How the bloody hell do i fix this when i've been blaming him all along

[lorrycat]

I've posted a number of times about DP not being up to scratch and it has been causing huge problems in our relationship, to the effect that we are in counselling.

Well, i have been going to a spirituality awareness class and have been learning about mediation, guidance, healing etc etc. The class is taken by an excellent medium and healer.

So last night i stayed behind to see if he could give me any guidance on my relationship. He described our relationship in great detail. Said i didn't trust DP not to hurt me/let me down. He said the resentment and anger i feel is not actually about DP (which i believed) but from my past (i.e. sexual abuse suffered) and that DP is unknowingly the target for this pent up resentment etc. He did say that we were well matched and that we should continue with counselling, but that we need to focus more on our communication, as this is a major problem for us.

This was said without any prompting from me, and so i believe everything that he is saying. However i feel like total shit today because i don't even know where to begin to fix all this as i've been blaming DP on everyting all along.

Don't get me wrong, DP has let me down a lot in the past and is still very much a handful when he wants to be. I can't rely on him to remember things, help me out around the house without prompting, affection is minimal, sex is non-existent (and thats unusual for a man). The medium said that DP doesn't know what i want from him and so he never gets it right in my eyes.

So how do i learn to let go of this anger and resentment? I've done the counselling thing, twice. I've been for reiki, integrated energy therapy, crystal healing, i meditate.

Any other ideas before i totally lose my mind over this?

I wonder what your therapist would say - whether he would agree with the medium? It would be interesting to hear what he/she says. I think lots of different therapies (and religions) use similar principles but in different words and it can be useful to some people because different people understand things in different words.

What can help in such situations as you find yourself in, is to remove the 'blame' element from your view.

If you can look at your relationship without deciding what is anyone's 'fault' it can help to take off a lot of the defensiveness that can grow up.

It can help you to look at what the reality of the situation is rather than what is 'ought' to be.

The words I've put in quotes are ones I feel could largely be removed from the English language!

please, the reiki, the crystal healing, all those alternative therapies - while your enjoyment of them may make some positive contribution to your wellbeing, they will NOT help you to fix your relationship.

While this chap may have some empathy and be a good listener (that's how these people operate) and he may have strayed into some of your issues he can't make judgments like that based on one discussion with you.

You need proper relationship counselling, together and separately.

SGB is right even though she may have worded it in rather a forthright manner.

Thank you so much yangymac...i walked away from this thread yesterday because it was making me feel horrible.

But somethign made me look again today and i'm so grateful for your post.

this is what i'm trying to do. by looking at tradtional and complimentary methods to get myself to a better place whilst continuing to go to the relationship counselling.

Thanks again x

Try not to feel guilty about what the healer said. MAybe it is right, maybe not. But either way, you have relationship issues that need sorted out on this planet... (I am not against alternative therapies btw) - but I really think this guy should not have told you all of this given the likely effects - which have happened.

Anyway, talk to your DH. You agree that communication is the main issue. So you need to talk - explain, or at least try. And open those lines up. And stick to the 'real life' relationship counselling for the practical side.

Do not think too much about what this guy said, and certainly don't feel guilty. You must have known all along that it can't ALL be DH, just as it can't ALL be your fault. So nothing has changed there.

Good luck with this, I hope things get better for you both

lorrycat

I think when relationships have issues its all too easy to fall into the "blame game", i.e its my fault, its his fault! Most likely its both, it takes two to tango.

I do have some concern however around this medium chappie, only becuase on the basis of one conversation he has given you alot of very directive advice, which has clearly swayed your thinking. I think people that behave like this are so irresponsible, and trust me, its not you being "stupid". You are confused and vulnerable right now. I have seen other people being affected this way by such alternative support networks.

I agree with others that suggest you hit this communication issue on the head and have a proper chat with DH. How is he feeling, how are you feeling, do you both want things to continue

Good luck, and I am sorry that this has caused more anguish for you.

I went through a long phase of having complementary & alternative therapies. I felt generally discombobulated and nervy; the treatments helped me to feel more centred and better about myself. I didn't know it then, but I was heading for a breakdown. After it, I started psychotherapy - which was what I'd been needing all along.

Psychotherapy looks very weird from the outside; also quite scary. When you're feeling bad because of truths that you have taken trouble to hide from yourself, the idea of making even more effort to uncover them looks deeply unattractive! Therapies which help to deal with the side-effects of your denial are far more appealing.

I'm not going to diss all alternative practitioners, because therapies work if you expect them to - and many therapists are insightful & caring. It was a complementary therapist who supported me through the beginning of my inner-child work.

What your medium told you, lorrycat, sounds logical enough. He's suggesting that you have a tendency to dump anger about your childhood onto your partner. That's quite likely. Another thing, which we all tend to do, is "demanding" unconditional (= parental) love from our partners, hoping to get what was denied us as children ... and that makes us angry, see? He also suggested your DP has his own internal issues, which prompt similar misfires in his interactions with you. If the medium has picked up on that from what he's learned about you during your healing, then he's likely correct.

None of this means there is any blame on either side. Whatever blame there is lies in the past, and can't be 'fixed' retrospectively. You can, however, stop it making you malfunction in the here and now. That's precisely what everyone in the Stately Homes thread, and which you could begin to fix once and for all using psychotherapy.

I'd like to think your medium has given you the best possible gift - the knowledge that will help you start your journey to emotional wellness, balance and rock-solid confidence from within. How about running it past your counsellor? If s/he is sympathetic (and has appropriate training) to working through deep-seated issues - rather than working with the side-effects - see where that takes you. You might want to look for a fully qualified psychotherapist instead.

I wish you luck and will hold your virtual hand if I can

Can I tell you something about spiritual healers.... my ex is one! He makes a bit of a living out of all the activities you described whilst simultaneously being a complete asshole.

My ex has not seen his children for almost 2 years, will not pay maintenance, has done some wierd shit around my children, has been violent to me, has pretended he is terminally ill, has tried to put my children in care - I could go on but I think you get the picture.

The reason he can claim to be a medium etc is because he is extrememly manipulative and self-engrandising. He is dangerous (which is why the court say he cannot see his children yet) and is a compulsive liar. Rather amusingly, he has started a mini Fathers for Justice group or something similar....all very worrying. He also has a job with the NHS!!!!

All this at the same time as offering mediumship, healing and reiki and crystals and spiritual development for his 'followers'.

Of course, your guy might be great. He might be a charlatan, your guy might even be the same person as the person I am speaking of. That said, it doesn't change your situation and concentrating hard on sorting practicalities and mending your relationship is the thing here. The stuff he told you is classic psychological stuff and I don't think that it really helps your situation any. He is playing into the guilt you have about the things you do - this is not unique to you, we all carry a bit of that. Telling you you have a communication problem with your partner is not exactly a revelation either is it?

Just please be careful and do not give yourself a hard time unnecessarily. Lots of people in the spiritual line of work do it for far more sinister reasons than to help others, most of it is to make themselves feel special and important. There is no regulation for this line of work but there is for counsellors so stick with the good stuff and kick this shit into touch