This sounds really trivial...

[tiredmelly]

To not drone on too much and sorry if it sounds a bit trivial-

Am I out of order being peeved at DH for coming up behind me and talking to me whilst I was clearing stuff off the floor? Thus resulting in me banging my head with a massive whack on the corner of a chest of drawers.

Because I said he shouldn't have come up behind me he went off in a huff calling me a 'freak'. A simple 'sorry' would have sufficed.

Would you be massively peed off in your DH called you a freak?

Can't believe this post. MY DH called me a freak the other day and I couldn't work out if I should be annoyed or not.

I had a word with him and said that it was not on for a man to call his wife any sort of name - even if he meant it half jokingly (he king of tried to pass it off as a joke after he said it, but it came out quite mean).

I thought should I post on MN, but didn't get around to it.

all the best of luck, tm

even if Relate doesn't help you work it out, you will know that you gave it your all

Does he call you other names or swear at you Spaceman?

I know I've only posted this but really it's prob the tip of the iceberg. DH has name called for a fair while and it must stem from somewhere /something.

People seem to have differing views on name calling but I believe that anything not said in complete jest is wrong, especially so infront of children.

Thankyou AF, I just can't bear the thought of us splitting and me having to share custody of the children when I've tried everything to make it work.

Probably sounds very selfish.

How incredibly brilliant that he reminded you to call Relate!

That makes it look like: [1] you both recognise there are real problems; [2] you both want to find out what you can do about it.
OK, recognising 'real problems' isn't the best news in itself, but you do know you can't fix something if you pretend it isn't broken? Looks like a damn fine step forwards to me

Erm, you know you posted an annoyed update that he hadn't gone to work even though "obviously he is completely fine"? Well, I don't think I'd be "completely fine" if my DP had just implied our marriage was on the rocks. I think he wasn't fine, took the day to consider, and concluded Relate was a good idea.

Can you give him some props for that?

Yes it is good that he said to make the call.

I think that update is a little confusing, as DH should have gone to work at 6ish. So at that point only the initial argument had hhappened not any of the conversation about relate or the state of our marriage.

But yes if it was the other way round (me working), it would have played on my mind all day but I would have still gone. That just probably shows mine and DH's differing views towards work.

Hi tm

Well done for phoning Relate. Like AF said at the worst if it doesn't work out you will know that you have tried your hardest to make things work and at the best you could end up having the relationship you deserve.

Reading between the lines however, I think there is a lot more going on with your DH. I said at the start of the thread that me and DP do this but it is very playful in nature, and we both ROFL at each other. There is no malice intended and I'm guessing this is not the situation for you.

As you say, name calling in front of the children is not good if it is a way of putting you down and there is no affection in it.

The not going to work thing would annoy me too. Has he always been like this?

Thanks for that, TM

What you said about name-calling: You said it sounded mean, and I think that's what you have to go by. Some people grow up with rampant name-calling & insulting all over the place, and it's just like a verbal tic. Hard to get used to for some, but not really damaging. However, you said it was mean - and you didn't get the automatic "sorry!" we would expect in that situation. So there's some anger going on in that DH of yours.

Which isn't surprising, given what you've written about your work life & DCs! You must both be feeling stretched to the limit (and far too tired for everyday compassion).

I really hope Relate helps you to help each other, instead of the other way around! I realise you've posted just a few things here and there must be a bigger backstory. Good luck to you both - and DCs

I'm really starting to think that way

I'm thinking I was just blinded to it before.

Since getting home - after the intial short burts of bickering - he has seemed too nice. But now I can hear him downstairs talking and chuntering to himself. I pressume that is because of the relate session being booked maybe he feels like he has been backed into a corner and has to go and can't refuse.

Oh it's not good is it, I go in bursts of thinking we will be ok and get through it then thinking that it is never going to work.

Although I can't remember him name calling before. The dynamics have all changed really fast over the last few years. When we first got together 7/8 years ago I was the larger wage earner. He did become very lazy housework-wise straight away upon moving in with each other but I suppose I just let it ride back then.

Just before DS(2) was born he became the larger wage earner and it seemed to go to his head and since then other issues seemed to have just landed on top until it has all boiled over.

Do you ever just talk to each other? Do you ever have any child free time?

It takes a lot of effort to make a relationship work and when things change quickly I think you have to work even harder to make it work, talking about the changes, how this will affect you, how it affects him, how it affects you as a couple, how it affects the children. Every change has a knock on effect on everyone involved and IME the only way to deal with changes is to keep talking.

It is easy to forget how to do this with each other when life changes quickly or dramatically and it easy for resentment to creep in.

You say he is muttering. How would he react if you tried to talk to him. Maybe saying I can hear that you've got something on your mind, you are my husband and I care about you and I want you to be happy. Can we please talk?

We very rarely have childfree time - we only have my sister nearby who can't really provide much childcare.

I think alot of resentment has crept in, I think alot of repsect has been lost for each other too.

I do try and get the ball rolling talking wise but it is more or less blanked or we have differing views and we end up arguing.

DH is a very talky person in a way but when he talks he tries to baffle you or it seems or is all about himself and his views and he just doesn't seem to listen to anyone.

I just went and had a little chat with him and dropped in about hearing him talk to himself and he just said it was about the film he'd just watched on his laptop. So maybe I just thought too much into it.