Ex nearly hit an elderly man in Asda......

[tippytap]

So, I've posted before that my relationship with my XP was EA and probably violent as well - he never "hit" me, but "play fighting" went that little bit too far.

I bite the skin around my thumbs when I'm stressed/worried (disgusting, I know) and my XP told me that he'd slap me whenever he saw me doing it. Course I said No Way - I can do what I want to my own body! Anyway, next time he saw me doing it, he squeezed the sort points on my thumbs so hard, they brought tears to my eyes - and then said it was my own fault, as he told me what would happen if I carried on doing it.

There're other things, but you get the idea.

To cut a long story short (Whew!), due to the snow and not being able to get the car out/our DD to school we were both home on Wednesday and he ended up accompanying our DD and me to Asda.

There were a lot of people there, stocking up in case the weather got too bad, so the queues for the tills were quite long. We were almost at the checkout, when I realised that I'd forgotten something, so I nipped off to get it. I was gone no more than two minutes tops.

When I got back to the checkout, I just saw my XP bearing down on a man who must've been twice his age. I had to grab him round the waist, pull him away and ask him what the heck he was doing? Answer? The man and his wif and pushed in front of him in the queue!

I tried to tell him that is no reason at all to hit someone , let alone shout/act like that in frount of our DD who is only 3! Of ccourse,all he could see is that it wasn't HHIS fault,this couple shouldn't have pushed in. There was also an allegation made by the man's wife, that my XP had pushed a trolley into her, which was what had started the threat of violence, but I didn't see it, so don't know if it was true or not.

Security were called. Another checkout opened for the other couple and we swiftly left.

He has not said that he's sorry for what very nearly happened or said that he was wrong at all.

Now I know my XP has a nasty temper, but I've never seen him lose it so completely in public before. He is normally very protective of his public image, iykwim.

This follows hot on the heels of me receiving from him an extremely abusive pphone call, completely out of the blue, when I was at work, due to a misunderstanding about access to our DD.

My sister thinks that he is having a breakdown. I think that he is acting like this because he has a new GF, he has to "keep her sweet" at the moment and is taking his frustrations out on me (as usual) and random strangers.

What do you think, please? I know people here have more experience of this stuff than I have. Should I be worried for my daughter/me about the overt violence? Do you think he's escalating, or just going through a bad patch?

Thanks - sorry for the long post. x

oh dear
you poor thing
I dont think its a bad patch if he says afterwards that he saw no wrong in what he was doing just my opinion but sure;ly if when all is done (i.e anger overfor that incident) he should see how out of order he was

he was fucking nasty to you
maybe he just is fucking nasty

any chance you cxould get visitation but with someone from ss to sccompany him if your concerned about his behaviiour infront of your dd

couln't not post but porbab;y have no helpful advice

He is just fucking nasty, and you're well shut.

Get a taxi to Asda next time and don't allow yourself to believe any of his crap.

Trinity - I don't think I can do that.

As far as I know, I'm the only one on the receiving end of this stuff. No-one else has seen it/would believe me. When I've mentioned it before, he says it was just fun and that I have a low pain threshold/can't take a joke/overreacting etc.

On the plus side, I don't think he'd do anything in front of his new GF, so our DD should be ok.

worry, worry, worry.

What a vile piece of work tipptytap .

Rather than get him to take you to Asda or wherever get a taxi. Yes it's an extra cost but is it not worth it?

You think people wouldn't believe you and that he doesn't do stuff in front of others. What happened in the supermarket then? Was that not in front of others? the fact that he didn't think he did anything wrong is very worrying if not surprising.

I'd strongly suggest taking a note of all this stuff (even print out this thread).

If he's behaving like this now the likelihood is he will escalate. He might be behaving in front of his new gf now (after all, he needs to reel her in) but if she hangs around long enough she'll get this cruel behaviour too.

I'm not saying this to be scary but do be on your guard.

"As far as I know, I'm the only one on the receiving end of this stuff. No-one else has seen it/would believe me. When I've mentioned it before, he says it was just fun and that I have a low pain threshold/can't take a joke/overreacting etc."

That's a classic abusers line. His behaviour is thoroughly out of order and he knows it.

I for one believe you and if I do then so will others.

Thanks Janos.

Sometimes I worry if the fear is just in my head, you know - like it's not really that bad, that I am over reacting.

This is just the latest in a long line of things that've happened.

I've read the LUndy Bancroft books and can see him in there easily, but the book doesn't tell you how to deal with them in real life. Everytime I have to say no to something, I know that he will "get me back" in some way. Usually, by askin for more access to our DD when it's time we've agreed that she is with me.

Why are you going anywhere with him? I understand you need to allow contact for him and DD but why on earth are you going to Asda with him? That needs to stop. Do not see him for anything other than essential time with DD.

Glad to see you've ready Lundy too tippytap

I understand very much where you're coming from and unfortunately men like your X will use access as another opportunity to 'control' you.

You are allowed to say no to him. Hard to believe I know..not saying that sarcastically at all as I have been there and know the horrible 'hold' they can have over you.

tippytap, I believe you too

he is a nasty bastard

not sure why you are doing shopping trips together though...

keep your contact with him to a minimum is the usual advice when dealing with dickhead ex's

communicate by text if need be and have dd ready on the doorstep

ignore any abusive texts and stick to your guns about what suits you and her, all this is not for his benefit, is it?

does he see your dc in your house ? I would put a stop to that. If he kicks off, say you are not comfortable in his company and he must take her out/have her at his place or you will re-negotiate the terms of contact (eg. use a supervised contact centre)

your dc should not be witnessing such random acts of aggression...it is damaging to her as is your evident fear of him

however, having said all that, I have never dealt with such an abusive, unreasonable person so I imagine it must be very, very hard (understatement of the year...)

I think you will get lots of good advice on here, from people who have been through what you are experiencing

Thanks for all your replies.

Have just had a fun morning. It's our DD's first day at Nursery today, so we both took her/will pick her up.

on the way there, he asked to have our DD on Fri night (my weekend) and I said no - my weekend. Of course, this is me being unreasonable as he won't see our DD til Weds of next week (he normally has her every Mon, but has had to change his days at work next week) then he told me that I should be nicer to him, as our DD will pick up on any negative actions on my part - which is fair enough. I told him that I am very polite to him, but he said it comes across vey artificial and it appears that I don't like him! Soooo. I told him that I didn't much like him. He asked what I thought of him and I told him i'd tell him after we'd dropped DD off at school, if he really wanted to know.

Anyway, for the last hour and a half, have had a massive row with him. He does not agree that he has been abusive in any way and said that it was all my fault as I didn't stand up to him when we were together. I tried to explain that I did at first, then realised I couldn't win any arguments when i was with him - that everything was my fault. He said it is my fault because I can't argue my point effectively, that it's ok to do/say anything o win an argument and I shouldn't have been such a doormat.

He said I've gone from one extreme to another as now we argue all the time. I tried to point out that we only argue when I have to say "no" to him about somethng, but this seemed to go over his head.

It got very heated at points. He thinks I should get over it! I told him that I have. I have been happier in the last 2 or so years, than I was for years when we were together, but that I'll never like him, because he was so horrible to me when we were together. He can't seem to understand this.

Not sure why I chose today to let all this come out, I think it's because of what happened last week and the fact that you MN's believe me. TBH, I sometime wonder myself if it was "that bad". My XP certainly doesn't see it that way.....

He accepts taht things I've described have happened - such as afer the first time he was unfaithful, he threatended to kill himself if I left - but says that they were all "mistakes".

He says I am vindictive and everyone sees me that way. I asked who, as only a couple of weeks ago, his Mum remarked how well we got along, for our DD sake. The only person he could name was his current GF. I told him that she;s only had one side of the story and would he like me to sit with her for an hour or so? He told me he has been completely honest with her...oh yeah!

I dunno. Sometimes I think I am bonkers. Sorry for the long ramble!

x

you are not bonkers

and that ridiculous tirade just adds weight to the fact that you should be spending zero time together, other than for essential dd handovers

you will never convince him he is in the wrong

stop trying to make him see, he won't

stop listening to him...he is an utter (deluded) wanker

I really think you should speak to the staff at Asda and see if the incident was recorded/they have the details of the people attacked. I would want the police notified of what happened.

What are you going to do if your dd stops wanting to see him or becomes one of his victims?

AF - Yep, I agree. I need to stop seeing him, full stop.

It's just that I've never, ever told him how he made me feel during the time we were together. He thinks i am bitter because he was unfaithful and really, that's the lesser part of how rubbish things were.

I know he doesn't understand and I know it's because of how he is, but oddly, I feel better for telling him. That I had the courage to tell him that he was abusive to me.

Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with him, though - If i try to stop him coming into my house, he says its detrimental to our Dd and might upset her/worry her.

x

Sleighgirl - our DD is 3 and loves her Daddy. If this changes in the future or if I think he is hurting her in anyway, I'd do something about it.

Nope, the security staff didn't take any namrs or anything. I think that they were glad it all blew over.

eh ?

so having to be dragged off an elderly man in Asda is not "upsetting/worrying" for your dd

I think you have your thoughts a bit skewed there, tippy (I think he has done a proper number on you...)

you are in charge...by his own actions he has made it clear that he is not stable

I seriously would not let my toddler be alone with a man like that

and relying on his "new girlfriend" to modify his violence is a mistake, IMO

Just tell him in writing he is no longer welcome in your home at all under any circumstances. If he doesn't like it then he needs to take you to court.

You are not denying him contact of anything by refusing to spend time with him.

AF - Really? You think it's harming my DD? Afaik, it's the first incident f this kind that has happened.

I know that he and his current gf have a more shouty relationship than I had with him, but that's because she stands up for herself.

Does anyone know of an organisatin or something, that I can talk to about this, please?

sorry tippy, I do

if she witnessed a grown man (her daddy) lunging at an eldery gentleman for "pushing in", and having to be physically restrained, then how can that not be damaging ?

you say he "takes his frustrations out on you"...what is that teaching her about relationships ? That women are emotional punchbags and their opinion doesn't count ?

that all you have to do to get your own way is to be verbally and physically intimidating ?

I am really sorry, it sounds like I am haranguing you now, and am sure you must be very upset

I think you would be well-advised to speak to WomensAid on this matter

is there a formal process in place for his contact with dd? Do you have a solicitor?

Tippy- I am sorry for you, and more so for your daughter, but the fact that it's the first time he's lost it as far as you know, is unlikely to mean it's the first time he's lost it.

He is a classic manipulator and abuser, that much is already clear, and underlined by the old chestnut of threatening to kill himself coming out.

Read through some of the DV threads in relationships. Not all abuse means you are walking about with broken ribs. It doesn't mean it's not abuse.

I have spoken to a solicitor before, but not mentioned any abuse. At thetime, I wasn't sure if it was abuse, let alone that it sounded serious enough to mention it, or be beleived.

My solicitor said that any access we agreed would be "reasonable" and that the courts would only become involved, if we could not reach an agreement.

My family life growing up, was so different to my DD. I don't want her to be affected by all this.

tippy, give them a ring

they will chat to you, no pressure to do anything, unless you want to

they have seen this many, many times before

tippy, what you have described is very far from normal

this is the last thing I will post on your thread

I think I am frightening you, and pressurising you

But please think about what your dd is witnessing and learning

If he is OK to behave like he did in a supermarket full of people, and be subject to their scrutiny and judgement, I shudder what he is capable of behind closed doors

so sorry, and good luck with getting your head round whatever you need to do (or at least be more aware of)

Womens Aid will be able to help you - 0808 2000 247

He is emotionally hurting her, even if he isn't whacking her too...

Mention the abuse to the solicitors - it is VITAL your DD is fully protected, and that can be hard enough without keeping information from them (I know you didn't do it deliberately)

Write down everything - every argument, fight, incident, rude text or email, answerphone messages and present it to the lawyers. They will use what they can and not what they can't but it's best they have it all to work from (I presented my lawyer with 20 A4 pages of notes - he was not baffled one bit)

Take care xx