaching to the already converted.

Something is missing from your life and you need to find that thing.....whether it is learning to close the door on the past or finding ways to deal with current situations. Please stick with your counsellor and don't rely on someone who is not professionally qualified to advise you on such personal issues that have the potential to further damage you or your relationship.