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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This sounds really trivial...

62 replies

tiredmelly · 10/01/2010 22:49

To not drone on too much and sorry if it sounds a bit trivial-

Am I out of order being peeved at DH for coming up behind me and talking to me whilst I was clearing stuff off the floor? Thus resulting in me banging my head with a massive whack on the corner of a chest of drawers.

Because I said he shouldn't have come up behind me he went off in a huff calling me a 'freak'. A simple 'sorry' would have sufficed.

Would you be massively peed off in your DH called you a freak?

OP posts:
EcoMouse · 10/01/2010 23:42

Melly, Women's Aid can provide support, advice and clarification of options at any point in a relationship. You wont be wasting anyones time and they will not waste yours.

Original poster
tiredmelly · 10/01/2010 23:46

Ok, thanks ecomouse.

I do want to be with him - just not the way it has been for the last year.

He started to say why he didn't want to go to relate but stopped - i think he was going to slate them and then he stopped.

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AnyFucker · 10/01/2010 23:47

tm, I am sorry if my first reply was a bit less than sympathetic

I thought there must be more to this

take advice from these knowledgeable ladies

and have a look around MN, you will get support here

NonnoMum · 10/01/2010 23:53

Sometimes my DH has come in from work and the first thing I know is that he is behind me in the kitchen (we have a long house with the kitchen right at the back). So no cheery Hello or warning or hearing his key in the lock.

I have been known to jump out of my skin at his arrival.

And yell something like, "Don't do that - you just appeared like a ghost/burglar/stalker etc" (after first screaming).

If I was near a chest of drawers I would have also banged my head on it.

"Freak" is just a shocked reaction - we all say inappropriate things sometimes.

I think you'll both be fine if he stops creeping up on ya, and you just calm down a bit (hard with sore head - big hugs).

Original poster
tiredmelly · 10/01/2010 23:54

No it's fine AF - i specifically wanted advice regarding this incident and worded it that way but I suppose I can't seperate it out from all the rest of the crap.

Thank you all for responding

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BuckBuckMcFate · 10/01/2010 23:56

No wonder you are called tiredmelly! 2 young children and a year of arguing!!!

To me it sounds like something needs to give. That is a whole year of your life being unhappy

I don't feel like I can offer advice but MN is a good place for talking with other women who will understand the situation that you are currently in.

I really have to go to bed now but I'll check on here tomorrow.

Hope you get some sleep

Original poster
tiredmelly · 10/01/2010 23:58

Thanks buckbuck

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tiredoftherain · 11/01/2010 13:10

In isolation this incident is trivial, but I'm guessing there's a heck of a back story to it all or you wouldn't have posted.

Hope you get the support you need, having a ds with SN is difficult enough without the relationship issues on top (been there, have the t shirt) Is your DH supportive where your ds is concerned?

Original poster
tiredmelly · 11/01/2010 17:59

He is supportive to a point, his contribution to the housework and caring of children is kind of sporadic.

For example, one night last week I was just about to change DS in to pyjamas when DD needed me. I went to sort her out and when I came back half hour later he hadn't even thought to change DS, he had just been sat watching tv. Any trying to get kids into a routine is basically down to me all the time as if I left it to DH any progress I've made goes out of window.
Other times he can be really on the ball and get things done.
He also works 12 hours on the days he works -so obviously thinks he is entitled and should be expected to do nothing when he comes in.

I have been working a 3 day part time ob upto xmas with a 2 hour commute per day, I'm hoping me being a SAHM resolves a lot of the issues

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BuckBuckMcFate · 11/01/2010 21:52

Hey tiredmelly, how did it go last night?

How's your day been?

Original poster
tiredmelly · 11/01/2010 23:12

My day has been ok. DH was just avoiding the issue as he usually does, so mid - morning I spoke to him about the incident and why I thought it had escalated. He just laughed at certain things i said and basically made out no other person would have been peeved with baninging their head.

Anyway, I talked about relate again and he has kind of agreed to go.. so now it's down to me organising it all.

The rest of the day has just been kind of average - him pretending he is doing DIY when really he is doing nothing.

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Original poster
tiredmelly · 11/01/2010 23:14

He shoudl have been at work but didn't actually go, said he was ill. That in itself annoys me..obviously he is completely fine.

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BuckBuckMcFate · 11/01/2010 23:26

Glad you're around

I've been thinking about this throughout the day (and more from your posts this evening) if you were a RL friend I would be seriously asking you why you are together.

I have very little experience of SN, though there were suspicions that DS2 was on the autistic spectrum, and it was DP that I turned to for support.

How is your DH re your sons SN? Does he talk about it?

From an outsider looking in and from what you have said I think the folowing, a lot of which I'm filling in so feel free to tell me that I'm off mark!

Either you are in relationship with someone who has the potential to be abusive and you seriously need to think about your future with him before it escalates

Or you are in a relationship with someone who is struggling to cope with 2 small children and the SN aspect and the communication between you has broken down to the point where you resent each other and have forgotten how to say sorry to each other, hence the blow ups over trivial things.

As I said this is only what my imagination has come up with but you don't sound happy tiredmelly

EcoMouse · 11/01/2010 23:32

Glad he's agreed to attend Relate with you Melly, it at least shows some acknowledgment of a problem on his part.

I do agree with buckbuck's theorising ...but would add that regardless of the stresses which you are both currently under, he cannot continue to behave aggressively towards you. That really is not reasonable behaviour on his part and is entirely his own responsibility - not your fault!

BuckBuckMcFate · 11/01/2010 23:38

yy, ecomouse, I did mean to say that you are both under a lot of pressure, I really don't want it to seem that I think you are responsible for his actions. There are no cicumstance under which he should be violent to you.

I was just wondering if you have turned away from each other rather towards each other if that makes sense?

Original poster
tiredmelly · 11/01/2010 23:40

Yeah you are probably right BuckBuck -

I just can't really figure out how it all started or if it's always kind of been like this... I keep thinking that I might have been that laid back, before having the kids, that I never even realised or let lots of things go that I wouldn't now (IYSWIM)

I suppose I am still here hoping it is the second reason, it kind of ties in with the dates of when we first were referred with DS... but no he doesn't talk about anything really - just wants a diagnosis really and just doesn't seem to understand that there may never be a diagnosis.

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Original poster
tiredmelly · 11/01/2010 23:45

Yes it all makes sense.

I did mention the grabbing of arms incident and he tried to dismiss it as not being wrong or being in the same vain as a non-intimidating grab would be seen... I said point blank for clarification that it's wrong.

I'm sure he already knew that anyway - but just wanted to make him aware that I knew it was wrong I suppose.

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BuckBuckMcFate · 11/01/2010 23:57

oh tiredmelly, you sound worn down

I'm glad you told him the grabbing is Not On.

I hope that he will go to Relate with you, my aunty and her DH have been going and it has made them both realise that although to outsiders she has always been the 'unreasonable' one there has been a lot more going on than and that her DH has been behaving unreasonably too.

Hopefully it will give you both the opportunity to get a better understanding of the dynamics of your relationship.

Please post on the SN boards and ask how it has affected relationships. From the MNers I have met off the SN boards you will get lots of honest advice and support

Original poster
tiredmelly · 12/01/2010 00:08

I think I will just have to set myself that goal of phoning relate tomorrow.

DH probably thinks I won't go ahead with it, I did write the number down today but I suppose it is quite scary to make that first phone call.

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BuckBuckMcFate · 12/01/2010 00:14

Of course it is, it is much easier to just keep plodding on rather than do something about it, I think we're all guilty of that at some point!

So, yay! on getting the number, now all you have to do is phone (easy for me to say!). And they'll be lovely because this is what they do everyday, they won't judge you or think you are being silly.

You said you are SAHM now? I've got hosp appt for DD tomorrow am but I'll be round in the afternoon if you want someone to hold your hand while you phone them?

Original poster
tiredmelly · 12/01/2010 00:19

Aaaww thankyou - but I think I will have to do it first thing after taking DD to school otherwise I know I will put it off. I will report back in the afternoon / teatime though.

Right sleep time for me.

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BuckBuckMcFate · 12/01/2010 00:21

Ok, stay determined, you will feel much better just from feeling that you are doing something about the situation rather than just letting it happen.

Good luck in the morning!

See you round tomorrow

AnyFucker · 12/01/2010 08:29

good luck, tm

Original poster
tiredmelly · 12/01/2010 13:28

Just a quick update, I have phoned Relate. I had to leave a message though so am waiting to be phoned back.

DH actually turned round and said 'you better make that phone call' as even though we have been out with DS we started bickering as soon as we got back in car/ home.

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Original poster
tiredmelly · 12/01/2010 21:27

Well thats it - relate app booked for next Mon. I am so scared about it

DH had such an awful face (kind of angry looking merged with, I think, kind of dissapointed) when the relate counsellor phoned back tonight.

I feel kind of worried about the cost of it all too, to pay all that money out and it might still not resolve the issues

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