'But We Took You to Stately Homes'...a thread for adult children of abusive families

[therealsmithfield]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/angry/hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/lifetime experiences of being hurt/angry etc by our parent?s behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotional abused and/or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesnt have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/or current parental contact has left you feeling damaged falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful if you have come this far and are still not sure wether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts;.

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect you feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defenses that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety will undoubtedly us it during confrontation to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behavior. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offenses against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behavior. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get," or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ....

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realize that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller

Personality Disorders definition

follow up to pages first thread

Im sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out grin. I personally dont claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will recieve a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support.

Happy Posting (smithfield posting as therealsmithfield)

Hi Ellie, I am relatively new too, just a couple of weeks. I am in a similar situation to you where I still see my mother. Part of the reason I am going to counselling is to try and work out how to deal with seeing her better.She is an ok grandparent certainly not abusive to them or she would never see them again. However she still tries to control everything and everyone but most especially me.

And yes I went to stately homes too.....

Hi all

Its been a few days of trying to sort me head out. I had my first session of counselling and I think it went well. It was a bit of anti-climax but it gave me a lot of things to start thinking about. He (couldn't cope with seeing a woman) posed some interesting questions too. I have done a lot of walking and thinking so at least the dogs are fitter! I do feel happier but in a way that it could all shatter and fall apart.

Husband also seems happier but still not "married" to me and refuses to even think about his stance. I am working from the point of view that I need to sort me out and them let him see where he stands. Think it may have shoked him that I had worked out how much maintainance I would need if we were to split but I have to be practical so I can move forward.

In a way I feel better but still scared it could all come crashing down. I have my next counseeling session on Tuesday so hopefully that will help but less time on my own to think as the kids have finished school for Easter.

Well done, Sal Walking does help sort your head out, doesn't it?

You're absolutely right, you need to get yourself healthy before worrying about your husband & marriage. As you've understood, forthcoming changes in your own emotional state will alter the balance of things at home anyway.

Be proud of yourself! And remember to treat yourself with care. Have a nice weekend.

Thanks Grace, you too

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diving, thank you for your post. I felt I couldn't remember much from when I was under the age of 10. But I can see now I do have quite a lot of memories but I was sort of pushing them away or trying to ignore them. I have had these memories for some time, but I have never really focussed on them and tried to access the feelings associated with them. It must be much harder to access the feelings from when one was a very young child as there would have been so much confusion at the time, no understanding of how one felt and why. The feelings when i was an older child were easier to access because perhaps I had so much more understanding in my mind about what was happening to me.

It was so nice to read about how you are dealing with not having a mother figure in your life and so lovely to hear how your DH steps in when necessary. I so wish my DH could or would do the same but I think emotionally he is completely empty/numb I don't know. Even if i tell him about my needs in plain english he just does not seem able to understand them and take them on board. I really despair about our relationship at times. It seems to get better but then something happens and I feel we are no further forward at all. I honestly cannot see how our relationship will make it in the long run.

I wanted to talk about when somebody in your present life is not a scapegoat but is toxic in their own right and has 'added' to the damage already caused by your parents. I have been struggling a bit with this recently. I have been telling myself that even if I encounter a toxic person in my life today, if they treat me badly, even this is ultimately down to my parents, because it was due to the damage they did to me, that I allowed the present day toxic person to be horrible to me. By 'rationalising' like this (incorrectly I now think) I have allowed the present day toxic person to escape responsibility for her actions, because I have blamed my parents. And it seems my body has known the truth all along, and has been trying to tell me but I have been overriding the bodily messages with my intellectual rationalisations. I have now realised that I am justified in placing some blame and responsibility on the present day toxic person. The damage she has caused 'overlaps' the damage done by my parents which is why I think it has been hard for me to work out that she is to blame as well as my parents and that she has caused extra and additional damage on top of what my parents have caused.

Sorry, am sure this sounds waffly and jumbled, but I now have things clearer in my mmind by writing all this out.

Just want to add that the present day toxic person I am talking about is my MIL. And now that I am 'allowing' myself to be angry at her I need to find a safe outlet for my feelings. Because I feel like ripping her head off right now. Sorry, that is a bit graphic but it's how I feel. She is a truly evil person, rotten to the core. And I am sure that this is what is causing problems between me and DH. I absolutely hate his mother. But he loves her. And I supposedly love DH. But how can I love somebody who loves somebody I absolutely hate? DH has opened his eyes a bit to his mother recently, but he is still not willing to see how truly toxic she is. No doubt because then he will have to face up to the fact that she has also been toxic towards him and he absolutely does not want to do that at all costs. He wants to remain in his nice, comfy cocoon of denial and completely avoid the pain that is involved with seeing the truth.

Hi Exotictraveller, poor you but well done you for recognising it. I do think you are right it is easier for your DH not to have to face up to what his mother is especially when he is already living with what your parents have done to you. Maybe in time when he sees how you have grown by facing your past he may see the benefits and start down his own path. But until then you need to concentrate on you and not let her stall your progress or end your marriage. Thats a decision for the two of you and you never know, it may be exactly what she wants!

Hello,

It was only a matter of time before I joind this thread I think.

My back story has it's own thread..."gone for the third and last time"

There is also stuff on the npd thread.

I am fascinated by the Alice Miller pages. The idea that we store the hurt in our bodies. I have rheumatoid artritis, which has miraculously improved since my h went. It's not gone, but the improvement is considerable. I would love to explore this further.

The irony in that, as the scapegoat, I am the one seeking help, is staggering, and the sorrow that I have for my h, who despite everything, I love, and like very much. I wish, pray whatever that one day he will face up to the fact that his family/upbringing was and is just as toxic, if not more so than mine. And that shared experience is quite possibly what drew us together. He has the added "bonus" of catholicism to deal with too.

In both of our families there are addictions, eating disorders, labels and hideous name calling/ accusations and scapegoating. Hints of sexual abuse are there too.

I have cut my immediate family out completely.

I love Ellie's story. It is inspiring.

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Another thread has made me think today. Im not sure why I want to post here, Im not sure that my childhood was abusive but I do know that it was very unhappy and that it affects me even now.

My parents split up when I was 9 and my Mother moved in with a woman, she was a lesbian for political reasons apparently, she not now.

My mother's p couldn't stand me, she was better with my sister but I think that was because shes younger than me and accepted everything more readily. Plus I have always been more blunt with my opinions.

We were made to go to bed very early and were often not allowed in the house or only allowed in our bedroom for hours because it was "adult time".

We were made to wear boys clothes because we had "big arses" and "because of the rapists".

We were punished excessively for stupid, normal things like going in a drawer or even because they thought that we might have done. Normally we were grounded for a week.

My sister was repeatedly told ahe was a thief (she wasn't she just touched things in her own "home" like a normal child) she was once driven to the police station being told all the way there that she was was going to be arrested for stealing a malteser, she was about 5. She had to use a cup with a lid untill she was 11 because she was too clumsy to be trusted with a normal one.

Apparently I had a persecution complex, was selfish and nobody liked me. I was selfish because aged 10 I didnt notice that the p had lost a lot of weight. I was put on the scales aged 15 to show me how fat I was. Now I think I always see myself as being at least 2 sizes bigger than I am. If Im unhappy I dont eat or eat a lot, most of the time Im ok, but two people have told me recently that before I got pregnant with dd2 they were worried about me because I was so thin I looked Ill, I wouldnt say its a ed as such though. My sister is bulimic.

The p made me read book about something I have a phobia of, making the phobia a lot worse.

She (the p) was obsessed with sex and rapists. We had to wear the clothes we did, and couldn't shave our legs or wear deodorant because of the rapists that apparently stood out side of the school gates. She made comments about my body and pubic hair like it was disgusting sometimes in front of other people.

When they split up my dm didnt want me in the house so she made me go and live with her sister, my family all hated me because they believed my dm when she told them I was selfish and abusive towards her and was the reason that she was unhappy. I think she blamed me for them splitting up, and she likes having some one who is "abusing" her so that she is the victim she loves to be the person people feel sorry for. I dont remember going back, but a couple of months after that she did the same thing when she just turned up with my dad out of the blue and made me go and live with him, which I did for about 6 months. I didnt talk to my dm at all during those times, she didnt so much as ring me once.

At this point she got herself another partner (a man this time). He liked me and that made her hate me more. She moved out of the house and just left me and my sister (but by this time I was 21 with a very small baby). I made sure my sister went to school, cleaned the house did the washing and during this time me and my sister became very close. One day she turned up with her sister, and said I had to get out with my baby. The baby was in bed, she wouldnt let me wait until morning and she wouldnt give me a lift to my dads which is about 20 miles and I had no money. After I left she just went, leaving my sister to be responsible for her self. In the end she left school, she just couldnt cope with it I think.

That's just a vague outline really, there are a lot of things I cant or dont want to remember. I dont know why I want to get it out, I think Im just having one of those days.

not had time to catch up with you all, and not got time to reply properly, hope to do so later, counselling did not go well at all, long story, I won't be going back, I need to think about where I am going now with things.

I did go to challenge mother after counselling, it was interesting, and exhausting, another long story!

I found out my niece who is 2 months old and lives abroad (i have never seen her), nearly died and had had emergency heart surgery, and we had not been told, it was something to beat me with during my challenge to mother to stop me, it didn't work as much as I was despirate to know, I knew it was information she was using as part of her game to change the subject to stop herself facing what I was telling her!

One day at school, when I was 8, I fell during a playground game. I came round in the staff room, to find the deputy head offering me orange squash and a rainbow-coloured bump on my forehead which - to my amusement at the time - stuck out so far, I could see it without using a mirror! The school sent me home: a 20-minute walk on my own. Yes, it was the Sixties but we had a phone at home!

Dad was, I now realise, angry at the school for their irresponsibility. Anyway, he tried to find out what had happened by asking me: I didn't understand the word "unconscious" so couldn't give him the information he wanted. As usual when frustrated, he banged my head against the wall. Hard. Several times; rat-a-tat-a-tat. It hurt so much, I couldn't even cry.

The fracture turned out to be quite serious, though of course I didn't mention the second injury to the doctor.

I reminded Mum about this last year: she didn't recall the head-banging part, although she'd been standing outside my bedroom door. She was shocked to hear of it - I bet she's forgotten it again now! - but told me she remembers him banging my head against the roof of our camper van. Perhaps the sound, which must have been impressive, penetrated her delusional defences. I don't recall that incident but, as I told her last year, he was always banging kids' heads (particularly mine).

"You're exaggerating," she protested. "I'm not," I replied: "It was a rare week when I didn't get banged or thrown against a wall. And there were no weeks without at least one of us getting it."

The thing is, I revisit the few incidents I remember, aiming to feel the feelings of the child I was. That child felt ... resigned: it was just the way of things. I try to "nurse" her, but it just doesn't feel real. I'm not sure I would have known how to respond to the tenderness I offer retrospectively. I have better success with telling my Dad off and protecting the imaginary little me, but I feel the absence of gentleness is holding me back in the present day, iyswim?

Any advice?

Exotic, well done on clarifying your problems wrt MIL

I echo what Diving said.

Throughout my life, I have been hideously enmeshed with people whose characters traits resembled those of my parents. They 'triggered' me in predictable ways ... and so the dance continued: dancing with different friends, partners and co-workers, but always the same steps. (Reframe that as a script, a song or a painting, if it suits better.)

I have good news for you. As I started to understand what was happening, my awareness altered and so did my responses. Now I am sure I disengage from such patterns. Certainly, I still give off the signals that suggest I know the routine (and, therefore, the steps they want me to dance with them). But I decline. This is a subtle procedure - imperceptible, even - but it's here, in me, and it works.

So you don't need to leap to any vast conclusions! Just keep going the way you are, and your relationship with your mother-in-law (and others of that ilk) will resolve into something less important and vastly less bothersome.

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I keep meaning to add something about Alice Miller's body memories. I recognise the significance and truth in her theory, but have always felt resistance towards it as I know emotions cannot be literally stored this way. I've found out what it means, in terms of reference that suit my understanding of how we work: not to say my view is the only one! I thought this explanation might help another reader, whose references resemble mine.

Memories come in assorted varieties, generally comprising a network of impulses in different parts of the brain. One of the areas involved is the amygdala, the 'prehistoric' part deep in the centre of the brain. Hope I've got its name right. As well as connecting with more recently evolved brain areas, the amygdala has powerful and direct influence on the body. It regulates instinctive stuff like breathing, heart beating and so on. Because we experience its directives as so instinctive that they just happen without conscious awareness, powerful emotions & memories can (and do) set up amygdala responses which manifest as physical. The amygdala has stored information as a necessity for survival. Incidentally, this is why the smell of something, which once made you ill, can make you physically sick!

So this is what "stored in the body" means - in a way that I can comprehend.

divingintoeternity, that's a wonderful idea and I hadn't thought of it. I often comforted my brother after a "Dad session" - it may work very well. Going to try it later, maybe in the shower!
Thank you

Love your co-worker story!

Good god, justsaying
It's up to you how you choose the words to describe your childhood, but I'd certainly describe it as abusive! It's almost as though your mother and her partner couldn't bear the fact that you're female - quite a problem for a girl, I should say. It's like rejecting your very existence.

I wish you all the very best in your 'journey' - your sister, too. And Saddest, of course

Hello, all your posts since I last posted myself have given me so much food for thought. Thank you.

Since I have consciously started thinking about my first 10 years and realising that those years were abusive too, I have had quite a few new realisations.

Because of my very bad relationship with my mother from a very early age, possibly from birth, I think I became imprinted with the message that 'all women are bad, horrible and nasty'. And I am sure that this subconscious message has had a huge part to play in my finding my relationship with my DD so very difficult. And at times I have thought to myself that I simply do not like DD because she is a girl. And I have grown up with a severe contempt and dislike for women in general, but it has always been at a subconscious level. But I realised today that as a result of all the times when my mother made me feel as if I was an irritation, a nuisance, bad, horrible etc, I must have felt like I disliked and even hated her. But I suppressed my feelings at the time because I needed my mother and wanted her to love me. And I am sure now that those buried feelings have been triggered from day 1 by DD. My hatred and dislike of my mother has been transferred to DD. I still have feelings of intense dislike for DD but I never show them outwardly but nevertheless they are there inside me, nagging away at me. I realise now, consciously that the real target of my feelings should be my mother and that DD is merely the trigger. These feelings of hatred, dislike and contempt are different from the intense rage and anger I used to feel. I realised some time ago that DD was merely the trigger for my anger and that my parents were the correct target for my anger. But as well as anger I realise now I also have these other powerful feelings stored up from childhood as a result of my mother's interactions with me.

I am so grateful I have realised all this now, before any more damage is done to DD.

Gosh I have had some week

Last week I hit an all time low but ultimately I have had a major breakthrough

It was a combination of factors - PMT, illness, bad weather, no support etc. I actually felt suicidal and went to my GP in desperation. I would never do it, I love my kids too much but I just wanted to be free from this suffering about my childhood. He tried to refer me to a community psychiatric team but couldn't get in touch with them. I ended up seeing a psychiatrist yesterday. As I expected he wasn't interested in my childhood issues and seperated them from what he saw as depression and a problem with my mood. He is going to prescribe anti depressants and the community team apparently will support me and refer me to appropiate services e.g. therapy

Fast forward 24 hours, I am on holiday with my dh and the kids and I feel much calmer - even happy. I read Drama of The Gifted Child in one night and it made such sense to me. I am prone to mood swings and even depression but I now realise more than ever how much my childhood and the lack of unconditional love, has been imprinted on me and affects my behaviour and ability to cope through bad patches. I knew it before, could intellectualize it even but I didn't really feel it. The anger and sorrow for that little girl. I was abused and I wasn't loved and in order to survive I met my parent's grandiose needs.

So much can be explained by the pain of that loss. My obsession with my looks and needing male attention, my choice of career which doesn't really suit me and my distorted body image. My need to be liked and inability to assert myself. My exhaustion from social interactions as I analyse everything said and done in case I did or said something wrong. My persistant negativity and feelings of grandiosity e.g. I need to do something great in order to be worthwhile

I am now realising how badly I was abused and the suspicion of sexual abuse is looming. I was terrible to my ds this week, which resulted in guilt and sorrow. I think he triggers me but I know I love him deeply and unconditionally

I am beginning to feel positive that I will overcome this, for me and more importantly for my children and husband (who I have given hell this week also). It feels like a huge layer of the rotten scab has come away and eventually it will all come away to reveal healthy flesh underneath

I will never get back my childhood but I can grieve properly and learn to stop repeating behaviours that are imprinted from childhood - that I needed then to survive. I don't need to survive anymore, I can live now. I can live without the need of my adoptive parent's love. I am finding my true self and I am pretty sure I don't need medication just to be kind to myself and find better coping strategies when the chips are down.

I am taking positive steps e.g. applying for extra hours at pre school nursery for ds, career changes and finding ways for my dh and I to get more time together.

I will not let those bastards beat me - if I live well, love lots and laugh often I have won

Rose - I really relate to your post especially when you said;

'So much can be explained by the pain of that loss. My obsession with my looks and needing male attention, my choice of career which doesn't really suit me and my distorted body image. My need to be liked and inability to assert myself. My exhaustion from social interactions as I analyse everything said and done in case I did or said something wrong. My persistant negativity and feelings of grandiosity e.g. I need to do something great in order to be worthwhile'

I could have written all of this myself. It is really hard coming to terms with all of this when you have just had a young baby. Another part of your story which I relate to as this was exactly where I was when I had dd.
I ended up taking the anidepressants as I saw it as a life jacket when I was literally drowning in my own emotions. All my anxiey I had experienced as a child shot to the surface when I had dd. It was as though I found it impossible to feel safe. As though my body was still living in the past tense even though I was living (albeit barely) in the present.
I also struggle with my ds (my first born too) being a huge trigger for me. He is a lot like me, which makes me think that 'emotionally' I still blame myself and feel angry at the child I was for not being loveable enough. Generally not being enough fro either of them.
Wrt to the sexual abuse I can see how much this affects you at the moment. Especially the not knowing. I wondered if you had read at all about the concept of 'emotional incest'. There is some stuff on it if you google it. Im not saying this definately applies to your relationship with yourself and your step father, but it might help you in some way. It helped me to realise that there is such a thing as covert sexual abuse where there doesn't need to be any actual sexual contact. Boundaries are still crossed and it is still abuse.
Take etra special care of yourself Rose, you are like oxygen to your children they need you to give yourself the nurturing you so desperately need right now.

Just a quick one as haven't had time to read everything fully.

Grace, the way you described the stuff about the amygdala and stored emotions is similar to the way my therapist described it to me. He was forever getting his model plastic brain out, dropping all the bits on the floor, saying "Oh dear my brain is broken", then explaining to me why I reacted to things the way I did and why they are normal reactions which make sense scientifically. I found it very reassuring.

Like you, I want a bit of science and logic before I will believe things.

Thanks Rose, what you said really hit home for me too. Think I will go and get a copy of the book too.

Exotic Traveler- I really relate to what you are saying, I was terrified when I was pregnant that I would have a girl and I would in some way hurt her. I had two boys but now I have a good friend with a daughter I am seeing what I could have had what a real mother -daughter relationship should be.

Had an interesting day yesterday and perhaps it will take up some of tomorrows counselling session. Spoke to husband about his unwillingness to try at our marraige as we had just had a fantastic day out with the kids but he had spoiled it with comments about being friends but didn't love me and no future for our marriage. In the end I told him how I felt. That a month ago he was talking about wanting another baby if we could sort things out (not that I am sure I want one but that is another story) and now here I am on the anti-depressants and finally getting help to sort out my past and he wants nothing to do with me. He basically said everyone thought he was in the wrong so he would try. You would think I would be happy but I feel really torn. On the one hand I am thinking this is what I want I don't want our family to split up and I think I do love him but on the other hand I want him to be here because he wants to be not cause he worried about what will happen. I am scared I will chase him away if I try to discuss it so maybe I need to leave well enough alone for now and see what happens.

Sorry think I just needed to get that out

Sal, thank you so much for your post. I have realised I am in such a minority in RL when I tell friends I wanted a boy not a girl when I was pregnant with DD. In fact I would have been very happy to have had only boys. Every other mother I talk to says they desperately wanted a girl and were terrified of having a boy. So it feels so good for me to hear somebody else say they felt exactly how I did about having a girl.

I wish I had talked more about how I felt when I was pregnant with DD. I kept my absolute dread of having a girl completely secret, I didn't even tell DH. I think I felt I couldn't talk about it because it was not just a preference to have a boy, I was desperate to have a boy and felt like I hated and despised girls so much I would hate my baby if she was a girl. I felt numb and disappointed when DD was born, even though I hid it and pretended I was happy.

I had somehow always put my hatred of girls down to mainly growing up with 2 sisters who used to fight all the time. But the real root cause is because I must have developed a hatred and contempt for my mother from a very early age. And as a child, my mother was my whole world and so it would have been very easy to expand my hatred for my mother to hatred for all women/females. To me as a child, my mother represented the entire female species and I can see very clearly now where my dislike and even hatred for DD originated. Alice Miller talks in The Drama about how we see our parents in our children and I could not relate to that myself until now. All along DD has been triggering me, sending me back to when I was a very, very young child, who was treated very unlovingly, unkindly and uncaringly by her mother. That young child developed a hatred for her mother, but suppressed all her feelings and those feelings have been triggered by DD, not even by her doing anything, but simply by the fact that she is female.

At the moment I feel that I have only had an 'intellectual' realisation of how I felt towards my mother as a child. I need to access the actual feelings from when I was a child.

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